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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that this boy's mother was wrong to let him go to school wearing a dress.

228 replies

uglypotato · 22/11/2011 21:39

Boy A is 4, in reception. Likes wearing dresses and skirts. I think that's fair enough and I have a tutu and several lovely swishy cloaks in the dressing up box for my DSs (Y2 and YR) too. Who doesn't?

But A's mum bought him a school dress, and let him go to school in it. While I think the world should be a caring, tolerant place where no-one bats an eyelid at this sort of thing, it's not. In reality, small children will laugh and tease. Other infants may look small to us, but to 4yo boys they are life-size and can be terrifying. And they will remember that A went to school in a dress and label him.

I can see that this is fine for a 10yo say, who feels that they're in the wrong gender body. At this age, peers can think things through, empathise and accept. But not a 4yo who likes dressing up. He's just meat for bullies now, surely?

A's mum is very nice, and I'm sure if the world was full of people like her, it would be a great place to live: she has a generous, open personality and is very kind and friendly. But she seems to have set her son up for bullying. He's seen as a bit of a loner by others in our kids' class and this hasn't made him more popular. Now she's marked her and her son out as odd in the eyes of the mothers at the school. I want to live in a world where it's ok to send your son to school in girl's uniform, but I don't think that's reality. AIBU?

OP posts:

BupcakesandCunting · 22/11/2011 22:37

YABU and YANBU

DS loves Hello Kitty and would LOVE a Hello Kitty rucksack but I had to say no :( At stay and play when he was a pre-schooler, he and his BF dressed up in sparkly tutus from the dressing-up box and got roundly picked on by other boys. I felt bad because I'd been letting him go to school with his nails painted really thinking that 3 year olds didn't care about that stuff.

I would love a world where people could just wear what the fuck they wanted and no-one else judged.

exoticfruits · 22/11/2011 22:38

I don't believe the story-parents wouldn't do it to a DC. (or I hope they wouldn't)

TotemPole · 22/11/2011 22:43

uglypotato, why does he like wearing dresses and skirts. Is it a gender issue? Or is a comfort issue?

exoticfruits · 22/11/2011 22:49

If it is true, the ins and outs don't really matter.Other DCs will think it weird, it will pass through the school like lightening and he will ever after be remembered as 'the boy who wore the dress'.You can disagree all you like but that is what will happen-even if someone talks to them about choices and stereotyping it will still happen.

ExcitedElectrons · 22/11/2011 22:51

Cannot believe the amount of holier-than-thou "I encourage my child to be different" posts...

Do you really not have any idea of stereotyping, judging and teasing?

WorraLiberty · 22/11/2011 22:52

Exactly and think of the possible resentment that boy may have for his parents when he's old enough to realise the implications?

Blimey, I never forgave my Mum for sending me to school with a gappy, home cut fringe....and that was fairly normal when I was a kid.

manicinsomniac · 22/11/2011 22:58

Hmmm, I don't know if YABU or not.

If the child was older I would probably advise them against it because of bullying. I don't think at 4 it's that important though.

Having said that, my 4 year old daughter came out of school crying the other day because 'Alfie didn't notice my new hair ribbons' ! I was a bit taken aback as to how I've produced a boy mad, girly girl, conceited 4 year old but hey ho! :p

I think it's sad that boys and girls can't wear what they please for fear of their peers but one child can't change the world and, sadly, if it's going to be a choice of happy or different I'd pick happy for my children.

Boys wear I work adore pink though - pink ralph lauren polo shirt with the collar turned up = height of cool!

manicinsomniac · 22/11/2011 22:59

where I work that should read - freudian slip?!

Original poster

uglypotato · 22/11/2011 23:05

Totem afaik it's not a gender issue, but then perhaps children of this age wouldn't have a clear enough concept of gender for it to be one. He wears trousers when we see him out of school, including at our house. I don't know about comfort issue. I think he just likes dressing up in girly stuff. As do my two from time to time, although they haven't asked to go to school in it. (And I don't think they would, and I wouldn't fork out for a school dress as I'm a tightfisted old miseryguts :o)

MenopausalHaze I'm not going to namechange to my usual persona just to reassure you. Please read the rubrik at the top of the page saying "we don't allow troll-hunting". If you think I'm making it up, report me .

If anyone can point me to the similar thread I'd be interested, as it's certainly within the realms of possibility that a primary school with 2-form entry has more than one MNer among the parents.

OP posts:

AmorYCohetes · 22/11/2011 23:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 22/11/2011 23:18

If the child was older I would probably advise them against it because of bullying. I don't think at 4 it's that important though

But the point is, the 4yr olds are not locked in the classroom all day.

They share playgrounds and lunch halls with the rest of the school

Not to mention everyone who sees him on the school run walking to school in a dress.

