To think Bro and SIL have strange priorities

[wearingjudgeypants]

I've name changed, as SIL has just started using MN and if she read this along with posts in my usual name, she'd definitely know who I was. I'd rather avoid family fireworks if I can.

I genuinely don't know if I'm being too harsh in my judgement, but I'll take the flack if I am.

SIL is currently 18 weeks pregnant, a much wanted baby (first pg ended in miscarriage). As my youngest DC is growing out of baby things such as highchair, baby toys, back carrier, bike seat etc, I asked DBro and SIL a couple of weeks ago whether they were likely to want any of these items. They explained that they were not planning for their baby to have any second hand equipment or clothing, as they want the fun of choosing things and want to ensure that the 'nursery' equipment all matches. I thought that was slightly PFB, but fair enough and clearly their choice.

This weekend we all had lunch together and my parents house and conversation turned to maternity leave and childcare. SIL explained that they had been looking round nurseries and childminders last week as she is planning to go back to work full time when baby is 6 weeks as they can't afford for her to be off work any longer.

Am I being too judgey in thinking that their newborn DC would benefit more from having his/her mum at home for a few more weeks rather than have money spent on brand new equipment for it to use. If IABU, that's okay, I'll keep my views to myself, but if not, is there a polite, subtle way to introduce this thought to DB and SIL?

Fire away Mumsnet...

erm - say nowt if i were you. you will only get the stock response 'None. Of. Your. Fucking. Business.'

FWIW i agree with you but i know that a hormonally pregnant woman will tear you to shreds. And, well, it isnt any of your business.

I would butt out if I were you - what she plans to do now, and what she will actually do when she has her baby in her arms, may be very different. I always planned to go back to work ... until I had my ds.

I think YANBU to think what you are thinking, and TBH I agree with you.

But, YABU if you say anything, its not your place to say anything. Its a lose-lose situation, everyone will be offended, so best to keep quiet.

I think you're being quite reasonable to think it's odd, but quite unreasonable in thinking it's any of your business.

YABU.

Depends what new "stuff" they were planning to get - the saving might not actually give SiL much longer at home. Or maybe they just didn't like your things :)

What is SiL's job? All the people I've known who've gone back to work so soon after giving birth have had jobs where they were likely to lose future income if they didn't go back (e.g. self employed).

Keep it buttoned - no one knows how they really feel til they've had to actually leave the baby.

Smile and nod, smile and nod.

Some people are very materialistic about pfb stuff - again just nod along, someone has to keep the economy afloat

Do you really think the amount of money they spend on a pushchair, cot and childseat would make a massive difference to your SIL's ability to stay off work? Those are one-off expenses, the need to earn a wage is ongoing. Your SIL may well be disappointed that she has to go back so soon - don't nag here because you will just irritate/upset her and as everyone has said, it really is none of your business (I notice you didn't suggest your BIL could take time off, btw.)

Like everyone has said, I do agree with you but you would be mad to say anything, you will start a major war. At the end of the day it is their baby, their business so up to them. But again I do agree with you.

You're being bit daft! I bet they'll get loads bought for them, and even if not, if she's on a lot of money then her wage may well be more than cost of baby stuff.

nag her even...

YANBU to think they're being silly but it's their choice.

Personally, I snapped SiL's hands off for her (very expensive and absolutely beautifully well kept) baby clothes for my DS and have accepted second hand walkers, activity centres and even unopened packets of nappies! Every little helps.

This thread needs a frothing beserker

I totally agree with you, but unfortunately you will have to stay judgey in secret. Your relationship with them certainly won't benefit from you criticising their parenting decisions no matter how much you or I might disagree with them. You have to leave them to make their own mistakes. Best you can do is say - only once more - I'm about to get rid of x,y,z, they are in excellent condition, are you sure you don't want them? No, ok then, no problem at all!

Oh and I second the point about not mentioning the possibility of the dad staying at home ....

I would just sell your stuff and forget about it tbh. If they want new stuff, just let them go ahead with that - you've been kind enough to offer, they've refused and even though their decision seems odd, they are grown ups and have to choose what they do themselves.

I would keep that gem of wisdom to yourself, it may be that SIL would love to stay off work longer, but it's financially impossible.
As a previous poster said, the cost of a high chair, cot and car seat are one off expenses that in all likelihood do not add up to anywhere near your SIL's monthly wage. Saying what you think may just pile on guilt she is prbably well aware she'll be (unjustly) feeling.

yes you are being unreasonable, and sticking your nose in. You think that they should be grateful for your second hand things you no longer want for your own children, as if this will save them thousands of pounds. In reality these things will cost very little compared to things like rent and bills. besides maybe they were being polite and just do not like your baby things. If you feel the need to have a word to them about their parenting choices, you have to accept that they might give you their opinions on what they think of your parenting. It is a two way street.
And if you sil does read this, she will probably recognize you anyway.

Yup, unreasonable.

If you haven't already, take a look at "How not to f**k them up" by Oliver James, which is all about mothering within the sort of personality you are. He thinks (and I agree) that some women are able to be better mothers if they go back to work than if they SAH. Your SIL may be one of these.

Their life, their business, and I don't think the desire to have all new items is likely to be part of her decision to go back to work soon. Seem like separate issues to me.

YABU.

Totally their choice as to whether they want second hand things.

As someone who had no choice but to go back to work after having DC, I can assure you that the donation of a few baby things would have made no long term impact on our finances.

Lots of women return to work to pay the mortgage, not to purchase the contents of the Mamas and Papas catalogue.

Smile and nod, smile and nod.

Good advice!

I love the fact that with all that detail you think you are going to stay anonymous.

Their baby, their decision.

I had to help DH with our business when DS was only a week old. Thems the breaks.

As I thought, opinion is divided but whether you agree or not you think I should keep it zipped. Which is what I have done and will continue to do.

Can't be that they don't like the stuff as they haven't seen all of it (eg.cot was dismantled about a year ago and has been stored in the junk clothes and toy room since then).

I din't suggest DBro should stay home instead as he earns more than SIL, so they'd be even worse off if he did. Both work in public service so they'd be a bit safer to take longer off than in some industries. I'm not suggesting that the cost of a cot, pushchair etc would mean the difference between a year off work or not, just perhaps a few more weeks.

Thanks for all your input, I shall start my ebay listings and keep my gob shut!

Yanbu, I agree. BUT, it is up to them and you would be v unreasonable to say anything.

This is prob going to kick off if recent threads are anything to go by!