To want my mum to spend christmas with us and not my deadbeat brother?

[BupcakesandCunting]

I'm not sure whether I am asking whether AIBU really or just wanting to blow off steam...

Bit of backstory (the condensed version, if pressed I will expand on issues, not drip-feeding) my brother is a notoriously selfish and toxic arsehole. He lives in Brighton, my mum lives here in the Midlands close to us. He has done various things to upset mum, myself and others including leeching money from mum because he refuses to get a job, cajoled my step-gran into handing cash over to him to pay his rent (he is at uni, should say that he is 22 though, not 18) then point-blank refuses to answer the 'phone to her when she calls him to make sure he has handed teh rent money to his landlord, threatened to stab my uncle, cheated on several girlfriends then gone AWOL when caught out and left "suicide" messages to get attention... The latest thing is that my mum has been ill the last few weeks and despite everyone trying to get hold of him, he refuses to return calls/get in touch. He is alive and well and I know this because my cousin says he is on Facebook most days... So he has had no contact with my mum for four weeks, despite her being quite poorly.

Mum had been staying with us up until last thursday. I've cooked for her, washed her clothes, ran her to doctors/hospital/emergency doctors etc. I'm not complaining, I liked looking after her and miss her now she's gone back home. I've been checking on her to make sure she has everything she needs and have been taking her shopping in etc.

Now, I refuse to have my brother here for christmas. past experience has taught me that it is no good for my blood pressure. DH and I do all of the work whilst he sits on his arse with his face in his iPhone. Doesn't offer to help wash-up/lay table or anything. I don't want him here anyway, really as I just don't like him. He is coming back in a few weeks and I've told mum that she is very welcome, we would like her to be here with us if she likes, but he is not. He would be more than welcome at my ex stepdad's so it's not like he has nowhere to go. Mum says she can't leave him on christmas day. So she will cook dinner for the two of them, then he will leave her to wash-up and bugger off out with his mates.

I feel like I should be the one that gets to have her here at christmas. He won't even so much as offer to make her a cup of tea, much les have thought to get her a present or card. I feel like I deserve to have her here and he doesn't.

There I said it. I sound like a spoiled brat but it's how I feel :( Sorry that was LONG...

Here's some background.
I have a BIL who was an alcoholic whom nobody wanted and he had nowhere to go at xmas a few years back.
His flat was a shell and it was freezing.
I invited him to dinner on xmas day and he had a marvellous time.
It was his last xmas because he died the next january.
This is my theory.
Xmas is about giving to people you dont like and if you dont do this you're not entering into the xmas spirit.

With a lot of respect you can take your grip and empathy back because i'll not be needing either.

It's an AIBU carenotasaint.

I lodged my opinion that the OP was being unreasonable.

What I didn't expect was a pity party for someone who is quite obviously selfish.

And what about the fact that he threatened to stab his uncle. Do you really think someone like that should be around children.

This AIBU was drip fed.

Are you a copper?

Is this interrogation room 16 and am I supposed to ask for a fag and a phone call to my brief?

You're taking this way too seriously Det Inspector carenotasaint.

And yes.

That's sarcasm.

I thunk the difference here is your bil had a marvellous time

Bups brother sounds like he ruined the day for everyone else last year, why should she invite him again

Your sarcasm and nastiness would be better appreciated over at MSE.

Show me where i've been nasty?
You're the one coughing up suggestive remarks.
Must remember.
Read thread and adjust my view to the loudest people on said thread in case some muppets nose gets out of joint.
You passive aggressive ohh so delicate fool.

dancing I recently spent many hours banging my head against the keyboard re a thread where many posters suggested that it was perfectly reasonable for an aunt to refuse to have her 10 year old niece for Christmas when the girls parents were working, so I am pretty full on with my views about Christmas being a time for peace on earth and goodwill to all men in a totally nonreligious fashion you understand but sometimes you have to put your own immediate family first.

In the same way that the OP's mum is putting her son first, bups is entitled to put her DC's first and ensure their Christmas is not ruined.

I know nothing of toxic sibblings - I have two fabulous ones but as has been pointed out this isn't actually about a your brother it is about your mother and I have plenty of experience of toxic mothers, especially one that likes playing teh martyr.

The only option is to refuse to engage. Just state your position. She can come for lunch, your brother cannot. Don't negotiate or bargain and most of all don't be disappointed that she wont choose you. Because she wont. I understand that hurts but the sooner you stop wishing your mother was something she is not, the easier this shit gets to bear.

FWIW you seem like a decent sort, your posts are often amusing and sane, I'm sorry you are dealing with this it is rubbish.

It's horrible when families are toxic.

But this situation is quite simple.

The DM prefers to be with the DBro, not the OP. If OP is determined to turn it into a competition of "deservingness", then she has lost and none of her arguments and pleas are cutting any ice with the only audience which matters (her DM). That must hurt like hell, and facing up to it is hard.

But if OP is going to see it in terms of who deserves what, that is what she has to deal with. And trying to deal with family dysfunctions during the stresses of Christmas never works.

Seeing it in terms of her DM as a grown up with her own independent views, choices and opinions with which you might not agree but which you acknowledge she is free to make; that might be less hurtful.

dancingmustard, you are a moron. That is all.

I haven't drip-fed AT ALL! What have I drip-fed?! I mentioned the stab threat in my OP, if that's what you're referring to and I did say that the things mentioned in my OP were the condensed version and that I would expand on things if I needed to. Yes, for once, I am being selfish. Having had the last three christmases ruined, I've wised up. I'm glad that your BIL had a nice last christmas before he passed away but he is not the same as my brother.

