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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want DP to go on this stag do?

268 replies

thatspanishgirl · 25/11/2011 09:02

Just need some outside opinions, please.

DP's best friend is getting married and they've decided to have a holiday instead of the normal night down the bar. This is sort of a tradition with their group of friends - any time one gets married they all take a 3 or 4 day break to Spain or somewhere similar. I've never had a problem with this - DP works hard and deserves a few days away.

But, DP's BF has decided that 4 days isn't long enough obviously and they need to go away for two weeks! I'm not happy with this as the holiday will be at the end of January - when, praying all is well, we will have a 4 week old baby.

DP doesn't see this as a problem as he will be here for the birth, the first couple of weeks and "after all, they don't really do much at that age, do they?" Well no maybe they don't but I would still like him here, with us, spending our first couple of months as a family.

Added to this, they're going to Turkey this year so if anything was to go wrong then he'd be a 5 and a half hour flight away. Of course he reckons this isn't a problem and he can get home asap if needed.

What do you think?

OP posts:
WoTmania · 25/11/2011 21:37

Blimey, well, at least he's taken everything into account and isn't going for the two weeks (eseriously, two weeks? Hmm.)
I would get DP onside when it comes to dealing with FIL in futre too TBH as he sound like he's the type who will try and interefere in a 'jokey' way once the baby has arrived by trying to get DP to go out and teasing if he doens't - IO'm thinking 'under the thimb, is that a bald patch' type comments.

olibeansmummy · 25/11/2011 21:47

Awww I'm glad you've sorted it Smile. Dh went away for a few days when I was 40 weeks pregnant. I only agreed to it because he SULKED so much I wanted to get rid of him. I hadn't even had ds yet but I haven't and will never quite forgive him for putting his friend before us. It's really cast a shadow over the time around ds's birth and I'm glad that won't be happening to you now.

Hatwoman · 25/11/2011 21:49

thanks for the update. obviously this has been a difficult day - but one thing I'd say is imho you don't need to feel completely gutted/let down by his inability to "get" it all. tbh not many of us really "get" it until we are thrown into it. having a baby is a real test of a relationship and many many people - most people probably - experience real difficult times / tough issues / incredibly tense discussions/arguments - but still get through it . put the whole thing behind you and look forward to welcoming your lovely baby together.

FabbyChic · 25/11/2011 21:54

Five days max Id say he could go considering the travelling time.

PontyMython · 25/11/2011 22:14

FIL sounds charming Hmm

Xmasbaby11 · 25/11/2011 22:20

2 weeks is way too long. Unbelievable! Newborns are very time consuming and you will be dependent on him at such an early stage. It's not the time to go on holiday. He may not realise his responsibility now but he certainly will once the baby's born.

A few days might be OK if you have local support.

pigletmania · 25/11/2011 22:27

FIL sounds a bit of a prat tbh, is he and MIL going to come round to help regularly then whilst your dh is away Hmm. My dh would never ever consider this, I am so surprised your dh is, and is ok about leaving his wife with a newborn baby for such a long time. He would not be happy if you did it, so how can he expect you to be happy about it and agree to it. Some people are so selfish.

carernotasaint · 26/11/2011 00:47

Sounds to me like FILs influence needs nipping in the bud pronto. Subliminally or otherwise he has passed the message on to his son that it is ok to behave like this and that children are womens work. Does FIL want to help break up his sons marriage? sounds like it to me. The OPs DH needs to grow a pair though.

SouthStar · 26/11/2011 00:53

I wouldnt dread him being away, you will surprise yourself. I had ds (1yr) and dd (3 weeks) and dh cleared off for 2 months (i say cleared off, he had no choice) and i cried my eyes out at the thought of dealing with 2 babies on my own, oh and a hyper dog to walk every day. In the end I found it empowering.

That aside, two weeks is abit much.... but if in return you get two weeks yourself, store that two weeks away untill baby becomes a toddler and vanish on a relaxing spa break :)

my2centsis · 26/11/2011 08:33

YANBU to be honest i wouldnt even be happy with DH going away at all when dc is only 4weeks old. you could go overdue and baby could only be a couple of weeks old, what if you end up having a c-section??
I think your DH is being very selfish :(

JamieComeHome · 26/11/2011 08:36

I'd say it would be unacceptable (to me, and my DH wouldn't dream of it unless he had to go for work) to go for more than one night.

