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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want DP to go on this stag do?

268 replies

thatspanishgirl · 25/11/2011 09:02

Just need some outside opinions, please.

DP's best friend is getting married and they've decided to have a holiday instead of the normal night down the bar. This is sort of a tradition with their group of friends - any time one gets married they all take a 3 or 4 day break to Spain or somewhere similar. I've never had a problem with this - DP works hard and deserves a few days away.

But, DP's BF has decided that 4 days isn't long enough obviously and they need to go away for two weeks! I'm not happy with this as the holiday will be at the end of January - when, praying all is well, we will have a 4 week old baby.

DP doesn't see this as a problem as he will be here for the birth, the first couple of weeks and "after all, they don't really do much at that age, do they?" Well no maybe they don't but I would still like him here, with us, spending our first couple of months as a family.

Added to this, they're going to Turkey this year so if anything was to go wrong then he'd be a 5 and a half hour flight away. Of course he reckons this isn't a problem and he can get home asap if needed.

What do you think?

OP posts:
Starshaped · 25/11/2011 09:25

YANBU. Your DH is taking the piss - a two week stag do?!?! I think he needs to reassess his priorities pronto.

He's also living in cloud cuckoo land if he thinks the first couple of weeks post baby are a walk in the park. DD spent the first few weeks crying and generally refusing to sleep. I also spent the first few weeks crying and wishing I could sleep.

There's no way I could have got through it without DH. He wouldn't have chosen to miss the first few weeks of DDs life in order to go on a piss up either...

Shakirasma · 25/11/2011 09:25

Is he having a laugh???
What would he say if you had arranged to naff off for a fortnight and leave him alone with a 4 week old baby?

And as others have said, the baby may be much younger, and you may be post op. It's not just his job to see it born, it's his job to help raise and care for it.

4 or 5 days is not unreasonable but I am gobsmacked that he thinks 2 weeks is ok. Has it actually sunk in that having a baby means your life changes?

Notquitegrownup · 25/11/2011 09:27

"after all, they don't really do much at that age, do they?" - Shock Grin Shock

Ohh the nostalgia of preparing for your first baby. Of course, some are quite easy, and I am in total awe of single mothers who cope alone with those first few weeks, but nothing prepares you for the fact that small mite can rip your life in two. You may be fine (don't want to scare you, as it can still be the most marvellous time of your life) but you may find that your first birth leaves you feeling as if you have done 15 rounds in the ring with a heavyweight boxer - inside your bods! I was so weak from bloodloss that I hadn't left the house after three weeks. Add to that the potential of a cs (and that fact that if you had a cs you still wouldn't be able to drive by then), a mind numbed by waking every two hours day and night to feed, nipples that felt as if they were put through a blender, a baby that screamed for 8 hours a day with colic, and got through more nappies that you ever thought humanly possible, 45 thank you letters to be written . . . . then YANBU to think that 2 weeks away is too much. YABVVVR to offer him a 4 day break and he should make very very sure that you get an equal number of pamper days in the following weeks and months too

Shakirasma · 25/11/2011 09:27

Actually I have just asked my DH what he thinks.

He thinks your DH is a knob, among other things.

LadyBeagleEyes · 25/11/2011 09:27

Have you asked the other wives/partners how they feel?
I bet they're all a bit Hmm about it too.

SetFiretotheRain · 25/11/2011 09:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pigletmania · 25/11/2011 09:29

Yanbu at all. Two weeks is a he'll of a long time. Could he not go for a week. Completely selfish of him, how would he feel if you buggered off like that when the baby has been born. Aaanf

Pootles2010 · 25/11/2011 09:30

Ha ha at 'they don't do much at that age'! Is this your first then? I'd say absolutely no way. I'd be fuming over a few days tbh. You will be so, so knackered.

Sounds like my dp, he said 'oh our lives won't change that much when he have ds' he happily admits now to having been blissfully ignorant.

HipHopOpotomus · 25/11/2011 09:31

YANBU - firstly a two week stag do??? FFS I've heard it all now!!
And secondly what wineandpizza said and shakirasma and setfire etc etc

pigletmania · 25/11/2011 09:31

He does not sound very compromising, his way or noway.

Moofins · 25/11/2011 09:31

My DH went away for 4 days when my first was 4weeks old. My sister came over to help for one day but even so by the time DH came home I was quite an emotional wreck. My hormones were still all over the place.

