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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think it's odd and sad for children to call their parents by their first names?

243 replies

madonnawhore · 02/12/2011 22:34

One of my friends has always called her mum by her first name, not 'mum'. And her brother's DCs call him and his wife by their first names too.

I think this is a real shame. Whenever I'm with them and I see the little boy tugging on his dad's sleeve and saying 'Jeff! Jeff!'* to get his dad's attention, I just feel there's something wrong with that picture.

Not sure how you can be a parent and not want to hear your children call you 'mum' or 'dad'.

What do other people think about this?

*not his real name, obviously.

OP posts:
SaggyoldCHRISTMASHUMBUGcatpuss · 02/12/2011 23:22

My Dcs (12 and 15) call DP Ken! Its not his name! It makes me chuckle! Grin

Original poster
madonnawhore · 02/12/2011 23:23

Apocalypse that's not what I said.

I said my only experience of it was in families that were dysfunctional. So that's what I conflated it with.

Then I said I was prepared to accept that that was B a bit U after hearing other people's perspectives.

That's why I posted the OP. Because I thought it was strange and sad. And now, slightly more informed, I'm happy to revise my position.

I have never said that ALL families whose children call their parents by their first names are dysfunctional. You're putting words in my mouth.

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 02/12/2011 23:23

well clearly we're all dysfunctional, horrible and sad. so what shall we do?

i vote we wash the kids mouths out with soap every time they utter our names, and FORCE them to say mummy and daddy.

who's with me?

WorraLiberty · 02/12/2011 23:24

When my eldest brother was little (he's 54 now) it was considered very rude for any child to call their parents by their first names.

So when he called my Mum by her first name she told him off and said it was rude.

A couple of weeks later, the local shop keeper said "How's your Mum these days? What's her name again...it's on the tip of my tongue but I can't remember?"

He looked at the shopkeeper and said "My Mum has a very rude name so I'm not allowed to repeat it, ever" Grin

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 02/12/2011 23:25

Well oh foldy one mn once told me I'M a neglectful parent cos I once left the house when my kids were at school.

Beat that !

Sevenfold · 02/12/2011 23:26

thisisyesterday me,, as long as I can use chocolate not soap.
seriously this thread is silly, as long as your kids call you what you want, why care about other people.

dd calls dh by his name, cos she can say it, I am proud

WorraLiberty · 02/12/2011 23:27

Apocalypse but did you leave a forwarding address? Grin

Sevenfold · 02/12/2011 23:27

cheesesontoasty one I can
I was called proffesionally offended cos I objected to the s word

now beat that........go on

EnjoyResponsibly · 02/12/2011 23:28

The name that a child attributes to it's parents is irrelevant. Surely it is the love and care that is owed to that child that is the most important thing.

I would be beyond beyond if DS called me mummy at any point xxx

valiumredhead · 02/12/2011 23:30

When ds was about 3 he suddenly started calling me and dh by our first names - it lasted about a year then without warning we just went back to mum and dad!

Sevenfold · 02/12/2011 23:30

EnjoyResponsibly very well put.

cocoachanneloffestivecheer · 02/12/2011 23:31

Lots of my Irish friends and friends from N.Ireland, call their parents by their first names, not all of the time but mostly. The older generation of DH's family (40s/50s with parents in 70s/80s) also call their parents by their first name a lot, they're from Manchester. I'd very unreasonably deduced from this that is a regional/ generational thing. All have excellent relationships with their parents. Genuinely. I'd never thought aboutbthat before but coincidentally they do.

Anyway, YABVVVVU. 'Odd and sad', is also very rude.

Cathycomehome · 02/12/2011 23:31

I think in old fashioned American TV programmes, I've seen kids calling their parents "Sir" and "Ma'am". I quite approve of this,and may try and introduce it instead. Grin

WhyFrank · 02/12/2011 23:31

Madonna, this is a bit of a raw topic for me.

My DS started doing this when he was three and I ignored it, assuming it was just a phase. Well, so far the phase has lasted four years. I have tried a few times to reintroduce Mummy, but he really doesn't like it, I would have to force the issue by ignoring him or something. He is an only child (not our choice) and I think he feels self-conscious being the only one using that name. Anyway, so although I'd prefer Mummy/Mum really, there's no way I'm going to ban DS from calling me by the name I allow everyone else to use. DH and I have got so used to it we forget that there is anything at all different about it. We are his parents, he is our son, we love each other, and that is that.

