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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask SiL to pay kennel fees for our dog over Xmas?

412 replies

bex2011 · 30/11/2011 09:00

We have been invited to my PiL over Xmas along with DH's brother and his family. They have said they will only go if our dog goes into kennels. SiL has a real problem with the dog and her children being in the same house. We have FiL has said he will put a baby gate at the kitchen door and the dog can stay behind that. Dog and children wouldn't need to be in the same room at all. This isn't good enough. Dog shows no signs at all of agression. She is fine with my niece and nephew and has adapted really well to having a baby in the house. Everyone who knows the dog and the situation thinks it's ridiculous and there is no reason why dog and children can't be together.

They will be at inlaws from Xmas day lunchtime until boxing day evening. The kennels have said that dog would need to go in Xmas eve before lunch until day after boxing day, totalling 4 days of kennel fees.

AIBU to ask them to foot the bill for this? Part of me knows that I am, but they show no degree of compromise to find a situation that works.

OP posts:
Toughasoldboots · 30/11/2011 12:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GobblersKnob · 30/11/2011 12:27

I actually like my dog more than most members of my family.

I cannot stand my nephew, who actually has bitten (and drawn blood) from both my dds my dh and I on numerous occasions.

If someone offered put him behind a baby gate for Christmas I would be thrilled.

bemybebe · 30/11/2011 12:29

It is not about the dog, it is about control. Your SIL is vile since she is not prepared to compromise.

YANBU

googietheegg · 30/11/2011 12:44

I think the people who are saying that SIL is being 'precious' or 'needs to get over herself' have no idea what it's like to be scared of dogs.

People with dogs are like smokers - they forget what an impact they have on other people, even if they think they are being considerate.

I can assure you that being scared of dogs is terrifying, I have been for most of my life. It's not about wanting to get your own way or being spoilt, it's about literally crying if there is a dog in a place where I can't get away. This may sound pathetic, but there's probably something you don't like - spiders, the dark, buttons...whatever - so just transpose the feeling.

Essentially what the OP is doing is making the PILs choose between her dog and the SIL, when really the dog should come after the humans. I know people love their dogs like they're their children, but the fact is they are not people. You may love your dog as family but your SIL doesn't, so don't put your PILs in an awkward position by making them choose. You keep your dog away. Behind a gate is no compromise when you're scared of dogs, believe me.

If you're happy for your dog to ruin your SIL's or your PIL's Christmas one way or another, then carry on. If the dog sleeps so much how about having it in the car during the day? Just make sure it is 100% on a leash any other time and tell your SIL you will guarantee that it won't be off the leash at any time. Or don't go.

bemybebe · 30/11/2011 12:49

"but there's probably something you don't like - spiders, the dark, buttons...whatever - so just transpose the feeling."

So, if you don't like buttons (wtf!) I am also not allowed to wear cardigans?? Grin

Marvelous!

HazleNutt · 30/11/2011 12:54

Again, SIL does not have a phobia. She is not scared of dogs. She does not have an allergy. She jsut does not like OP's dog without it ever giving her a reason not to.

OP has offered to keep the dog in the kitchen, nowhere near SIL, so no jumping/slobbering issues. But it's still not good enough and as long as dogs are concerned, we can do absolutely everything to please the doghaters, but "I just don't want to be in the same house/park/beach/town as one" is still apparently a reasonable request.

lottielou39 · 30/11/2011 12:55

don't be ridiculous! No decent owner would leave a dog for 4/5 hours? What a crock. We regularly leave our dog for 5+ hours when working (I work part time) and every single dog owner I know does the same thing. One of those times when MN seems to occupy a parallel universe with weird people in it.

Morloth · 30/11/2011 12:57

Yup, because dogs are not as important as people to most of the world. Can't see that changing just because a very small minority of doggy types disagree.

googietheegg · 30/11/2011 12:58

Of course not - but you may act irrationally if you knew in advance that on a very special day your SIL was going to have loads of loose buttons when she could have put them away safely!!

muffinino82 · 30/11/2011 13:05

Bloody hell, it's a dog (a lovely sounding one, boxerxstaff, I'd love to meet him) not the Hound of the Baskervilles ffs Shock Both those dogs tend to be great with kids. Unless there are allergies/genuine fear, I really can't see why people would let the presence of a dog ruin their Christmas, they're not that bad. As for germs...Hmm They do smell a bit and leave hair everywhere, but then, so do we.