VinaApsara · 26/11/2011 08:45

Even without the baby issue what loving happily married family man would actually want to go on a 2-week stag do? The groom sounds like a right twat for even thinking about organising such a thing.

pigletmania · 26/11/2011 08:57

Exactly Vina and the fact he cannot see what he is doing wrong is a bit Hmm tbh. He is not taking the op seriously and respecting her.

Proudnscary · 26/11/2011 08:59

Never in the history of AIBU has one husband... been SO FUCKING UNREASONABLE!!!!

learningtofly · 26/11/2011 09:01

Glad to read the update.

I just asked my dh if he would consider a 2 week stag do to turkey.

He said he wouldn't mind a 2 week holiday if it was a family holiday but his liver wouldn't survive a 3 day stag do these days let alone 2 weeks.

Your dp may feel very different when the baby arrives - my dh often has nights away with work but in the first 6 months he did loads more travelling (against my advice) because he couldn't bear being away from us.

cory · 26/11/2011 09:17

make sure your FIL doesn't talk him round

this shows how clueless he is:

"DP and I talked, I told him of my concerns and he said he didn't know I'd be this upset by it all despite the fact that I told him I didn't want him to go as soon as he informed me of the plans. He said that obviously he wouldn't go if the baby was late but apparently if everything is fine, baby arrives around the correct date, health-wise we are okay then it should be fine for him to go."

many, many women are fine post-delivery and then slip into PND after a few weeks

I was ok post-delivery but a month later dd was in hospital for failing to thrive

he seems to think that once the birth is over you will both be able to put your feet up and relax Hmm

even in the best case scenarios this is unlikely

iscream · 26/11/2011 09:23

No. YaNbu. Outrageous that he even considered it. He should not leave you for 2 weeks for a social outing when you have an infant.
And that is both my husband and I saying it.

pigletmania · 26/11/2011 09:27

And he wants to check with the groom today Hmm No should be the answer, my dw has just given birth and I want to spend as much time with her and the baby as I can. Silly weak twattish dh that you have!

Bartimaeus · 26/11/2011 09:33

Haven't read all the thread, but glad to see the update.

I have a 9 week old and would have been furious if DH had buggered off for 2 weeks when DS was 4 weeks old. I had a relatively easy baby for the first 4 weeks (and then it changed!), but even so I desperately needed someone to talk to at the end of the day and also someone who was just as gaga about my baby as I was! Grin

Told DH about this thread and he was Shock. He's annoyed that work is sending him abroad one night a week soon as he won't see DS that evening - he said he couldn't imagine not being with him for 2 weeks

seeker · 26/11/2011 09:47

"Even without the baby issue what loving happily married family man would actually want to go on a 2-week stag do? The groom sounds like a right twat for even thinking about organising such a thing."

I really question this though. The baby is the only issue here. Of COURSE he shouldn't go under the circumstances. But why shouldn't he go otherwise? Presumably they are going to do wqtersports or something- that's why they need two weeks?

iggi999 · 26/11/2011 09:52

Why shouldn't he go if there's no baby involved? Because it's two weeks out of whatever holiday entitlement he could spend with his partner, lots of money, and it is highly unlikely that the woman would be able to take a similar fortnight for herself to go off with some friends.

Dozer · 26/11/2011 09:53

Urgh, menchildren.

pigletmania · 26/11/2011 09:54

Exactly iggi if it can't work the other way, than dh should not go.

StealthPolarBear · 26/11/2011 09:59

my DH wanted to do this - DC1 would have been a few weeks old at the time (wanted to walk the coast to coast). I convinced him it was a bad idea as he needs to be there in DS's early days in order to establish himself as a parent, and I told him when DS was only 4 weeks old he would have changed so much when DH returned. Anyway, he eventually agreed and then when DS was born really understood what I had meant, and said there was no way he could have done it. He genuinely didn't understand what it would be like having a tiny baby.

Now the DCs are 4 and 2, he is finally doing the CTC, and I am now fine about it. Now the DCs are old enough to remember him while he's away, chat on the phone, track his progress on a map etc.

seeker · 26/11/2011 09:59

So when my dp asked if it was ok for him to go sailing on a Tall Ship for two weeks I should have said no because he is self employed and therefore we can't afford for him to take two weeks off to look after the children while I have a tit for tat holiday?