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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I shouldn't have to ask DH to visit our sick baby in hospital?

160 replies

Poorlybabygirl · 03/12/2011 14:32

Name changed for this.

DD (4mo) has been in hospital with bronchiolitis this week. It is her second hospital admission. I am uber stressed about the whole situation, it's very hard watching your tiny baby struggling for breath. Even now she is out, I am on edge and feel like I have to watch her the whole time - not easy as we also have toddler DS.

DH takes a more laid back view. Instead of coming to the hospital, on one night he chose to go out on a work dinner, and the other he went out to the pub with his football friends. My mum was at home on these occasions looking after DS. I was basically on my own at the hospital, although my mum did come twice.

I have exploded about this today. DH has now said that I shouldn't be annoyed because I didn't actually ask him not to go out and to come to the hospital.

I will take it on the chin if I ABU about this but surely a father shouldn't have to be asked to come to the hospital to visit his sick baby? I had enough on my plate with DD's medical problems and organising childcare for DS, without having to negotiate with my husband about his nights out...

OP posts:
Megatron · 03/12/2011 15:46

YANBU. That's appalling behaviour, no excuses. It's not a man thing, that's a silly thing to say, it's a twat thing.

When I rang my DH in hysterics because DD was in hospital he was in the middle of a very important meeting. He left immediately to be with us at the hospital, leaving only to go and pick up DS from school and spend time with him until he went to bed, when his mum stayed so that he could come back to the hospital. This went on for the 10 days she was in. That's normal.

Your poor wee lass, I really hope she's on the mend now.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 03/12/2011 15:50

No way would I have tolerated that behaviour. Husbands need to be made to see from the word go that the children are just as much their responsibility and take precedence over jolly nights out with the boys. He could have come to the hosptial and let YOU go home to rest on at least one of the nights.

minimisschief · 03/12/2011 15:50

yabu people cope differently with things like this

he may have needed to keep busy to stop himself worrying or he might not have been able to cope being helpless watching his child struggle to breathe

etc

SantasENormaSnob · 03/12/2011 15:54

Yanbu

this would probably be a deal breaker for me.

Dreadful.

TadlowDogIncident · 03/12/2011 15:56

So, minimisschief if the OP happened to be also one of htoese people who can't cope with being helpless in the face of illness, it would have been all right for a 4-month-old baby to be all alone in hospital with neither parent? Come on - they're both her parents. Neither of them has the option to say "I can't deal with this" and cop out.

TadlowDogIncident · 03/12/2011 15:56

Sorry, sorry - those people.

Sassybeast · 03/12/2011 15:57

He is a selfish pig and should be bloody ashamed of himself.

Original poster
Poorlybabygirl · 03/12/2011 16:00

Funnily enough Mini, DH works in a hospital, it's me who doesn't like them! I didn't really have an opt out though...

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 03/12/2011 16:13

I tried to imagine my DH wanting to go out to the pub with his friends if our DS was still a baby and hospitalised. I couldn't because he wouldn't have. Sad

HoHoOpotomus · 03/12/2011 16:17

He's not behaved like I very good dad. I would be pissed too but I would have said something at the time.

HoHoOpotomus · 03/12/2011 16:20

OP he's twat of the year!

Hope your baby is feeling better and on the mend Smile

Gay40 · 03/12/2011 16:23

Unacceptable, and a deal breaker for me.

marriedandwreathedinholly · 03/12/2011 16:24

Well, our ds, 16 years or so ago was in hosp for a week with bronchiolitis at 4 months old. DH came as soon as he did from court on day one. It was a difficult case and he only managed to come again two times, esp as I had the car. He was literally having to put in 14 hour days and had to be focussed. HE also had tickets for Lords for a test match on the saturday and I insisted he went We are a partnership and in our own way we supported each other and our child to get through a very difficult week. Work cannot always be put on hold; he had his job and ds was my job that week. Plus lots of friends popped in but I told my mother not to come - she rhought I needed someone to sit with me at the hospital but I would have found her fussing and stressing around me more stressful to deal with.

