to think that this is an too much of an ask?

[Novemberworry]

I have been asked (as a last resort) to have my DDs friend (Anna, say) back after school on friday just for 2ish hours as it's the only time my DF can squeeze in a hair appointment. This is absolutely fine - the girls' get on well together and I'm always happy to help a friend in need. In fact its lovely that they're getting together out of school as theres been a few friend issues - another litle girl (Bella) who had previously played nicely with DD and Anna, and had been welcomed at our house (where she was terribly badly behaved and I think some things of DDs went missing, but I try not to think the worst) has tried to drive a wedge between DD and Anna to the point where DD is constantly, nastily excluded by Bella. I understand Anna is not blameless in this, and I have spoken to DD about true friends and tried to encourage other friendships. She seems to have settled a bit now but it has taken a year.The nastiness that Bella displays is unbelievable when she thinks she isn't being watched, but she plays the game is a very likeable child when she wants (or needs) to be iyswim? Anna is lovely to DD when they are one to one.
So I was quite looking forward to friday and was certainly willing to extend the play time if it was all going swimmingly.
The problem now is - Anna's mom has just texted and said "Oh I forgot that Bella is coming for a sleepover on Friday - you don't mind picking one more of them up do you - I'll be back by 6 at the latest and grab them both and go?"
So, now I have to endure Bella excluding my DD at her own house and having DD feel crap when they go off and have a sleepover at Anna's house, making her feel even more of the spare part.
AIBU to think that this is a bit of a mickeytake of my friend (who knows there have been issues - but not the extent of them)?

(PS - sorry have namechanged just in case)

I think if it were just having them for the 2 hours then that would be manageable BUT they are going off to a sleepover without your dd; even if they are all lovely pleasant children, this would be hard for your dd - the fact that one has form for being horrid just makes it worse. Please don't put your child in that situation.
I agree that you just need to text that you are not able to have bella as well, without giving a reason.

Shiney, I think you and me are in some sort of parallel universe!

Shineon

Allowing this to happen when there have already been issues involving bullying and exclusion = crap parenting IMO

Horses for courses though eh?

Not something I would do to my dd.

Good question helpmabob.

OP, are these girls 17? Hmmmm? Are you on the wind up?

There is no way Anna's mum forgot about Bella. Have I got this wrong but aren't the two mums going out together?

To be honest, not looking after Bella isn't letting Anna's mum down - she can still have her hair cut.

Bella's mum may have to cut her own spa day short or find someone else to look after darling Bella. It's not your problem!!!

Ok. I've just phoned her and said that I'd rather not as I still wasn't comfy with Bella after the friends situation of the past. She was fine really, so I've invited her round on thursday night -I'll put the colour on and straighten it for her - it won't be as nice as a hairdressers finish, but she seemed quite content with that and we can have a glass of wine or so. I'm daft to get myself worked up really - but I hate letting anyone down.
Dozer - I don't think I deserved a biscuit - I'm glad I'm not your friend. I am going to take the opportunity to take DD out on friday as I got rid of the other 2 to my mums, so that DD and Anna could have some proper time together. It's almost a winwin situation. Thanks for the support.

I agree with lilackaty
What she says is basically how I would feel about it.

It's fairly obvious from the OPs responses that she is going to go ahead and look after Anna and Bella regardless of how uncomfortable that makes her DD. there's nothing more to see here, move along...

I can see why you don't want to let your friend down, but honestly, if she's a real friend, she will be able to understand why you don't want to do this. She can ask another mum to take the two girls for her this time (still plenty of time to make arrangements before Friday) and you can arrange a proper playdate for your DD later.

What was originally a scenario of doing something positive for your DD (a playdate that would reinforce her bond with her friend) has turned into something negative (a playdate where she is very likely to be excluded).

Perhaps sometime in the future it would be possible for you to have a playdate with all three girls, but you should arrange for your DD to play with Bella on her own first (if you care about mending her relationship with that child). Then you can monitor the children carefully to ensure that everything goes well. If Bella treats your DD well on that occasion, and your daughter starts to regain confidence in their friendship, then you could consider having all three girls, but not before then. That is what I would try if DD were my kid, anyway. And I can't imagine having a friend I couldn't explain the situation to. I would just be honest. Clearly you're a nice person and your friend will see that you are genuinely sorry you aren't able to help her out this time.

This thread is so frustrating:

It seems you have 3 choices:

1. Say NO and why (all understandable)

1. Say yes and let your dd deal with it.

1. Say yes but invite a 4th girl to balance numbers and spend night with your dd so she doesn't feel left out and crap.

What plain white t said. Do it now, with no explanation

Ooooh proven wrong! Glad though, nice one OP!

Good work OP.

Good for you OP.:)

My first one no less! :)

I don't believe this for a second. Nobody cries over a friend's missed hair appointment!

Sorry!

Oh, I've just read your update! Well done OP!

Well done, OP .

The girls arent your problem, you have sorted that.

Its your inability to say no that you need to deal with. People can smell a walkover a mile off, and I wonder if Bella is a chip off the old block and her mum knew that you wouldnt struggle to say no to Annas Mum so got her to ask you to have Bella instead of asking you herself.

You need some assertiveness training imo!

They're 8.

I am normally quite nice, this was in fact my first ever biscuit!

Not too sad to miss out on being friends though. Shineon and starling, on the other hand, can join your parallel universe, where everyone has good hair!