AIBU to be stunned that school could have sent DS 4 YR home in this state???

[sponkle]

My DS who is 4 was extremely upset when I collected him at home time this afternoon.

He was unusually the last out (they have a policy of bringing the children to the door and sending them off to parents once they have checked they are there) The TA approached me and told me that he had become upset as they were lining up at the door to leave.

It is not at all like him to be upset at pick up time and so I was asking him what the matter was and giving him a cuddle. I smelled a funny smell and asked him if he had had an accident, he said No.

The TA told me he had stepped in something. The teacher then told me he had been fine all day but that he hadn't eaten his lunch. I asked him if he needed to go inside to go to the loo and he refused, telling me he just wanted to go home. I noticed he was walking strangely as we were walking home. He was still very upset.

When we got home it was apparent that he had had an accident, so I stripped him off and put him in the bath, at which point he lost it and was crying and shaking uncontrollably.

Poor thing had had diorreah and the combination of this and being wet had left his legs incredibly swollen and bleeding and weeping as it had macerated his skin. He couldn't sit in the bath or bear to get it wet.

He couldn't sit or lie down at all and once I had managed to calm him down and clean him up as best I could without touching it, which took some time, I called the surgery to speak to the nurse. She told me to put sudocrem on it which I did and give him some calpol. He didn't sit down all afternoon.

I tried to give him another bath before bed but it was too sore for him to sit, still weeping and oozing all the way down to his knees. He is asleep now in bed, even though lying down is very sore for him.

At no point did the school call me today. it was obvious he had had an accident. When I asked him when it happened he told me at lunchtime.

I am so upset that the school didn't notice, or at least if they did call me to come and either sort it out or collect him.

AIBU??? I feel like going to talk to the Head tomorrow. he will not be at school tomorrow as he cannot even get dressed, despite having had an upset tummy. This is his first accident at school, so it isn't as if it's a regular thinh that they are fed up with dealing with. Any comments???

sorry so long, just upset.

It doesn't sound very reassuring does it? At least if they sounded concerned about him, asked after him and you felt like they were sorry it had happened you could believe them about any incidents in the future. I think you should complain to the governors.

Hmmmm......Sponkle.......I really doubt that my children's (caring) school would have responded in the same way. I imagine that at my sons' school, they would have first apologised profusely, then asked how DS was, then given a suggestion as to how it might have happened and finally, whilst there is no cast-iron guarantee that the stituation can't ever happen again, I would expect that the head would offer a promise that all staff would be given specific guidelines/training on how to spot situations like that and the procedures that they should follow in order to ensure that as far as possible, it doesn't happen again.

Think that tastes like chicken's suggestion is a good one Sponkle
It is really important that your ds feels like this won't happen again.
Are you taking him in tomorrow or waiting until Monday?

I think that once the dust settles (that's if you feel he can remain at the school given the head's repsonse so far), each reception teacher needs to have a chat with their class to explain that accidents can happen but they must, must, MUST tell a member of staff and it will get sorted out. A good reception teacher must be able to distinguish between children who are just using anything as an excuse to go to the toilet and those who genuinely need to go. In fact, I think, in reception, the benefit of the doubt has to take priority.

I remember an incident in the first year of Juniors, a boy continually asked the teacher clearly and politely if he could go to the toilet. It was a few minutes before lunch and all the stupid teacher could say was "Yes, in a minute, Ian, after we've put our pencil cases away and said our lunchtime prayer - THEN you can go." No question asked of him as to how urgent it was etc. Poor boy couldn't hold on and who could blame him - WHO would be confident enough at ANY age to say in front of 30 people "Erm, actually, I've got diarrhoea and will have an accident if I don't go right now."

I remember the whole school watching as his mum was called to school to collect him and walk him across the playground to the toilets to clean him up. How bloody embarrassing for him, I was cringing, even at age 8, and yes, even at that age, astounded at the teacher for the lack of care and well, professionalism.

At the moment I am thinking of taking him back on Monday as his sores are not healed enough yet.

Poor little fellow

I agree with others the head's response is too little, too late. I'm not sure what I'd do in your shoes. On a practical note do you have another child at the same school? If so I guess you may not want to move DS. If not, I would seriously look into alternatives.

I don't think leaving the school is the answer or listening to other's horror stories of school days past. It does not help.

I do think that you do need to setle him back into school in a postivie caring way, the head has offered to meet when you go back in and I would do this and with the teacher/TA. For your DS you really don't want this to put him off school; were you happy with the school so far before this happened? It is such early days in reception and I in no way am I excusing the care of the teachers and the school. But you have to think of moving forward mainly for your DS.

Have you talked to your DS about it and explained that accidents can happen to everyone at one time or another, make up a few examples if you have to, so he does not feel like the only one it's ever happned too. Talk him through what he could do if something like that happned again eg: does he have a favourite teacher/ta he could whispher too that he's had an accident? I am just thinking that he needs a guide and some coping strategies when he's back. Simple things that reassure him that is's ok to have had an accident and school is a good place where he will have a good time.

I think when you talk to the head and teachers face to face you can make it very clear how upset and angry you were about their lack of care and the fact DS has suffered so badly as a result. Also that you and DS have talked about what to do if it happened again and how they must be more vigilant in future. You can't make a child every time something bad happens, I fully appreicate this was totally horrible for your DS and unacceptable from the school, but something else could happen at another school and moving them everytime is not the answer. What about his friends etc?

