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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want my mum to spend christmas with us and not my deadbeat brother?

221 replies

BupcakesandCunting · 29/11/2011 10:57

I'm not sure whether I am asking whether AIBU really or just wanting to blow off steam...

Bit of backstory (the condensed version, if pressed I will expand on issues, not drip-feeding) my brother is a notoriously selfish and toxic arsehole. He lives in Brighton, my mum lives here in the Midlands close to us. He has done various things to upset mum, myself and others including leeching money from mum because he refuses to get a job, cajoled my step-gran into handing cash over to him to pay his rent (he is at uni, should say that he is 22 though, not 18) then point-blank refuses to answer the 'phone to her when she calls him to make sure he has handed teh rent money to his landlord, threatened to stab my uncle, cheated on several girlfriends then gone AWOL when caught out and left "suicide" messages to get attention... The latest thing is that my mum has been ill the last few weeks and despite everyone trying to get hold of him, he refuses to return calls/get in touch. He is alive and well and I know this because my cousin says he is on Facebook most days... So he has had no contact with my mum for four weeks, despite her being quite poorly.

Mum had been staying with us up until last thursday. I've cooked for her, washed her clothes, ran her to doctors/hospital/emergency doctors etc. I'm not complaining, I liked looking after her and miss her now she's gone back home. I've been checking on her to make sure she has everything she needs and have been taking her shopping in etc.

Now, I refuse to have my brother here for christmas. past experience has taught me that it is no good for my blood pressure. DH and I do all of the work whilst he sits on his arse with his face in his iPhone. Doesn't offer to help wash-up/lay table or anything. I don't want him here anyway, really as I just don't like him. He is coming back in a few weeks and I've told mum that she is very welcome, we would like her to be here with us if she likes, but he is not. He would be more than welcome at my ex stepdad's so it's not like he has nowhere to go. Mum says she can't leave him on christmas day. So she will cook dinner for the two of them, then he will leave her to wash-up and bugger off out with his mates.

I feel like I should be the one that gets to have her here at christmas. He won't even so much as offer to make her a cup of tea, much les have thought to get her a present or card. I feel like I deserve to have her here and he doesn't.

There I said it. I sound like a spoiled brat but it's how I feel :( Sorry that was LONG...

OP posts:
OldMumsy · 29/11/2011 14:36

I think BupCakes that you have to leave your Mum and your brother to get on with it. Don't let the perceived 2nd class status you feel you have from your Mum define you. Get angry and arsy too, don't be a bloody doormat. Stand your ground, tell her you are happy to see her but you cannot cope with your brothers behaviour and you have to think of your own family now, so it's not just your sacrifice, it's the whole family she is proposing to sacrifice to his obnoxious behaviour. Don't forget you are a Mum too and you can put your kids and DH first, I am sure she will understand that line of reasoning. May give her pause for thought too.

LizzieMo · 29/11/2011 14:40

It sounds from your posts that your Mum is equally as manipulative to you as your Bro is to her. Turning on the water works every time you try to tell her how you feel. I think you need to stop her behaving like this. Maybe be a bit distant for a while, make it clear that you are not happy with her treating you like this, and that you will not tolerate being second best child any more. Then just ignore her. If she is then stuck with just PITA bro, she may well come to finally appreciate you. Sounds a bit drastic on your part, but I think if you don't do it, you will probably end up having the row of all rows with them anyway, and that is harder to come back from IMO.

tardisjumper · 29/11/2011 14:43

I don't understand why people have to muck in if they come to your house, and then you complain if they don't offer to help.

You need to be more upfront about your requirements, or lower them.

Some people take it as a personal slight if a guest turns up and tries to help!

KittyFane · 29/11/2011 14:43

OldMumsy fab post! :)

PosiesOfPoinsettia · 29/11/2011 14:57

Have a happy Christmas without them. Just enjoy the people that give as much backSmile

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 29/11/2011 15:45

When 2rebecca posted that maybe by next Christmas twatbrother will have a girlfriend and will want to spend christmas with her, my first thought was that it was a bit mean to wish this arsewipe onto some other poor woman - but then I realised that there must be some equally toxic sisters around, and maybe what we actually need (rather than the toxic siblings corral, or the modified teenagerbarrel(tm)) is the Toxic Siblings Dating Agency - so we can pair them all up with people as entitled and toxic as them.

Either the experience will be enlightening in a road to Damascus kind of way, and they will reform, or at worst they will stay the same and will just inflict their toxicity on eachother.

