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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want DP to go on this stag do?

268 replies

thatspanishgirl · 25/11/2011 09:02

Just need some outside opinions, please.

DP's best friend is getting married and they've decided to have a holiday instead of the normal night down the bar. This is sort of a tradition with their group of friends - any time one gets married they all take a 3 or 4 day break to Spain or somewhere similar. I've never had a problem with this - DP works hard and deserves a few days away.

But, DP's BF has decided that 4 days isn't long enough obviously and they need to go away for two weeks! I'm not happy with this as the holiday will be at the end of January - when, praying all is well, we will have a 4 week old baby.

DP doesn't see this as a problem as he will be here for the birth, the first couple of weeks and "after all, they don't really do much at that age, do they?" Well no maybe they don't but I would still like him here, with us, spending our first couple of months as a family.

Added to this, they're going to Turkey this year so if anything was to go wrong then he'd be a 5 and a half hour flight away. Of course he reckons this isn't a problem and he can get home asap if needed.

What do you think?

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 26/11/2011 10:01

oh and it helped that he wanted to do this was FIL, and MIL was firmly on my side - told him it was a ridiculous idea. So it wasn't just the hormonal, nagging wifey :o

Chandon · 26/11/2011 10:04

regardless of whether he goes or not, I think just him WNATING to shows, i am afraid, that he is being selfish and inconsiderate, and puts his own needs before yours or the family's.

TheScaryJessie · 26/11/2011 11:01

I've read through the thread, and I'm glad there's going to be a happy ending, this time.

Going on holiday wouldn't just be unfair on you, as everyone else explained, it would constitute deciding to be a shit father before the baby's even drawn his first breath!

"They don't do much" indeed! He shouldn't be thinking how much entertainment the baby can provide his/her parents; it's about the parental duty to care for and love the baby! Babies aren't electronic gadgets!

Babieseverywhere · 26/11/2011 11:31

Sounds like he is thinking of you now and will decide to cancel stupid stag do.

Just another horror story for you, my third baby was three weeks late and then we spent a week in hospital due to complications. Using your time scale you could not even be home from the hospital on the day he is due to fly out !

VinaApsara · 26/11/2011 11:48

Seeker, it is of course a value judgement, but if your dp has a particular hobby/interest that, after due discussion, necessitates a 2 week trip away then that is a private matter. I just think it's a bit weird to want to take 2 weeks annual leave to spend away from your partner/family to go on a stag do with a load of other blokes, some of whom will doubtless be strangers. But if it is by mutual consent then naturally there is no discussion to be had.

Alligatorpie · 26/11/2011 14:21

YANBU

When my dd was four weeks old, my husband had to go on a 9 day business trip to China. He was self employed, there was no one else to do it. He took me and the baby to the domestic airport on the way, so we could stay with my mom while he was gone.

It worked out well, I got taken care of, gp's got to spend time with the baby and dh got his work done ( and got uninterrupted sleep on the plane before the jet lag kicked in!)

Would I have coped on my own? Absolutely not!

Pandygirl · 26/11/2011 16:00

No, you really aren't being unreasonable. I can't believe any of the wives / girlfriends would be happy for their OH to take 2 weeks leave and go on holiday with their mates.

The fact that you will have a tiny baby just makes it utterly ridiculous.

Pg x

south345 · 26/11/2011 21:14

It is perfectly manageable on your own, I did my dp didn't take any paternity leave as we couldnt afford for him to with dc2 and went back to work while I was still in hospital and I managed with both children on my own and he didn't do any night feeds or anything to do with dc2 as he was tiny and poorly and he was too scared to help. we also didn't have any family help. But you are still not being unreasonable and he shouldn't even be considering it

GwendolineMaryLacey · 26/11/2011 21:35

Has he actually said he's not going though? FIL thinks he should and he's going to "talk to his friend". That sounds to me like someone who could easily be talked back into it.

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 27/11/2011 08:06

FIL sounds like the reason DH thinks a two week stag do is more important that time at home with a baby.

On the bright side, OP, your FIL has basically just said he can cope at work for four weeks without your DH, so he should have no problems with your DH taking those four weeks off to stay at home with you and his child. He can't now say that it was okay to have two extra weeks for a stag do but not for caring for the baby, so he's just doubled your DH's paternity leave.

But do as Gwendoline has said, make sure he is definitely not going and be clear that his friends and FIL know that too. Ask him outright if he is definitely not going at all no matter what happens with the baby.

rookiemater · 27/11/2011 09:14

I wouldn't be asking anything I would be telling. If he goes off for a two week stag do, then he will be a separated man when he comes back.

This can't be happening, I just can't see how the groom would be able to get the time off and how anyone except single men would go off for 2 weeks. I remember a long time ago a friends friend had a boyfriend who went off for the lads with two weeks every year, meaning they could only go as a couple for one. I remember thining he was a right selfish twat and they didn 't even have kids.

ageperfect · 27/11/2011 09:46

I agree with rookiemater!!!! If he decides to go ahead ,he would't find his things at home on the way back. Actually, considering to go even for 3 days at that period of your life it's VU. And your FIL is really out of order. To support his get away????? O dear!!! All of us need a break sometimes,but he should decide is he really ready for what is ahead of him in life. He is very selfish in my book and i would tell him that simple, he can not go. Period. He is sorry...bla bla. He is not a kid anymore. Is his friend more important than your baby and you....

thenightsky · 27/11/2011 09:51

What does the bride think of her dear intended's 2 week stag piss up? Hmm

Thruaglassdarkly · 27/11/2011 09:58

There's no way my DH would've gone for even 3-4 days, let alone 2 weeks. He wouldn't have wanted to, to be honest, because the first few months after a n/b can be really tough. What's he thinking???

Thruaglassdarkly · 27/11/2011 10:09

In fact, I just told him about your post and he's horrified. His words were, "What.a.prat!" then he started talking about how he should be more responsible now he's a dad, etc... He thinks one night out might be acceptable IF you're doing ok by that point. He also asked a good question - what if you have a c-section? You can't be left alone so soon afterwards for so long. Plus (and this is my thought), what if you're late delivering? I was 2 weeks late with DC1. Do you want me to send my DH over to talk some sense into him? Wink

Thruaglassdarkly · 27/11/2011 10:14

Sorry, have just seen your update. Please keep us posted.

Limejelly · 27/11/2011 10:49

I asked DP what he thought about being asked to go on a 2 week stag and he said ...." two weeks?! That's taking the piss!"

And we are both 25 and don't ( yet Wink) have any children!

I am Angry on your behalf that your DH thinks this acceptable.

daisydotandgertie · 27/11/2011 11:02

I've just asked my DH what he thinks and he said "what he can't yet realise is that those early weeks are the most precious thing in the world and he'll never, ever get them back. And if he thinks that getting pissed for 2 weeks is more important than that ....."

I've seen your update and am pleased he's changed his mind. But still.

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