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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I shouldn't have to ask DH to visit our sick baby in hospital?

160 replies

Poorlybabygirl · 03/12/2011 14:32

Name changed for this.

DD (4mo) has been in hospital with bronchiolitis this week. It is her second hospital admission. I am uber stressed about the whole situation, it's very hard watching your tiny baby struggling for breath. Even now she is out, I am on edge and feel like I have to watch her the whole time - not easy as we also have toddler DS.

DH takes a more laid back view. Instead of coming to the hospital, on one night he chose to go out on a work dinner, and the other he went out to the pub with his football friends. My mum was at home on these occasions looking after DS. I was basically on my own at the hospital, although my mum did come twice.

I have exploded about this today. DH has now said that I shouldn't be annoyed because I didn't actually ask him not to go out and to come to the hospital.

I will take it on the chin if I ABU about this but surely a father shouldn't have to be asked to come to the hospital to visit his sick baby? I had enough on my plate with DD's medical problems and organising childcare for DS, without having to negotiate with my husband about his nights out...

OP posts:
MrsCampbellBlack · 03/12/2011 18:16

Is your DH a medic?

Just that he may view things slightly differently if that's the case.

Also was he spending time with your DS [clutching at straws]

Lulumama · 03/12/2011 18:21

even if he has some horrific phobia of hospitals, which he can't if he works in one, he should have been at home, picking up the slack, looking after DS , cooking, and ensuring things were running ok at home.
he was happy to leave others to look after his son and leave you with DD
even if the marriage had been perfect up to this point, this twattery would potentially be a deal breaker or at least the start of some serious talking / ultimatums

OurPlanetNeptune · 03/12/2011 18:23

I'm at a loss for words so I read the OP out to my husband to see what he thought. He generally is not all that sweary and his exact words:

"her husband is a fucking tosser"

"how could he have gone to the pub. The fucking toolbox"

"why does he think he needs to be told when to be a father. He is a fucking disgrace"

"he is a fucking tosser"

"A pint of beer is not more important that your child, sick or not"

He has now wondered off muttering to himself...

scarletfingernail · 03/12/2011 18:25

YANBU. Of course you should not have to ask him to visit his sick child in hospital.

I felt very sad reading your OP. It's hard to put myself in your shoes because I know that my DH wouldn't ever do this.

I do know that I wouldn't have been able to sit on it and would have reacted straight away. There's no way I'd allow my DH to take advantage of my mother like that. He should not have been continuing with his social life as normal. Except for work he should have been at the hospital to support you and your DD, or at home with your DS to give your mother a break.

I think I'd find it very difficult to forgive him, especially as it seems he still can't see your POV even after you've spelled it out.

cocoachanneloffestivecheer · 03/12/2011 18:26

You poor thing. I hope your baby girl gets better very soon.

Could it be that he just can't see her and you in that much distress? It doesn't excuse not being there really, but maybe he just doesn't feel he could cope. Of course, in those circumsatnces he could be looking after DS and not going to the pub or out for dinner.

SaggyHairyArse · 03/12/2011 18:30

Are you married to my ex-husband? Seriously, who would see their baby being in hospital as an opportunity to go out? And, who would not cancel their shit for their baby?

Bunbaker · 03/12/2011 18:32

"But he is making me feel like I am being unreasonable about this which is why I wanted some other views."

No, he is being utterly unreasonable in the highest order. DD has had several stays in hospital, one of them being three and a half weeks for a really bad bout of RSV when she was 6 months old. OH visited every day without fail because he was as worried about her as I was. I simply cannot understand how your OH can become so detached from your daughter to the point that it looks like he couldn't care less.

Please show this thread to your OH. He is a selfish, uncaring b***d.

mercibucket · 03/12/2011 18:40

It's the going out enjouing himself that would grate with me. Dh took our other kids away on holiday and - stayed in hosp. When dd was hospitalised but I asked him to go as we were ok and the holiday would be cancelled otherwise
Poor you and yanbu

Rikalaily · 03/12/2011 18:51

No he shouldn't have to be asked to go see his daughter, he should have been there with you :( I would be livid.

dearprudence · 03/12/2011 18:52

Everything I think has already been said ^ so I'll just say - YANBU Sad

FryingNemo · 03/12/2011 18:56

YANBU. He should be totally ashamed of himself. Selfish in the extreme.

