To think I shouldn't have to ask DH to visit our sick baby in hospital?

[Poorlybabygirl]

Name changed for this.

DD (4mo) has been in hospital with bronchiolitis this week. It is her second hospital admission. I am uber stressed about the whole situation, it's very hard watching your tiny baby struggling for breath. Even now she is out, I am on edge and feel like I have to watch her the whole time - not easy as we also have toddler DS.

DH takes a more laid back view. Instead of coming to the hospital, on one night he chose to go out on a work dinner, and the other he went out to the pub with his football friends. My mum was at home on these occasions looking after DS. I was basically on my own at the hospital, although my mum did come twice.

I have exploded about this today. DH has now said that I shouldn't be annoyed because I didn't actually ask him not to go out and to come to the hospital.

I will take it on the chin if I ABU about this but surely a father shouldn't have to be asked to come to the hospital to visit his sick baby? I had enough on my plate with DD's medical problems and organising childcare for DS, without having to negotiate with my husband about his nights out...

There's not a lot that can be said about this sort of situation

He doesn't want to be under the thumb, yet doesn't do anything unless he's told? He want out drinking instead of looking after his child, that wasn't in hospital, who might have been bothered by what was happening, and this is the child that he is actually "very good with"?

Unbelievable

Your husband sounds like he has his priorities all wrong. What a dick.

Unforgivable behaviour. I hope your daughter is getting stronger all the time, poor thing. My DS was in hospital aged 7 days and I cried most of time time at his bedside. DH was right there with me.

But, I think, I can see your husband's rationale and thinking in this. Not that I condone it for a second, but I bet he explains himself that he feels helpless. Unfortunately, he doesn't have the wit to realise that it was a deomstration of love and emotional support that was needed. Are you exclusively breastfeeding your DD? I think men often feel excluded from the first few months of their childs life in that situation - i know my DH did.

I bet he explained it as thinking "DW is sitting there. She does everything for DD. There is nothing I can do on a practical level. She's not in serious danger, the doctors are great. Why should I sit for 3 hours in a hospital, sighing and twiddling my thumbs, when I can't actually DO anything useful. Im not actually helping. I may as well go out". No emotional understanding -

Thanks again for all the messages. They have helped me realise just how bad it is. Until I started this thread I thought it may actually have been me at fault for not telling him to come.

I am not sure how we move on from here TBH. As I mentioned upthread, he does have form for this kind of thing (he didn't come to the hospital with me when I had to have an ERPC after a miscarriage (I went there myself and arranged for my friend to come and collect me), didn't take the following day off work even though I was supposed to have someone with me because I'd had a GA, and didn't phone once on that day to check I was ok. When I asked him about this he said he had been too busy).

I am not too sure why I went on to have two children with this man, but they are both beautiful and amazing and I wouldn't be without them for a second.

I may start a new thread in relationships when I have a moment, to see if there is anything to salvage from this.

God he sounds awful op, why are you with him. This is not a one off at all, there is a pattern here. I could not be with a man that did not careless for our dc or me. Sounds like you need to take a long hard look at the relationship and think about what is best for you and your dc

yanbu

He is a disgrace.

He should not need to be told to reduce social engagements when there is serious family pressure.

He is out of touch with his responsibilities and needs to get a grip. Pronto.

Hope your baby is better, poor lamb.

Has he been able to give any explanation for his behaviour? I mean, does he not love his baby? Or is it that he is scared when she's ill and is 'running away' from it? Doesn't give a shit or feels helpless and can't cope with that?

Nobody needs to be told to visit their sick baby, so clearly something else is going on, whether he chooses to admit it or not.

Not seeing sick child; not being around following a miscarriage. Is he trying to create emotional distance as some form of coping strategy?

There's obviously issues in the relationship, but going in all guns blazing and saying this is a relationship-ender (as some are suggesting here) may not actually be the best approach.

This twat does not deserve to have the title husband or father becase he is not behaving like either.
He is effectively doing what he wants when he wants and sod everyone else. He is number one in his eyes and it appears you and your DC's don't even fall second (work) or third (socialising)
You obviously cannot rely on this man for help or support or even just to be there.
It is not even as if this is the first time and he has "learned" from his mistakes---no he does not consider the needs of his family above his own
He is loathsome and l feel so sorry for you and your DC's as you all deserve better.

OMfuckingG, he didn't come with you for the ERPC?

Honestly, I think some relationship counselling might be something to look at, your DH has got some serious issues incompatible with being a decent father/husband.

Sorry this is happening to you, hope you can salvage something if that's what you want