to think that this is an too much of an ask?

[Novemberworry]

I have been asked (as a last resort) to have my DDs friend (Anna, say) back after school on friday just for 2ish hours as it's the only time my DF can squeeze in a hair appointment. This is absolutely fine - the girls' get on well together and I'm always happy to help a friend in need. In fact its lovely that they're getting together out of school as theres been a few friend issues - another litle girl (Bella) who had previously played nicely with DD and Anna, and had been welcomed at our house (where she was terribly badly behaved and I think some things of DDs went missing, but I try not to think the worst) has tried to drive a wedge between DD and Anna to the point where DD is constantly, nastily excluded by Bella. I understand Anna is not blameless in this, and I have spoken to DD about true friends and tried to encourage other friendships. She seems to have settled a bit now but it has taken a year.The nastiness that Bella displays is unbelievable when she thinks she isn't being watched, but she plays the game is a very likeable child when she wants (or needs) to be iyswim? Anna is lovely to DD when they are one to one.
So I was quite looking forward to friday and was certainly willing to extend the play time if it was all going swimmingly.
The problem now is - Anna's mom has just texted and said "Oh I forgot that Bella is coming for a sleepover on Friday - you don't mind picking one more of them up do you - I'll be back by 6 at the latest and grab them both and go?"
So, now I have to endure Bella excluding my DD at her own house and having DD feel crap when they go off and have a sleepover at Anna's house, making her feel even more of the spare part.
AIBU to think that this is a bit of a mickeytake of my friend (who knows there have been issues - but not the extent of them)?

(PS - sorry have namechanged just in case)

This is really bothering me.

Even if there were no friendship issues between these 3 girls and they all played very well together 100 % of the time, there is NO WAY ON THIS EARTH that I can imagine anyone asking me to pick up all 3 girls from school, and then only 2 of them go off for sleepover!

Ridiculous! Your dd gets invited to sleepover as well, OBVIOUSLY.

That's great, well done

One more Q tho...if Anna is coming to yours Friday night then is Anna's mum having Bella? Won't Bella ask why Anna isn't coming home with her?

That you would struggle to say no

cross post, we have a solution yippee

Sorry SOCD, I posted before I saw you are being a radical outlier

It wasn't just a missed hair appointment though - it was a chance for DD to have some lovely time with Anna - and all that was spoiled - I think that's what was the underlying upsetting me factor. marfisa kind of summed it up. I don't I want to reencourage the friendship with Bella as I think they'll always be the chance it can turn on a sixpence - she's the sort who's lovely one day and horrid the next - I don't want DD having to live with that awful uncertainty of what's my friendships going to be like today at school - cos in the past DD's day depended on Bella's mood - she could be lovely and have a great day, or she could be coming home weeping.
I think I should invite Anna round on her own to try to reinforce the lovely relationship they can have. Thanks again.

Oh, and well done OP

I agree snowdin - I feel the same.

Be very honest with your friend and tell her straight the extent of Bella's bullying of your daughter.

If she is a true friend, she will not expect you to welcome Bella in your home again.

Well, IMVHO, you can see this as a threat (as I think you are) or as an opportunity.

I'd take both bella and anna, and I'd occupy bella completely so that your DD and anna got a chance to play while you got bella to make cards / crafty things with you as she was the spare wheel in the arrangement. If that doesn't work, get them all to help you, and use this time to ask bella some questions and get to know her.

Try and find out as much as you can about bella's family history when you have her helping you - she may be a deeply unhappy little girl, and uses this as an excuse to be a bully.

Bullies usually have low self esteem, find out why bella has. Find out why she isolates people and is nasty. Tell them a few stories about friendship and how lovely it is to have lots of friends. bella may be very scared of having no friends at all.

Then contact the school and make them aware that you know there is bullying going on and that they have a duty to stop it. This is best done by a whole school policy, where all the students do workshops on friendships and especially bystanders are empowered to say "hey that's bullying, and we don't tolerate it" - thus isolating the bully, and allowing her to reintegrate when she stops behaving that way.

You need to distance yourself emotionally from this - I think you are over identifying with your DD, and this is clouding your views.
Friendships are fluid and quickly changeable, this is normal: but excluding and being nasty are symptoms of great unhappiness - find out what makes bella tick, and get the school to work on the bullying in a holistic way.
Your Dd can't avoid girls like this (low self esteem and insecure) her whole life: she needs to know how to handle the effect of the kind of behaviour these shortcomings give rise to, and you are given a huge opportunity to help her here.

Sorry LIP, I don't quite understand that?

Well done on acheiving a happy compromise.

Irrelevant now as it has been resolved, but there is no way that I would have a bullying child come over and gatecrash DDs nice time with a friend and then swan off on sleepover with said friend.

Ooo - that'll teach me to read thoroughly before posting! Well done .

I think there is a Bella in every classroom and they make your life a f**king misery.

I know shineon thinks this thread has been crazy but I think she underestimates how pernicious and soul destroying girls can be to each other. It may seem like nothing to an adult but to a young girl these issues are everything so actually shineon I don't get what you find so funny.

Dorje - thanks for your post - it's kind of you to put so much thought into a strangers problems. The issues at school have mellowed a bit and DD is now happyish with another group of friends and Anna some of the time. TBH I think Anna is losing interest with Bellas ways, and they have only been thrown together this FRiday as it's almost a sleepover of convenience.

OP, I know this has been sorted, but are you really going to accept it? You said in your OP that you had agreed to have Anna 'as a last resort' but that her mum only remembered later that she was supposed to be picking up Bella too.

Bollocks. She knew what she was doing. If she wasn't prepared to ask you outright, I would suggest that she also knew it wasn't on to ask you to have a child who bullies your own; to exclude your DD from the sleepover and you from the night out.

Can I ask why you want to continue your friendship with this user woman?

Well...I think Dorje makes some pertinent pints and it's something to think about, but tbh at the end of the day if it were me I'd not bother. Sod Bella.

Tarty, I truly believe that she hadn't put 2 and 2 together - I've known her over 20 years and this sort of ditsiness isn't unusual. She isn't a user, or manipulative, honestly.

Tue 29-Nov-11 21:59:36 "I am going to take the opportunity to take DD out on friday as I got rid of the other 2 to my mums, so that DD and Anna could have some proper time together. It's almost a winwin situation. Thanks for the support".

That is what i meant November. Was a bit as thought Anna's mum had to have Bella too.