To want my mum to spend christmas with us and not my deadbeat brother?

[BupcakesandCunting]

I'm not sure whether I am asking whether AIBU really or just wanting to blow off steam...

Bit of backstory (the condensed version, if pressed I will expand on issues, not drip-feeding) my brother is a notoriously selfish and toxic arsehole. He lives in Brighton, my mum lives here in the Midlands close to us. He has done various things to upset mum, myself and others including leeching money from mum because he refuses to get a job, cajoled my step-gran into handing cash over to him to pay his rent (he is at uni, should say that he is 22 though, not 18) then point-blank refuses to answer the 'phone to her when she calls him to make sure he has handed teh rent money to his landlord, threatened to stab my uncle, cheated on several girlfriends then gone AWOL when caught out and left "suicide" messages to get attention... The latest thing is that my mum has been ill the last few weeks and despite everyone trying to get hold of him, he refuses to return calls/get in touch. He is alive and well and I know this because my cousin says he is on Facebook most days... So he has had no contact with my mum for four weeks, despite her being quite poorly.

Mum had been staying with us up until last thursday. I've cooked for her, washed her clothes, ran her to doctors/hospital/emergency doctors etc. I'm not complaining, I liked looking after her and miss her now she's gone back home. I've been checking on her to make sure she has everything she needs and have been taking her shopping in etc.

Now, I refuse to have my brother here for christmas. past experience has taught me that it is no good for my blood pressure. DH and I do all of the work whilst he sits on his arse with his face in his iPhone. Doesn't offer to help wash-up/lay table or anything. I don't want him here anyway, really as I just don't like him. He is coming back in a few weeks and I've told mum that she is very welcome, we would like her to be here with us if she likes, but he is not. He would be more than welcome at my ex stepdad's so it's not like he has nowhere to go. Mum says she can't leave him on christmas day. So she will cook dinner for the two of them, then he will leave her to wash-up and bugger off out with his mates.

I feel like I should be the one that gets to have her here at christmas. He won't even so much as offer to make her a cup of tea, much les have thought to get her a present or card. I feel like I deserve to have her here and he doesn't.

There I said it. I sound like a spoiled brat but it's how I feel :( Sorry that was LONG...

I think that my mum likes skivvying for my arse of a brother, too. Makes her feel needed or some shit that a psychologist would have a field day with.

If some poor woman is daft enough to ever cohabit with my brother, she will be on here writing reams about my mother being some kind of awful MIL. :(

Bups- if some poor woman ever is daft enough to co-habit with him she will probably be on here being told- leave him, the bastard!!! You know what MNers are like!!!

I will be shouting it louder than everyone else! I'll use caps and bold and everything!

Your brother sounds like a cock. Sorry. He seems to see himself as a victim (the suicide threats/money scrounging etc- is it ever his fault?). Unfortunately your mum now views him this way too, and you not inviting him for Christmas is only going to re-enforce this.

I don't know what you should do, it would stick in my throat too if I was in your position!

Have you ever tried telling her exactly how it makes you feel - not just now but all the favouritism over the years? I was particluarly struck by your tales from childhood e.g. him being bought more presents in the sales and so on.

Have you ever tried asking her why she won't let him lift a finger for himself but insists on running around doing all the jobs he should be doing?

Maybe you could put it all in a letter if it makes it easier, post it and then wait to see if she mentions it.

Perhaps she needs it spelling out to see how upsetting it is for you and how under-values it makes you feel.

East, born & bred Nottinghamshire, now Leicestershire. Foul regional accent.

Anyway, Its not that she doesn't want to spend Christmas with you. She's just doing what she thinks is best in a misguided way. Doesn't make it any fairer though.

Mothers and sons. Nightmare. Least you're learning what not to do with the Bupcakelet.

Bupcakes seriously you could be me right now! With the constant bloody excuses and the "well he NEEDS me"! Yeah? Well I fucking need you too sometimes and even when I don't I'M THE ONE THAT DOES EVERYTHING FOR YOU!!! Gawd! and relax...

Don't back down on this, why should YOUR Christmas be ruined. I'm slowly learning not to feel guilty for the decisions that my mother, as a grown woman in her own mind makes!

It strikes me that the AIBU in this thread could be paraphrased as 'AIBU to wish my mother would make me the favourite instead of my undeserving brother'. it's not really about Christmas but way more than that, right?

YANBU to resent it, but I think YABU to think you'll succeed in making your mother change her mind by forcing her to choose. At the end of the day if she prefers your brother then it matters not a jot how unfair that is, or how much of a twunt he is; she'll still prefer him.

