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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want DP to go on this stag do?

268 replies

thatspanishgirl · 25/11/2011 09:02

Just need some outside opinions, please.

DP's best friend is getting married and they've decided to have a holiday instead of the normal night down the bar. This is sort of a tradition with their group of friends - any time one gets married they all take a 3 or 4 day break to Spain or somewhere similar. I've never had a problem with this - DP works hard and deserves a few days away.

But, DP's BF has decided that 4 days isn't long enough obviously and they need to go away for two weeks! I'm not happy with this as the holiday will be at the end of January - when, praying all is well, we will have a 4 week old baby.

DP doesn't see this as a problem as he will be here for the birth, the first couple of weeks and "after all, they don't really do much at that age, do they?" Well no maybe they don't but I would still like him here, with us, spending our first couple of months as a family.

Added to this, they're going to Turkey this year so if anything was to go wrong then he'd be a 5 and a half hour flight away. Of course he reckons this isn't a problem and he can get home asap if needed.

What do you think?

OP posts:
Hatwoman · 25/11/2011 14:11

agree with just about everything - but I wanted to add some more weight to the annual leave argument. It's effectively using up FOUR weeks, not two. what I mean is that if it's reasonable for him to go away for two weeks (which it's not, but for the sake of argument let's just say it is) then it's only fair that you also get a two week baby-less holiday - and he would need to take 2 weeks annual leave to cover it. tbh I think this is actually quite a strong argument - and one that will help him realise how ridiculous and unreasonable he's being. He cannot possibly argue that it's ok for him to go away for 2 weeks and not you - he'll start to feel like a right (sexist) idiot if he tries - and leaving you one week's leave as a family (including Christmas) is surely something he'll realise is, in the first year of baby's life, frankly awful - all round.

Maryz · 25/11/2011 14:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyBeagleEyes · 25/11/2011 14:12

Oh, and sorry I didn't mention it before, but congratulations on your pregnancy after trying for four years.

Hatwoman · 25/11/2011 14:17

and you can tell your dh that mners are a robust lot - and that posts about holidays, stag do's etc generally get a mix of replies - and I'd say on balance the overall view seems to be that the woman needs to claim equal rights and, quite often, chill out a bit. I don't think i've ever seen such unanimity on a stag do/holiday/blokes games type thread.

rainbow2000 · 25/11/2011 14:21

I would get a hold of the other wives and see if they are as unhappy about it as you are.If they feel the same they will have to back down.Or another scenerio move in with your parents weeks before teh baby is due and get pampered and looked after,and let him see if he likes being on his own.

Hecubasdaughter · 25/11/2011 14:26

I've just mentioned the 2 week stag do to DH without the bit about a new baby. His reaction was 2 week stag do WTF!

blackeyedsusan · 25/11/2011 14:26

wow, how unbelievingly selfish he is. I really hope he gets on with the groom because the way he is going he is going to have to move in with his bf as his relationship is unlikely to survive such selfishness. I bet it continues after the holiday too, with nights out/weekends away that are not reciprocated.

so he has not considered
late arrival of baby
ecs
episiotomy with infected stitches
post partum haemorrhage
pnd

I was sent to bed for the first 4 weeks I was home from hospital after pph and heavy bleeding and infected stitches. I was not even supposed to get up to make myself lunch (but had to as dh refused to make it before he went to work)

dd fed about 20 times a day and had a terrible reaction to the antibiotics I was on and screamed all night, twice.

if you have ecs who is going to be on hand to drive you and dc to the dr /hospital if you need to go?

thenightsky · 25/11/2011 14:32

This reminds me of that thread the other year, where some twerp of a DH was planning to fly to India to pick up a motorbike and ride home via Iraq Shock taking 2 months to do so, and leaving the Mumsnetter in question at home with a 3 under 5s or something, including a 4 month old baby.

I think that one ended in divorce.

thenightsky · 25/11/2011 14:37

This one ... here

And the follow up... here

runningwilde · 25/11/2011 14:47

He is being a selfish jerk

Tell him no way

He needsto grow the fuck up!

PopcornMouse · 25/11/2011 14:59
Shock
RunsWithScissors · 25/11/2011 15:03

Another one who was overdue here:
-16 days overdue

  • EMCS, I recovered really well except for high bp
  • DC was put into NICU for two days, then on iv antibiotics, meaning we had to stay in hospital until they could find out if she had an infection/mess had run their course.

= the day your DH would be leaving would have been my first day home with a newborn.

