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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my mum to spend christmas with us and not my deadbeat brother?

221 replies

BupcakesandCunting · 29/11/2011 10:57

I'm not sure whether I am asking whether AIBU really or just wanting to blow off steam...

Bit of backstory (the condensed version, if pressed I will expand on issues, not drip-feeding) my brother is a notoriously selfish and toxic arsehole. He lives in Brighton, my mum lives here in the Midlands close to us. He has done various things to upset mum, myself and others including leeching money from mum because he refuses to get a job, cajoled my step-gran into handing cash over to him to pay his rent (he is at uni, should say that he is 22 though, not 18) then point-blank refuses to answer the 'phone to her when she calls him to make sure he has handed teh rent money to his landlord, threatened to stab my uncle, cheated on several girlfriends then gone AWOL when caught out and left "suicide" messages to get attention... The latest thing is that my mum has been ill the last few weeks and despite everyone trying to get hold of him, he refuses to return calls/get in touch. He is alive and well and I know this because my cousin says he is on Facebook most days... So he has had no contact with my mum for four weeks, despite her being quite poorly.

Mum had been staying with us up until last thursday. I've cooked for her, washed her clothes, ran her to doctors/hospital/emergency doctors etc. I'm not complaining, I liked looking after her and miss her now she's gone back home. I've been checking on her to make sure she has everything she needs and have been taking her shopping in etc.

Now, I refuse to have my brother here for christmas. past experience has taught me that it is no good for my blood pressure. DH and I do all of the work whilst he sits on his arse with his face in his iPhone. Doesn't offer to help wash-up/lay table or anything. I don't want him here anyway, really as I just don't like him. He is coming back in a few weeks and I've told mum that she is very welcome, we would like her to be here with us if she likes, but he is not. He would be more than welcome at my ex stepdad's so it's not like he has nowhere to go. Mum says she can't leave him on christmas day. So she will cook dinner for the two of them, then he will leave her to wash-up and bugger off out with his mates.

I feel like I should be the one that gets to have her here at christmas. He won't even so much as offer to make her a cup of tea, much les have thought to get her a present or card. I feel like I deserve to have her here and he doesn't.

There I said it. I sound like a spoiled brat but it's how I feel :( Sorry that was LONG...

OP posts:
AFuckingFestiveKnackeredWoman · 29/11/2011 11:59

Can you square up to your brother and tell him to piss off to his dads? Or will he just tell you to fuck off?

Esta3GG · 29/11/2011 11:59

Rise above it - be the grown up - teach him how to behave by example.
Your mum is your priority - if she wants to be with her son on Xmas Day then you'll just have to lump it.
Crappy situation though and I do empathise - my best friend is married to a complete git. They come as a package though so if I want to have time with her I must tolerate him.

Original poster
BupcakesandCunting · 29/11/2011 12:00

"You are asking your mum to choose between her children"

I'm really not, though. I've not said any of this to her, just on here. I just feel like SHE should make that decision.

But yes, I suppose I wish that she would choose me. :(

OP posts:
PosiesOfPoinsettia · 29/11/2011 12:00

Then tell your mum she is to come and relax, you and your db want to take care of her and that she must let him!

Psammead · 29/11/2011 12:01

Oh don't invite him. He sounds like an arse.

I agree with the person who said to have your mum around on Christmas Eve and Boxing Day and Christmas Day once he has gone out.

SinicalSal · 29/11/2011 12:01

Could you ask your mum to step back and not rush in to take over your brothers chores? You could say you are trying to provide an example to your own kids.

Or, because, your mum's been ill, you could loudly insist she takes it easy this year, sitting down with Baileys in one hand and chocs in the other.

Psammead · 29/11/2011 12:02

Don't take her decision personally. She's just doing the mum thing, trying not to exclude her children. Any mum would do the same.

Original poster
BupcakesandCunting · 29/11/2011 12:02

"Can you square up to your brother and tell him to piss off to his dads? Or will he just tell you to fuck off?"

He will just point-blank refuse because he will want to do, and WILL do, whatever gives him the best day.

I asked him to last year but he knew he wouldn't be waited on at his dad's so he refused and hung around like a bad smell. No-one was actually talking to him last year and he knew how awkward it would make it, him being here but he still lumped himself on us because it suited him. If your presence was going to cause a stink, you'd make your excuses and stay away wouldn't you? Well, i would anyway.

OP posts:
CrotchFlakes · 29/11/2011 12:03

Can you get her to come to yours as soon as your useless brother has abandoned her gone out with his friends? How far away does she live? Can you fetch her or book a taxi?

Saltire · 29/11/2011 12:05

Bupcakes - I know exactly how you are feeling, you could be describing my brother. Except that my brother is 35. he lives at home, lounges around doing feck all, my mum and retired step dad keep him in drink money. he is a lazy selfish arsehole. She won't come and visit us unless he can come - if it was up to me he wouldn't get over the doorframe. She then expects DS2 to move out of his bed so DB2 can sleep there, becasue it wouldn't do for her darling son to sleep on an airbed.

and my mum thinks the sun shines out his arse and if DB1 and I dare to crticsie or complain we get the bollocking.
Right I am starting to rant, better stop
I'm on your sideGrin.

