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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that this boy's mother was wrong to let him go to school wearing a dress.

228 replies

uglypotato · 22/11/2011 21:39

Boy A is 4, in reception. Likes wearing dresses and skirts. I think that's fair enough and I have a tutu and several lovely swishy cloaks in the dressing up box for my DSs (Y2 and YR) too. Who doesn't?

But A's mum bought him a school dress, and let him go to school in it. While I think the world should be a caring, tolerant place where no-one bats an eyelid at this sort of thing, it's not. In reality, small children will laugh and tease. Other infants may look small to us, but to 4yo boys they are life-size and can be terrifying. And they will remember that A went to school in a dress and label him.

I can see that this is fine for a 10yo say, who feels that they're in the wrong gender body. At this age, peers can think things through, empathise and accept. But not a 4yo who likes dressing up. He's just meat for bullies now, surely?

A's mum is very nice, and I'm sure if the world was full of people like her, it would be a great place to live: she has a generous, open personality and is very kind and friendly. But she seems to have set her son up for bullying. He's seen as a bit of a loner by others in our kids' class and this hasn't made him more popular. Now she's marked her and her son out as odd in the eyes of the mothers at the school. I want to live in a world where it's ok to send your son to school in girl's uniform, but I don't think that's reality. AIBU?

OP posts:
lifeinthemidlands · 22/11/2011 22:11

I don't think my 4 and 6 year old would pay much attention TBH. Not because they're unusually accepting but because at that age they don't realise how constrained the norms are for things like dress. I really don't think they'd "label' him - they don't have the same pre-conceptions as adults and older children. I think older children in the school may be more of an issue, but that's more a case of ensuring older kids don't pick on younger ones.

WorraLiberty · 22/11/2011 22:12

Grockle that's totally different to turning up to school in a dress every day

Grockle · 22/11/2011 22:12

Breech of uniform policy? Schools are not legally allowed to say that dresses are for girls.

MenopausalHaze · 22/11/2011 22:14

Yes - we've had this thread before. Not from this OP - at least, not in this name, but it wasn't that long ago. Descended into a frightful bunfight if I remember correctly.

Grockle · 22/11/2011 22:14

Yes, it is different. But if the child and parent are happy then I don't see the problem. Then again, I've worked with boys with gender issues who wore girls clothes so maybe I see it differently.

WorraLiberty · 22/11/2011 22:15

The uniform policy clearly states boys uniforms and girls uniforms on the prospectus Grockle

Enforcing it would of course be a different matter because it would no doubt throw up all sorts of sexual equality arguments.

LordOfTheFlies · 22/11/2011 22:15

My DS would sooner eat his own spleen!

When his old school did a dress in pink for Breast Cancer Awareness Day, the pupils were allowed to dress in plain clothes but had to wear something pink.
DS borrowed a pink top from DD.He wore a Bart Simpson T Shirt on top so only his arms showed.
Some of the other boys wore a tiny bit of pink, like a stripe on a top or a badge.

My DS has never asked for pink clothes and TBH I wouldn't buy them.

Yourefired · 22/11/2011 22:15

Let the child be. A couple of children in DD1's class dressed differently in the early years and they are now, many years later, two of the nicest kids about. Interestingly one mother who dressed her DD up to the nines in the latest mainstream kid-trend has produced a self-important madam. Hardly scientific but makes you think. It is ok, actually it's better than ok it's interesting, to be different and the sooner children learn this the better.

MenopausalHaze · 22/11/2011 22:15

And anyway - as usual I agree with worra (she who speaks sense consistantly!) - this story is made up!

MeconiumHappens · 22/11/2011 22:15

YANBU. No matter how idealistic we try to be about it, he wil be singled out, he will be judged and i think his mother should be protecting him from this at an age where he is unable to consider the consequences. I find it hard to believe that anyone would send their male child to school in a dress...

WorraLiberty · 22/11/2011 22:18

That's a bloody slur if ever I've heard one MHaze Shock Grin

MincePieFlavouredVoidka · 22/11/2011 22:19

YABU.

I think one of the best lessons a parent can teach a child is that its okay to be different, and not to let what other people think of you make you want to change.

MenopausalHaze · 22/11/2011 22:20

Yeah actually worra - what I meant to say was talks shite right out of her arse all day every day

Soz for the misunderstanding!

WorraLiberty · 22/11/2011 22:21

All 3 of my boys used to walk around my house in my high heels when they were little.

Would I let them outside the house in them?

NO

Has it done any of them any kind of lasting damage to be told no?

NO

Moominsarescary · 22/11/2011 22:21

What's wrong with pink for boys? Both ds16 and ds8 have pink tops, ds8 even dyed his hair pink one year, I think he was 5 at the time

As for dresses ( not including witchy outfits) I'm not so sure, they're not all 4 years old and there are some pretty mean 5-6 year olds about he could be bullied for years

And yes stopping bullying would be the ideal solution but unfortunately it's not going to happen

WorraLiberty · 22/11/2011 22:22

Phew thanks MHaze Grin

MenopausalHaze · 22/11/2011 22:23

Funnily enough I was reminiscing only a week or so ago about how my DS headed straight for the wardrobe and the ladies' shoes whenever he went to play with his friend, DS of my very good friend. He loved the shoes and the shiny handbags! But go to school dressed as a girl? I think not and rightly so!

ExcitedElectrons · 22/11/2011 22:25

OP YANBU.

Harsh reality is the boy MAY (not definitely) be picked on. Kids that young do get picked on, it's not all sunshine and rainbows and "oh my child wears whatever he/she wants as they make their own decisions" - I'm sorry but I agree with you 100%, the mother should not have put him in a dress to school.

WorraLiberty · 22/11/2011 22:26

Well exactly MHaze

And I have to say this...

For all of those saying he should be able to 'express himself', since when did self expression at such a young age mean the child has to get their own way?

"No, wait til you're older" Is not a filthy expression and the child will learn this if he ever wants a tattoo, piercings or anything else that's not age appropriate.

ExcitedElectrons · 22/11/2011 22:29

I think one of the best lessons a parent can teach a child is that its okay to be different, and not to let what other people think of you make you want to change.

No, as I said the harsh reality is it's NOT OK to be different. Of course we know it's fine and perfectly acceptable to be different and nowadays no one batters an eyelid - but children do and children judge. They do not have the knowledge and acceptance we possess and bullying can be a result.

MincePieFlavouredVoidka · 22/11/2011 22:31

If all parents taught their children that its okay to be different then attitudes might change.

My DS is quite proud to be different.

ExcitedElectrons · 22/11/2011 22:32

But other children aren't brought up the same as yours, are they?

WorraLiberty · 22/11/2011 22:34

If people want to make the world an 'ideal' one, it's best not to use their children as pawns in doing that.

Let adults start changing things...they're big enough to take it on the chin and understand what they're doing.

MenopausalHaze · 22/11/2011 22:35

Your DS is proud to be different till he has the piss ripped right out of him - is that what you meant?

I'd say the very great majority of kids devote all their energies to being the same as their peers - it was ever thus! Pity the odd one out whose well meaning but misguided parents pretty much force them to 'express' themselves and be different.

LordOfTheFlies · 22/11/2011 22:35

Why are parents so keen to let their children be different. I'm not saying we should all be clones, but why go out of the way to be so different.

My parents gave me a fecking stupid middle name- which as an adult I refuse to use and refuse to have on any legal documents.

The bullying I endured at school did not make me think "Oh my, I'm such a stronger, more tolerant rounded person because my mother decided to give me -a girl a middle name that was a boys name."
I didn't thank her. I bloody hated it. Still do.