To want my mum to spend christmas with us and not my deadbeat brother?

[BupcakesandCunting]

I'm not sure whether I am asking whether AIBU really or just wanting to blow off steam...

Bit of backstory (the condensed version, if pressed I will expand on issues, not drip-feeding) my brother is a notoriously selfish and toxic arsehole. He lives in Brighton, my mum lives here in the Midlands close to us. He has done various things to upset mum, myself and others including leeching money from mum because he refuses to get a job, cajoled my step-gran into handing cash over to him to pay his rent (he is at uni, should say that he is 22 though, not 18) then point-blank refuses to answer the 'phone to her when she calls him to make sure he has handed teh rent money to his landlord, threatened to stab my uncle, cheated on several girlfriends then gone AWOL when caught out and left "suicide" messages to get attention... The latest thing is that my mum has been ill the last few weeks and despite everyone trying to get hold of him, he refuses to return calls/get in touch. He is alive and well and I know this because my cousin says he is on Facebook most days... So he has had no contact with my mum for four weeks, despite her being quite poorly.

Mum had been staying with us up until last thursday. I've cooked for her, washed her clothes, ran her to doctors/hospital/emergency doctors etc. I'm not complaining, I liked looking after her and miss her now she's gone back home. I've been checking on her to make sure she has everything she needs and have been taking her shopping in etc.

Now, I refuse to have my brother here for christmas. past experience has taught me that it is no good for my blood pressure. DH and I do all of the work whilst he sits on his arse with his face in his iPhone. Doesn't offer to help wash-up/lay table or anything. I don't want him here anyway, really as I just don't like him. He is coming back in a few weeks and I've told mum that she is very welcome, we would like her to be here with us if she likes, but he is not. He would be more than welcome at my ex stepdad's so it's not like he has nowhere to go. Mum says she can't leave him on christmas day. So she will cook dinner for the two of them, then he will leave her to wash-up and bugger off out with his mates.

I feel like I should be the one that gets to have her here at christmas. He won't even so much as offer to make her a cup of tea, much les have thought to get her a present or card. I feel like I deserve to have her here and he doesn't.

There I said it. I sound like a spoiled brat but it's how I feel :( Sorry that was LONG...

Toxic Sibling Corral? Sounds great - how can I get my brother in that place?

Another Midlander here with an impossible brother. Totally get it.

Where are you at with the dialogue with your mum on this, Bup? So you've invited her to yours making it clear he's not going to be invited too, and she's said that in that case she'll be having him at hers then? Does she fully appreciate your reasoning?

Not easy, then. But the same thing applies, honestly: she is choosing to have a crap day with your brother when an alternative exists. I would struggle to leave my child alone on Christmas day, especially if I felt he was an unpopular tit, and I was the only secure source of affection for him in the world, so I don't blame your mum for wanting to take care of him. That is her choice. You're an adult, with your choices. You've made a nice family of your own, and you should put them first, not keep going over old ground with your idiot brother. You're still making room for your mum and thinking of her - you just don't want to include her on any terms.

Could you and your family go to visit HER on Christmas morning? take some mince pies, have a drink together, maybe open the kids' presents there, exchange minimal pleasantries with your brother, and then bugger off home to your own life?

I come from a huge family (6 girls, 5 boys). The youngest is 25.

My mother would gladly take any one of her daughters and throw us under a bus if it in any way helped or pleased one of her sons.

IN fact, just this morning I'd a blazing row with her. My sister is in hospital having a (small) operation and my brother who is a selfish PRICK has her car and won't give it back. My dh took the day off to collect my children from school so I could drive her to the hospital in dad's car. She fucked me out of it because she asked what brother would do without a car and I dared, DARED to suggest a bus.

My point (I do have one) is, if it's anything like my family it doesn't matter how much you do for her, how much you call, visit, care about or think about, if you haven't got a penis then you don't matter as much.

If it's not like that then sorry as I've just waffled for nothing! ;)

bupcakes, its used to be like this in my family

but i tackled it with my mom over the course of a year, and really had it out with her. not fighting, but just, being really tenacious and explaining how she was constantly putting my brother first, even though he hadnt earned that right.

now my relationship with my parents is vastly vastly better. and funnily enough, once my parents treated me more fairly, i stopped feeling so mad at my brother. even though his behaviour hasnt changed.

i think for me it was always more about my parents than it was about my brother, but it took me a long while to see that, and to feel brave enough to actually ask them why they rewarded him, but punished me all the time. because, sometimes its better not to ask questions you might not like the answers to. but through talking to them about it, and not letting it all sort of slide back under the carpet type of thing, they started really thinking about how they behaved towards him, and comapring it, and seeing for themselves that it wasnt right.

it did take a long time, but whats that saying? when you know better, you do better. and my parents have

so there is hope!

Am new to mumsnet and this is actually my first post here, but i think you should let him come for your mother's sake. Keep a glass of water handy on that day though....to quickly fill your mouth with water and hold it there to combat hasty comments in lieu of counting to 10.

I agree with Laurie- I think you're mum is behaving rather shittily towards you

I'm sure she's really a lovely woman, but if she's refusing the options of at least spending an hour or two with your family alone (brotherless), than that's actually just being stubborn and a bit 'off'

Your mum not 'you're mum'

Yer mother

oh, and dont have him round

and when your mom makes any comments about their day, just tell her that she had a choice, and she made it, and you feel its unfair to make you feel guilty about something she has engineered for herself. and that of course, next year, it would be very nice if she choose to have a fun day with you guys, but if not, well, she knows what she has to look forward to!

