AIBU to be stunned that school could have sent DS 4 YR home in this state???

[sponkle]

My DS who is 4 was extremely upset when I collected him at home time this afternoon.

He was unusually the last out (they have a policy of bringing the children to the door and sending them off to parents once they have checked they are there) The TA approached me and told me that he had become upset as they were lining up at the door to leave.

It is not at all like him to be upset at pick up time and so I was asking him what the matter was and giving him a cuddle. I smelled a funny smell and asked him if he had had an accident, he said No.

The TA told me he had stepped in something. The teacher then told me he had been fine all day but that he hadn't eaten his lunch. I asked him if he needed to go inside to go to the loo and he refused, telling me he just wanted to go home. I noticed he was walking strangely as we were walking home. He was still very upset.

When we got home it was apparent that he had had an accident, so I stripped him off and put him in the bath, at which point he lost it and was crying and shaking uncontrollably.

Poor thing had had diorreah and the combination of this and being wet had left his legs incredibly swollen and bleeding and weeping as it had macerated his skin. He couldn't sit in the bath or bear to get it wet.

He couldn't sit or lie down at all and once I had managed to calm him down and clean him up as best I could without touching it, which took some time, I called the surgery to speak to the nurse. She told me to put sudocrem on it which I did and give him some calpol. He didn't sit down all afternoon.

I tried to give him another bath before bed but it was too sore for him to sit, still weeping and oozing all the way down to his knees. He is asleep now in bed, even though lying down is very sore for him.

At no point did the school call me today. it was obvious he had had an accident. When I asked him when it happened he told me at lunchtime.

I am so upset that the school didn't notice, or at least if they did call me to come and either sort it out or collect him.

AIBU??? I feel like going to talk to the Head tomorrow. he will not be at school tomorrow as he cannot even get dressed, despite having had an upset tummy. This is his first accident at school, so it isn't as if it's a regular thinh that they are fed up with dealing with. Any comments???

sorry so long, just upset.

I just find the TA comment about him stepping in something particularly odd...exactly, he would not have stepped in something at school FFS and he was clean including shoes when I took him this morning. Very odd thing to say. Does lend to thinking that she knew or suspected but didn't want to deal with it.

Very interesting Hannah31. Ok to Head I will go, calmly if I can manage it!

Your poor ds, I really hope he feels better soon. I think it's negligent that no one noticed he was out of sorts all afternoon.

Don't go in making accusations though. The chances of two responsible adults (teacher and TA) colluding to deliberately ignore his plight and then lie about it are remote. Most likely they didn't realise what had happened, especially if your son told them nothing was wrong when asked.

Oh your poor boy :(
I agree with seeing the head, explain the situation and that he won't be back until he's comfortable again.
There's absolutely no way they'd have been able to miss the pickle he was in.

YANBU at all. I would also be steaming.

I can't belive the TA trying to fob you off with "he stepped in something." If they thought he had, they should have at least looked at his shoes and gone from there. It's not brain surgery, is it?

Poor little thing :( I hope he feels better tomorrow.

Hannah you sound lovely. :)

OP your poor little ds. I feel so sad when I read stories like this.

Just to add that at my dds' primary school any accidents (poo or wee) I dealt with kindly and matter of factedly. If the child doesn't tell the teacher or ta then an older child usually notices (at playtime). If during lesson time the (lovely and experienced ta) sniffs out the problem and gently but firmly talks to the child and deals with the situation.

According to my dd (also age 4) she said something like "oh have you wet your pants, never mind let's go and sort you out". dd is quite stubborn but responded well and was soon sorted out. :)

The child (if physically able) is given wipes and clean clothes and cleans up in a cubicle with the ta outside. Not sure what happens if the child can't manage this, BUT I am sure some provision is made, whether that is the ta helping, or calling a ta to chaperone or whatever.

It is a horrible thing to have happened, but you did collect him from school, accept his answer that there was nothing wrong and walk home with him without checking to see if he was dirty, and he's your son.
You know him far better than anyone else and you didn't pick up on what had happened.
So although you need to ensure that it doesn't happen again, you have no evidence that they intentionally ignored him. He needs them to monitor him much more closely, but they can't check in the way that a parent can.

On one level I feel sad for how your DS must have been feeling, on another, just disbelief that the school could act so totally incompetently and concerned that they are not adequate carers.
You poor thing... you must be spitting pins.

Hannah - Thank goodness for teachers like you who take a common sense and compassionate approach to something like this.

OP - Terrible on the part of the school. I hope your little boy is OK tomorrow.

I also doubt that they ignored him because if a child soils there is a danger of them smearing and dripping over other areas of the classroom.
So it is in their best interests to clean up a child or to ask the parent to come in and do it if no one is available.

