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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think Bro and SIL have strange priorities

171 replies

wearingjudgeypants · 21/11/2011 13:26

I've name changed, as SIL has just started using MN and if she read this along with posts in my usual name, she'd definitely know who I was. I'd rather avoid family fireworks if I can.

I genuinely don't know if I'm being too harsh in my judgement, but I'll take the flack if I am.

SIL is currently 18 weeks pregnant, a much wanted baby (first pg ended in miscarriage). As my youngest DC is growing out of baby things such as highchair, baby toys, back carrier, bike seat etc, I asked DBro and SIL a couple of weeks ago whether they were likely to want any of these items. They explained that they were not planning for their baby to have any second hand equipment or clothing, as they want the fun of choosing things and want to ensure that the 'nursery' equipment all matches. I thought that was slightly PFB, but fair enough and clearly their choice.

This weekend we all had lunch together and my parents house and conversation turned to maternity leave and childcare. SIL explained that they had been looking round nurseries and childminders last week as she is planning to go back to work full time when baby is 6 weeks as they can't afford for her to be off work any longer.

Am I being too judgey in thinking that their newborn DC would benefit more from having his/her mum at home for a few more weeks rather than have money spent on brand new equipment for it to use. If IABU, that's okay, I'll keep my views to myself, but if not, is there a polite, subtle way to introduce this thought to DB and SIL?

Fire away Mumsnet...

OP posts:
megapixels · 21/11/2011 13:45

My goodness, I don't know how you tied the childcare issue to the not wanting second hand items. I doubt it's going to make a massive difference to how long she can afford to stay home with the baby.

I think you're just pissed off that she doesn't want your old stuff! Lots of people don't want other people's used items, it's their choice.

fivegomadindorset · 21/11/2011 13:45

No jobs are safe at the moment in public service.

AMumInScotland · 21/11/2011 13:45

The two things aren't really related - choices about work are a much longer-term issue than saving a bit at the start of the baby's life.

So their priorities are not the same as your priorities - well, that's up to them really, isn't it? You may not agree, but it's not something you can really say to them in any way that won't come across as "I disapprove of your choices", which is not likely to help your relationship with them.

NinkyNonker · 21/11/2011 13:46

I don't get not wanting second hand stuff, buying is fun but so is not parting with money!

youtalkintome · 21/11/2011 13:46

YANBU to think that privately but if materialistic things make her happy and i'm not saying that's wrong then perhaps she will be happier at work.

TheCatInTheHairnet · 21/11/2011 13:47

YABU! I loved, loved, loved buying things for my children when I was pg, especially my first one (which, ironically, was when we were at our poorest financially). I don't think it's being PFB at all, just part of the excitement of becoming first time parents.

And completely unrelated to going back to work, so stop judging!! Wink

OhdearNigel · 21/11/2011 13:48

Poor baby. Plenty of expensive "stuff" but shoved into a nursery at 6 weeks old.

TandB · 21/11/2011 13:51

If you don't want your SIL to recognise you, you probably need to get the thread deleted!

How many 18 week pregnant women have recently started using MN, have refused an offer of second-hand baby stuff because they want new, and disclosed at a family lunch this weekendd that they have been looking round childcare options as they have to go back to work at 6 weeks?

Can't be that many!

AMumInScotland · 21/11/2011 13:51

Lots of new parents don't want anything second-hand, it probably has nothing to do with not liking your things, or thinking they are "scruffy", just a feeling of "new is best". There may also be a "completely fresh start" feeling because of the previously-lost pregnancy, where they want everything to be a new beginning this time round and don't want any links to the past.

Or just that they want new - I offered some stuff to a new mum-to-be and was surprised she didn't want any of it. Since I grew up in second-hand I assumed it was the norm, and DS had loads of hand-me-downs, which then went on to his cousins. Horses for courses though!

OhdearNigel · 21/11/2011 13:53

I'm a bit bemused about the 6 weeks because they can't afford more when she works in the public sector. I work in the public sector and most maternity packages are the same. She will be able to use annual leave, she will have 6 weeks at 90% pay and 6 weeks at 50% pay + SMP which normally makes up 100% of salary (I am on £22k so fairly average public sector salary)

With child benefit, SMP and annual leave I don't think we lost any salary until I had been off for about 4 months

Chandeleria · 21/11/2011 13:56

Thing is you can't win as a parent, can you?

I am a SAHM, lucky that DH earns enough that I can be and I enjoy it even if I find it hard work. I love that I get to be there for them all the time but I feel guilty that they can't have the newest this or the nicest that because we have to be careful within our budget.
A very close friend has a great career and decided to go back after 3 months, her DC have the very best of anything and everything, but she has to put the DC (baby & preschool age) in childcare from 8-6pm everyday and that breaks her heart.