Marie, I sent that text AFTER he'd threatened to stab my uncle. I think I was quite restrained, actually. If I would prefer NOT to have a sociopath in my house, I think that makes me sensible, rather than not a very nice person. But thanks for your lovely contribution...

Googie, you've just summed up how I feel. I've been rising above it for years, since we were kids, actually. "He's just smashed your toys up? Rise above it..." "He's been taken out to the sales on Boxing Day for more things because he's jealous of things that you've had? Rise above it..." Rising above it doesn't pay off IME. It makes you the mug. People must think I've been happy to put up with his crap because I've risen above it, thus far. They've misinterpreted that. I'm sick of being the bigger person. I want to act the spoiled brat for once.

I suppose that it is especially grating on me this year because I've done a lot of stuff for mum this year... she stayed here for weeks in February whilst her kitchen and bathroom were ripped out, I gave her spending money for holiday that I will never get back, looked after her whilst sick... and I'm not after thanks for anything in return. Just a bit of consideration.

I think GreenEyes has a point, to refuse to spend even an hour or two at yours is really not right. I can see how she wouldn't like to leave him alone for the entire day but a couple of hours to see her grandchildren?

Have you ever talked about this Bupcakes? maybe you should bring up greeneyes' point.

"Where are you at with the dialogue with your mum on this, Bup? So you've invited her to yours making it clear he's not going to be invited too, and she's said that in that case she'll be having him at hers then? Does she fully appreciate your reasoning?"

The last time it was mentioned it was the "With your brother..." conversation (when i suggested a morning visit) and I said no. She said "Oh I am DREADING christmas..." I just smiled and said that she knew she was very welcome here and that stood for the entire day, not just lunchtime.

GreeyEyes is right. I don't know why she can't do a couple of hours here, I really don't. She does not have to be glued to my brother for the entire bloody day.

newbie, there is only my brother and I so I don't know whether it's penis favouritism... it's difficult to tell. He DOES get excuses made for him because of his gender which riles me right up. He also gets the "Well, he didn't have his dad around" excuse made for him (mum kicked stepdad out when brother was 9) but I didn't have a dad livig with me either When I say this, mum says "Ah but you had ME" So girls only need mums and boys can only flourish with a dad, apparently...

Tell her straight it makes you feel like shit - then just get on with your Christmas . There is no solution to be honest except top stop ''sucking it up''

I ask.(him to help out) Mum rushes in and does the job for him. She always does. Can't have darling little twatbag lifting a finger, can we?
This is where the problem lies, your mum is enabling him to behave like a twat. He will do so as long as she lets him.
My mum let's my DB 'take take take' - it's the little prince syndrome. She moans about it but she continues to wait on him hand and foot.
Don't get me started...
Anyway, YANBU not to invite him, invite your mum without him and stand firm.
She doesn't need to cook his dinner, perhaps she wants to?
Therefore let her make her choice (even though it's not a good choice IYO)

Nice, well thought out answer Marie .

My mother is the same OP - I wish I had some something useful to say, but when I find a way of dealing with it without wanting to pull my own hair out, I'll let you know!

Sounds to me like its time you had an honest conversation with your mum about how you feel on the whole topic. Vaguely hinting won't work here

Ah no, I've told her. She told me she feels sorry for him. Her pity for him overrides any feelings towards me and DS.

I think you do have to suck it up. Well you don't. But I would. And do.

I have an incredibly times a million twatty BIL who throws punches and causes mayhem, creates rows and pulls all manner of attention seeking shite every Christmas (he's 38 with dc btw).

But we put up with it for my fabulous MIL (yes you heard right, a MNetter who loves her MIL).

Feel for you though, I really do. And yes would be great if she could come to you for a few hours.

Can you go round to your mums with your dc for a hour after lunch and then if your brother goes to the pub / with his mates you can bring your mum home for a nice tea and spend some nice time with her? Then you are not asking your mum to choose between you and your brother

Have you told your mum that one reason you don't want your brother round is because she treats him like a small child and won't let him help and muck in? Ask her why she won't let him grow up and suggest the relationship isn't good for either of them as she is keeping him dependant on her.
You could see if she woulod be willing to back off helping him this xmas if she comes to your house. If not then she can choose to spend xmas with her son if she wishes, she isn't a princess in need of rescuing from a dragon she's an adult who can choose where she spends xmas.

Your Mum knows your brother is a fecking PITA but she is chosing to embrace him anyway. YANBU to wish it were different, but she is not going to change. I think you just have to accept it- it is only one day, and you seem to have a good relationship the rest of the year. Maybe by next year he will have a girl friend and want to spend Christmas with her???

:( let her get on with it then :(

I can't abide mums who pander to their spoilt, twattish, selfish little princes.

I think I will just have to accept that she doesn't want to spend christmas with me.

I kind of already knew that, though. I think that I'm just feeling angry (my cheeks are burning hot with rage ) and wanted to write down how I feel.

Have you Elfed yourself yet? That'll cheer you up.

Ha ha I remember that from last year, Vivi! DS hijacked my laptop for about three hours, cackling his little head off

East Midlander or West Midlander, darling?

Bupcakes :(

I know, I am resigned to the fact that my spoilt brother is no. 1.
Don't let it spoil your Christmas. I let my DM get on with it, she comes to me when DB and his family are away with his wife's family.
I have always been independent, he has always 'needed' her to do things for him. I actually think she likes skivvying for him!!