to not want DP to go on this stag do?

[thatspanishgirl]

Just need some outside opinions, please.

DP's best friend is getting married and they've decided to have a holiday instead of the normal night down the bar. This is sort of a tradition with their group of friends - any time one gets married they all take a 3 or 4 day break to Spain or somewhere similar. I've never had a problem with this - DP works hard and deserves a few days away.

But, DP's BF has decided that 4 days isn't long enough obviously and they need to go away for two weeks! I'm not happy with this as the holiday will be at the end of January - when, praying all is well, we will have a 4 week old baby.

DP doesn't see this as a problem as he will be here for the birth, the first couple of weeks and "after all, they don't really do much at that age, do they?" Well no maybe they don't but I would still like him here, with us, spending our first couple of months as a family.

Added to this, they're going to Turkey this year so if anything was to go wrong then he'd be a 5 and a half hour flight away. Of course he reckons this isn't a problem and he can get home asap if needed.

What do you think?

I think this is quite frankly one of the most selfish ideas i've ever heard of on MN or ever in life.
I feel horribly sorry for you that you have a DP that even thinks like this and thats even before looking at the cost of it and holiday allowance.

I'm also one of those "resasonable" types that is happy for my DH to go off on a stag w/end, out of the country if we can afford it and have a fun time (i would also do it for a Hen w/end), but the idea of doing it when we had a 4 week old much wanted firstborn is just beyond mine or my DH's thinking.

How horrible for you.

Look, some people breeze through early parenthood in a haze of cuddles, milk and talcum powder. I've yet to meet one of them though.

I had a relatively easy pregnancy and an easy birth from which I recovered quickly, physically.

At four weeks tho, I was really starting to lose my shit. I was sinking into PND which involved horrendous anxiety just thinking about DD waking up, she was crying constantly for 4-5 hours every evening, from colic and we now realise acid reflux, she was difficult to feed, due to reflux, I was either sobbing or generally silent and tight-lipped and extremely tightly wound about everything. DD meant broken nights as of course young babies do, but even in between that, I couldn't settle to sleep as I was so stressed out.

I had a v supportive DH, lots of other family and friends nearby (like literally within 5 minutes if I really needed them), and I still barely coped.

It was at about this time that DH finally admitted to each other that we both just felt black inside.

I know my experience was particularly bad, you will probably not have this experience, I sincerely hope you don't, and wish you much happiness & joy along with the requisite talcum powder & cuddles, but really, your DH is being a twat if he is even considering this. Neither of you have any idea what your situ will be at that point - early/late delivery, VB/ELCS/EMC, long/short hospital stay, BF successful & easy or the opposite.

Put simply, if there was ever a time when you need each other, this is it.

Sorry if my post sounds overly negative & dramatic (and possibly patronising, which I absolutely don't mean to be), I don't want to make you worry about things that may not happen to you, but DH needs to be aware that the first few weeks with a new baby are hard, very hard, and he has absolutely no idea how much he is letting you down by even suggesting this.

D

YANBU. Your DP is being VU.

Those first few weeks and months with a baby are really really hard. You definitely need support around that time. I can't even imagine why your DP wants to leave his new baby to go away with his mates for two weeks.

Even when you've got older children, I think two weeks away is a bit steep. My DP sometimes goes away on his own or with friends, but never for more than about five days.

I said earlier two nights away might be ok. I take that back, it is only because it sounds ok after hearing two weeks (two weeks! ). You should be together getting to know and sharing the care of your baby. Even if you're breastfeeding and therefore doing the night feeds, you'll still need him to take over the baby jiggling when you're so tired you feel like crying and need help and support to not be a jibbering wreck

Don't want to make the first few weeks sound awful by the way, they're amazing! But hard work too. imo too relentless to do on your own.

YANBU. 4 days, OK - fucking off for 2 weeks to Turkey when the two of you have a 4 week old baby is just not on.

Another YANBU.
I had an easy birth, if a bit late, and my dd was an easy baby so in theory we'd have been in the perfect position for my dh to go swanning off. And I'd still have collapsed in a heap had he left me. I needed him to come home at night - I needed someone else to hold the baby while I took a shower and drank a complete cup of tea. I needed someone else to nip out to the shops for milk when bundling the baby up and getting the car seat out etc etc seemed all a bit much. And I needed someone else to come home at night and say 'No, you're not a terrible mother - you're great. Babies cry and she's just having an upset sort of day. Here, let me hold her for a bit and you go and have a bath'. That sort of support fixes you as a family and helps to start you off in your new setting of 'family' rather then 'couple'. If he's not there, you will feel resentful every time you have a difficult day and this will fester.

Seconding those who say it sounds as though he thinks it's your job, and he can just opt out as and when he wants to.

Also, going from my own experience, my dh came from a background where men's involvement in child care was limited until Dad could show you how to bait your own fishing line. So getting stuck in was something he was keen to do but really unsure about. Those early weeks were vital as he learnt how to 'be' around his daughter - he adored her, but felt like there wasn't much he could 'do' for her. Because I was there all the time, it was easy for him to see me efficiently changing a nappy and say 'You do it better than me, so you better do this one as well because I don't want to hurt her/upset her'. I had to stand back and do a lot of prompting and supporting as he learnt how to cope with her. If he'd been away during that time, we'd have started to establish a routine that didn't include him so much and there would then have been a very real risk of him becoming more alienated, as he wouldn't have been there during the early 'find your way and figure it out together' bit.
Hope that makes sense.

I think what I'm trying to say is that if he thinks he's not important, and takes off for two weeks, then essentially you will have to cope without him. And then him not being important in the care of the baby becomes self-fulfilling, and he could find himself a marginal figure whose view isn't important in the care of his own baby, and who doesn't know what to do because he didn't take the time to find out.

