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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that this is an too much of an ask?

182 replies

Novemberworry · 29/11/2011 21:12

I have been asked (as a last resort) to have my DDs friend (Anna, say) back after school on friday just for 2ish hours as it's the only time my DF can squeeze in a hair appointment. This is absolutely fine - the girls' get on well together and I'm always happy to help a friend in need. In fact its lovely that they're getting together out of school as theres been a few friend issues - another litle girl (Bella) who had previously played nicely with DD and Anna, and had been welcomed at our house (where she was terribly badly behaved and I think some things of DDs went missing, but I try not to think the worst) has tried to drive a wedge between DD and Anna to the point where DD is constantly, nastily excluded by Bella. I understand Anna is not blameless in this, and I have spoken to DD about true friends and tried to encourage other friendships. She seems to have settled a bit now but it has taken a year.The nastiness that Bella displays is unbelievable when she thinks she isn't being watched, but she plays the game is a very likeable child when she wants (or needs) to be iyswim? Anna is lovely to DD when they are one to one.
So I was quite looking forward to friday and was certainly willing to extend the play time if it was all going swimmingly.
The problem now is - Anna's mom has just texted and said "Oh I forgot that Bella is coming for a sleepover on Friday - you don't mind picking one more of them up do you - I'll be back by 6 at the latest and grab them both and go?" Sad
So, now I have to endure Bella excluding my DD at her own house and having DD feel crap when they go off and have a sleepover at Anna's house, making her feel even more of the spare part.
AIBU to think that this is a bit of a mickeytake of my friend (who knows there have been issues - but not the extent of them)?

(PS - sorry have namechanged just in case)

OP posts:
helpmabob · 29/11/2011 21:36

Just tell your friend why you can't do it. People with daughters should understand. Every single person on this thread agrees you shouldn't do it and that is unusual for aibu on mn, believe me, so that alone should tell you something. Your dd is more important. Your friend can get her hair done anytime or shock horror do it herself.

Original poster
Novemberworry · 29/11/2011 21:36

Now I feel like a crap mum and all I'm trying to do is help a friend out. Crying now.

OP posts:
Dozer · 29/11/2011 21:36

You are showing your dd that you will allow her to be bullied / exluded in her own home, in order to help a friend who has failed to meet HER commitments, which were HER responsibility.

Good example?

Xales · 29/11/2011 21:36

You agreed to look after her DD for a few hours helping her out I agree that is not letting her walk over you.

Circumstances have now changed however.

If these 2 girls come around one who is a bully and nasty to your child and another who lets this happen and then they go off after a couple of hours for a lovely sleep over you are letting your DD know that these two girls together are more important than she is and that their excluding her is acceptable.

TheProvincialLady · 29/11/2011 21:37

It isnt your haircut or spa day that is under threat here, it's your kind of friend's and the mother of someone who bullies your daughter. Not your problem. A simple no, I can't do it will suffice. What the two mothers arrange between them is up to them.

Dozer · 29/11/2011 21:37

Ffs, just stop crying and sort it out! Easily sorted.

Sevenfold · 29/11/2011 21:37

wow no way.....your poor dd would be all left out when they go off for their sleepover.

EverybodysScaryEyed · 29/11/2011 21:38

No it isn't a good example because she has shifted the goalposts with no regards to you or your DD's feelings. Even if there were no friendship issues she is still taking the piss. It is one thing having one kid over but 2 really changes the dynamics and can make everything harder work.

Anna's mum has made Bella's mum's life easier by effectively babysitting that night. Are they going out together?

Regardless, You just can't do this to your daughter.

Original poster
Novemberworry · 29/11/2011 21:38

Sleepover was arranged partly because of going out - the grandma is happy to look after both of them. And saves Bella's mum getting a sitter cos she struggles with that.

OP posts:
TheProvincialLady · 29/11/2011 21:39

You're crying because your friend might not get a haircut?! It's a haircut, not open heart surgery - she can rearrange.

gladders · 29/11/2011 21:39

really no need to cry - send the text and have a glass of wine. it's your friend's haircut or your daughter's happiness. no question

microserf · 29/11/2011 21:39

goodness, i think you're getting a bit too worked up over this. one mother has agreed to have the girls and is trying to offload them onto you to have a hair appointment. one of them bullies your dd. it's entirely reasonable to say no even without the bullying issue.

i'm not sure why you posted otherwise? seriously, just say no.

WhoWhoWhoWho · 29/11/2011 21:39

I wouldn't do it.

On what planet do mums go off to Spa's and for haircuts foisting their children onto unsuspecting free childcare friends? Because I'm clearly living on a different planet entirely. If Anna's mum is off for a night out why is she having bella over for a sleepover? Who will be watching the girls while she goes out with her newly coiffed hair??

It would be extremely insensitive all round to expect your DD to have a girl in her house who is slyly unkind to her (3 in a group of girls is never a good number), and then to have them chatting about their lovely sleepover later that evening that your dd is NOT invited to.

Again. I would not do this.

TartyMcFarty · 29/11/2011 21:39

OK OP, have Bella over, help a pisstaker friend and deal with your DD's discomfort if that makes you feel better ... or take the good advice you're being offered and say no to Anna's mum. You could even tell her exactly why you won't have Bella.

Dozer · 29/11/2011 21:39

Stop drip-feeding OP.

Original poster
Novemberworry · 29/11/2011 21:39

Dozer - I don't think my DD will see the nuances of that. And I know what nuance means, ergo I am not thick. Angry

OP posts:
SquirtedPerfumeUpNoseInBoots · 29/11/2011 21:40

You were asked as a last resort to have Anna. Now she wants you to have Bella? No chance. Just say Bella is bullying your DD. She can't have a come back to that.

LadyInPink · 29/11/2011 21:40

Is there even room in your car for another one? You could invent some extra children that you have to pick up so there's no room for 'Bella'. Feel sorry for Anna's dad having to babysit two little girls (one who sounds a nightmare btw) while his DW goes out for the night.

pictish · 29/11/2011 21:40

Are you intimidated or over awed by Anna's mum...or want to impress her. Are you afraid that if you say no it could have negative connotations for you?
I can't think of any other reason as to why you would put your mate's haircut before your daughter's feelings.

When Bella and Anna are together they exclude your dd, yes?
So....your dd has to feel like a spare part in her own house, before waving them off to a sleepover together that she is not invited to....just so you can fulfill your obligation to your mate. Is that right?

gladders · 29/11/2011 21:40

why can't grandma come over a bit earlier if she's happy to look after both of them?

Haggisfish · 29/11/2011 21:40

Fine. Do what will make you and DD unhappy. why ask if you are going to ignore the majority of people say? I'm sorry, but I bet Anna's mum thought 'November worry is a pushover, she won't mind. well, she might, but she won't say anything.'

allagory · 29/11/2011 21:40

Just state your position, don't give reasons. You don't want to negotiate:

Really happy to have Anna over to help you out but sorry, not Bella.

No excuses required. She can sort it out. She can cancel hair or re arrange the sleepover. Why should your daughter be the one to suffer because she is badly organized?

Original poster
Novemberworry · 29/11/2011 21:40

I'm not drip feeding.

OP posts:
TartyMcFarty · 29/11/2011 21:41

PS - Anna's mum didn't 'forget' she was supposed to be picking Bella up. She knows there's an issue.

MaryThornbar · 29/11/2011 21:41

So Anna's and Bella's Mums go off for a jolly old night out, while their daughters have a lovely sleepover together - looks like you're both being excluded and walked over! Tell her no! They are taking the piss!