I feel I am doing the right thing for my family and she feels that she is doing the best for her family and I doubt either of us could/would really change it, despite us bother feeling guilt in one way or another. You just can't win really can you?

So I guess, even though initially I agreed with the OP I suppose there must be a lot more to it than there first seems.

MarthasHarbour · 21/11/2011 14:01

hmmm, i also thought that OP has given away far too much info not to be recognised on here!

i also dont understand the 6 week thing if she works in the public sector, my old public sector job would have given me 6 months full salary... why-did-i-ever-leave

FruitSaladIsNotPudding · 21/11/2011 14:02

YANBU. Their finances sound very precarious.

OrmIrian · 21/11/2011 14:05

"but if not, is there a polite, subtle way to introduce this thought to DB and SIL?"

No.There isn't.

TBH the new baby stuff thing is IMO a bit daft and short-sighted, but not buying a new pram or cot isn't really going to make the difference between going back to work and not is it?

Chandeleria · 21/11/2011 14:05

Maybe the SIL hasn't been in her job for long enough to earn her full maternity package, so not qualifying for the normal payments?

eaglewings · 21/11/2011 14:10

Given the OP has name changed, I expect some of the other facts have also been changed slightly too

OhdearNigel, I'm with you, new nursery equipment does not make up for having both parents back at work so soon

How I love MN, you can say things on here you would not say to the person, so I can be shocked at parent going back after 6 weeks when I would normally keep my mouth shut

lisianthus · 21/11/2011 14:11

YABU. If you had been offering to pay their rent or mortgage for them, you might have a point, but the price of a few bits of baby equipment is hardly going to save them enough to allow your SIL to stay at home.

JugglingWithGoldandMyrhh · 21/11/2011 14:13

Was nice of you to offer things, and IMHO slightly odd to not take you up on anything. But what can you do ? Just keep on being nice to them about their new baby and offer any support you can with this exciting new step in their lives.

Scholes34 · 21/11/2011 14:13

YABU. Forget it. Let them waste their money. Give your stuff away to someone who will use it and appreciate it. This is what I do my stuff as DH's brother and SIL have similar attitude.

OhdearNigel · 21/11/2011 14:18

good point Chandeleria, hadn't thought of that.

Tryharder · 21/11/2011 14:25

YANBU at all. I think it is desperately sad that they are contemplating putting a practically newborn baby into childcare.

Although I suspect what they say now and what they do once the baby is born will be quite different things Wink

I am also bemused about why your SIL feels the need to return to work so soon. If your BIL is working, they could surely manage for a few months more even if money is tight. I found I actually saved money when i was on maternity leave even though I was on a reduced income because I was at home with the baby rather than out spending money on crap plus they will save money on things like petrol travelling to work etc. They probably haven't considered that they will be entitled to some extra money by means of child benefit and tax credits. Also some mortgage companies will offer things like payment breaks for people on temporarily reduced incomes.

Also, if she works in the public sector, surely your SIL will be entitled to 6 months full pay?

Lastly do nurseries actually take such young babies? I thought they only took babies who are at least 3 or 4 months old.

Obviously, the crux of the issue is whether your SIL actually wants to go back to work or feels she has no choice. If the former - her choice, if the latter, then I don't think it would be a bad thing for you to help her out with exploring alternatives.

Meita · 21/11/2011 14:32

For me it was only when DS had arrived that I realised for how short times he used most of his stuff before he outgrew things (particularly when he was tiny). If I hadn't been using 2nd hand stuff anyway, that's when I would have started to. So maybe you could keep some stuff for now, maybe they will change their minds at some point? Just as they might change their minds about going back to work, lots of people do (both ways).

Not saying you should keep stuff for the off-chance that they change their minds. Just if you feel so inclined.

halcyondays · 21/11/2011 15:38

Yanbu to think they have strange priorities. I don't suppose the baby will care if everything in the nursery matches! However you would BVU to say anything, it's their choice. If they work in public service, then I would have thought she would get fairly good maternity pay.

DoesNotGiveAFig · 21/11/2011 16:24

I never understand why people turn their noses up at secondhand things. I'd be tearing at the bit to take them off your hands! It's STUPID buying all new when there's no need, the cash can be put to better use, as you suggest, a slightly longer maternity leave, or put in trust for baby.

mrsjay · 21/11/2011 16:31

Even if your SIl took the baby items which was a generous offer i wouldve taken them but It would maybe save her a few more weeks wages and she would still go back , to work , I do think babies should have a parent at home with them but thats my old fashionedview , I kinda think this is their business and not yours ,