Edith, I totally understand about freedom of choice (for my mother) but it's not simply a case of "I don't want to come to yours, I'd rather spend it with my DS" and off she goes and has a lovely day. She is hinting, quite heavily, that she is going to have a rubbish day just the two of them. I feel guilty but don't want to go back on what I have said about him not coming.

I can predict what will happen. Xmas eve he will go out on the piss with his mates... and probably roll through the door the next morning. Then go to bed for the day, until he swans downstairs for some food.. then he will either go back to bed, or go out with his mates.

He is 22, wont give a toss about family or christmas, and wont care if your mum is round at yours, in fact he would probably prefer it.

Can you not just say to him "look, just tell mum that you dont mind her coming here", and offer to plate him a dinner up and send it there for him to microwave when he crawls out of his pit.

He doesn't operate like that, squeaky. He likes to have his turkey dinner and pwesents and traditional christmas afternoon time. The git. He won't want to be on his Jack Jones whilst mum is here enjoying herself.

I'm just going to do what others have suggested and not engage. I've made my decision and I'm sticking to it. I will counter any obstacles thrown by mum with a cheery reply. If she says "Ooooh but it'll be rubbish just the two of us!" I will say "It'll be what you make it, mother! And if it really IS that bad, crack open the Bailey's."

Didn't like to say earlier because it was in the midst of some emotional posts, but I lolled at your mums 'little chicken'

My opinion: it's your mother's decision. You're her easy child - she doesn't have to worry about you. She worries for him. At the same time, she could make things better by standing up to him, but she doesn't. So, so be it. You have your day without him, and if your mother chooses to be with him then so be it. Her unwillingness to take the hard decisions and make him improve his behaviour is not your problem. There are 364 more days in the year for you to do things with your mum.

I had to chew my lips to stop myself laughing yesterday when she said it FFS I saw a turkey that resembled a cocksparrow in the butcher's this morning. Like I said "Plenty left for tuyrkey sarnies/curry = win/win!"

Oh alwaysme your poor, poor mother. It must be unbearable for you to know that you much loved mum went through so much when she was a child. You sound very loving towards her, and the surprise anniversary in a castle sounds wonderful. How utterly awful that your brother behaves in that way (and like you say, how awful for him as well to have wasted his life).

buppy the hard thing is that there are 24 shoppind days until christmas and your mum is going to harp on about christmas day probably every time she sees you. I do feel sorry for her in a way, but she is in a rot of her own making, and is choosing to martyr herself. I think you should stand your ground - you are not being cruel or spiteful or whatever she may say, you are just the veteran of several shitty christmases and I think it is about time that you put yourself (and your dp and ds) first for once.

I would love to take you up on the invite - DP for one would be staggered that there is someone else in the land who loathes Peter Andre (he is one of these infuriating people who sees the best in everyone, and thinks that PA is a nice bloke, and that I am an insane harridan with my rantings)

Does your mother do the Deep Sigh. So she doesn't have to say any words at all, but looks pointedly at something pertinent, or puts a particularly 'hurt' face on, and then sighs deeply in order to prompt a 'what's wrong, mum?'

Oh GetOrf I am laughing now at your DP for liking the passive-aggressive Oompa Loompa He must be Insania.

I'll get me coat...

You must stay strong!

When she's buying her teeny tiny bag of 5 sprouts, don't waver!

When she picks up the individual Xmas pud, don't falter!

OMG YES! The hurt face. DH and I refer to it as that... "And then she pulled the hurt face on us..." Then I say "What's wrong?" and she goes "Nothing" and I ask her again and she says nothing ad nauseum until I go "Ok, good" and she goes "WELL HACTUALLY..."

I've been making an effort to ignore the deep sigh of late and the hurt face. I just pretend I've not seen or heard. I am deluding myself, of course, that if I put an end to the victim/feed cycle, she will desist. She doesn't, though. The sighing ends up sounding like the noise a steam train makes when it is about to depart the station platform and she practically dances in front of me doing hurt face until I notice...

Oh no, 5 sprouts!

Do you know? The little cunt (brother) had the balls to have a pop at my mum last year because she'd got rid of the traditional green tree and bought a silver one? "It's just not christmassy enough" he moaned. I think I did very well not to hurl him on top of it, point of tree wedged firmly in his arsehole, leaving him looking like a petulant, Pete Doherty-wannabe fairy.

As a compromise, and appologies if you've already thought of this, could your Mum have lunch with your brother and then when he goes out zip up to you?

You could have a Christmas meal at sixish...we've done that sometimes when people have had a long way to travel.

Your brother sounds like Frankie Cocozza

I did shock DP, I am normally very mildly mannered and don't swear much (oh yes indeedy) and once, after a few hours ranting on here with you lot about Peter Andre, I saw him on the telly and aggressively said 'look at that greasy malevolent cunt'. You should have seen DP's face. If only he knew half of the stuff which goes on on here . I am sure he thinks I come on here to talk about how to grind spices.

YY to the endless hurt faces and actions. And then when you crack, and say 'oh for GOD'S SAKE what is the matter ^now?' the tears start...

My mother does a whole spiel when she just puts her hand up, lips tremble, and then walks off, shaking her head in disgust. She will not respond at all, and if you try and speak to her she just stalks past.

I haven't seen my mother for years, but my brother had a row with her in the summer, all I said was 'did she do the walk and shake' and he just looked at me with hunted eyes.