Rikalaily · 03/12/2011 19:02

I've just asked dp what he would do in that situation and he said he would be at the hospital whenever not in work. I think this would be what most fathers would do.

halcyondays · 03/12/2011 19:28

Yanbu,of course he shouldn't have to be asked to come to the hospital to see his own baby. Most dads wouldn't need to be asked, they would want to be there, as much as possible.

radstar · 03/12/2011 19:51

YA def NBU - It's one thing if he was at home looking after another child but to go out?!?!?!

I would be furious and not sure I could move on either. My ds was hospitalised recently and the only two people we could ask to look after other child were busy so dh had to stay at home, he was gutted and to be honest I think it was worse for him stuck at home not knowing what was going on than me listening to what the doctors said.

I really feel for you op Sad

Catsu · 03/12/2011 20:03

For the people asking why OP asked her mum to stay which enabled the dh to go out- she presumably did so to cover childcare for their ds while her dh was at work (not so he could go out!!!)
OP yanbu. I'd be absolutely fuming too. It's shocking that your dh thinks he needs to be asked to go see his baby in hospital. He should want to see her and just as importantly want to support you!!

What job does he do in a hospital? Is there any chance he is so accustomed to seeing extremely sick people that he was less concerned about your baby and took it in his stride as a routine easily sorted thing?

Eglu · 03/12/2011 20:13

If my dh was not at hospital with me I would expect it to be because he was at home looking after the other child so they had at least one parent around. Not out living it large.

And I would still expect hospital visits every day. YANBU, poor you and your dd.

camtt · 03/12/2011 20:25

"DH has now said that I shouldn't be annoyed because I didn't actually ask him not to go out and to come to the hospital."

Read about that old line recently in Susan Maushart's Wifework, it rang a bell with me so I remembered it, it's his signal to you that you are the one with the responsibility, and he is merely a volunteer in the regiment!

Northernlurker · 03/12/2011 20:30

If he is a decent father to your ds I'm guessing he just hasn't bonded very well with dd yet. I've seen this with other dads - always with second or third or fourth dcs NEVER the first one. I don't get it but it's like they struggle to attach to more than one dc. It comes but it's slow and it's shit on the mums who quite rightly find it awful. Tell him he's been a twat and then see where you go next. Does he ever spend any time alone with dd?

Eggrules · 03/12/2011 20:34

I hope your little girl is ok

Catsu It sounds like her mum was babysitting whist he DH went out:

  1. "I asked my mum to come and stay so she was there with DS, bless her, while DH was out."
  2. "DH takes a more laid back view. Instead of coming to the hospital, on one night he chose to go out on a work dinner, and the other he went out to the pub with his football friends. My mum was at home on these occasions looking after DS."

Why did you ask your mum to stay?

Sarahplane · 03/12/2011 20:34

Yadnbu. I would be furious. The only acceptable reason for him not to be there would be if there was no one else to look after your ds. Hope your dd gets better soon.

Sirzy · 03/12/2011 20:43

Ds had bronchiolitis for the first time when he was 8 weeks old and was I hopsital for 10 days. It's bloody scary seeing your baby so ill but unfortunately things like that sometimes come with being a parent. He shouldn't need telling to not only see his daughter but (probably even more important) provide his wife with support.

Lynli · 03/12/2011 20:50

It is awful seeing them like that, my DH would have done the same.

Because he is a coward and runs away when he can't cope.

Hope your DD is well soon.

ThatsNotMyBabyBelly · 03/12/2011 20:59

He should want to be with his defenceless ill daughter. End of story.

RedHotSanta · 03/12/2011 21:02

Really OP, your DH has behaved disgracefully.
What is even worse is that he doesn't think he has / won't even admit to it.

I have a DH who tends to pull the old 'well you should have asked if you wanted me to do xxxx' line, and yet he would never have behaved so badly.

I would struggle to see past this if I were you.....

Pumpster · 03/12/2011 21:07

What an arse.

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