Does any of that seem odd? Sad

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 02/12/2011 23:33

I bloody did worra, came home to find my dd alone n all Shock

My fault tho Wink

Well foldy, I once got called names for insinuating someone was thick cos they didn't no retard was offensive AND I witnessed a catscrap on the number 3 bus AND I breastfed for 1year without so much as a second glance.

So nuh.

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 02/12/2011 23:33
thisisyesterday · 02/12/2011 23:36

cathy... ds1 actually called me Ma'am the other day. I quite liked it!

squeakytoy · 02/12/2011 23:37

For those who say it doesnt matter. Do you sign cards to them from "insert real name" or from "mum"..

thisisyesterday · 02/12/2011 23:37

whyfrank, no, not odd at all, that's pretty much how we feel about it.

we're not going to punish the children for calling us by our actual names. that would be weird.
it doesn' tmatter what they call you does it?

cocoachanneloffestivecheer · 02/12/2011 23:42

Cathy, your post reminds me of when I was expecting DD and we were discussing with my parents at dinner with some friends what the baby would call her Grandparents. At that stage Mum was still insisting that at 62 she was too young to be Granny or similar (lasted all of thirty seconds when she saw DD). Dad was undecided (grandad, grandpa...?) so a friend suggested she might call him by one of his nicknames. He insisted he had none, but my friend knowing Dad was in the military and nicknames are rife asked what people at work call him. He paused for a moment, before saying, 'Well, people mostly call me sir'.

Tmesis · 02/12/2011 23:42

I called my parents Mummy and Daddy until I was two, when I started calling them [for example] Dave and Mummy. They eventually said, effectively, "Look, either call us Mummy and Daddy or Dave and Sue[@], but please quit the 'Dave and Mummy' thing because it's confusing". And I decided to go for the first names option. Then when my siblings came along (I was the eldest) they followed my lead so they only ever used first names.

My parents did consider just trying to enforce "Mummy and Daddy" but (apparently) thought "well, really, if she wants to call us by our first names is there any logical reason why she shouldn't" and decided that there wasn't.

Sad, wrong, horrible, strange and something wrong with this picture -- thanks for that. (Yes, I know you didn't say all those things, OP. But you created a thread for others to chime in with them).

My children, however, call me Mummy (or variants thereof). I am probably lucky that the one who made a concerted attempt to use first names was my second-born; she was sufficiently persistent that if she'd been my firstborn and, at the time, only I might have been tempted to take the same line that my own parents did. Even now, while her elder brother sticks to "Mummy" she works her way through Mummy, Mum, Mumma, Mama and almost any other variant she can think of.

[@] not actually Dave and Sue, but you get the idea.

LemonDifficult · 02/12/2011 23:42

YANBU

My niece does this to her mother (SiL) and my SiL hates it! She says it makes her feel a bit distant. Particularly in public, where SiL says it makes her feel like the nanny when she wants to feel all proud-mummy-with-gorgeous-dd.

Original poster
madonnawhore · 02/12/2011 23:42

whyfrank you don't have to justify yourself to me. I'm not the 'parental label' police.

I asked YOU guys if I was BU. I'm not going to come on here and start telling you your experiences are wrong if you tell me I am. You're living it, not me.

I had one perspective on it and wanted to know more, is all.

OP posts:
wheredidyoulastseeit · 02/12/2011 23:49

My DC call me and DH mum and dad. That's fine and nice and normal. But I have often thought it a bit weird that some of the closest people to me will never call me by my name but by my role. Why do I share a name with a high percentage of the population (mum) but only called that by my children.
I don't call them son and daughter.
Why is this? - may one of you anthropologists or psychologists can shed light on it.

WhyFrank · 02/12/2011 23:51

madonna, kind of hard not to feel criticised when you think you're just getting on with being a mum and then somebody declares that they find the way you do it "odd and sad", and that they feel there's "something wrong with that picture" Confused

Think I was just wanting to show that it can come about in loads of different ways and doesn't necessarily mean anything in particular at all.

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