DeckTheHugeWithBoughsOfManatee · 29/11/2011 15:49

SDTG The problem with that, though, is that eventually they'll reproduce and generate a brood of offspring as toxic, entitled and snotty as they are.

It's the Great Circle of Me Me Me Hmm

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 29/11/2011 16:04

You are much wiser than me, OTH.

Get0rf · 29/11/2011 17:13

Aww buppy. This is very sad.

You come across on MN as a really lovely person, so I do feel for you as you are so upset and angry about this.

But - I agree with others who say that it is not about your brother, it's your mum. She is enabling this. As much as she runs about and puts him first, it is because she wants to, she is not forced to. I think it is quite a common thing that some mothers of sons worship their sons and are quite disregarding of their daughters.

Also, I hate to say this, but she probably relishes all the attention. You say that this kind of thing happens every year, there is a reason for that imo. You mum probably really likes the fact that you are 'fighting' over her. Your last post is very telling - you can't actually have an adult conversation with her about it as she turns the tap on, weeps and wails and makes it about her, and doesn't acknowledge how hurt you are feeling. She sounds like a professional victim.

If I were you I would just leave it this year. You have invited her, she doesn't want to come without your brother, you and your DH don't want him there, so just say FINE, and let her stay at home. This is what she is repeatedly telling you waht she wants, and she knows that it is upsetting you and you will tie yourself in knots trying to find the best solution for your mum. I would call her bluff and just let her do what she is telling you she wants to do.

I am sorry though. It must be very hurtful.

DeckTheHugeWithBoughsOfManatee · 29/11/2011 17:25

What GetOrf said. You've invited her for Christmas, you've said you don't want your brother there, she's said she doesn't want to leave your brother alone. So be it - she can spend the day with your brother.

If she has a crappy afternoon nursing one warm Stella while her princeling rummages in the freezer having forgotten to get any food in, it's not your problem - she raised him to be this selfish, and if she wants to have a crap day enduring his stunted hospitality then she's welcome to it.

On no account let her make you feel guilty for this situation she has created.

BupcakesandCunting · 29/11/2011 18:02

She is here now and has been talking about christmas day...

We were in the car on the way to pick DS up from school and she said "I might ask your uncle if we can go there" (This is the uncle that my brother threatened to stab Hmm) and I said "He won't want my brother there, will he?" and mum looked all affronted and said "Why not?!" I said because my uncle doesn't like him. Mum said "Don't say that! They were speaking last time they saw each other" I said there's a difference between my uncle speaking to him for five minutes to keep the peace and having to chew his lip in his own house at christmas...

I asked why she felt it necessary to ask to go my uncles and she said "It's boring and depressing, just the two of us. I won't ask him really so it'll have to be the two of us...unless YOU want us (mirthless laugh)" I said "YOU are welcome any time, you know that. He is not."

I mean what the actual fuck?

Thank you for your words, Getorf. Yy to professional victim, that is definitely true. I am going to do what you and others have said to do and let her martyr herself. She has chosen this day for herself.

Manatee, he will be at mums not vice versa! Am actually amused at the thougt of him trying to arrange a festive dinner! Do they do a turkey Pot Noodle?! Grin

OP posts:
scruffybird · 29/11/2011 18:02

As parents we go to the child who needs us most, this is what your mum is doing. She knows you have your family around you on Christmas day. I also don't think he even considers to offer to help when he has been invited and is the guest.

BupcakesandCunting · 29/11/2011 18:07

scruffy, he has NEVER offered to help on christmas day or any other. Would you really just sit there on your arse if you could see everyone else doing stuff as well as paying for the food and drink that you will be shoving into your ungrateful blowhole? Well, you would if you're a complete arsehole, I suppose. I've never been to someone else's home for dinner and not offered to help in some way. Plus, he is not a "guest". A guest is a person who has been invited because I enjoy their company.

Yes I suppose he DOES need her more than I do. He needs someone to wait on him and be his lapdog. I don't.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/11/2011 19:20

I too know what you're going through, Bupcakes. There's really no way around it. Your mother knows what he's like and is relying on you as the 'nice child' to do the 'right' thing. I have exactly the same scenario every year although it seems it's just Christmas Day that is the sticking point for my mum.

She will hang around at her house, waiting for my errant brothers to drop in on a whim, when she's always had an invitation here. She won't take it up because she's waiting and can't leave brothers home alone even though they don't live there... she stll has to be the mother hen of the nest... :(

She's pandering to the mean child because you (and I and goodness knows how many others) will keep the peace.

