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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want DP to go on this stag do?

268 replies

thatspanishgirl · 25/11/2011 09:02

Just need some outside opinions, please.

DP's best friend is getting married and they've decided to have a holiday instead of the normal night down the bar. This is sort of a tradition with their group of friends - any time one gets married they all take a 3 or 4 day break to Spain or somewhere similar. I've never had a problem with this - DP works hard and deserves a few days away.

But, DP's BF has decided that 4 days isn't long enough obviously and they need to go away for two weeks! I'm not happy with this as the holiday will be at the end of January - when, praying all is well, we will have a 4 week old baby.

DP doesn't see this as a problem as he will be here for the birth, the first couple of weeks and "after all, they don't really do much at that age, do they?" Well no maybe they don't but I would still like him here, with us, spending our first couple of months as a family.

Added to this, they're going to Turkey this year so if anything was to go wrong then he'd be a 5 and a half hour flight away. Of course he reckons this isn't a problem and he can get home asap if needed.

What do you think?

OP posts:
Original poster
thatspanishgirl · 25/11/2011 10:09

kreecherlivesupstairs, BF's soon-to-be wife is Turkish so they're going there so her dad, brother etc can be involved too.

OP posts:
kreecherlivesupstairs · 25/11/2011 10:20

I still think it is utterly selfish. Apart from the cost, it is the flying time that would get my goat.
Unless they are close to an aiport, Turkey is a pretty third world country in many ways.
Ask him to reconsider.
My DH didn't even get a Stag night unless you count him, his BF and me getting a bit tiddly. Sounds a bit lick arsey to me getting the in-laws involved, especially as I doubt there is much stag do traditions in Turkey.

knockkneedandknackered · 25/11/2011 10:20

taking the piss it's too much he's lucky hes going out at all in my opinion.

Quenelle · 25/11/2011 10:22

Putting aside the obvious issues of looking after the baby and you, and using up his annual leave, why would he prefer to be on a long holiday with a bunch of blokes than with his much-wanted newborn child? My DH wouldn't have wanted to leave DS for even 3 or 4 days. Perhaps he is underestimating the depth of feeling you have for your child when it is born.

Quenelle · 25/11/2011 10:22

Putting aside the obvious issues of looking after the baby and you, and using up his annual leave, why would he prefer to be on a long holiday with a bunch of blokes than with his much-wanted newborn child? My DH wouldn't have wanted to leave DS for even 3 or 4 days. Perhaps he is underestimating the depth of feeling you have for your child when it is born.

LadyBeagleEyes · 25/11/2011 10:27

I actually don't know what they would do in Turkey for two weeks either.
It'll be freezing in January and it's not know for it's booze culture either.

verytellytubby · 25/11/2011 10:31

I'm incredibly easy going but 2 weeks is far too long. Also even my selfish husband wouldn't want to use up 2 weeks of his holiday entitlement.

Can't he just go for an extra long weekend?

Groomzilla Grin

wineandroses · 25/11/2011 10:35

Op, seriously, he should not be paying out for a weekend trip never mind for two whole weeks, as neither of you have any idea what might happen. You may be overdue (I was, by 2 weeks), you may need a CS (I had an emergency CS), there may be health issues (my DD had an eye infection which worried the life out of me), sleep issues, feeding problems, and don't underestimate the impact of this massive change to your lives. My DH later told me that he had some serious concerns about me and DD in the weeks following her birth because I appeared to be in some sort of stupor. I do remember feeling pretty dazed a lot of the time and I really, really relied on DH to help with absolutely everything. Also, I couldn't drive for a while and felt pretty isolated once he had returned to work. But, most of all, I remember how DH just couldn't keep himself away from us during those first few weeks - he would run out of work as soon as he could to get home and spend precious time with his wonderful DD (and me!).

You need to kick this whole stupid idea into touch. It won't kill him to miss this stag do, but it may do untold harm to your relationship if he swans off just when you and your PFB need him the most.

NinkyNonker · 25/11/2011 10:37

Yanbu. Sad he even wants to go to be honest. 2 weeks is too long even without a newborn, given the average statutory holiday is 4 weeks. Was he planning on taking paternity leave? His work may not appreciate so much time off.

I just asked DP if he would do this and he looked at ne like I was mad. He also said it was nuts to expect a 2 wk hol for a stag do.

He is being hugely unfair to you.

ENormaSnob · 25/11/2011 10:45

WTF will they actually do in turkey for 2 weeks in January? Confused

lottiegb · 25/11/2011 10:47

Amazing and it's all been said. The charitable view is that, as it's your first, he's being very naive and just assuming that all will go smoothly. The more worrying aspect is that he assumes the baby is 'your job' and he can continue to act as if single. Are you doing any joint pre-natal classes to give you both an idea of what to expect? Have you discussed attitudes to parenthood and how parenting and household tasks will be shared?

I do remember planning a visit to a then pregnant friend for when the baby would be three months old. She booked theatre tickets and said 'his father can babysit for an evening, I can express, it'll be fine'. I vaguely thought that this wasn't what parents of small babies generally seemed to do. We stayed in and had takeaway.

