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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want DP to go on this stag do?

268 replies

thatspanishgirl · 25/11/2011 09:02

Just need some outside opinions, please.

DP's best friend is getting married and they've decided to have a holiday instead of the normal night down the bar. This is sort of a tradition with their group of friends - any time one gets married they all take a 3 or 4 day break to Spain or somewhere similar. I've never had a problem with this - DP works hard and deserves a few days away.

But, DP's BF has decided that 4 days isn't long enough obviously and they need to go away for two weeks! I'm not happy with this as the holiday will be at the end of January - when, praying all is well, we will have a 4 week old baby.

DP doesn't see this as a problem as he will be here for the birth, the first couple of weeks and "after all, they don't really do much at that age, do they?" Well no maybe they don't but I would still like him here, with us, spending our first couple of months as a family.

Added to this, they're going to Turkey this year so if anything was to go wrong then he'd be a 5 and a half hour flight away. Of course he reckons this isn't a problem and he can get home asap if needed.

What do you think?

OP posts:
OhdearNigel · 25/11/2011 11:40

Utterly, utterly ridiculous. And DH has been on 3 4 day stag dos in DDs first 18 months so I am not unreasonable about them.
Two weeks is a ridiculous amount of time; does he really want to use half of his holiday entitlement for his child's first year on a piss up holiday ? I would be spitting teeth if I were you. Well, I wouldn't. Because there would be absolutely no discussion on the topic.
Your DH is clearly underestimating how much work a newborn is - I take it that it's your first ?

Janiston · 25/11/2011 11:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuietNinjaTeacup · 25/11/2011 11:44

Yanbu at all. You need to tell him he can't go. Not with anewborn. Not on at all. I'd be furious if my dh wanted to do this and I didn't have a baby.

spiderlight · 25/11/2011 11:48

YANBU at all. I could never have coped on my own for two weeks at that stage.

SulkySullenDame · 25/11/2011 11:48

I predict that once he meets his little bundle of joy he won't want to be away for 2 weeks... Smile

HerdOfTinyElephants · 25/11/2011 11:48

I read your thread title and was expecting to post at least "Well, you are being a tiny bit U" but no, YANB at all U.

Two weeks for a stag do is crazy anyway, but for him to be contemplating heading off on a two week jolly four weeks after your EDD is completely ridiculous. There is no possible excuse for that kind of irresponsible attitude.

eurochick · 25/11/2011 11:49

I think he is being really naive. I think it is fairly common that a lot of men don't get their heads around life with a baby, bonding, etc until the baby is actually here, but he seems to be in complete denial.

I think he does need to think about worst case scenarios. I don't want to scare you but in my close group of friends out of 4 who have had babies, 2 went 2 weeks overdue and ended up with EMCSs. One of those then had a massive haemorrhage 10 days later, collapsing on the floor, blue light transfer to hospital, blood transfusion, etc. Luckily, her husband was there to catch her (and the baby) when she fell. So she would have still been in hospital at the time your husband is thinking about going away.

He has got a really big wake up call coming. I suspect that once he meets the baby he won't want to go anyway.

Panzee · 25/11/2011 11:50

Tell him that if babies don't do much at that age he can take the baby with him. Grin

Hopefully it's just a prenatal wobble and not knobbishness. I second whoever said get the groom in and ask him to explain himself. Two weeks in Turkey in January, are they insane?

bananamam · 25/11/2011 11:52

YANBU. How would he feel if you decided to go away for two weeks and leave him alone with a 4 week old baby?..ask him! Obviously you wouldn't do that, because parents(plural you will notice) don't do that!....prize twat if he he goes Grin

OhdearNigel · 25/11/2011 11:55

DD was a delightfully easy baby but on the day that DH went back to work from paternity leave I was actually trying to prevent him from going out of the door and begging him not to go. Obviously he had to and I phoned my Mum immediately in floods of tears and begged her to come over because I was so anxious about being on my own. I am a very confident person and this was a complete out of character experience. I would have been absolutely hysterical had he been going away for two weeks.

He has no idea how life is about to change you both and if he insists on going I would walk out. You and your baby need to be his priority now, not a lads' boozing holiday

OhdearNigel · 25/11/2011 12:02

Does he come to MW appointments with you ? Make him come to the next one with you and tell her about this little scheme. Then he can realise what a numpty he is being when she pisses herself laughing

PlasticFlamingo · 25/11/2011 12:04

YANBU. My DD was due on the 4th August, she was born by emcs after a 40 hour labour on the 23rd. I was in hospital for a week and finally went home on the 30th. So in your position I would have had 4 days at home with our baby before DH went on holiday for 2 weeks! Madness.

ShoutyHamster · 25/11/2011 12:09

Um, to put it simply, during that two week period he has already signed up to take part in a job which will prove the most intense, totally rushed-off-your-feet, utterly all-encompassing task of his life. Alongside you.

He isn't available to go on the stag do because of this prior commitment.

If he doesn't quite realise that this is the situation, if he thinks that the baby will just BE there but life will continue as before, with not much going on, then he needs enlightening, pronto. Before you end up with PND due to an unsupportive partner.