TBH I'd stop trying to make her see what a loving daughter you are and how much nicer you are than him. I'd give her a round beasting for the unfairness of her preference, and for the damage it's done both to you and to her entitled, wastrel brother. The. Pack her off to enjoy the fruits of her favouritism in the form of an oven-ready Christmas meal for one chez your brother, and enjoy Christmas with Mr Bupcakes and the Bupcakelets.

Her entitled and wasteful son, that is. THEN pack her off, etc.

Damn iPhone

Sorry bup but its not just about what you want.

Your mum has a right to spend time with her son on xmas day.

Just as you have the right not to.

Oh God, don't be sorry CraicDealer (good name btw) He IS a MASSIVE cock. Nothing is ever his fault, no. I will be the big bad wolf for not inviting him. Don't care though!

Thing is, if I tell my mum how shite it makes me feel, I have to be careful. She takes criticism badly and very, very personally. She usually cries and I end up apologising and taking back what I've said. So I tend to not bother now. The letter thing is a good idea because I'd probably be better placed to say things calmly rather than getting upset and cross.

Ahh Vivi, wrong type of midlander.

"It strikes me that the AIBU in this thread could be paraphrased as 'AIBU to wish my mother would make me the favourite instead of my undeserving brother'. it's not really about Christmas but way more than that, right?"

Hmmm, kind of...

I don't want to be "the favourite" I just don't want to be passed over in favour of a cunt, basically. You're right, it's not just about christmas. There's a lifetime of resentment simmering under the surface and it only really ever reaches boiling point at times when he is around.

Bupcakes I think you're doing the right thing. Invite your Mum for the morning (pointing out that fucknut will still be asleep) and/or maybe the evening after he has gone to see his mates? Or will she refuse that?

You know it's her fault though!

Yes, :o @ the prodigal son! That's what I call my DB!!!

snuff, when we had the "come in the morning" chat, she said "With your brother" I did mention that he didn't surface until midday and she said that she'd wake him up to come.

I'll never win. I just need to enjoy my day with DH and DS and my Marks and Spencers parsnips.

In the long term, I'd suggest you seek counselling/therapy. Maybe with your mum and/or brother, or maybe just for you. As maddening as other people's behaviour can be, you can't change them, but you can work on changing your own. And thinking differently about things can make a huge difference to how you deal with them and how happy you are.

In the short term, I think marais's idea is a good one ? go to your mum's briefly on Christmas morning for tea/fizz and a mince pie, nod in the direction of your brother's armchair, then get the hell out and have a nice day with your family.

Good luck!

Is it also possible that some of this tangle is about you not finding it easy to be the nasty one as much as your brother finds it too easy?

It sounds as though your mother uses guilt and a general air of vulnerability to manipulate you and to stop you saying anything she doesn't want to hear. But that only works if you really believe something terrible will happen if your mother cries. On the other hand if you know she's capable of turning on the waterworks to get her own way then that might help you stand up for your own needs and viewpoint.

I don't think I'd go round in the morning.

But that might just be the big ole sulky pants in me talking

Sorry, I agree- it is your mum's fault :(

There is some weird bond between some women and their sons. Can't say I understand it as no sons here. Both grandmothers were the same with their sons (my dad and uncles) and my mum is the same with my DB.

Pfft.

Bupcakes, would it work if when you asked your brother to do something, and your Mum started stepping in, that you would say loudly "No Mum, SIT DOWN. You have been ill. Db is perfectly happy to help"
Or have you tried that? My brother is also spoilt rotten by my mother, she pays his bills if he he gets in debt, he has never had a proper job because he's going to be a rock star and is very snidey at the idea of having a job to "fall back on" you get the idea. The only difference is that my brother would actually help out if invited for Christmas but his prince status drives me nuts!

I have four sons. I do adore them but would never treat them like princes. They are expected to pitch in and do their share. Sadly my little dd died but before she did, I had been determined that all mine would be treated equally regardless of gender. It's the only way.

chipmonkey :( you poor thing!

bupcakes my mum does this too! (I'm aware I'm veering into stalker territory but really, she does!)

You can't say ANYTHING to her...especially about her boys!

From your last post its clear you're banging your head against the proverbial with this one. At least now you know that everyone gets it and its not just you.

I love mums who bring their DS up to pitch in.

UnMumsnetty I know but ((chipmonkey)).

Well your DB sound like he's learned a few lessons from your DM! She puts on the waterworks to get her way with you, and I'll bet for years that it's worked. If that's her way of dealing with anything that upsets her I'll bet your DB from a very early age learned how to counter it.

Stay strong OP. Don't let her complain to you about her Christmas - just say 'You deliberately chose to have that sort of a Christmas so I really don't want to hear about how miserable it was'.