Don't mention the invite again and let her do as she likes with your brother but not at your home. She knows full well how you feel but is overriding your feelings an that's not nice. Withdraw the invite if you've made it and if she asks - tell her e-x-a-c-t-l-y why... your mum has no problem doing that to you.

You need only stand up for yourself once.... and that will be that! Don't feel guilty - your mother doesn't. Take her out in the January sales or anywhere you can take her without her 'clingon'.

WhiteTrash · 29/11/2011 19:57

I was on the bus in Brighton earlier and it stopped at Brighton and Sussex uni, loads of students got on and this thread popped into my head. I wondered if one of them was the deadbead. Wink Grin

alwaysme · 29/11/2011 20:11

What's that song? "My lovely, lovely Brother?"

And, or course the "A mother's love is unconditional" Boy, has my mother proved that to be true!

Growing up my brother never had to lift a finger, I mean it's girls that have to learn housework. I am going back more than 50 years. He is 60 now, I'm 2 years older.

He was spoilt rotten couldn't do a thing wrong. I apparently did everything wrong. By 16 he was off the rails and by 17 in Borstal as it was called then.

He is 60 now and still lives with my parents and has never married, he has made their lives a misery but my mum will forever make excuses for him. He is an alcoholic with all the grief that brings. He has smashed doors and God knows what else over the years in their house, verbally abused then and reduced my mum to tears. Still she won't hear a word against him and my dad puts up with it so as not to upset mum more.

If ever we were going out as a family for a meal, mum would insist he came too. Every single occasion would be wrecked by his drunken behaviour but still she would want him to come the next time. My 50th he was as drunk as a lord and wouldn't let the waitress clear the table, HE took the plates out to the kitchen!!! I suppose at least I can't accuse him of not lifting a finger!!

Christmas he used to come here because my mum was so upset about the thought of him on his own. The ironic thing is he wanted to be on his own at home where he could drink himself senseless. Instead he would sit out here working his way through every bit of alcohol in the house. At least now he has done exactly that for years and mum accepts it, stayed at home.

His finest hour was my Mum and Dad's Diamond Wedding. When mum got married, she was a refugee in Austria living in a refugee camp. Her family had nothing, women in the camp made her wedding dress from a parachute. She went to her wedding in the back of a Army Landrover on dusty roads. The priest that married them was falling down drunk and had to be held up by someone else.

So we booked them into a Castle (mum loves historical!) where they would stay the night. Had them picked up in a Rolls Royce, organised a meal fit for a Queen. In other words everything they never had first time round.

My brother swore he would stay sober, I pleaded with him, just a couple of hours for the meal. Mum and dad had already spent the day there when we arrived for the meal, we were ushered into a room where we had our own bar and waiter where we were to wait for mum and dad to appear. I walked in the door and there was my brother, drunk as hell, drinking beer and whisky chasers. It was downhill from then, I ended up dragging him out of the meal, he was effing and blinding and when I got him outside I let him have years of pent up exactly what I thought of him. God knows what I said, I can't remember, but I reduced him to tears.

Dad said that's it, he's out. We picked them up the next morning and mum had obviously spent most of the night in tears. I haven't spoken to him since and that was 2 years ago. Mum is still waiting on him hand and foot. Mum is 80 now, dad is 86 and one thing I can tell you, it will never change Bupcakes.

BupcakesandCunting · 29/11/2011 20:42

alwaysme that is awful. Really sorry for you, honestly. What a shit, especially now that your parents are elderly. You sound lovely, what you did for their anniversary was thoughtful and loving, shame that the daft twat ruined it. I totally understand why you don't speak to your brother any more. It really is the only way to sanity. :)

Lying I have resolved now to let her get on with it. She's just tried to guilt-trip me by saying "What are you buying for dinner for christmas day?" I said I'd quite like to try a three-bird roast from M&S. She said "I'll probably just get a chicken. A turkey will be too much for two..." I said "Nah, I saw a little turkey in Asda last week, £9. You'll have some for sandwiches for after. I love turkey sandwiches I do..." Grin

WhiteTrash was one of them dressed like Noel Fielding after residing in a skip for a month and posturing like a Primark pete Doherty? If so, that was probably the deadbeat. Wink

OP posts:
alwaysme · 29/11/2011 21:02

Thanks, Bupcakes :)

It is hard but I guess I've learnt to live with it. Mum never gives up trying though, she will say your brother did this, or he did that. You know the odd nice thing for a change. But, it's too little too late as far as I am concerned.

