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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want DP to go on this stag do?

268 replies

thatspanishgirl · 25/11/2011 09:02

Just need some outside opinions, please.

DP's best friend is getting married and they've decided to have a holiday instead of the normal night down the bar. This is sort of a tradition with their group of friends - any time one gets married they all take a 3 or 4 day break to Spain or somewhere similar. I've never had a problem with this - DP works hard and deserves a few days away.

But, DP's BF has decided that 4 days isn't long enough obviously and they need to go away for two weeks! I'm not happy with this as the holiday will be at the end of January - when, praying all is well, we will have a 4 week old baby.

DP doesn't see this as a problem as he will be here for the birth, the first couple of weeks and "after all, they don't really do much at that age, do they?" Well no maybe they don't but I would still like him here, with us, spending our first couple of months as a family.

Added to this, they're going to Turkey this year so if anything was to go wrong then he'd be a 5 and a half hour flight away. Of course he reckons this isn't a problem and he can get home asap if needed.

What do you think?

OP posts:
coraltoes · 25/11/2011 09:46

Hahaha what a fucknut. Four weeks in you have had nearly 30 nights of broken sleep, if you are breastfeeding you have probably had a few cluster sessions which have left you tired, your nipples may be extremely sore, your baby may have entered the colic period of life, your baby will be more wakeful than the first two weeks of life, you might be developing baby blues (not pnd, just blues), your body will be screaming for a break, your mind will be screaming for a break

And instead of a break you'll have 2 weeks on your own to realise what a fucker your partner is and plan how to divorce him.

pigletmania · 25/11/2011 09:46

He has got to grow up, his priorities have got to change now! He cannot go on 2 week stag benders anymore with a child and partner at home.

BarfTheHeraldAngelsHeave · 25/11/2011 09:47

I am making a very rare trip into AIBU to tell you that of course you're not being unreasonable and your other half is a tit.

Babies are incredibly hard work at that age.

sunshineoutdoors · 25/11/2011 09:51

Agree that even a couple of days is too long that early. Baby can be up all night, both of you need to be there to share baby jiggling duties so the other parent can catch up on sleep. If he has to go he should book flights so he only stays two nights then comes back to be with his family (although I think this is still too much at that early stage, my dh did a two night stag do when our dd was 12 weeks, and only then because it was his brother's stag do). Hate this attitude that the father can just fuck off and still enjoy life as before, whereas mother has to stay home all the time. I do hope think that once baby is born he won't want to leave you for that long.

Original poster
thatspanishgirl · 25/11/2011 09:51

Okay, you all are really fast.

scotsgirl23, very good point which I will raise thank you - although I'm starting to get a little uncomfortable already so think I might be pulling my hair out if I'm two weeks overdue!

Grumpla, he's not usually such a twat, no! He's usually quite sensible well, sometimes but loses himself a bit when his friends get involved and are swanning around without a care in the world.

SaraSidle, I definitely won't be paying for it! He works for his dad and business is doing well but work isn't always guaranteed (like any job now I guess) so it would be money that we could use later.

Shakirasma, I would quite like to see his face if I told him I was off for a holiday Grin

LadyBeagleEyes, I only know 3 of his friend's wives but their children are 5+ and although I doubt that's any easier, they said they were generally okay about them going although no-one is pleased it's for so long.

Trying to reply to the posts with questions but I am reading them all so thank you everyone for your posts!

OP posts:
sunshineoutdoors · 25/11/2011 09:51

YANBU

irnbruguzzler · 25/11/2011 09:52

Does he not want this baby? He's not much of a dad and doesnt even deserve to be one acting like this.

MrsTittleMouse · 25/11/2011 09:52

I agree with Grumpla - it's the assumption that looking after the baby is "woman's work" that would annoy me the most (reading between the lines of the OP). His mates have the attitude that the man only needs to be around if the baby is doing something interesting, and it sounds as though he is in a group of mates that are prioritising the lads group over the wives/girlfriends/children.

Are you the first couple to have a baby? In that case, they are just ignorant, but now is the time to explain that, stuff the baby, you will need to have him around in the early stages, as you will have just given birth, and you will be very tired looking after a newborn with no family nearby.

From our experience, DH and I feel that the first 6 weeks are a special time, when you are basically in the "newborn zone" and you should be very gentle with yourselves. We didn't even try to get stuff done beyond keeping everyone fed and clean (and employed in the case of the DH :)) the second time around, because we realised that it just isn't worth running around and getting knackered. After 6 weeks, the baby starts to get the hang of being in the world, hopefully you will feel much better after giving birth (CS or VB), and you can start thinking about the rest of life again.

Of course, we learned this the hard way, after doing way too much after DD1 was born, which resulting in me bleeding heavily for over 6 weeks and making myself ill. :(

statueofliberty · 25/11/2011 09:55

Two weeks is just ridiculous! Needs to re think, he'll be a father by then. Not being personal but how does he get that time off work or afford it. Just no way I'd agree, few nights fill ya boots.two weeks taking the p##s.

Yesmynameis · 25/11/2011 09:56

Never mind whether you could manage or not, I can't believe he actually WANTS to go!

Your DC will have altered and developed so much in the space of 2 weeks that your DP probably won't even recognise his own child :(

Just to put this in perspective, my DH refused point blank to go to his works Xmas do (wouldn't even go to the meal) when DD was 4 weeks old. This wasn't because he thought I wouldn't cope, but because he wanted to be with DD as much as he could. Which doesn't mark him out as superdad, but is just the behaviour which would be expected of any new smitten Daddy, surely?