SooticaTheWitchesCat · 25/11/2011 10:49

YANBU

He obvioulsy has no idea how difficult it is to have a young baby in the house! You will need him at home, you baby will be awake all through the night and you will have no time to do anything apart from looking after him/her.

As others have pointed out January is out of season for Turkey anyway so what are they going to do for 2 weeks on a stag do? All the resorts are closed for winter. There is also no tradition of stag dos in Turkey, they don't have them. My husband is Turkish and we lived there when we got married and he had never even heard of the idea of a stag do.

Tell him to get hs priorities straight!

NaughtyBusterAndTheBumFactory · 25/11/2011 10:49

I think you are definitely NBU op. I thought you were going to say a weekend away. 2 weeks is ridiculous. I'm fairly laid back with my DP but have said I don't want him going away next year for 5 days and our ds will be 18 months.

Does he not realise what it will be like for you? How are you supposed to catch up on sleep?

I find this quite sad tbh :( Good luck

samandi · 25/11/2011 11:06

As other posters have said, obviously YANBU.

I would be re-evaluating my relationship very quickly if my partner came out with something like that.

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 25/11/2011 11:11

Two weeks is far too long for anybody to go on a stag/hen do.

What if you are late giving birth?

Or you need an episiotomy or c-section etc? It's not just the baby that needs extra care after birth, you and your body have been through nine months of big changes, many of which you can't see taking place but which have a big effect on you, you will have been through a major physical experience just giving birth anyway and need support but if intervention is required during the birth you will need a lot of additional support and rest (something that is in very short supply with a newborn in the house) for weeks afterwards.

You won't even have had your six week check before he goes.

It's hard work caring for a newborn, caring for yourself and getting anything done in the house. There were some days when I felt I had completed a major achievement just by having both of us dressed and fed. If I had brushed my hair and was wearing clothes that didn't smell like poo or baby sick it was bloody good day and if I'd had more than an hours sleep at a time it was a miracle.

And I can't tell you what a relief it is to have someone else there to help you. My DH worked away in the week and he was lucky to have two weeks of holiday and then two weeks of paternity leave to spend with us. When he went back to work our son was four weeks old and those days when we were alone in the house were long, hard days at first. It was a relief if someone would just hold the baby sometimes and having DH about meant the difference between him nipping to the shop for five minutes if we needed anything and me needing an hour to get there and back with the baby if I was lucky.

The baby might not be doing much (but they are, they do plenty even at that age) and he might feel like he isn't missing anything, but he will be, so much more than he can imagine right now.

My DH had a very hard time understanding the fact that pregnancy caused some very big physical changes other than the bump and that birth didn't put all those changes instantly back to pre-pregnancy settings. And he seemed quite surprised that having a baby made life very different and that we couldn't just carry on as before but with a car seat and extra bag in tow at first. I think your DH might be feeling the same.

You really are not being unreasonable OP.

minxofmancunia · 25/11/2011 11:12

YANBU!!! And I'm laid back with stuff like this, you will really need his support, he might need to drive you around if you have a c-section, he needs to help with the housework whilst you feed and get to know his baby. DH went snowboarding for a week when dd was 4 months old, I was furious, he came back after 3 days because I'd moved in with my parents I was so disgusted that he thought it was ok to do this.

I had pretty bad PND and massive problems with BF so he shouldn't have gone. Inconsiderate IMO, why can't he fly back after a few days...?

ViviPru · 25/11/2011 11:14

Just utter disbelief at the unreasonableness of some people.

YANBU

Malificence · 25/11/2011 11:24

Just show him this thread , It's highly unusual that every single poster on an AIBU thread agrees, that shows you how unbelievably vile and selfish he is being to have even suggested going.

How can he be so stupid to think it's even remotely ok?

SooticaTheWitchesCat · 25/11/2011 11:24

Just out of interest where in Turkey are they planning on going in January?

NaughtyBusterAndTheBumFactory · 25/11/2011 11:27

Agree with Malificence

I even opened the thread thinking you might be over reacting but nope!

MorrisZapp · 25/11/2011 11:28

Hope it all goes well for you, and I'm sure it will. But when my first baby arrived, I was thrown headlong into the horror of PND. My DP couldn't even get out to play one round of golf, never mind fly five hours away for two weeks. If he had left me alone with newborn for even one overnight I would have been sectioned, I think.

Haven't read the whole thread, but what do your inlaws think of this?

squeakytoy · 25/11/2011 11:31

I agree with everyone else who says YANBU. 2 weeks really is taking the piss.

I cant see any of the other partners of the blokes going being impressed with it either.

ViviPru · 25/11/2011 11:32

Amazed that some militant hasn't come along and posed the situation from a reversed roles PoV. Not quite so easy with this one is it? Always find it infinitely tiresome when people do that.

EMS23 · 25/11/2011 11:32

I had PND which reared it's head when my DD was 2 days old. I couldn't even get to grips with what time I was meant to feed my DD, how to bath her, anything. I went from being super independent to really really needing my DH overnight.
Genuinely really really needing him.

YANBU and I hope he changes his mind.

mummakaz · 25/11/2011 11:40

I would go bloody ape shit, 2 weeks is far to long with a newborn