Mind you, I have two horses and two cats, plus there are two more cats, a rottie, a Great Dane, a Cairn terrier, a spaniel and two sheepdogs on the yard, so muck/smell/hair/germs/mud etc. don't even register on my radar Grin

HazleNutt · 30/11/2011 13:06

Cars are less important than people and way more dangerous than dogs. I can therefore demand that all my neighbours get rid of theirs as I don't want to share the street. No reason really, just don't like them.

marge2 · 30/11/2011 13:13

Humans trump dogs at any time of year.

bemybebe · 30/11/2011 13:16

googie you are talking bollocks, the buttons (the dog) is offered to be put behind the child gate (safely). What an idiotic example!

AcrosstheUniverse · 30/11/2011 13:17

Maybe your SIL doesn't believe that your dog will be kept away from her the whole time? I don't like dogs much- I used to be very scared of them as a child, but this had gradually got better as I've got older. I do remember, however, being told by a relative that their dog would be kept in a different room whilst I was there, which was fine at first, but as the day went on the dog was allowed out, for various reasons. Could she be thinking this? I do think that if she has a problem she's the one that shouldn't be going.

Whatmeworry · 30/11/2011 13:23

It is not about the dog, it is about control. Your SIL is vile since she is not prepared to compromise

Bingo.

And she is playing on the "people trump dogs" logic (which I agree with btw) so its hard to counter equitably. You either go and swallow it, or refuse to go and upset PiL - she wins both ways.

I think I would probably go this year, get "drunk", have a satisfactorily blazing row with SiL and then never be invited again :o

googietheegg · 30/11/2011 13:26

Why are people saying the SIL is doing this on purpose just to be difficult. Phobias are not rational, that's the point.

And bemy there's no need for name calling. This is AIBU. Different opinions are allowed.

bemybebe · 30/11/2011 13:29

I am not calling names. If I said someone is 'talking bollocks' it means in my opinion they are talking bollocks. I did not call them bollocks.

bemybebe · 30/11/2011 13:34

Btw, the issue of phobia was raised and confirmed several times that it is not an issue. Neither is allergy. She just does not want the dog there, that is it.

HazleNutt · 30/11/2011 13:34

again, she does not have a phobia, as OP has already explained, SIL encourages her kids to greet some other dogs.

googietheegg · 30/11/2011 13:37

Lots of people don't like dogs, get over it. A dog in a house is really not very nice if you don't like dogs.

bemybebe · 30/11/2011 13:40

Going back to your colourful example... so should I be cutting off all my buttons (from cardigans, from coats) just because YOU don't like them?

ChickensThinkYouCanGetStuffed · 30/11/2011 13:41

We're having to leave our dog over Christmas as we're staying with MIL and she has is quite nervous around dogs. I wouldn't dream of imposing our bouncy pup on her. However, we're not using kennels either. Is there anyone who would mind the dog for you OP? A friend or dog sitter?

Casserole · 30/11/2011 13:42

The OP and the PIL have come up with a compromise that mean the SIL doesn't have to share space with the dog or interact with the dog at all.

Any further than that is no longer a compromise, but rather the SIL forcing her way onto everyone else. No way should you pay for her to do that, OP.

i'd just reply gaily back to FIL saying what a great idea and of course you're completely happy for Fido to go into the kitchen so that all the family can be together. Then lay low and stay out of the conversation. If SIL still isn't happy she'll have to escalate it.

Casserole · 30/11/2011 13:45

Googie the OP has mentioned that she has seen the SIL encouraging her children to interact with other dogs in the street. This is quite clearly not a full on dog phobia.

And even if it was, if I had a phobia so severe as to cause someone else such disruption at Christmas I would (a) get myself some help and if that still didn't work (b) bloody well bend over backwards to offer to pay for whatever inconvenience I was putting them through.

BUT THAT IS NOT WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE. This is not a case of an extreme dog phobia, for the reasons above.

TBJP · 30/11/2011 13:45

I agree with soverylucky who said:
"I don't like dogs. I am not scared of them as such but I really can't stand them. They sniff you, lick you, jump up at you, slober, make too much noise. This is lovely to some people but it literally makes my skin crawl. I can see SIL's point of view. If I had to spend christmas with a dog that didn't belong to the host family I would be very, very uncomfortable and resent it."
I would not trust that your dog would be kept behind its get for the duration of this visit over Christmas - not going by how much you seem to love the dog. To many people, dogs are unhygienic - they lick their bums, then lick either you, or their fur, which then you stroke. Disgusting. I would be on edge the whole time if I was there, constantly having to watch that my children weren't being licked. Plus there is the fact that however well-trained your dog may be, a hectic noisy household could startle it, and you just never ever know when a dog could freak out and attack. You may think IABU, but that is the way I feel, and I would not be able to relax in a house with a dog in it. Dog owners need to understand that not everyone likes dogs.

IMO, YOU are causing the PILS to miss out on a big family Christmas because you are putting your dog before them - your dog will have a happy christmas with his doggy pals in the kennel. It's only a few days.