The sad thing is she named him after her brother who was killed in Russia during the war. Her brother had been a Master Carpenter and my brother seemed to have inherited the skill but it has been totally wasted. I just feel sad for my mum, she can't give up on him but gets nothing in return.

Get0rf · 29/11/2011 21:17

Oh alwaysme what your mother must have seen and endured as such a young girl Sad.

plainwhitet · 29/11/2011 21:37

Bupcakes I have read most of this thread and I really feel for you. Don't invite him. But on one of the threads I saw he probably won't get up till midday. Howabout, you ask your mother over for christmas day breakfast, telling db to phone when he is up and about.
Then send your mother off to him with food you have prepared, all nice in a red riding hood type basket.
then when he pushes off with his mates for a drink later on, back your mother can come.
You get her most of the day; you help her because she has been ill; you don't have to have db; she assuages any guilt she feels at leaving her ds alone on Christmas day.
Perfect ... assuming you are all in driving distance.

mumeeee · 29/11/2011 21:48

I would also do the same in your Mum's position. DD2 soon to be 22 is at uni and I wouldn't let her be alone. As it happens she'll be here with all of us. She is quite good at not realising there's stuff to be done unless she is asked.

BupcakesandCunting · 29/11/2011 21:52

alwaysme your mum sounds like my mum in that they both had traumatic childhoods (mine to a much lesser extent than yours) and I think that this can make them want to always make things "right" somehow, even if right isn't right IYSWIM? My mum wants things to be right in the here and now so much that she fails to think long-term ergo the tough love approach is not something she'd ever consider. So the need to make things "right" in the short-term i.e glossing over stuff in order to have a meal out/christmas day/birthdays just creates a chain of shit events at the hands of the wanker brothers, linked by gatherings where we are all smiling falsely and pretending that our brothers aren't utter tossers.

If that makes sense?

Your poor mum, though. :(

OP posts:
Get0rf · 29/11/2011 21:59

Oh that sounds familiar buppy. And I think that you are right - it may sound very armchair psychology, but when someone has been through so much turmoil in their life, it is understandable that they will do all they can in order not to have any conflict in their adult lives. So I can understand that your mum wouldn't want to be the cause of any hardship in her own son's life, and will bend over backwards to make his life easy, even if it is to his detriment.

I am sorry that I called your mum a professional victim btw - that sounded very harsh, especially in light of her having a traumatic upbringing. I think though that behaviours are wired into people and it is very difficult to make changes. That said - I totally agree with you putting your foot down for once. You deserve to have a break and not perpetuate the clenched-teeth family get togethers into the next generation.

It's sad though - your mum probably wants a perfect christmas, like in the movies, but this is going to be near enough impossible to achieve.

I always get a bit maudlin at this time of year - I have very little family, and nobody really close (apart from my brother who is in america) as I cut most of the nutcases off years ago. I then try to overcompensate by whirling around in a nigella lawson perfectionathon, and probably driving my dp and dd potty.

alwaysme · 29/11/2011 22:12

GetOrf and Bupcakes. Yes, my poor mum had an awful time during a nd after the war. Her family lived in Yugoslavia, had a huge house, vineyards etc., Their ancesters had originated in Germany some 300 years previously so they were driven from their home by Partisans along with all their neighbours. They were driven through a minefield where she saw a lot of her friends killed, she was 13 at the time.

They walked to leave Yugoslavia and to get to Austria, the only food they had was what they could beg along the way. In Austria they ended up in a Russian refugee camp, where they were starved. At night the mothers would dress their daughters up like old ladies to try to protect them from the Russian soldiers, but it rarely worked. Can't say anymore than that.

One act of kindness though, my mother stood outside the railings of the Russian cook house and a soldier threw a loaf of bread to her. She ran back and it was shared by so many.

They escaped one night when it was really dark. the Russians would not let them leave voluntarily. They walked for weeks and ended up in a British Red Cross Camp. Mum still crys if she ever speaks of it, they were welcomed with blankets and she says about this huge urn of tea, into which the Red Cross workers poured tins of condensed milk. Says she has never had such a special cup of tea since.

She was 13 when she left Yugoslavia and she was 15 when she arrived at this camp. I only know a fraction of what she suffered. My dad worked for the Red Cross after leaving the Merchant Navy, they married when she was 16 and dad 21. Her father allowed it because he had nothing left to give her a good life. This was 1947.

GreenEyesandNiceHam · 29/11/2011 22:15

alwaysme what a story they have. Such a shame about your brother Sad

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