Crap idea. He needs to start thinking like a Dad and not like a teenager.

The fact that you will have a 2-4 week old baby is almost irrelevant.

Even if you had no children at all or older children who on earth has enough annual leave and cash that they can afford to spend two weeks of it on a mates holiday, presumably for most of those attending unless they are multi millionaires or own their own company, this means they will not be able to go on holiday with their significant other/family.

What about the groom to be? Presumably he is planning some sort of honeymoon with, you know, the woman he has chosen to marry. Are they going to do a weekend in Skegness because no company I know would be terribly happy about an employee being away for 2 weeks back for a couple and then off again on honeymoon.

This sounds like ridiculous nonsense and I'm pretty sure most potential attendees will end up realising it and deciding that a week or 4 days is more sensible. Whether you think he should then go on the reduced trip is down to you. Dh went away for a weekend when DS was about 4 weeks as it was an annual lads event and they don't live close so I wanted him to go, tbh I found it hard going as I had an emergency C-section and was finding it physically and emotionally hard to recover.

Surely Bodrum is a summer holiday resort and everythinG will be closed and locked UP in January. Plus the fact it will be freezing. What on earth are they planning on doing?

TBH I think 4 days would be pushing it with a newborn. He sounds either phenomenally stupid and naive or like a selfish twat. Sorry you're having to deal with this, OP. I wouldn't want my DH to go away without me for two weeks at all, ever, newborn or not. That is a huge chunk of valuable and limited holiday time and money that we the the wouldn't be able to share as a family.

I think 4 days is too long that soon after birth when all your family are so far away, let alone two sodding weeks

I had bad PND after ds, I literally sat and cied in my dressing gown for 6 weeks.

Not suggesting this will happen to you obviously.

Dp first went away for a friends wedding in Spain when ds was 5 months and that was fine, any sooner and I don't think I could have coped.

I can't stop thinking about this thread. Op, please put your foot down and tell him he's not going.

has it been paid for yet?

YANBU 2 weeks is far toooo long!! 4 days would be my max!!

2 weeks is taking the piss, I wouldn't be happy.

I think 4-5 days fine but 2 weeks would be to long purely from the respect of only having so many days of holiday entitlement per year.

Jesus. TBH kids or no kids I think even 4 days for a stag do is pushing it. What a waste of money and holidays. I suppose if it was for a really good friend and over a weekend I would be alright with him going for 4 days but neither of us would really want to.
For 2 weeks with a new born? Not a hope. DH wouldn't even suggest it, he wouldn't even mention it in my hearing, except to say how crazy it was that anyone would even think he could do it.

No, no and no again. A weekend maybe. A fortnight not for all the Brownie points in the world .

I have a 14 week old DD. She's my third child (so I kind of know what I'm doing), I had an uncomplicated normal delivery & she sleeps through the night almost every night. Even in my circumstances I wouldn't want DH to be away for 2 weeks of her life at such a young age - dad's need to bond too & mum's need a break from even the easiest of babies (I'm only talking about being able to go to the supermarket alone or similar - not galavanting ).

At 4 weeks old (presuming baby arrives on time), he or she is very unlikely to be sleeping through the night & will probably be feeding every 2 or 3 hours. Maybe more. You also need a lot more help & support with your first (well I did anyway) because everything is new to you. Add to that, the raging hormones & extreme tiredness. It would be so incredibly selfish of your DH to leave you for 2 weeks at that time. I could say more but it would all be along the same lines so I shall refrain .

DH had to go away with work when DD was about 5 weeks old... it was one night only, but I still remember it now, 24 years later. I felt abandoned and so very alone with a screaming baby and no relatives within 150 miles to help.

I ran out of bread and I couldn't face the half hour long hassle of getting DD changed and sorted and into a car seat so I could drive 5 miles to nearest shop.

I was filled with panic at the thought of 'what ifs'... what if I fall down the stairs and knock myself out? What if i drop her? What if the house burns down? What if there is a power cut?

Tell the stupid man his wife and baby are a million times more important than a stupid stag do in a freezing, out of season, closed resort 5 hours flight away

Also think about how much time he'll "need to recover" when he returns - I know my DH always collapses with hangover type ill feelings for the first day back from a 2 day stag type break, let alone 2 weeks! You shouldn't have to fight this - he should just know its unreasonable. Even if you OK it, he shouldn't feel comfortable or want to go anyway.

Yanbu could he not go for a week instead? If you are late the baby could be 2 weeks or less! And what if you have to have a c section, think its just a bit close to baby being born to be going for so long.

And I also agree that spending 2 weeks worth of holiday entitlement on a stag do is very selfish as it will inevitably cut down the time he has left to take with you & the baby later in the year. He isn't planning to use paid paternity leave to do this is he?

So of the first 6 weeks of your child's life, his father might miss a third?

You might only have a two week old baby, you might not be able to drive. You might be bleeding and leaking milk and be crying at Puff the Magic Dragon and be so earth shatteringly tired you can't think straight.

And then later in the year, when you go back to work and your baby catches every germ going, your DH won't be able to take any time off work because he used 50% of his annual leave entitlement going on a stag do.

YANBU. You are being very generous saying you're happy with him going for a few days I think! Don't underestimate how much a newborn turns your world upside down.

That's more of a message to pass on to your dh! But you have lots of angles from this thread to say to him. Good luck!

Can I just repeat what I and other posters have said?
WTF are they going to be doing in Turkey in January for 2 weeks?
Has this been discussed with the stag?