That's awful. Hope he feels better soon

YANBU - I am totally shocked by this post, and if it my DD (also in R) I would have not been able to control my upset and anger - I would have been into the school, and on the phone to Ofsted. Children can have accidents until they are much older than 4, and always deserve to be treated with care and respect.

I wonder if some nappy rash cream may help to soothe and heal his skin - I found metanium brilliant when one of my DDs had terrible rash with broken weepy skin.
Wishing him a speedy recover. x

Please do go and speak with them

Downbytheriverside there was clearly something wrong. I gave him a cuddle and asked him if he needed to go inside to the loo or to get sorted out. He refused. I couldn't force him as he was so upset and wanted to go straight home. I had no spare clothes with me. I took him straight home and dealt witht hings there. Good job too as I wouldn't have been able to deal with them in the same way at the school. That is not the same thing as accepting there was nothing wrong.

Words fail me on this one!

Your poor boy. As has already been stated lots of tlc and reassurance. Sorry but there is no way that any teacher or Ta worth a damn could miss that a child was in that kind of state. I agree with the advice to take someone else with you and confront the school about this. Stay calm but be very firm.

Hope your wee boy feels his normal self soon.

in my school If an accident of this magnitude is detected - The parents are phoned to come and collect the child which to be honest I would want. TA's are not supposed to clean up this kind of accident - only allowed to give change of clothes and give children wipes to use

Oh, good grief, no :(

I got called into school as soon as I got home from taking the boys in, the other week, because they thought DS1 had an accident, but he was so upset wouldn't let his 1:1 or anyone else near him to clean him up and check him out. By the time I was halfway there, someone had picked me up and said he had simply stepped in something, so they just needed me to reassure and calm him and help get him cleaned up. That is the way around the level of concern should be, ffs.

So you need to go in and have a discussion with the teacher, make sure he always has a change of clothes in school and that the school is aware of your anger and concerns. You also need to establish how far the school is willing and able to cope, for example do they have showering facilities?
Will they clean a very messy child, rather than a simple accident, or will they phone you if it is beyond their capabilities?
It needs to never get this bad again, but that means you need to work with the school so that your expectations are clear, as are their responsibilities.
I hope you are taking him to the doctor, for him to be that badly damaged is horrible, but unusual in a couple of hours I'd have thought.

Sponkle, I would have done the same as you at pick-up time ie. suspect that there WAS actually a problem and rush home to have a proper look and sort it out thoroughly. Not sure what Downbytheriverside is picking at really.

I'm another one who filled up a bit at the thought of your little boy's distress. Poor little thing! And poor you, must have been awful trying to deal with his upset and looking at the damage that had been caused.

I cannot believe that no-one noticed such a big problem. "Stepped in something" On school grounds?????? Do they have a school dog?!?! Also the fact that they had noticed that he didn't eat his lunch should have been a warning sign to them to keep a very close eye on him that afternoon to check if he was ill or something. If they WERE keeping an extra eye on him, surely they would have noticed him moving uncomfortably, even if they couldn't be arsed to bring him physically close to them and have a chat to check if he was well (when they would have noticed a smell, surely).

It sounds really worrying. I would be fuming. I think you need to get rid of your upset/sad head after tonight and get your angry head on tomorrow morning actually! There is no need for any child to be left like that. At the very least they should have called you and explained that they had noticed a smell, he hadn't eaten lunch and what would they like you to do? Just given you the OPTION to come and pick him up to check him out.

I know others have said to go and speak to school calmly, but I'm not sure going in all calmly will do much - I work in a school and sometimes it's the parents who come in a bit stroppily who get taken notice of the most! As long as what you're saying is rational and reasonable, then be as stroppy with them as you like, in my opinion!

He wont be able to go to school tomorrow so you will have to phone, and you can ask the teacher to phone you back and explain what happened.

I'm not picking at anyone, I'm just always a bit surprised that reception staff are constantly portrayed and uncaring and negligent and horrible to the 4 year olds in their care.
So he had an accident, and the staff all ignored him intentionally because they didn't want to get involved?
Why would you send your child in to a place like that if you really believed that they could ignore a basic need on purpose rather than because they are surrounded by dozens of demanding, small children and horrible smells and might not have noticed?

I work in EY and if a child soils themselves it's not something you can really miss, if you are paying attention to the classroom. I am more than happy to clean them up, too; as a joint nursery/reception where some children were still in pullups, inc SEN, I often had to. You can and should check imo, or if child is distressed and denying you can talk calmly, ring home (combined with the lunch thing this is obv a not well little boy). I'd be unhappy a) that this was neglected and b) that your ds feels unable to approach staff at school for help

there are smells and smells, down
shit down the back of the legs is distinctive imo