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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think it's odd and sad for children to call their parents by their first names?

243 replies

madonnawhore · 02/12/2011 22:34

One of my friends has always called her mum by her first name, not 'mum'. And her brother's DCs call him and his wife by their first names too.

I think this is a real shame. Whenever I'm with them and I see the little boy tugging on his dad's sleeve and saying 'Jeff! Jeff!'* to get his dad's attention, I just feel there's something wrong with that picture.

Not sure how you can be a parent and not want to hear your children call you 'mum' or 'dad'.

What do other people think about this?

*not his real name, obviously.

OP posts:

themildmanneredjanitor · 03/12/2011 08:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

exoticfruits · 03/12/2011 08:52

I wouldn't do it, I am not just a friend, but it really doesn't bother me. It isn't new, one of my best friends at school called her parents by their first name.

Lulumama · 03/12/2011 08:59

Ds started calling us by our first names when he was 2, he's now 12 and still calls us our first names. Occasionally, mum and dad, usually when he wants something or is poorly. I don't mind it at all, it doesn't make me any less of his mother . DD calls us mummy and daddy, occasionally our first names, it's not something i've particularly thought about, another parent did mention it to me recently asking if why and i said i had no idea, DS had just made the decision to do it at a young age.. she later apologised for offending me! I wasn't remotely offended

I think of all the possible things you could think are odd and sad, calling a parent by their first name comes very low down on the list

lamp74 · 03/12/2011 09:20

As someone who calls her mum by her name and always has done I think saying it's odd and sad is awful and hurtful. For the record yes we are dysfunctional - as my father has never been on the scene so my siblings and I have always used our mum's first name.

TBH I find it odd when DH goes home and calls his parents mum and dad - he's in his late 30's so I find that strange given we are all adults! My mum and I have a very equal relationship, possibly more so than DH and his parents I think...

I'm probably going to be considered even more odd and sad that while I don't mind being called 'mummy' and my DS (aged 4) calls me mummy, I cannot stand being called 'mum'. I suppose I find it a bit faceless and almost a derogatory label but I can't quite articulate why. I suppose I will need to find something else to be called when he is too old for mummy-ing.

Incidentally when DH and I married his parents suggested I called them 'mum and dad' and I'm afraid I still call them by their first names...

I'm amazed (and interested) at some of the attitudes on this thread and the differing opinions and the perception of people who call their parents by their first names.

squeakytoy · 03/12/2011 09:39

But Lamp, I dont see how your father not being around would mean you call your mum by her first name... not getting the connection there at all. Your mum is your mum, whether your dad is around or not.

I am finding it difficult to properly articulate why I think it is wrong to call your parent by their first name, and I do think is it sad as I said.

My views probably stem from a few reasons.. firstly anyone can be called by their first name, but someone who can call you Mum is more special. I was adopted, so to my adopted parents,hearing me call them Mum and Dad was something they had longed for. My only cousins lost their mother when they were both young, and they often said how they missed having someone to call Mum... and finally, as someone who has not been able to have children of my own sadly, I would absolutely love someone who would see me as, and address me as "Mum". My stepchildren call me by my first name, but introduce me to their friends as their stepmum, which is as it should be, but nobody is ever going to call me Mum, and for those people who have that in their lives, but choose not to use it, is to me, sad and strange.

I hope that makes sense of why I feel like I do about it.

UnexpectedOrange · 03/12/2011 09:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Proudnscary · 03/12/2011 09:49

It's not odd or sad - what a ridiculously OTT thing to say.

My cousins always called their parents by their first names and now at the age of 38 and 39 are still very close to them. As they always were.

In the 70s it was quite trendy normal to do this - so what?

Floggingmolly · 03/12/2011 09:52

Yes, it's a definite blurring of boundaries, somehow putting kids and parents on the same level. Usually seen where parents try to be friends first and parents last with their kids, with the foreseeable results. Never works.

Floggingmolly · 03/12/2011 09:54

Redpanda, that is definitely not a widespread Irish cultural thing!

northernwreck · 03/12/2011 09:55

I had all manner of random adults in my life as a kid, and so called everyone by their first names, although I would have like to call my mum "mum" she didn't like it, so I didn't.
I wouldn't say it's terribly sad! I can think of worse things tbh.

My ds calls his dad (who we don't live with) by his first name, because I do I guess, and Ex hates it !(which makes me giggle obvs)

lamp74 · 03/12/2011 10:02

squeaky - sorry, my dad not being around was an aside, my mum just prefers to be called by her name.

