To want my mum to spend christmas with us and not my deadbeat brother?

[BupcakesandCunting]

I'm not sure whether I am asking whether AIBU really or just wanting to blow off steam...

Bit of backstory (the condensed version, if pressed I will expand on issues, not drip-feeding) my brother is a notoriously selfish and toxic arsehole. He lives in Brighton, my mum lives here in the Midlands close to us. He has done various things to upset mum, myself and others including leeching money from mum because he refuses to get a job, cajoled my step-gran into handing cash over to him to pay his rent (he is at uni, should say that he is 22 though, not 18) then point-blank refuses to answer the 'phone to her when she calls him to make sure he has handed teh rent money to his landlord, threatened to stab my uncle, cheated on several girlfriends then gone AWOL when caught out and left "suicide" messages to get attention... The latest thing is that my mum has been ill the last few weeks and despite everyone trying to get hold of him, he refuses to return calls/get in touch. He is alive and well and I know this because my cousin says he is on Facebook most days... So he has had no contact with my mum for four weeks, despite her being quite poorly.

Mum had been staying with us up until last thursday. I've cooked for her, washed her clothes, ran her to doctors/hospital/emergency doctors etc. I'm not complaining, I liked looking after her and miss her now she's gone back home. I've been checking on her to make sure she has everything she needs and have been taking her shopping in etc.

Now, I refuse to have my brother here for christmas. past experience has taught me that it is no good for my blood pressure. DH and I do all of the work whilst he sits on his arse with his face in his iPhone. Doesn't offer to help wash-up/lay table or anything. I don't want him here anyway, really as I just don't like him. He is coming back in a few weeks and I've told mum that she is very welcome, we would like her to be here with us if she likes, but he is not. He would be more than welcome at my ex stepdad's so it's not like he has nowhere to go. Mum says she can't leave him on christmas day. So she will cook dinner for the two of them, then he will leave her to wash-up and bugger off out with his mates.

I feel like I should be the one that gets to have her here at christmas. He won't even so much as offer to make her a cup of tea, much les have thought to get her a present or card. I feel like I deserve to have her here and he doesn't.

There I said it. I sound like a spoiled brat but it's how I feel :( Sorry that was LONG...

You don't sound spoiled.

I live 3 minutes from my dad and sm. I take in shopping, bring in their washing, cook for them every week.
But my sisters who see them a few times a month get more praise, Their kids are showered with affection when they go over ect

Its not done on purpose, I'm just always there, the steady reliable one, im used to it, doesn't make it right but that's the way it is

I think you'd have to be a saint not to ever get rattled by it thoug, KnackeredWoman. I don't know if you do or not but I do.

The payback for being a "nice child" is that you have a good relationship with your lovely mum. You get so much more out of your relationship with her than your brother does. That's the payback.

And you get to have a lovely restful Christmas day with your family. DON'T invite him, it's not going to work, is it?

Invite your mum for C.Eve, for Boxing Day, make sure she knows she can turn up at any time on C.Day (once your bro has buggered off).

Oooh, log cabins.

Trouble is, when you find it, it'll be really crowded with half of MN inside ...

Oh i do get very rattled at times! But mostly i rant to my poor dh about it so not to upset the apple cart as it were.
I came to the conclusion that despite all that i still wanted them in mine and my kids lives.
There's no malice in them, i don't even think they know they are treating me different.

Op, you, your Mum and your brother are all adults and capable of making adult decisions.
You have decided you will not be inviting your brother to christmas dinner. Your Mum has decided that she will not be taking up your invitation.

Nothing more to say, really.

Thanks for that unnecessary summary, wordfactory.

I totally get it YANBU at all.

My brother is a first class wanker, strangely we also live in the midlands,

Anyhoo, I have actually invited the twat, he informed me that he would come but wasn't prepared to do anything to help and could I make sure I kept the kids away form him as he wanted nothing to do with them and planned to just sit in the corner and get hammered .

I un-invited him and now Mum is saying she should really spend the day with him.

I get what people are saying about not wanting to leave your son alone on Christmas day, but I really think I would if my ds turned out to be such a massive cock.

Shit situation, your mother loves him and probably remembers the lovely boy he used to be. She possibly blames herself for his behaviour, I would.

Perhaps you'll have to rethink.

Totally see your POV bups.

Oh Gobblers, what an arse your brother sounds. Well done for being the bigger person and inviting him at all though!

Perhaps we could round up all of the toxic siblings that none of us actually want at our christmas tables and they can all spend christmas together.

I would also be upset in your shoes, but, he is only 22, obviously still immature. Some people take longer to grow up than others.

Your mum has been ill. For her sake I would try and have a happy Xmas and not exclude him.

I feel for you but you can't have the Christmas you want. Your mum and brother come as a package and you surely can't blame your mum for that, so teh simple question is do you want your mum there more than you don't want your brother?

He will never grow up. It's not just immaturity, I genuinely think that he is just Not A Very Nice Person.

I was a bit of a problem teenager but still had basic respect for my mum, he never has, sadly.

bupcakes my point was that you and your DB are not children and so should stop behaving as such.

You have invited your Mum. She has politely declined. Foot stamping about things not going your way is pointless and silly.

Save your energy and enjoy your Christmas.

I think wordfactory hit the nail on the head actually.

Your mother is thoroughly familiar with the situation and is an adult capable of making her own decisions. OP does not like the decision she has made in this case, and though it is NBU to wish it was otherwise, it is not something that she can influence further as her mother's outlook and priorities are just not the same.

For all the toxic siblings, I offer you the TeenagerBarrel(tm). Strictly speaking this is, as the name suggests, just for teenagers, but for these nasty man-children I could stretch a point.

The basic premise of the TeenagerBarrel(tm) is that you put the child into the barrel as he hits either teenage years or teenage behaviour (whichever happens soonest). You nail down the lid, and feed him through the bunghole, then, when he is 18, if he has transformed into a decent and civilised member of society, you let him out of the barrel. If not, you drive home the bung. This could easily be applied to bupcakes' and Gobblers' toxic brothers.

"teh simple question is do you want your mum there more than you don't want your brother?"

See, this is where I sound like a spoiled brat...

I don't think I should be made to choose. I feel like my mum should put me first for once. I do. I think that she should think "My daughter has been there for me, unfailingly. DS doesn't give a shit about me for the rest of the year so he can make his own arrangements whilst I enjoy a day with the people that actually care for me."

Bup, perhaps accept how is and get through it for your mum. I would suggest giving him jobs, he'll have tobe very rude to not lay the table if you ask.

I totally sympathise. My sister is the female equivelant of your brother, she's just awful and makes my blood boil. But i am inviting her to spend xmas with us because i know that will make my mum happy, all she wants is to be able to spend xmas with both her children together and I want to give her that. I will have private moments of seething rage but I will try to put on a happy face for my mum because its only once a year and she deserves it. If you choose any of the other options its totally understandable but will probably make your mum sad and by the sounds of it thats not what you want.

What would happen if you actually said that to your mum, bupcakes?

STDG, off to the Dragon's Den you go with your barrel

It's faaaaaaaaaamily though init?

It's all very well to say you should just step back and accept others decisions, not quite so easily done when they are you and yours.

You are asking your mum to choose between her children,

"I would suggest giving him jobs, he'll have tobe very rude to not lay the table if you ask."

I ask. Mum rushes in and does the job for him. She always does. Can't have darling little twatbag lifting a finger, can we?

STDG, if I said that to my mum she would cry. In her heart of hearts I know she wants to spend the day here with us. Duty and guilt tells her that she must stay with my brother.