And I bet the other kids in recption have no clue about it all and are just wondering where one of their friends is and how they miss playing with him.

Well, I have just spoken to DS class teacher and discussed the possibility of him returning on Monday as I feel that keeping to a normal routine is so important especially for DS and the longer I keep him off the harder it iwll be to go back.

I also discussed the possibility of him having lots of reassurance from the staff and a visual prop that he can keep in his drawer and produce to show the teacher or whoever is in charge in case of emergency without having to use words to explain.

She is fully in support of this idea and explained it is important for him to choose said item and have ownership of it. I have talked to him about it and the possibilty of going back to school on Monday and importantly he feels ok with this. He has chosen a pirate flag.

I have made a doctors appointment for later on this morning too, just so that they can record his injuries on file and also advise....I think it will beinteresting to note their reaction to the whole thing.

I am not 100% confident with the school however I think that change is a difficult issue with DS and if I can attempt to rectify things as much as possible, and get the staff on side especially regarding his needs things will be ok. If after that my concerns grow I will be forced to look for another school. I really believe that Reception can either make or break a childs education and attitude to school as a whole and consistency is very important for DS. He was doing so well and was so happy and settled before this, I don't see how uprooting him and starting somewhere new where he knows nobody when all his new peers would be settled already and friendships formed etc would benefit him just now. I do however remain open minded about this. What kind of message would I be giving him if I changed schools because he had an accident, I can't do that every time something happens...surely it is about dealing with situations in the right way and improving things so that he is better understood and attempting to avoid thesethings form ever happening again but at the same time helping him to be equipped to deal with things when they do not go to plan, as in life they sometimes won't.

I'm so grateful for all your support, and am truly amazed at just how many messages this thread has generated. Thank you for bearing with me.

Will you let us know what the dr says?

yes of course. appointment is at 12.

GP had a look. Not infected so no antibiotics required. he doesn't want to give steroids yet. keep eye on it and carry on treating as have been but told me not to expect it to be better until prob end next week, Mon Tues absolute earliest. sorry in hurry have to go collect elder son now. back later.

Wow, so obviously your dr thought it was quite serious. What did he say when you told him how it happened?

sponkle, so sorry to hear about what happened to your poor little DS. I hope he's healing up nicely.

I just wanted to add something I didn't see anyone else comment on.
The first week I started school I wet myself because I was too shy to ask the teacher to go to the toilet.
The teacher was lovely, very reassuring but some of the other children teased me about it for years afterward; I didn't tell my parents or teacher because I was too embarrassed. Finally one of my friends told my mother and it stopped.

It's quite likely some of the other children noticed what happened. I suggest also having a word with your DS and making sure he knows to tell you (or the teacher if he's comfortable) if someone does make fun of him so you can nip any teasing in the bud.

I hope your DS is feeling better now.

Thanks. He was absolutely fine, sores healing well enough to go to school this morning. I had spoken to his teacher on Friday regarding the prop he can use as a visual flag in an emergency and she agreed that it would be a simple and effective tool for him to use. I did a bit of role play with him so that he would be confident using it and primed him with lots of reassurance and he was a little nervous but happy enough to go in today.

I handed in the letter of formal complaint with photos to the Head and the Board of Governors and also had a chat with the Head this morning who reassured me they would all be keeping an extra eye out for my son.

At 2pm I was called to come and collect him. Unfortunately he had had another accident, dihorreah again, but at least they cleaned him up, changed him and called me this time. He did not tell them but they smelled something and took him to one side to deal with it.

He was not ill this morning, and had not had dihorreah or anything remotely like, since last Monday. Poor thing.

At least he doesn't seem to be too phased by today's experience and the sores are no worse as it was dealt with quickly.

So, will have to wait and see if things improve. Was hoping today would go better than it did in all honesty. I don't think it was an anxious type accident, definitley became unwell at school, especially as dihorreah is sweeping the school at the moment.

I will keep him at home with me for at least 48hrs and give lots of reassurance and tlc, and if no better will get checked out by GP again.

Gosh your poor boy I hope that he is recovering well, I can't believe they did not know that he had had an accident.??!!!!!!?!!!!?!!

Actually considering their reaction the first time, they have come a long way.

I think it's worth taking him back to the GP though, as a stool test may be necessary.

How's it all going, Sponkle?

I was heartened to read of the school's response this time:
"At 2pm I was called to come and collect him. Unfortunately he had had another accident, dihorreah again, but at least they cleaned him up, changed him and called me this time. He did not tell them but they smelled something and took him to one side to deal with it."

Obviousy, you know that this is what should have happened after the first incident. Hopefully their reaction this time round should have put your mind at rest a bit about whether the school is a fit place for your son???

Your poor boy with his diarrhoea, though, how is he now?

Hi CurlyHA, he is ok and starting to settle in again fairly well. I did write a letter of formal complaint to the head and to the governors, and I am pleased that the school are keeping an extra keen eye on him now. As the head sugegsted when I met with him, we are all using this unfortunate experience to get to understand my son better and meet his needs better, I really think they have got the message now.

The other afternoon I went to collect DS. He wasn't in the line at the door. I was asked to come inside as he had wet himself while waiting in line to go home, and they had taken him back inside and helped him get changed into some spare clothes. He was not distraught, although embarrassed and the lady helping him was lovely.

Thanks for all your support.

That's great news sponkle.