I am really interested in these replies, especially floggingmolly's as thoough my mum is a friend too she is most definitely 'in charge' and I think I have an appropriate amount of parental respect for her (if that makes sense)!

lamp74 · 03/12/2011 10:10

Oh and squeaky, your adoption bit is interesting too and very understandable.

Coincidentally my mother was adopted and called her new parents Mummy and Daddy but didn't like being called it herself. She is also a bit funny about being called Granny - for some years she didn't want to be granny (too young!) but has slightly relented much to DS's confusion s he's not what to address her as but he definitely knows all our family relationships!

DeckTheHugeWithBoughsOfManatee · 03/12/2011 10:33

The only people I've ever met who call their parents by their names rather than 'Mum' and 'Dad' tended to have pretty weird families. Sure there must be non-weird, non-messed-up families where it happens but I've never seen one.

To me it feels like denying or minimising a hugely important detail of your relationship with your children. They're not elective friends, they're your offspring. I think that's important to acknowledge, and would wonder what experiences had led someone to think this relationship wasn't one they wanted to draw attention to.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 03/12/2011 10:40

Its not for me but if others choose that way its not really an issue for me.

Years ago I might have been a bit sniffy but I have mellowed about stuff in my later years

I am called auntie by my 30 year old neices and nephews and by children of friends. Lots of people dont like all that but I do. Its how we do things. I dont like people getting all sniffy about it and threads often crop up about it.

We are mum and dad to the DCs and they do try it on a few times and its funny. Actually I am Daddy to DC5. He cant be bothered to call us by different names so has just stuck with the one

I am a big Simpsons fan and this thread makes me think of Bart because he always calls Homer, Homer when he is being particularly smartarsed

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 03/12/2011 10:41

squeaky Your views are totally understandable.

Hullygully · 03/12/2011 10:43

ds has always called us by our names, dd varies. I don't notice!

Hullygully · 03/12/2011 10:44

flogging - saying "it never works" is patently ridiculous.

Mine call me by my name as do others here, and it works fine.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 03/12/2011 10:52

I also get called 'mummydaddy' and DH gets 'daddybaby' which is quite apt, we just take what we get really.

Bue · 03/12/2011 11:26

Is there any sound more grating to a stressed parent than a whiny child or teen going "Muuuuuuuuuuuum. Muuuuuuuuuuum. MUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUM!" Maybe they wanted to avoid that? :)

SjuperWolef · 03/12/2011 11:34

i call my mum 'mum' day to day, 'mother' when im mad at her, 'mummy' when i want something and 'miiiiiiim' in a very annoying tone when im not well or just attention seeking. my mum knows all these names and how i feel when i say them, i feel you just cant get that from using a forename. tone of voice i suppose but its just not the same for me and my mum.

dont think its sad or wierd really, there are all sorts of reasons people might not want to be called mum or dad they dont all have to be bad i guess.

hazchem · 03/12/2011 11:42

I don't call my parents Mum and Dad. Never have. It doesn't mean they are not my parents. It was not a conscious decision on there part but they didn't call themselves mum and dad. In fact i think I've called my mum once. We were both at a pub drinking back stage with a band and she was being a bit embarrassing in front of my friends so i said "Mum are we going now" or something similar. I was 27!

I'm not sure what my LO will call me. My name IRL is quite long so I think he's struggle with the whole thing. I might be ok with mum or mama but just not sure but i think it's up to him really.

But madonna i think it's a tad cheeky to suggest that my parent isn't a good as someone who wants to be called mum/mummy/mama. Of all of the parenting choices I or anyone makes i think it's right down the list.

halcyondays · 03/12/2011 12:18

I went through a phase of calling my parents by their first names when I was about six, but it didn't last long. I suppose children pick it up from hearing other people talking to their parents. I don't think it really matters.

FellatioNelson · 03/12/2011 12:45

YANBU. Weirdos.

TicketToHull · 03/12/2011 13:05

What makes me smile in frozen terror is when grown adults refer to and call each other "Mum" and "Dad" when none of their children are around.

I have relatives that do this and I find it a bit sad that they don't relate to each other as non-parenty people any more (they don't have a very happy marriage and are waiting until the youngest is off to university before they separate so I'm not just making assumptions based on what they call each other!).

Are there people who have healthy relationships that do this too?

nappyaddict · 03/12/2011 13:08

ratspeaker What were you reasons for not wanting to be called Mum/Mummy?

thisisyesterday Was not being called Mum/Mummy something you introduced or your DC?

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