Original poster
BupcakesandCunting · 29/11/2011 12:05

She only lives 30 minutes away.

I did propose the evening thing (that she comes over alone for some tea) and she looked at me pointedly and said "With your brother..." as if to say "If I come, he comes." I said no then suggsted that maybe she could come on the morning to see DS open his presents and have some nibbles with us and she said no again unless HE could come. (stay calm stay calm) I said he wouldn't even surface until gone 12 midday so what's the problem?

OP posts:
Original poster
BupcakesandCunting · 29/11/2011 12:06

Thank you, Saltire! I think that only others with siblings like this can understand the frustration that we feel!

OP posts:
LittleJennyRobyn · 29/11/2011 12:07

I totally sympathise with you bupcakes.

The one and only thing i would love for christmas is to have my parents spend christmas day with us and thier only grandchildren, But cannot invite my parents because i simply cannot have my brother here in anway shape or form.

it would mean he is left on his own which as much as i dont like him and his behaviour, is not something i would be comfortable with...not that my mum would leave him alone on christmas day anyway. (he is 32)

I hate that his behaviour dictates the relationship we have with regards to visiting them, my daughter has never experienced a sleepover at nannies house Sad
They to make excuses for him...until the next time.

I simply just have to suck it up that i will never have them over for christmas.

NoMoreWasabi · 29/11/2011 12:07

It sounds like the real blocker to have him with you at Christmas is that your mother enables his behaviour (and thus annoyance of you) by not letting him doing anything to help on the day. Can't you raise this with her?

PosiesOfPoinsettia · 29/11/2011 12:09

I can understand Bups but it's not your feelings that make the difference, it's how your mother sees it.

DeWe · 29/11/2011 12:09

Gobblers. I suggest you put the children in charge of drinks. Then he either has to interact with them or can't get hammered. Wink Or maybe put sleeping pills in the first glass he takes?

Bupcakes, know exactly what you mean on "putting you first for once".
We had that where db was working on Christmas day so I invited dp to come as we can't fit in db as well. Dm felt she had to be around for db in case he decided he'd like them to come down in the evening. (he didn't) We don't see dp very often because of distance, db stays there a lot of weekends and it was the last Christmas he was likely to work, so it would have been a one off.

Original poster
BupcakesandCunting · 29/11/2011 12:10

You are a nice person, LittleJenny. I wouldn't give a crap about the little shite being all alone on Christmas day. I would get a nice christmassy glow from thinking of him forlornly watching the christmas StepToe and Son on his own with a Tesco Value mince pie and having to wedge a cracker in the door because he's got nobody to pull it with.

OP posts:
maraisfrance · 29/11/2011 12:11

Good advice from Hully. Rise above it. Not your problem. You see your mum plenty and have a good relationship with her: she does what she wants, and you do what you want. Everyone gets to enjoy the day in their own way.

LittleJennyRobyn · 29/11/2011 12:13

Sorry you just made me Grin

Original poster
BupcakesandCunting · 29/11/2011 12:15

That's the thing Marais...

I am also waiting for the inevitable post-day gult trip. I KNOW that mum will be saying how awful her day was, just the two of them. I KNOW I will be made to feel bad about my decision. If I really thought that she was going to have a spiffing day partying with my brother, I'd be really happy. But I know that she is choosing to have a shite day.

She IS a martyr, though...

OP posts:
pigletmania · 29/11/2011 12:16

I totally agree with you bupcakes he sounds like an utter nightmare, mabey your mum can spend part of the day with him and part with you.

MarieFromStMoritz · 29/11/2011 12:20

I invited him under duress but then text him saying that I would prefer it if he could make alternative arrangements and only come here as a last resort

Sorry to say this, but I don't think you are a very nice person. I actually feel very sorry for your DB and can understand why your DM wants to spend Christmas with him.

LaurieFairyCake · 29/11/2011 12:21

Ive got plenty of sympathy for you.

And I think your mums a martyred idiot. I'm blaming her for raising such a twat and still choosing him over you.

This isn't about your wanker brother but your enabling mum.

googietheegg · 29/11/2011 12:22

I soooo know where you are coming from with this bupcakes - I have both a brother and a SIL (on different sides of the family) who seem to be able to get away with doing exactly what they want precisely because people like me are told to 'rise above it'. Do you know what, I'm royally fucked off with 'rising above it' because what that actually means is I bite my tongue/just take their shite to keep the peace and they keep on doing what the fuck they like with no consequences.
I do think you are realising how much your mum is enabling your bro's behaviour, and this must be an extra level of pain when you're trying to make it nice for her, both at christmas and during the rest of the year.
All I can suggest is that you do not invite your bro, if your mum does the 'with your brother' thing again say 'you know why not mum, you just choose not to see it' and prepare yourself with a line you're happy to say when you get the inevitable comments in the new year.

LoonyRationalist · 29/11/2011 12:24

Is that not the solution then? Invite her over for Christmas morning to watch the children open their presents, with your brother. Lazy arse brother won't get up in time, mum comes alone & goes back to brother for lunch. When he abandons her later in the day call her & invite her over?

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