Later on when we had dd and one of them was in hosp DH looked after the one at home until reinforcements (a grandma) arrived - they are 100s of miles away.

I don't think it's unreasoinable for a wife to be able to cope in emergencies..

LydiaWickham · 03/12/2011 16:45

For those saying a 4mo in hospital doesn't need it's father, you know what, she's got a whole medical team looking after her, she doesn't actually need her mother there either. Now, OP, would it cross your mind for one moment not to be there? Would you wonder if you were needed by her? Or do you need to be there anyway?

What sort of heartless wanker doesn't feel the need to see his hospitalised DD just because he's 'not needed'? Why doesn't he want to be there?

Deal breaker for me, because it doesn't matter how great he is during the good times, what matters is how someone behaves when things are shit, he's just shown that he's a complete selfish, unloving fuckwit and why waste your life with someone you now know won't be there for you and your DCs when you need him?

theDudesmummy · 03/12/2011 16:49

Why would he want to go out when his baby is sick in hospital? I am afraid this would be a dealbreaker for me too.

Eggrules · 03/12/2011 16:49

Why did you ask your mum to stay?

Chandon · 03/12/2011 16:53

my H would never do this.

but why was your mum there anyway? Maybe that made him feel a bit superfluous? Not an excuse, just wondering

BearSkinWooliesTwinklyBaubles · 03/12/2011 16:56

Just read this to my dh - he's disgusted with the OP's dh, and said that he should be ashamed of himself.

ZhenTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 03/12/2011 16:57

Sorry to hear about your baby, I hope she gets better soon.

He is a selfish and uncaring twat.

My 3 month old Great-Niece was in hospital with bronchiolitis and got released last week.

Her dad had been stabbed in the lung, narrowly missing his heart during a mugging the week before and he nearly died. He still came to the hopsital everyday despite this to see her and give her mum a break to go home and sleep for a few hours in the day.

My husband is petrified of hospitals having just watched his mother die in horrific, agonising pain, but even he would visit everyday and when he wasn't there he would be looking after our toddler who would be worried and missing me.

I can't believe you had to phone your mum to look after your DS while he went to the pub Shock

GnomeDePlume · 03/12/2011 17:05

YANBU you should not have needed to ask him to visit. You should have been talking about how to handle things. Which of you was in hospital with your DD and which of you was at home with your DS should have been discussed and agreed.

Did your DH tell you he was going out and that you would need to get someone to babysit your DS?

tasmaniandevilchaser · 03/12/2011 17:14

Hope your baby gets better soon. Your DH is a disgrace. My DH thinks one night would be pushing it, two nights.....words fail me. You shouldn't have to ask.

Have you thought about showing him this thread to show him what people think of his actions?

pigletmania · 03/12/2011 17:19

I agree with most on here, and ok if he does not like hospitals (who does), he should be at home looking after HIS ds, not your mum. He certainly should not be swanning off to be with his mates Angry

pigletmania · 03/12/2011 17:21

I am 7.5 months pg and dh is going to look after dd whilst I am in hospital, my mum is very elderly and could not cope looking after dd has she also has SNs, and we have no other family nearby who could come and help, dh family live abroad.

happygilmore · 03/12/2011 18:09

I hope your DD is a bit better OP.

Completely disagree with Methe, I was horrendously ill after my DD was born (and for several months afterwards) and DH dropped everything to look after her and me. She was fine - babies need their parents. And quite apart from that, the OP needed her husband, where was he?

He's a wanker, sorry. How anyone could not go and visit and go out on a jolly at night is beyond me. I think a deal breaker for me too.

QuintessentialyFestive · 03/12/2011 18:13

It is very sad. He has not got his priorities straight at all.

My dh put himself on the first flight from India when ds2 had Bronchiolitis. Bronchiolitis in such young babies is very scary. Especially because it very often turn into child hood asthma, and you are in it for the long haul with nebulizers etc.