To think that this boy's mother was wrong to let him go to school wearing a dress.

[uglypotato]

Boy A is 4, in reception. Likes wearing dresses and skirts. I think that's fair enough and I have a tutu and several lovely swishy cloaks in the dressing up box for my DSs (Y2 and YR) too. Who doesn't?

But A's mum bought him a school dress, and let him go to school in it. While I think the world should be a caring, tolerant place where no-one bats an eyelid at this sort of thing, it's not. In reality, small children will laugh and tease. Other infants may look small to us, but to 4yo boys they are life-size and can be terrifying. And they will remember that A went to school in a dress and label him.

I can see that this is fine for a 10yo say, who feels that they're in the wrong gender body. At this age, peers can think things through, empathise and accept. But not a 4yo who likes dressing up. He's just meat for bullies now, surely?

A's mum is very nice, and I'm sure if the world was full of people like her, it would be a great place to live: she has a generous, open personality and is very kind and friendly. But she seems to have set her son up for bullying. He's seen as a bit of a loner by others in our kids' class and this hasn't made him more popular. Now she's marked her and her son out as odd in the eyes of the mothers at the school. I want to live in a world where it's ok to send your son to school in girl's uniform, but I don't think that's reality. AIBU?

I do understand wanting children to fit in and so on, don't think I don't.

I just find it sad because dressing up is such a normal thing, so many little boys seem to go through a period of wanting to wear their sisters' clothes ... shame it has to set them apart.

It may be a shame-but it isn't an ideal world and it never will be. The playground is the place they learn to socialise and fit in with others. We all have to fit in to a certain extent. I agree with AKMD and liberal parents should think of the consequences before they project their own values. The DS may not thank his mother in later years-in fact he may resent her-not a risk that I would take.

I know it's not an ideal world. But that doesn't excuse bullying.

I think it is unfair to talk about the parents projecting their own values - indulging a child's choice may not be what you'd do, but it's not like the impetus to wear the dress comes from the parents having some kind of personal crusade.

I think if you think how it'd sound if the issue wasn't gender but race, it'd come across very differently and no-one would be talking about fitting in.

I fail to see how this is in any way comparable to race. Clothes are a choice. You aren't born wearing clothes

The mother bought the dress for her child, knowing that it was a school dress and he would want to wear it to school. She either dressed him in the dress for school or allowed him to wear the dress to school. She knows that it is not normal or socially acceptable for boys to wear dresses to school. She knows that children will be teased for the smallest thing and so she is making her DS stand out like a sore thumb knowing that it will cause him trouble. For what? To let him have his own way? Or to make a point that she is just so open and accepting that she will allow her very young child to defy social norms at any cost? Either way it's not on.

But it's not ok to bully someone for a choice either.

It is comparable to race. Fifty years ago, people would have been saying that a black child could expect to be bullied if he or she wanted to do things that were considered only for white people. And 'no dogs, no Irish' signs are not that far in the past. It's all 'choice' - you can 'choose' not to go into a B&B that says 'no dogs, no Irish'. But that doesn't mean it's therefore ok for someone to put up that sign.

The parents on here talking about not standing out themselves, or wanting their children to fit in, presumably are also happy though that there are others in the world that do want to stand out, or be different, or just be themselves rather than following sheep-like. I'm not a natural extrovert, my clothes choices are relatively dull, but I love the fact that other people do different stuff, lead the pack, and generally liven things up!

Just because this boy wants to wear a dress, and his parents have supported him in that, doesn't mean all children have to do it, or that all parents would like their children to do it. But surely we can just let them get on with it? If our kids ask why, then just say that he likes it and that's fine. No big deal, no encouragement to bully, just individuals doing what makes them happy without harming others, whether that's being an individual, an 'outsider', or a blending-in crowd follower.

It would be fine if it were the child's choice and he was old enough to understand what he was doing. However, the mum bought the dress and he is 4. All little boys want to wear dresses at some point but their parents are sensible enough to explain to them that they don't wear them to school. This is for the child's sake. In this case, this is all about the mum, not the child.

As a similar one I can remember dd2 and her friends being a bit when one of the boys said his favourite colour was pink in reception. They were a bit giggly about it, and did still remember it a couple of years later when one of them referred to it. The boy was popular and they liked him, so I don't think there was any teasing at all, but it shows how ingrained it is even at reception, and that they continue to remember it for some time afterwards.
If he was mine I would worry that it would be something that could develop into bullying later.

My ds (year R) does ballet, and that raises a few eyebrows among the girls. The parents generally think it's a really good thing.

It's not remotely comparable to race...not even in the slightest.

You can take a dress off and keep it at home

You can't do the same with your skin

Comparing this situation with hair colour/glasses/weight is ridiculous.

You are born with a specific hair colour (ok you can change it but not until older)
You don't choose wether to wear glasses (but contact lenses are an option, but not, I suspect for a young child)

Height/weight,change within reason.

But the act of putting on clothes is a physical act, and personal choice.

you can change hair colour any time you want.
You don't HAVE to wear glasses.

You can lose weight.

Worra is right though, this is in no way comparable to race.

Hmm. I think you are being a bit unreasonable.
I don't see a problem with a 4 yr old boy wearing a dress. Or wearing a dress to school - on non uniform day like a dressy up dress.
Am a bit as to why he was wearing a school dress though. Does A's mum have dd's or did she specifically buy it for him?

