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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think Bro and SIL have strange priorities

171 replies

wearingjudgeypants · 21/11/2011 13:26

I've name changed, as SIL has just started using MN and if she read this along with posts in my usual name, she'd definitely know who I was. I'd rather avoid family fireworks if I can.

I genuinely don't know if I'm being too harsh in my judgement, but I'll take the flack if I am.

SIL is currently 18 weeks pregnant, a much wanted baby (first pg ended in miscarriage). As my youngest DC is growing out of baby things such as highchair, baby toys, back carrier, bike seat etc, I asked DBro and SIL a couple of weeks ago whether they were likely to want any of these items. They explained that they were not planning for their baby to have any second hand equipment or clothing, as they want the fun of choosing things and want to ensure that the 'nursery' equipment all matches. I thought that was slightly PFB, but fair enough and clearly their choice.

This weekend we all had lunch together and my parents house and conversation turned to maternity leave and childcare. SIL explained that they had been looking round nurseries and childminders last week as she is planning to go back to work full time when baby is 6 weeks as they can't afford for her to be off work any longer.

Am I being too judgey in thinking that their newborn DC would benefit more from having his/her mum at home for a few more weeks rather than have money spent on brand new equipment for it to use. If IABU, that's okay, I'll keep my views to myself, but if not, is there a polite, subtle way to introduce this thought to DB and SIL?

Fire away Mumsnet...

OP posts:
catgirl1976 · 21/11/2011 23:12

I will be going back at about sixteen weeks and I do think six weeks is a bit little alfor full time though I will be back half a day a week almost from the start and working from home. You do what you have to do. Am thinking the baby might be with a gp as round here the nurseries won't take them before twelve weeks bit haven't read all the thread so could be wrong

bemybebe · 21/11/2011 23:13

dogmatic (adj) - asserting opinions in a doctrinaire or arrogant manner; opinionated.

so, yes running Smile

catgirl1976 · 21/11/2011 23:17

I was going to ask if you knew what dogmatic meant running but bebe has kindly explained. Your post made no sense

runningwilde · 21/11/2011 23:17

Oh look we have a clever one here.
Yeah whatever bemy love. Carry on if it makes you feel better lovey, it's so amusing.

Bogey - your post is so true! Lol

Get0rf · 21/11/2011 23:18

oh look we have a clever one here Grin

bemybebe · 21/11/2011 23:19

btw, I will be sahm

In an ideal world we would all do what we think is 100% right for our dc, however, in the real world we all need to balance it against other insignificant things like paying bills.

My 6 yo dsd once told me that she wanted dh and I to stay at home year round and when I laughted and asked her where we would be getting money to buy food and clothes and pay for the cinema she said we can go to HSBC cashpoint opposite Boots as they always seems to have it there. I don;t think I laughted that hard before or since! Grin

runningwilde · 21/11/2011 23:20

OP - I do agree with the consensus that saying anything to your sil would do you no favours. She will fid out the realities of parenting as bogey described soon enough!

runningwilde · 21/11/2011 23:22

OP - why not buy your sil a really useless present... By she who must not be named!

catgirl1976 · 21/11/2011 23:22

Oh bless her bebe :-) that nice magic machine!!

Getorf thanks for the house points! :-)

pinkyp · 21/11/2011 23:24

They might be able to afford longer but might not want to or she might change her mind. I don't think you should mention anything unless they do first, e.g sil: " wish I could take longer mat leave", you: "perhaps you could if....."

kelly2000 · 21/11/2011 23:27

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bemybebe · 21/11/2011 23:30

Ooh cheers Getorf! Wink Much appreciated!

runningwilde · 21/11/2011 23:32

Kelly darling, is that post supposed to make me feel
Bad about my parenting? Psml again at you and your 'attacks'

There there lovey, you carry on and think that if it makes you feel better, hush hush dear it's ok.

So amusing.

lurkinginthebackground · 21/11/2011 23:36

I agree with others. Keep your thoughts to yourself but I am of the same opinion as you.

bemybebe · 21/11/2011 23:40

running that is a very condescending post... Hmm

kelly2000 · 21/11/2011 23:42

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Bogeyface · 21/11/2011 23:58

kelly, that post makes you sounds just as bad!

I agree with Running that 6 weeks probably is too young, IF you have a choice and my personal opinion is that the SIL has decided this because she doesnt know what having a baby can do to you physically and emotionally.

BUT, i do think that Running hasnt put it very well (sorry Running, but I do!) and is being confrontational. But Kelly, calling someone a bad mother based on what they post on a forum isnt on, I am sure you would take issue with someone saying that to you.

Ding Ding ladies, back to your corners, and when you come out fighting, no hits below the belt please! :o

kelly2000 · 22/11/2011 00:21

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sayithowitis · 22/11/2011 00:26

WRT SIL returning to work when her baby is six weeks old, well, that is a decision for her and her DH to make. Only they know the rationale behind their decision ans I don't think it is for any of us to judge.

As for the wanting to but everythng new, I can totally understand that. When I was pregnant with DC1, after two MCs, I felt a need to buy new baby things, whether clothes or equipment, as in my mind it gave the baby a reason to come IYSWIM. I know there was no logic to it, but I really did feel that part of the reason I had lost my other babies, was because I had nothing here that was worth them coming for. So, once beyond the 'danger' stage, DH and I bought a few bits every week. Clothes one week, the cot, the pram, etc etc. It was not a PFB thing or any kind of snobbery about second hand stuff.

Bogeyface · 22/11/2011 00:28

Based on the fact that you think she might be insecure because of what she posted?

Its still a shitty thing to say to someone, isnt it?

And that goes both ways btw. I think that Running said what she said about the OPS SIL because she is a mother and therefore knows that it isnt as clear cut as we all think it is before we have our first. She didnt put it very well, but it is a fair point.

Just because someone doesnt agree and is vehement in defence of their opinions doesnt make them insecure and doesnt make them fair game for accusations of bad parenting. Thats all I was trying to say.

bemybebe · 22/11/2011 00:44

Bogey
running posted here in a very provocative and confrontational manner. Her assertions that if one leaves a baby at 6 weeks and goes to work they are automatically bad parents are bull. Maybe she should take this pov up with the government and leave parents to make the decision basis their circs. I happen to agree with her on one point - that sil may want to stay with her lo longer once it is born.

kelly I am with you!! Wink

startail · 22/11/2011 00:54

Uanbu, they will learnGrin

Bogeyface · 22/11/2011 01:04

Bemy, I agree that Running posted in a provocative and confrontational way, I was just trying to say that Kelly's comments were just as bad but from a diiferent POV. Calling someone a bad mother is horrible, no matter where it comes from, and my post above agrees with you (and Running) that the SIL will very likely change her mind once the baby is here.

Long day + insomnia = not putting things very well!

SouthStar · 22/11/2011 01:10

I am sure she will think differently once she has baby in her arms. I dont think it is your place to say anything tho. If anything maybe just suggest to her that she should wait to see how she feels after the birth to decide anything.

garlicnutter · 22/11/2011 01:23

Oh good lord, I'm not even a mother and I know that:
[a] Some people change their minds when they have the baby
[b] Some people need the money and/or a life beyond the crib
[c] Some people just love working and would die of insanity if they didn't.

There's no one rule for all. A couple of my friends were [c]s, one even took meetings WHILE in labour! (By phone & fax, you'll be relieved to hear Grin) More of my friends were [a]s but that's par for the course, innit - or they lied to keep their jobs open.

You know you're being judgey, OP. Judge away in private on here! You would be totally, utterly, iredeemably U to say anything though. Let them live their own life, fgs.