If he thinks that the baby is somehow your job, and that he is technically 'free' to accept this offer, then he also needs enlightening pronto. Before his srlfishness wrecks his successful partnership and happy family life.

Meanwhile, I suggest also the broken record technique. 'I'm sorry, that isn't possible for our family. WE will be looking after a new baby.'

Always use the 'we'...

maighdlin · 25/11/2011 12:09

had flexed fingers ready for angry "you can't control your partner he needs a life outside of you" response but not wanting him to go on a two week holiday to turkey for a stag do 4 weeks after having a baby (baring in mind it could be late and only 2 weeks before) is NOT U in the slightest. Two fucking weeks for a stag do???? wtf??????

Ribeno · 25/11/2011 12:10

I can't believe he would even consider going for two weeks. DOES HE HAVE ANY IDEA HOW TOUGH IT CAN BE WITH A NEWBORN!!!!!!!!! You may be up every 3/4 hours in the night and you are going to be shattered by the end of two weeks if you on your own at the nights. How selfish of him. A week is the absolute maximum I could find ok.

Original poster
thatspanishgirl · 25/11/2011 12:25

Sorry, had to faff about with some RL stuff.

minxofmancunia, I have told him that if it means that much to him he should go for the weekend but he didn't even consider it, just sort of brushed it off.

Malificence, maybe I should! I didn't expect to receive this support so it's given me the reassurance that I'm not BU and that he can't try to tell me I am. And they said you were all mean bitches in AIBU! Wink

SooticaTheWitchesCat, Bodrum I think! I may be completely wrong though so don't hold me to that, I just remember him mentioning it.

MorrisZapp, MIL is lovely and thinks he's being an idiot, FIL has practically packed his bags and put him on the next flight.

SulkySullenDame, I really hope so. I agree with all the posters that say he just doesn't know what it's like and hopefully he'll have long forgotten about it when DC is here. I really hope so anyway.

OhdearNigel, he does attend appointments and things. We'd been trying for a child for a long time so he's usually quite excited if a little overwhelmed by it all. He hasn't been particularly different since asking about the trip but his attitude is a bit "oh it'll be fine, everything will work out, you worry too much."

Going back to read over the posts - you pointed out some things I hadn't even thought of Blush

OP posts:
AmberLeaf · 25/11/2011 12:27

YAsoooooooooooooNBU.

ShoutyHamster · 25/11/2011 12:39

I suggest you also get MIL to talk to him too then- lay it out for him that this just isn't ok. If he insists, and goes, he will do a lot of damage to your relationship. That's if he has a relationship to come back to. Seriously. You want to know the reason WHY you have had the responses you have? Because this isn't simply about one person treating another one unfairly. It's far more serious- if he leaves you to cope alone at what might be only two weeks postnatal, it will be hell, and throw hormones into the mix and the way you feel about him may change pretty permanently. It is really not a good move. At all.

What is however more likely to actually happen if he insists in booking it is that approximately a week postnatal, he wil be frantically cancelling and trying to find a way to minimise losing the money. Quite a bit of the damage will have been done by then, however.

Way to go to stress out your pregnant partner, OP's DH.

thenightsky · 25/11/2011 12:45

Ask him to provide a full-time, live in maternity nurse whilst he is away.

And another one to cover her days and shifts off.

That'll larn the bugger.

coraltoes · 25/11/2011 12:47

If my husband had left me with a four week old for two weeks...I'd have packed his bags. And I'm not exaggerating. It demnstrates a colossal lack of respect and love for you and his child.

DoesNotGiveAFig · 25/11/2011 12:48

If you've no-one to help and he won't consider a shorter holiday YADNBU.

ShoutyHamster · 25/11/2011 12:50

Oh, and the kind of family men who are worth having generally take the view that two weeks of annual leave isn't available to spunk on a selfish me-only holiday. Because once you have a child, you aren't just deciding how you spend your own time. You're taking time out from your parenting duties, which means that you're asking someone else - usually your partner- to do it for you.

As you OP have not agreed to cover all his parenting duties for that two weeks, he isn't free to go. That's co-parenting. He doesn't get to have the joy of being a parent plus the freedom from his JOINT responsibilities to unilaterally decide he's off on a two-week jolly. At any time. But doing it a few weeks postnatal? Does he want to split you up, or what?

He sounds like a man-child, not a father-to-be.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 25/11/2011 12:55

He's having a larf.

marthastew · 25/11/2011 13:05

No way. YANBU.

My DH went back to work when our first was 3 days old. My family is also a long way away and my friends have jobs/their own kids. I struggled with making myself food, getting glasses of water, no one to talk to etc during the days when he was at work. I would have gone loopy without him coming home in the evenings.

Anyway, if your DH takes his two week paternity leave, is his employer then going to be happy with him being out of work for a further two weeks in such a short space of time?

My DS was two weeks late. Babies do not arrive to fit in with other people's stag dos.

Rollersara · 25/11/2011 13:07

My sister was two weeks late, came home for a week and then ended up back in hospital with a hospital acquired infection for a week. You have no idea how you'll be feeling after just 4 weeks!