4 days was fine but I think 2 weeks for a stag do is completely overboard even if you didn't have a newborn?

Also is 4 weeks tAking into consideration you could go overdue as I was 10 days over so we had thought it would be 6 weeks not 4 and I think that did make a difference regarding my emotional state.

cory · 25/11/2011 09:32

"after all, they don't really do much at that age, do they?"

No mate, but there might just be one or two things that you will be required to do Hmm

HipHopOpotomus · 25/11/2011 09:33

Yeah perhaps tell him "thats fine darling, and on your return I'm off to XXXXX for two weeks - I've written some notes as to looking after the baby - cya!" (not that you'd go, but seriously he need a huge wake up call)

letmehelp · 25/11/2011 09:33

Hmm, IMO 2 weeks would be unreasonable even without the new baby - annual leave is precious (assuming he gets 4-5 weeks like most of us) and to want to spend that much away from your wife and family would raise alarm bells for me.

Is he planning to take any paternity leave when baby arrives? How will his work feel about 2 weeks off with baby followed quickly by another 2 weeks holiday? Could that win the argument for you (if he can't see the error of his ways)

Would it be possible for him to go and meet up with the others for a few days? Although TBH that's not really on with new baby.

ENormaSnob · 25/11/2011 09:37

2 weeks for a stag do?

Takes the piss IMO.

Even more so as you have a newborn.

Perhaps your dh should reevaluate his priorities.

SarahBumBarer · 25/11/2011 09:38

My DH agrees with shakirasma's DH.

I can't begin to tell you how disappointed I would be in DH if he even suggested this to me. I think under normal circumstances a week of our precious annual leave would be a negotiation matter (4 days absolutely fair enough if over a weekend) but at 4 weeks post birth Shock It is a huge adjustment period for all of you. He needs to grow up.

DesperatelySeekingPomBears · 25/11/2011 09:38

Am I alone in thinking that even a couple of days is too long to desert the fort leaving behind a DP and a brand new, fresh out of the box baby?! My DP wouldn't even consider asking for a single night away at that stage. He wouldn't WANT to!

mumofbumblebea · 25/11/2011 09:38

OP YADNBU - he shouldn't be planning on going away even for a night with a baby that age. at that age my DD was screaming all night and just generally whenever i put her down during the day. i would have been fuming that i was doing that whilst he was enjoying himself on holiday spending his families money. i'm afraid he will have to go without his lads holidays for a fair few years now! a night out is the most you should really plan for a good few years! also if you have the baby late and he is away on a day that your midwife is visiting to see how you and little one are getting on, can you imagine having to say that he's gone on a 2 weeks stag do!

susiedaisy · 25/11/2011 09:40

2 weeks is taking the piss, oh dear your hubby has got a bit of a wake up call coming his way once this babe arrives!!

OurPlanetNeptune · 25/11/2011 09:41

Oh dear, this doesn't bode well. What a selfish, selfish man. And I also asked my husband and he says your 'D'P is a immature tosser. This really doesn't bode well.

mumofbumblebea · 25/11/2011 09:42

#health visitor sorry not midwife, thinking about my appointment later lol

susiedaisy · 25/11/2011 09:42

what if you have had a c section and cant drive the car, what if you go 12 days overdue like i did and then have a yucky infection of some sort (i did) ???? sorry to be negative but it could be weeks before you are back on oyur feet and well again!!

Dalrymps · 25/11/2011 09:43

Shock With my first I wouldn't have agreed to two days never mod weeks!

Iirc ds was pooing between 8-12 times a day at least and feeding every few hours plus being up several times a night. It's a challenge just to get dressed at eat a meal when they're only a few weeks old.

He is being totally U

He will realise this once the baby is here.

iggi999 · 25/11/2011 09:44

He could go, but book separate flights perhaps so was only a few days?
If mine went away for two weeks I would have changed the locks when he came back.
His pals must all be telling him it's perfectly normal to do this?

notyummy · 25/11/2011 09:46

Everyone else has said already really. This is patently out of order and there is no way my DH would even have dreamed of doing anything like this. He turned a number of nights away with mates on the run up to and immediately after DDs birth because he wanted to be with us. He had to go away for 3 nights with work when she was 3 weeks old and he moved heaven and earth to get back as early as possible.

I second the advice on getting a 'good' male role model to speak to him about just what life with a newborn can be like, and how much support new mums may need.

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