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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that this boy's mother was wrong to let him go to school wearing a dress.

228 replies

uglypotato · 22/11/2011 21:39

Boy A is 4, in reception. Likes wearing dresses and skirts. I think that's fair enough and I have a tutu and several lovely swishy cloaks in the dressing up box for my DSs (Y2 and YR) too. Who doesn't?

But A's mum bought him a school dress, and let him go to school in it. While I think the world should be a caring, tolerant place where no-one bats an eyelid at this sort of thing, it's not. In reality, small children will laugh and tease. Other infants may look small to us, but to 4yo boys they are life-size and can be terrifying. And they will remember that A went to school in a dress and label him.

I can see that this is fine for a 10yo say, who feels that they're in the wrong gender body. At this age, peers can think things through, empathise and accept. But not a 4yo who likes dressing up. He's just meat for bullies now, surely?

A's mum is very nice, and I'm sure if the world was full of people like her, it would be a great place to live: she has a generous, open personality and is very kind and friendly. But she seems to have set her son up for bullying. He's seen as a bit of a loner by others in our kids' class and this hasn't made him more popular. Now she's marked her and her son out as odd in the eyes of the mothers at the school. I want to live in a world where it's ok to send your son to school in girl's uniform, but I don't think that's reality. AIBU?

OP posts:
Kayano · 22/11/2011 21:41

Deja vu

Have we had this thread before? scratches head I swear I have read this somewhere (spooky) Confused

bringmesunshine2009 · 22/11/2011 21:41

the boy should be able to wear what he wants. But I wouldn't want him to be picked on. So it's a toughie.

InDulciJubilo · 22/11/2011 21:42

He's only 4. He'll learn by experience what to wear and not to wear (his choice). Girls had a battle over years to be able to wear trousers to school. what's the difference?

thisisyesterday · 22/11/2011 21:42

yabu

lockets · 22/11/2011 21:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HappyCamel · 22/11/2011 21:44

I think it's up to her, really, presumably she thought through the things you mentioned and came to her decision.

theincredibequeenofwands · 22/11/2011 21:45

Do children even notice what each other wear?

Can't see my son thinking anything of it if a male friend wore a dress.....!

Rhinestone · 22/11/2011 21:47

Actually OP, I agree with you 100%.

It's not that kind of world and a 4 year old can't possibly understand the consequences of going to school in a dress. Sounds like his mum is making him shoulder the responsibility of making the world a more tolerant place.

Glitterandglue · 22/11/2011 21:48

So, if a boy wears a dress he may/will be bullied.

And the response to this is either:

  • Stop the boy wearing the dress, or
  • Stop the bullying.

I know which one I think I'd rather do. One of these things is wrong.

tx12noone · 22/11/2011 21:48

You reckon other 4-year-olds will bully him for this? Seriously? I mean, you may be right for all I know, but I wouldn't my kids in the school yours go to!

WorraLiberty · 22/11/2011 21:49

Sorry I don't believe this story

TotemPole · 22/11/2011 21:50

Haven't there been some photos of Beckham wearing skirts to public events?

vincettenoir · 22/11/2011 21:51

I think you're right that this will set him up for some teasing. But Sounds like this mother has bigger fish to fry and doesn't care what people think. I think she is teaching her son important values about freedom of expression and breaking convention. Ynbu not to want to bring your son to school on a dress. But ybu to assume she's made a big mistake. On the scale of things she sounds pretty switched on to me.

SirBoobAlot · 22/11/2011 21:55

I don't think she forced him to wear a dress, and is psobably totally aware of exactly what people will be thinking. She must have made the choice she thought was best for her child, as we all do, and in this instance its that he is happier in a dress. Full respect to her, and to him - even at four you are aware that boys "don't" wear dresses.
And if the other mums want to act like little bitchy cliques, then let them. She sounds happy enough in her family not to need their approval.

WhereMyMilk · 22/11/2011 21:57

Difficult. My DS (same age) happily toddles round the house in Cinderella's wedding dress plus glass slippers and full makeup! He has an older sister who encourages it too. paints his nails,expresses himself as he wishes.
But I don't think he would choose to go to school in a girls uniform TBH. Not sure I'd offer either TBF as I wouldn't want him singalled out. I know what I'd get too though, which would be a sighed no mummy, pass me my trousers...

WorraLiberty · 22/11/2011 22:00

Why are people concentrating on 4yr olds teasing him?

If it's an Infant school, the ages will range from 4-7yrs and if it's a Primary, 4-11yrs.

