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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that this is an too much of an ask?

182 replies

Novemberworry · 29/11/2011 21:12

I have been asked (as a last resort) to have my DDs friend (Anna, say) back after school on friday just for 2ish hours as it's the only time my DF can squeeze in a hair appointment. This is absolutely fine - the girls' get on well together and I'm always happy to help a friend in need. In fact its lovely that they're getting together out of school as theres been a few friend issues - another litle girl (Bella) who had previously played nicely with DD and Anna, and had been welcomed at our house (where she was terribly badly behaved and I think some things of DDs went missing, but I try not to think the worst) has tried to drive a wedge between DD and Anna to the point where DD is constantly, nastily excluded by Bella. I understand Anna is not blameless in this, and I have spoken to DD about true friends and tried to encourage other friendships. She seems to have settled a bit now but it has taken a year.The nastiness that Bella displays is unbelievable when she thinks she isn't being watched, but she plays the game is a very likeable child when she wants (or needs) to be iyswim? Anna is lovely to DD when they are one to one.
So I was quite looking forward to friday and was certainly willing to extend the play time if it was all going swimmingly.
The problem now is - Anna's mom has just texted and said "Oh I forgot that Bella is coming for a sleepover on Friday - you don't mind picking one more of them up do you - I'll be back by 6 at the latest and grab them both and go?" Sad
So, now I have to endure Bella excluding my DD at her own house and having DD feel crap when they go off and have a sleepover at Anna's house, making her feel even more of the spare part.
AIBU to think that this is a bit of a mickeytake of my friend (who knows there have been issues - but not the extent of them)?

(PS - sorry have namechanged just in case)

OP posts:
rhondajean · 29/11/2011 21:26

Why cant she pick Bella up herself after 6 then?

You can and should say no. Deep breath and make the call.

Greatdomestic · 29/11/2011 21:26

I think that's taking the p*.

Tell her you've got concerns on Bella's behaviour and you wouldn't have agreed if you'd known Bella was coming too.

Maybe she didn't "forget" Bella was coming for a sleepover and thought this was a better way to sell the idea to you - after all you've already agreed to having Anna, so she knows you're available.

And I wonder if Bella's parents know that she's going to be at your house and it's not your friend who's picking them up from school on Friday.

Kayzr · 29/11/2011 21:27

You are not stuck. You just say no. Imagine how your dd will feel. Surely she's more important than a haircut.

RandomMess · 29/11/2011 21:27

I would just say "as Bella is still bullying dd, I'm sorry but I can't it's too unfair on dd"

rhondajean · 29/11/2011 21:27

You are not stuck.

Deep breath and make the call.

nellyjane · 29/11/2011 21:28

Greatdomestic - quite! I'd be pretty annoyed if I agreed for my child to go to a sleepover and then found the mother had arranged for them to be looked after by someone else.

wifeofdoom · 29/11/2011 21:28

Not stuck at all - neither of these are your problem. Just say, no dd doesn't get on with Bella - happy to have Anna though.

SmethwickBelle · 29/11/2011 21:28

If you can't get out of it perhaps engineer some massive treat for your daughter to counter any sleep over bragging (and to cheer her up).

There is a chance the dynamic has moved on and they'll play nicely insert hopeful icon for you Two hours isn't much - maybe stick a DVD on or insist on their help with something so they're not left sniping or given the chance to squirrel off in pairs.

EverybodysScaryEyed · 29/11/2011 21:28

Err, no you're not stuck

Anna's mum is using you for free childcare. She knew she had Bella when she asked you. Yet she still arranged a hairdressers appointment.

This is not your problem and it should definitely not be your DD's problem.

To be blunt - you are letting A's mum walk all over you. What example is that to your daughter?

LikeACandleButNotQuite · 29/11/2011 21:29

Your friend should not have arranged to have Bella on a day that she is not actually free to have her. I'd say no.

pictish · 29/11/2011 21:30

"No - I'm afraid I won't have Bella over...she isn't especially nice to dd, and I won't have dd feel excluded in her own home before waving her and Anna off for a jolly sleepover. No."

Will do fine.

Xales · 29/11/2011 21:31

Anna's mum is basically saying you are good enough for free child care and then for your DD to be dumped for Anna and Bella to have a better fantastic evening with out your DD.

Why would you think that is acceptable?

helpmabob · 29/11/2011 21:31

I am a pushover a lot of the time but this is one time you have to be strong. Three as a dynamic is a struggle with girls at the best of times but with this history you just can't do it. Home is where our dds get to escape the bitchiness at school, don't bring it into her safe domain. This is not your problem and you have to stand strong.

microserf · 29/11/2011 21:32

No, you aren't stuck at all. you make the call. sorry, but this is rather taking the piss regardless of the friend issues. i'd not let a child that made my dd so unhappy in our home.

i agree with everybodysScaryEyed. there is some piss taking going on as well.

say. no.

Original poster
Novemberworry · 29/11/2011 21:32

I don't think I'm letting Anna's mum walk all over me - I'm helping a friend out. Surely that's a good example isn't it?

OP posts:
marfisa · 29/11/2011 21:32

You don't schedule a haircut on an afternoon when you have agreed to pick up someone else's child for a playdate. That is crazy! She can't reasonably expect to shift a childcare commitment she made to someone else onto you.

I agree that you should say, 'Sorry, but Bella is still bullying my DD, so I can't do it.' Be firm.

Dozer · 29/11/2011 21:33

No, you're not stuck, don't be pathetic, this is your DD being treated badly, have some backbone, text the haircut friend and she can speak to the other girl's mum, where they are / their arrangements are not your problem!

Have some backbone, come on!

shineypenny · 29/11/2011 21:34

Wait until Friday morning, text her and tell her you are unwell and you don't want to risk the girls getting ill. Suggest that Anna comes to tea one day next week. Take your dd out after school on Friday.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 29/11/2011 21:34

Definitely say no. Just a text will do "I'm afraid I can't collect Bella too", don't apologise or feel obliged to explain. Your friend sounds a bit of a cheeky cow tbh

Dozer · 29/11/2011 21:34

Are you thick?

Kayzr · 29/11/2011 21:34

No it's not a good example to let the girl that is horrible to your DD come to play at your house.

To me it says "I don't care how you feel DD, Bella and Anna are going to play at our house and probably ignore you"

Catsdontcare · 29/11/2011 21:34

Your daughter doesn't need a good example she needs her own home to be a place she is happy and not bullied.

Schnarkle · 29/11/2011 21:35

Completely agree with pictish.

SantasENormaSnob · 29/11/2011 21:36

You have to put your daughter first.

Otherwise she is likely to be bullied in her own home, a place she should feel safe and happy. Then she has to wave the other 2 off to a sleepover of which she is excluded Sad

no fucking way could I put a little girl through that.

gladders · 29/11/2011 21:36

helping a friend out will make your own daughter feel more miserable about her own friendships than before.

v easy to say no these days - a text is v quick: "sorry, can't have Bella as dd and she don't really get along. happy to have Anna if you still need a hand"

to be honest, if she gets stroppy, she's BU and will be no great loss herself.

how come she's hosting a sleepover if she's going out?

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