to think that this is an too much of an ask?

[Novemberworry]

I have been asked (as a last resort) to have my DDs friend (Anna, say) back after school on friday just for 2ish hours as it's the only time my DF can squeeze in a hair appointment. This is absolutely fine - the girls' get on well together and I'm always happy to help a friend in need. In fact its lovely that they're getting together out of school as theres been a few friend issues - another litle girl (Bella) who had previously played nicely with DD and Anna, and had been welcomed at our house (where she was terribly badly behaved and I think some things of DDs went missing, but I try not to think the worst) has tried to drive a wedge between DD and Anna to the point where DD is constantly, nastily excluded by Bella. I understand Anna is not blameless in this, and I have spoken to DD about true friends and tried to encourage other friendships. She seems to have settled a bit now but it has taken a year.The nastiness that Bella displays is unbelievable when she thinks she isn't being watched, but she plays the game is a very likeable child when she wants (or needs) to be iyswim? Anna is lovely to DD when they are one to one.
So I was quite looking forward to friday and was certainly willing to extend the play time if it was all going swimmingly.
The problem now is - Anna's mom has just texted and said "Oh I forgot that Bella is coming for a sleepover on Friday - you don't mind picking one more of them up do you - I'll be back by 6 at the latest and grab them both and go?"
So, now I have to endure Bella excluding my DD at her own house and having DD feel crap when they go off and have a sleepover at Anna's house, making her feel even more of the spare part.
AIBU to think that this is a bit of a mickeytake of my friend (who knows there have been issues - but not the extent of them)?

(PS - sorry have namechanged just in case)

You need to show your DD by example that you don't tolerate the way Bella behaves. It sounds to me as though you are being used as free childcare.

I am sorry you are so upset and I do understand but please just call your friend, she may be really understanding and had just not thought it through before.

If you really really feel you can't say no, is there another girl your dd is close to who could come over as well and she could stay the night with your dd. 4 is easier dynamic than 3. You could put on a dvd with popcorn and make sure you supervise to keep things in check until the other 2 get picked up.

But you may be plesantly surpriased by your friend so just call her

Oooh X posted and now see that the Grandma is having the girls.

I think you have to grow a pair and put your daughter first OP. Better to be a so-called crap friend than let your daughter down.

If you are happy to let your daughter down in favour of your friend then have Bella.

But personally I think that if she is such a good friend then she will understand when you explain to her, and if she doesnt then she isnt a good friend and you owe her no favours anyway.

Your friend can get her hair done anytime, but your DD relys on you all the time. Please dont do this to her :(

Please stop being so soft, stick up for your daughter and say no.

It's really not worth crying over a missed haircut!

Why do you keep making excuses to not follow the very reasonable advice you've been given?
And if you're crying over it then there's more to all this than you've said.
Does your friendship with Anna's mum hinge on you being a doormat doing her favours?

Your hoping for a magic solution here but there isn't one so make your choice.

Fine, pick Bella up, have her pick on your DD. Put your friend above your DD. Just don't bloody well post and tell us how miserable your DD was when you could have bloody well avoided it!!!

Look - you are clearly a nice person but with all due respect you are being too nice here. But would i be right in thinking that you feel that you tend to do all the favours when it comes to friendships?

if your friend had a hospital appointment I would have more sympathy. But it's a haircut. her night out isn't going to be ruined because she has to cancel it.

On the other hand, you are going to feel increasingly stressed in the run up to Friday ad there is the potential for your DD to be incredibly unhappy come friday night.

Stop putting your friends needs and feelings above your own. There is absolutely nothing wrong with saying no. She did actually phrase it as a question so it's not like you don't have a get out.

That's what I wondered Nanny.

Maybe the OP is afraid Anna's mum will choose Bella's mum over her?

But you see OP, we all think your DD may well pick up on it. And even if she doesn't, why should she have a shitty friday night and wave bye to her friend and queen bee for their sleepover, just cos you couldn't put her before your mate's haircut?

[sceptical]

Just say (or do a cowardly text like she did - even better) 'No -I dont want three of them as dont get on altogether tbh and its not fair on my 'DDs name' as the other two having sleepover and she will feel left out. Sorry and all that but let me know if you still want me to have Anna. Keep it casual like she did and then just press send. Just do it - we are all behind you.

Crap friend or crap mother?

no brainer IMO

As a child I was in an awful 3 way 'friendship' - in your DDs position. As a perfectly happy well adjusted adult reading this took me straight back 20 years, and I'm really upset by the thought of those 2 girls going off for a sleepover and leaving your DD, I know what that feels like.

Don't do that to your DD.

My DM stood up for me and that stuck with me for life, mothers protect.

November, how about you say the following: "DD, you know you were looking forward to playing with Anna on Friday? Well Bella's coming now, you know, the one who bullies you, and then they're both going to Anna's house for a sleepover. Er no, you're not invited.". No? Thought not.

You've got two choices - you either have the above conversation, or you send a polite text to your "friend". Doing the right thing for your DD top trumps a hair cut anytime.

If you were going on a good night out, wouldn't you like your hair looking smart? No I don't feel intimidated or awed or anything by Anna's mum, she is a lovely friend, that's why I want to help her out. It was all going to be lovely until she remembered the Bella promise, but she's a bit ditsy like that.

Act now before it get's any later. "Can only have Anna, let me know if you still want me to pick her up".

No need for apologies or explanations, but do it now before it becomes a bigger issue

Don't stress - it's only 2 hours. If Anna's mum is a good friend and you don't want to let her down, simply do an activity with the three girls for the time they are at yours - baking/crafts - something where the kids won't be left alone to exclude your dd.

I don't think it's that big a deal, to be honest.

If your friend stops talking to you or gets annoyed that you can't do as she asks then she isn't a proper friend to you and really not worth worrying about.

OP, have a

No I don't do all the favours. She had my 3 on a school night recently so I could go on a long weekend city break.