His parents certainly aren't putting his emotional well being first...and for what? Because they either can't say 'No, not at school' to their little darling or because they're using him to make some sort of statement.

It's ludicrous imo.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 22/11/2011 23:34

Will four-year-olds really notice or care unless someone has put teh though into their heads? Who goes around telling their 4 year old that girly clothes are worth bullying on a boy?!

Are girls' things really so awful?

WorraLiberty · 22/11/2011 23:37

Oh come on LRD considering it's been pointed out more than once that not every child in the school and on the school run will be 4yrs old....and considering many 4yr olds certainly do know the difference between male and female clothing when it comes to wearing a dress to school?

Does anyone 'go round telling' anyone what is worth bullying someone about and what isn't?

LRDtheFeministDragon · 22/11/2011 23:49

Erm, are you saying it's ok to suggest to an 8 year old he can bully a 4 year old?

I don't get your point. Surely any child should be taught not to bully. But especially not to bully child younger than they are!

And yes, some people do go around telling their children that it's not ok to bully.

It is late and I hope I am missing something here, but if you're serious you are not coming across well here.

YULEingFanjo · 22/11/2011 23:51

If my 4/5 year old was bullying another child for wearing a dress I'd really worry about my parenting skills.

YULEingFanjo · 22/11/2011 23:55

similar thread?

WorraLiberty · 22/11/2011 23:57

LRD you have spectacularly missed my point, yes......

Most children are taught not to bully...yet it goes on a lot.

How does my asking Does anyone 'go round telling' anyone what is worth bullying someone about and what isn't?

In reply to your Who goes around telling their 4 year old that girly clothes are worth bullying on a boy?!

Even remotely equate to me saying it's ok to suggest to an 8 year old he can bully a 4 year old?

My point is, children bully without ever being told by anyone what is and isn't 'worth' bullying someone about.

If they see a boy wearing a dress, they'll quite likely bully him for it without having it suggested to them 'it's worth bullying about'

WorraLiberty · 23/11/2011 00:01

YULE again...I'm sure most parents would worry about their parenting skills....but it doesn't take away the fact kids are bullied for many different reasons every single day.

So why put a 4yr old in that position rather than tell them 'No, dresses are for indoors and you have to stick to the uniform policy like the other boys'?

Gaahhh!! I'm leaving this for the night cos there's a massive difference between an ideal world and the real world and I don't think some posters 'get that'.

Though I'm sure they would if their own son wanted to wear a dress to school....the reality would be a lot different to tapping "But why shouldn't he?" on a keyboard

YULEingFanjo · 23/11/2011 00:06

'you can't go to school with your glasses on, you might be bullied. Glasses are for the house only'

'You can't go to school with red hair, red hair is for home only, you might be bullied'

'You can't go to school with all that fat, fat is for the home only, you might get bullied'

Surely it makes more sense and takes less effort to all teach our kids not to bully and spend less time passing on prejudices to our kids?

Moominsarescary · 23/11/2011 00:06

Unfortunately some children don't have parents who think it is unacceptable to bully

It's likely that some parents will be telling their young children that this child wearing a dress is weird and abnormal, not all parents teach tolerance of others differences

LRDtheFeministDragon · 23/11/2011 00:07

Well, if that's what you believe I can't change your mind.

I don't believe bullying is inevitable, or natural, though.

Once women were bullied for wearing 'slacks' and vicars preached about it being sinful for women to wear trousers. Now we'd say that's ridiculous. And little girls don't get bullied for wearing trousers. Maybe if you weren't so surre a boy in the dress would inevitably be the target of bullies, your childre wouldn't pick up the idea there was some reason to bully him/think him odd?

LRDtheFeministDragon · 23/11/2011 00:08

Sorry, my last was to worra - I agree with moomin some children will not have been taught not to bully. But they should be, for the reasons yule gives.

WorraLiberty · 23/11/2011 00:14

Of course children should be taught not to bully but as you say...not all of them are taught not to.

And actually, many of those who are taught not to...still go ahead and do it.

So to send a boy to school in a girl's dress is in my opinion not looking after his emotional well being when you know damn well what bullies can be like.

The 4yr old I'm sure has no clue what bullies can be like...but I fear he's about to find out

Moominsarescary · 23/11/2011 00:22

The thing is even if he doesn't get bullied now the other children will have noticed that he's the only boy in a dress and when they get older 7-8 you can allmost garentee one of them will remember and say something about it.

Ds2 is 8 and had 3 weeks of being picked on at the bigining of term for what was in his lunch box.

WorraLiberty · 23/11/2011 00:25

He will also be sharing a school with 7-8yr olds right now

That's why I don't get all this "Oh, 4yr olds don't notice that sort of thing"

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