You are so nbu!!!!

ceebie · 25/11/2011 15:12

Spanishgirl, although my DD's birth was without complications and she was healthy, and the task of physically looking after her was fine, I can't tell you how much I relied on DH for support - I found the whole responsibility nad change to our lives almost overwhelming, and although I desperately loved her and am usually a confident person, I questioned whether I was doing the right things, I was exhausted at times, and even wondered whether I was fit to be a mother! Of course I found my feet a few weeks in, but please don't underestimate how important it is for you both to be there to support each other. I am expecting #2 and won't be letting DH go to a stag do in Spain 1 month after the birth - my poor DH!

SnapesMistress · 25/11/2011 15:14

YA so NBU

He is a twat.

planetpotty · 25/11/2011 15:15

If DH had suggested this I would have had a lovely new pair of bollock shaped earingsWink

YANBU
4 days Smile
1 week Confused
2 week Shock BiscuitAngrySad

Put it in man language to him "two weeks is taking the piss, just go for four days"

Sloobreeus · 25/11/2011 15:17

YANBU. What happens if the baby is, say two weeks late? What if you have to have a CS for example. Not trying to scare you but there are many possibilities. It's the wrong time to go. No, babies may not do much but they can be demanding especially at night and, for example, cry a great deal. You might just want some help with that i.e. DH taking the baby out in the pram so you can have a sleep, holding the baby so you can have a shower and he might even be able to make a meal while you rest or while you are feeding the baby. If he must go, why does he not join the others for a few days? Two weeks is out of order. When your babe is older will your DH mind if you announce you are going on a two week holiday with your friends?

Maryz · 25/11/2011 15:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sheeplikessleep · 25/11/2011 15:23

maybe he has suggested two weeks, with the full intention of only ever going for a few days, so a few days is the 'compromise'. is this possible op? sorry if this has been suggested before, haven't read all of thread.

Shutupanddrive · 25/11/2011 15:25

YANBU! In any way at all Shock

Get0rf · 25/11/2011 15:28

I think that if my partner went on a 2 week piss up when we had a newborn, it would mark the death knell in our relationship. I just wouldn't be able to comprehend why someone would want to be so selfish, for all the reasons (the baby, the health of the mother, the mother needing support, the money, the use of annual leave) as laid out above.

I think the OP's partner is very young and/or incredibly spoilt and indulged by his parents.

I don't know a rational man who would even contemplate asking this.

AutumnFalls · 25/11/2011 15:29

Okay, I only got to page 5 before I HAD to post.

My DH has a sporting hobby that he loves and adores. I do not participate, but I support him. When our DC1 was 3 weeks old,. the biggest event in this sport was on- and it is a 9 day event. We did not have to travel, DH always takes time off work for this holiday. I said, - aiming to be SuperWife- that of COURSE it should be business as usual and he should contiue to participate in this event.

It meant that I had DC1 all the time. DH was out of the house at 6 am,, then back about 11 pm, and I would also do the nightfeeds alone as he needed to rest.

I said yes to it- I signed up for it. All DH's friends thought i was bloody fantastic. I thought it would be 'easy'. It was horrible.

  1. I ended up resenting DH for continuining on with his life, and me being little wifey stick at home
  2. I was quite ill after the birth- anaemia and all tthat so I was very tired and really struggling to get thru each day
  3. It really interrupted DH;s bonding , and I am not sure if time was ever really made up
  4. i was fucking suicidal by Day 4. I had no family near by. I was drinking vodka and counting out paracetamol, really.
  5. DH never, and has never, understood what a big thing it was, and I never got the - to be frank - appreciation for cushioning him from the reality of a newborn
  6. Also to be frank, I have never really forgiven him for just not realising- at least half way through that I was not coping.

2 weeks is fucking nuts.

eurochick · 25/11/2011 15:39

How does his employer feel about this? Assuming (and I realise that given he sounds like a selfish @rse this is assuming a lot) that he plans to take a couple of weeks' paternity leave when the baby arrives, he could end up taking a full month off work. Even if the baby arrives on the due date (unlikely), he would be taking off 4 weeks out of 6. I doubt most employers would be over the moon about that.

Get0rf · 25/11/2011 15:41

euro it seems from what the OP has written he works for daddy.

So perhaps normal employment concerns do not apply in this case (hence my presumption that he is an indulged twat)

flyingspaghettimonster · 25/11/2011 15:44

YANBU - stag/hen do's are a crazy waste of money and time and a cry of 'look at me, I'm so special!' from the stag/hen... pathetic. I've never wasted any of my life or money going to one.

cakeismysaviour · 25/11/2011 15:53

I think you need to put your foot down on this and say no. I can't believe he could actually leave you and the baby for two whole weeks! I am generally very laid back but I would not stand for this.

Have asked DP for a male point of view on this and he says that the groom-to-be is being very unreasonable, firstly for having a TWO WEEK stag, and secondly for expecting your DP to leave his newborn at that time. DP's verdict is that the groom-to-be is a prat of the highest order and your DP needs to "grow a pair" and tell his friend that he won't be going!

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