YABVVVR indeed to accept the idea of a few days away imo. 2 weeks is just ridiculous, and a totally shocking suggestion on his part

tigermoll · 25/11/2011 09:57

If he goes on holiday, he basically owes you two weeks of total, round-the-clock childcare.

I wonder how you'll spend it......

statueofliberty · 25/11/2011 09:57

Sorry just read bit about working for family.

SantaDesperatelySeeksSedatives · 25/11/2011 09:57

YANBU and I think your DH has a fucking cheek even thinking this is ok. 2 weeks?! weeks after the birth of yours and his first baby?! "They don't do much" this is true but they do do alot of: crying, feeding and poos. IME. I was exhausted at times and it really helped handing the baby over to DP whenever I got a chance.

loopylou6 · 25/11/2011 09:59

I'm not normally so dramatic, but if my DH was perfectly prepared to leave me alone at a time when I would be feeling vulnerable and with a new born to look after, it would be a deal breaker for me because I'd lose respect for him.

The first couple of weeks with a newborn, especially a first newborn is like living in a different world, its difficult, tiring, emotional and you should be supported by your partner.

pigletmania · 25/11/2011 10:01

Oh so he would not be happy if you did the same, what makes him think your happy with it! Extremely selfish and self centred IMO! You have to put your foot down. What if your two weeks overdue or you have tohave a c section, or anything happenes. Has he considered that! Bloody he'll he had a lot of growing up to do. Even if my dc was much older, if he was not happy with me doing the same, than he would not be going.

Original poster
thatspanishgirl · 25/11/2011 10:01

irnbruguzzler, We'd been ttc for about four years and were about to have our first round of IVF when I finally fell pregnant so it is a much longed for child. He's seemed excited about it.

I guess I just thought he was being a twat but reading your replies has really made me see that things don't always go the way he want them to and that well, he is being a twat.

He's at work now though so I'll have to wait until he comes home to talk to him properly about it and raise all your great points and pass them off as my own.

Thank you all, really.

OP posts:
venusandmars · 25/11/2011 10:01

Perhaps it's all an elaborate plot? Your DP's friends with kids knew that there was no way their wives would have let them go on a 4 day stag-do so soon after the birth of a baby, so they've concocted a 2 week holiday. By comparison 'compromising' and having 'only' 4 days looks like a good option, to which the OP would readily agree. She would be supported in her decision by many mn-ers who would post that 2 weeks was ridiculous, but that 4 days was OK. Result!

Nah, these men don't sound as though they are that clever Hmm

letmehelp · 25/11/2011 10:01

Santa's right. The need to hand the baby over for a minute is huge at that age. There were days (with my first) when I needed DH home, becasue that was my first chance all day to go to the loo! Don't get me wrong, having your first baby is amazing (and a fanstastic thing to share with a loving DP!) but it's impossible to describe just how hard those first 6 weeks are

MrsTittleMouse · 25/11/2011 10:01

Ah, so some of his friends do have children. In that case, I think it's a group of "lads" all being selfish gits together. They are probably mostly decent men on their own, but in a group only think about their mates and stuff everyone else. :(

For what it's worth, I think that your case is different from his friends' wives. I have two children who are 3 and 5, and I could cope if DH had to be away for two weeks (although it would be knackering and I would want lots of brownie points!). I genuinely could not have coped if either of mine was under 6 weeks. :(

Original poster
thatspanishgirl · 25/11/2011 10:02

*the way we want them to.

OP posts:
SqueezeMeBakingPowder · 25/11/2011 10:04

I think that once your baby is here, your dp will feel VERY differently about leaving you and baby for 2 weeks!
My dh was rather complacent while I was pregnant, he wanted ds but wasn't really excited and was under the impression he'd like ds once he was here and eventually love him...How wrong he was. The minute ds was out, dh never wanted to leave his side. He loved him immensely the minute he saw him, and was absolutely mortified when he had to leave us at hospital. Since then, he has HATED ever having to leave ds, even for a day, like if he has to stay late at work he can't stand not seeing ds.
You need to tell your dp that he will feel so differently about the baby once it's here, that he won't be able to leave you for such a long time! I bet you!

kreecherlivesupstairs · 25/11/2011 10:04

Too late for me to join the YANBU party for all the points listed.
I think four days in Turkey is too many, the longest my DH has been on a stag was a weekend and that was 20 odd years ago.
I was very Hmm when he said what the plan was. Car ferry to Holland, two hours shopping, then back.
We didn't even have DD then.
Out of interest, why Turkey?

MsVestibule · 25/11/2011 10:06

Fecking hell! I've read about some knobbish behaviour on AIBU, but this really does take the Biscuit. When my first baba was 2 weeks old, I was seriously pissed off with my DH for staying late at the pub! As others have said, he obviously sees looking after the baby as your job, which us not a good way to start.

I'm not normally one for telling my DH what to do (although that's normally to my detriment), but I would tell him if he went on this, he wouldn't be welcome back. And mean it.

Original poster
thatspanishgirl · 25/11/2011 10:07

venusandmars, are you one of them?? Wink I honestly wouldn't mind 4 days, okay I'd probably call him all the names under the sun for it and it definitely wouldn't be easy but I understand he wants to celebrate with his BF - but why the hell do they need 2 weeks?! Does anyone need 2 weeks to say "congratulations on getting married?"

:(

OP posts:
timetoask · 25/11/2011 10:09

what on earth are they planning to do for TWO WEEKS!!! ridiculous.