Most parents bend over backwards to try to ensure their child settles in at school.

To allow a child that young to wear a dress in a situation where he can't possibly understand what he's letting himself in for, is bordering on neglect of his emotional well being.

As an aside, I wonder how the school has taken the breech of uniform policy?

MogTheForgetfulCat · 22/11/2011 22:02

I don't think 4yos really bully each other, do they? Really bullying?

I have had this sort of issue with my oldest 2 DSs, both of whom love wearing dresses and the like. Every time I go shoe shopping with DS1, particularly to buy school shoes, he gravitates towards the girls' shoes because they are so much nicer - shiny! sparkly! But I have bought him shoes from the boys' range. And then I feel really mean - why not buy the ones he likes, why am I being so blinkered and gender-specific? Why can't shoes just be shoes?

But I don't want him to be picked on - not by his classmates, but by the older children in the school. But then, I agree that sort of behaviour should be unacceptable, and he should be able to wear girls' shoes if he likes.

My compromise has been to buy him (and DS2) Gumbies boots for out of school (they are a kind of Croc/Ugg hybrid Confused) in pink. They look fab, and no really negative comments so far (apart from next door's DD, who is not, imo, a very nice little girl Sad). They are happy with them, I am happy that they have some 'girly' shoes albeit not for school.

I don't know what the answer is. I think saying your friend has 'set her DS up for bullying' and 'marked him out as odd' is a bit feeble and defeatist, and almost implies that teasing/bullying is inevitable and there's nothing that can be done about that. But I don't let my DS wear girls' shoes to school precisely because I don't want him to be picked on - I was bullied at school, it is heartbreaking Sad. Dunno.

Original poster
uglypotato · 22/11/2011 22:03

Perhaps bullying was too strong a description. What I meant was marking A out, giving children an opportunity to label him in a negative way. The staff deal with bullying reasonably well IMO. There's lots of proactive stuff about being kind and not leaving people to play by themselves. And yet - there's something I can't quite put my finger on - A is already a bit on the periphery in the class. I think that my own inclination is to help my children fit in, to help them see how their actions and behaviour could be perceived by others. I think this has isolated A a bit more - even if kids aren't unkind to him as a result, even if there isn't any direct bullying, wearing a dress to school is like a big arrow saying "hey, I'm different", and there's a strong instinct towards peer pressure at that age.

Perhaps IABU, but all the same, I think if my DS2 asked to wear a skirt to school I think I'd tell him that the boys' uniform was trousers. I guess it's not the same though - I don't know how strong A's attachment for skirts and dresses is (although when he's played with DS2 he's usually in shorts or combats).

OP posts:
RitaMorgan · 22/11/2011 22:06

I doubt it's an issue in Reception.

Original poster
uglypotato · 22/11/2011 22:06

Worra I'm not a troll, but I have namechanged as there are several MNers at our school (I believe - although I haven't actually stalked them enough to confirm).

The school's reaction was to get him to change during registration, into a PE shirt and a spare pair of trousers.

OP posts:
rookiemater · 22/11/2011 22:06

I agree with the OP. Yes in an ideal world children should be able to wear what they want, but children even small ones notice differences and so do adults.

Will every parent when asked by their small child why X is wearing a dress to class be able to come up with the appropriate PC answer, and when a small proportion of them don't and the children come in repeating what the parent has said, what action will the school take to handle it?

Yes schools should of course have an anti bullying policy, but allowing your DS to wear a dress to school feels like social suicide for the boy.

SmilingHappyBeaver · 22/11/2011 22:07

YANBU. His mother sounds like a complete nut-job. Poor kid.

WorraLiberty · 22/11/2011 22:08

That's exactly what I would say..."You can wear it at home, but not to school because the school has a uniform policy, we need to stick to"

In the same way as kids can't wear heels or jewellery

No need to mention bullying or anything else.

Grockle · 22/11/2011 22:09

My DS wore a witchy dress (and wizard cape & various other bits) to school on a 'wear something wacky' day for comic relief. He was 5 & determined it would be funny/ silly but ok. I warned him that people might be silly & laugh or say something but in the end I let him decide. Needless to say, some people (including parents) were bitchy & horrid but DS handled it amazingly well. I am glad I let him make his own choice & am very proud of how he dealt with it.

YABU & it's not your business. Let them be.

TotemPole · 22/11/2011 22:11

It isn't just about what happens now at school.

What if it's just a phase he's going through and in a few years time he could still be being taunted about it.