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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think Bro and SIL have strange priorities

171 replies

wearingjudgeypants · 21/11/2011 13:26

I've name changed, as SIL has just started using MN and if she read this along with posts in my usual name, she'd definitely know who I was. I'd rather avoid family fireworks if I can.

I genuinely don't know if I'm being too harsh in my judgement, but I'll take the flack if I am.

SIL is currently 18 weeks pregnant, a much wanted baby (first pg ended in miscarriage). As my youngest DC is growing out of baby things such as highchair, baby toys, back carrier, bike seat etc, I asked DBro and SIL a couple of weeks ago whether they were likely to want any of these items. They explained that they were not planning for their baby to have any second hand equipment or clothing, as they want the fun of choosing things and want to ensure that the 'nursery' equipment all matches. I thought that was slightly PFB, but fair enough and clearly their choice.

This weekend we all had lunch together and my parents house and conversation turned to maternity leave and childcare. SIL explained that they had been looking round nurseries and childminders last week as she is planning to go back to work full time when baby is 6 weeks as they can't afford for her to be off work any longer.

Am I being too judgey in thinking that their newborn DC would benefit more from having his/her mum at home for a few more weeks rather than have money spent on brand new equipment for it to use. If IABU, that's okay, I'll keep my views to myself, but if not, is there a polite, subtle way to introduce this thought to DB and SIL?

Fire away Mumsnet...

OP posts:
somedayma · 21/11/2011 16:33

You really think she's not gonna know it's you as soon as she opens this thread?!

somedayma · 21/11/2011 16:34

Ah...perhaps the real reason for namechange was cos you knew everyone would think you're v judgey and unreasonable

bibbitybobbitybloodyaxe · 21/11/2011 16:38

I think it is sad if a baby has to go into full-time childcare as a newborn and I don't mind if anyone thinks I am judgey for saying so.

And must say am shocked at whatever maternity package she has. I thought we were getting better at that sort of stuff?

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 21/11/2011 16:44

Generally the point of a name change for threads like this is the the person recognising the 'thread' then can't go and read the rest of the Op's posts about bum sex other things.

cjbartlett · 21/11/2011 16:45

most childcare providers dont take babies until they're 12 weeks so maybe mil is helping out?

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 21/11/2011 16:47

YANBU - using your stuff and being careful with money might have meant she could stay home for a few more weeks and at that age every little helps I feel. I would hate to have to put a baby in a nursery, let alone one that tiny. I hope they at least settle on a CM.

But if she's on MN, I don't think you are going to need to worry about whether to bring this up with them or not!!

chipmonkey · 21/11/2011 16:48
catgirl1976 · 21/11/2011 16:49

YABU. SMP is paid at 90% for 6 weeks, then drops to close to shag all, then actual shag all. Given she is likely to be having some time off prior to the birth then 6 weeks after, she will be taking a few weeks at close to shag all.

Lets say they spend £1k on new baby stuff instead of £500 by accepting some second hand bits - on an average wage thats maybe an extra 2 weeks at home.

Hardly going to make a big difference is it!

Proudnscary · 21/11/2011 16:50

Mind your own beeswax I'd say.

bemybebe · 21/11/2011 16:53

'None. Of. Your. Fucking. Business.'

I like it.

On a serious note, your kind offer of "stuff" will not save so much to make a meaningful difference to the circumstances. I would be keeping quiet if I were you OP.

pink4ever · 21/11/2011 17:04

YANBU-who in their right mind would choose to leave their 6 week old baby! You would have to be pretty desperate for the money-or XeniaGrin

I wouldnt do it but each to their own. I personally think putting children under the age of 1 year old in nursery/childcare full-time is wrong but lots of people do it and seems to work for them

catgirl1976 · 21/11/2011 17:05

Perhaps it isnt a choice pink

I love this assumption that people don't need to work and can all either live off benefits or a partner

It isnt the case for everyone you know

bemybebe · 21/11/2011 17:13

My friend went to work when her ds what 6 weeks. She is a very good surgeon and her dh (also 20year older then her) was made redundant right after the birth. So, whilst on the surface they were very well off, they had no choice but to do what they had to do and it was for the mother to go back to work. Nobody died and no damage was done to the child I can assure you!

porcamiseria · 21/11/2011 17:27

fuck it, I think its really shitty parenting

£1000 stokke pram, YES please

but back to work at 6 weeks, come ON she could have managed 3 months at least

judge away, I would!!!!!!

catgirl1976 · 21/11/2011 17:30

because that extra 6 weeks would make ALL the difference to that baby...