Perhaps he has sensory issues and dresses are morw comfortable than trousers? Perhaps he just likes to wear dresses and it was the only way his mum could get him out of the door to school that day.
Ime children are a lot more tolerant than we give them credit for.

If we prevent children from being individual at a young age, we will only further perpuate the the thought that different is bad.
Surely if our children can express themselves in front of others their generation is more likely grow up to be more accepting of things outside what many of us adults see as the norm?

Sounds like it's the mothers at the school who have the problem here.

"Now she's marked her and her son out as odd in the eyes of the mothers at the school"

^Sounds like it's the mothers at the school who have the problem here.

"Now she's marked her and her son out as odd in the eyes of the mothers at the school"^

I really hate this kind of thing: "I can do whatever I want and if everyone else has a problem with it then they're the ones with a problem." Society has norms, most of which don't make sense but are what makes a society in the first place. We are social beings. If you want to challenge a norm then go and wear ridiculous clothes yourself, don't do it through a 4 year old.

Hmm...at 2yo ds went through a phase of only wanting to wear skirts or dresses, and I let him then. But I'm not sure I would now at nearly 4...maybe to a friends house, not to preschool unless it was a dressing up day (in which case he can wear whatever he wants and if that's a princess dress then so be it). His favourite colour is still pink and I'll happily let him have the pink version of toys (he has a pink kiddizoom for example). But if he wanted to wear a skirt to school next year I think I'd try to steer him away. Which is sad really.

We've had several threads in the past with DCs who won't get out of their pajamas, or insist on wearing a superman top.

I've always agreed that a sensible option is to take them in dressed as they wish, with the proper uniform in a bag. The teacher can usually talk them out of their obsession and into the correct clothes in 2 minutes.
Perhaps the boy has just been going on and on about wanting to wear a dress to school, and the mum has explained that the teacher won't like it, (and maybe that the other children will laugh).

The Mum and teacher may have hatched this plan together, to let him work out for himself that the clothes don't actually change him.

If he really wants to be a girl, the clothes won't make any difference, in the long run he'll do what feels right for him.

It is not inevitable that he will be teased or remembered for it forever, unless OP the mums keep reminding their children to keep the joke bullying going.

Do we know whether teasing DID occur, or is the OP merely supposing, on someone else's behalf, that it DID occur?

If it did presumably the mother / child would make a decision about whether to wear a dress again the next day. If one day's teasing damages a child for life, we would all be very damaged.

What a complete fuss about nothing.

of course YANBU!!!
Ye Gods!!

In a more minor way, I was dressed very 'differently' to my peers at junior school, I went to a typical council estate school where everyone was wearing jeans and t-shirts, but I wasn't allowed jeans, so wore lovely frilly little-girl skirts, which in a different school would have been completely the norm (e.g. Cloth Kits- remember those?) but absolutely wasn't at the school I attended.

It's not about being called names, very few people remarked on it, and the one time I was made fun of, the school clamped down on it. But, I was painfully aware of being different and it was not a nice, life-enhancing, personality-building experience, it was awkward and actually rather a nasty thing to do to your child.

Again, I feel like I'm saying this everywhere today, it's attention-seeking at its finest ('look at me, I'm so cool, I have a son who wears a dress'). If the child wants to wear a dress on dressing up day, fine. Deliberately wearing a dress when there's a good gender-neutral uniform (my girls wear trousers and tops) is just attention-seeking for no good reason IMO.

Do we know whether teasing DID occur, or is the OP merely supposing, on someone else's behalf, that it DID occur?

Thankfully the school made him change into PE shirt and trousers during registration.

Twice as a teacher I've encountered this,

1. A boy from nursery/reception onwards was very detemined to be a girl. He'd put his sister's skirt on at the last minute before school resulting in many lates as mum tried to dress him in trousers. He'd take make-up and applied itat school. He only played with girls and used the girls toilets. He'd hold it and wet himself if teachers guided him to the boys (btw we eventually compromised on using the unisex disabled toilet). By the end of year one mum gave upa bought him his own skirt and stopped having haircut wars. I don't know how he's getting on now but in year 2 all was the same, the whole school unquestioningly accepted him. His family were intially VERY against it, not a liberal lot, but came to accept him as he was. I understand completely. This was a very extreme case, I don't know what the mum in your story has been through at home making this decision.

1. One boy generally was very happy in himself but always wanted to play female parts in the plays. In the year 6 production I knew we'd have a lot of guests, including those from the high school he was soon to attend. After a chat he chose to still wear a dress, wig and full make up and was the star of the show. A few laughed but he had fn and his (very macho) Dad supported him fully. I believe it was no more than an interest in certain dramatic roles.

If it's only the parents who have a problem with it, and not the staff or other pupils, then does it matter?

interesting how most posters on this thread focus on what the boy's mum should or shouldn't do. DO we actually know this is the actions of the mother, or do we just know the boy was in school in a dress?
If the mum in question is a LP, fair enough, but I don't think the OP said that

stealthpolarbear I know (as A's mum told me) that A asked for the dress and the mum bought it. A asked to wear it to school and the mum said yes. She is not a LP but her partner is away reasonably often.

I don't have a black-and-white view on this, which is why I posted here. My initial reaction was to think the mum was not right to do this, but I'm fairly liberal and idealistic myself and was troubled by my reaction - for reasons expounded well by others on this thread. But at the end of the day, realism wins for me, and I know I wouldn't allow my own DSs to do this, if the situation were as I understand it is for this child.