Hmm
CrunchyFrog · 21/11/2011 17:35

I had to go back to work at 6 weeks after my first. AND have second hand stuff. Where's the justice in that?

JugglingWithGoldandMyrhh · 21/11/2011 17:38

Having looked after babies in nurseries and had my own I'm not sure there's that much difference between them going at 6 weeks or 3 months ? Think they have settled in a way by 6 weeks.

Meta4 · 21/11/2011 18:42

I think most new mothers like new things for their first baby and that's completely normal.

The novelty will wear off when they realise how often you have to stock up on new clothes because of the growth rate.

As for the return to work, I think everyone else has answered that one for you...

zimm · 21/11/2011 18:54

£100 says she doesn't go back at six weeks. My logic is - if they can afford new stuff for the baby then they must be reasonable incomes therefore it will most likely be possible through some juggling for her to get an extra couple of months. I think there is more to it then just money personally, like she is worried about her career. Which is fine, her choice. Although she'll be lucky to find childcare for a six week old.....

pink4ever · 21/11/2011 18:58

catgirl-that is what I meant by my post-I dont believe many women-with the exception of those with very high flying careers-would choose to go back to work after that amount of time unless they absolutley had too. By that I mean keeping a roof over their head or food on the table.

Btw just as an aside-I dont "live off" my dh-I facilitate him going to work by providing childcare. It is mutally beneficial to us both.

kickingking · 21/11/2011 19:01

Well they're not my priorities.

But you don't really know the ins and outs of their finances - she would only be entitled to the maternity package outlined by OP if she has been continuously employed by the same company for a year, for example. Maybe she fears she us being targeted for redundancy - nowhere in the public sector is safe at the moment.

As for the wanting to buy everything new, my idiot husband decided he wanted an 'eco baby' who would have absolutely nothing new (apart from a car seat and a mattress, after he had been persuaded this was important). He was constantly bringing home tatty baby equipment that colleagues had given him, expecting me to be pleased. The result was that I felt like our baby wasn't worth anything new. My parents kept asking when we were going to buy the baby something nice Sad We did end up buying quite a lot new, but I still regret not spending more on my baby. Felt like a pauper at baby groups!

Lancelottie · 21/11/2011 19:23

Ah yes, the sort of eco principles that mean you end up with a houseful of revolting tatty kit that you can't in all conscience hand on to anyone else after you've finished with it, but feel immensely guilty about just throwing away

runningwilde · 21/11/2011 19:55

Yanbu at all to think it but what can you say? If conversation dictated that you could offer your opinion then you could.

I often wonder why people like your sil and bro have children if they want to dump them into childcare at six weeks. Six weeks! I think that is bloody awful.

I would be interested to see if she changes her mind though after baby arrives so do come back and update us. Women who are pregnant with their first often have strange ideas - it's only when they become a mum that they can truly understand their decisions.

NinkyNonker · 21/11/2011 20:02

I accepted plenty of second hand stuff with my first, as did most of my friends. Perfectly normal.

Also worth noting that I worked in the public sector and only received statutory pay, so not everyone has amazing packages.

Get0rf · 21/11/2011 20:03

Well, you don't know their circumstances.

Plus, not everyone in the public sector has the same benefits. My maternity package (if I got pregnant) would be 6 months full pay, and a further 3 months on half pay. However, my sIL who also works in the public sector has a lot less lucrative package.

I do think 6 weeks is very young - I think it may be better if she was able to wait until 3 months if she is able. But - it is her decision to make. Perrhaps her job is on a knife edge, you never know.

I don't think the buying new equipment stuff is an issue to be concerned about tbh.