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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think Bro and SIL have strange priorities

171 replies

wearingjudgeypants · 21/11/2011 13:26

I've name changed, as SIL has just started using MN and if she read this along with posts in my usual name, she'd definitely know who I was. I'd rather avoid family fireworks if I can.

I genuinely don't know if I'm being too harsh in my judgement, but I'll take the flack if I am.

SIL is currently 18 weeks pregnant, a much wanted baby (first pg ended in miscarriage). As my youngest DC is growing out of baby things such as highchair, baby toys, back carrier, bike seat etc, I asked DBro and SIL a couple of weeks ago whether they were likely to want any of these items. They explained that they were not planning for their baby to have any second hand equipment or clothing, as they want the fun of choosing things and want to ensure that the 'nursery' equipment all matches. I thought that was slightly PFB, but fair enough and clearly their choice.

This weekend we all had lunch together and my parents house and conversation turned to maternity leave and childcare. SIL explained that they had been looking round nurseries and childminders last week as she is planning to go back to work full time when baby is 6 weeks as they can't afford for her to be off work any longer.

Am I being too judgey in thinking that their newborn DC would benefit more from having his/her mum at home for a few more weeks rather than have money spent on brand new equipment for it to use. If IABU, that's okay, I'll keep my views to myself, but if not, is there a polite, subtle way to introduce this thought to DB and SIL?

Fire away Mumsnet...

OP posts:
runningwilde · 21/11/2011 22:05

Leaving a six week old baby is bloody disgusting. Why have kids at all?! Those poor little babies - babies need their mummy. Anyone who wants to argue the case is being utterly delusional and selfish. I waited until I could have time to be with my babies before I even considered having a baby.

Leaving a baby at six weeks is awful - I agree with porcimasera - it is totally shitty, shitty parenting

breatheslowly · 21/11/2011 22:05

I think that she may be unrealistic - I wouldn't have physically been able to go back to work after 6 weeks and I doubt that I am alone in this.

catgirl1976 · 21/11/2011 22:25

Won't somebody think of the poor little babies......

Hysterical over reaction

You don't know the circumstances but do judge away Hmm

Kayano · 21/11/2011 22:26

I only get 12 weeks full pay. Me and DH have been discussing cabbage soup today sigh

runningwilde · 21/11/2011 22:39

That's your opinion catgirl and you can think what you like

I'd rather have that reaction than leave a six week old baby

Those poor babies - it's selfish and bad parenting. However much some people want to delude themselves, babies that young need their mum/main carer - it's nature

kelly2000 · 21/11/2011 22:40

runningwild,
It is not really any of your business, and for all you know people might think you are a rotten parent. It really is not for you to decide other parents are bad because they put their child in a nursery at a young age. I always suspect that those who leap in to call other people bad parents as soon as they do not parent in the same way they do are the ones who are probably not up to scratch parenting wise hence the insecurity. and desperate need to slag off other people's choices

Judgey,
It really is none of your business whatsoever. They may just want new stuff, they may think you have naff taste or only buy rubbish etc. And if you comment on their parenting choices, be prepared to be told exactly what they think of your parenting which may not be flattering for all you know.

bemybebe · 21/11/2011 22:44

running calm down, plenty of stay at home parents are shitty, plenty of parents who work all hours are fab and plenty of others in between

Get0rf · 21/11/2011 22:44

Oh here we bloody go...

Women like this are against nature.

Not everyone can afford to give up work. Is it that hard to understand?

runningwilde · 21/11/2011 22:51

Pmsl at Kelly's attempt to Pass the insecurity card on my parenting. Big lol. Hasn't worked I'm afraid luvvy.

This is a public forum for opinions and mine is that a six week old baby is too young to be away from their mum. How awful and sad the world is when people think this is ok. Thank God I don't think this is ok and I never will.

catgirl1976 · 21/11/2011 22:52

I will think what I like and I think just because you stay at home doesn't make you a good parent nor does going out to work make you a bad parent. There's a whole lot more to parenting than that and you cannot judge people when you have no idea of thier circumstances. You wouldn't leave a six week old. Good for you. Other people would and most likely have to for whatever reason. It doesn't make them necessarily any better or worse at parenting than you.

Get0rf · 21/11/2011 22:57

Agree catgirl.

Parenting is a long game. Lots of women either choose, or have to choose, to leave their children when they are small. It doesn't make them evil mothers, if doesn't ruin the baby's life, it doesn't mean that they are both emotionally stunted.

Think yourself lucky that you live in a country where maternity leave provision is enshrined in law. If you lived in america there is a great chance that you would have to go back to work when your baby is very small - the max you can get is 12 weeks (unpaid) and if you take 4 weeks off prior to the birth, you will be back at work when the baby is 8 weeks old. This is the reality for many women.

bemybebe · 21/11/2011 22:58

What catgirl said. 100%

runningwilde · 21/11/2011 22:59

Who are you trying to convince, me or you?! You are happy - great.

I'm happy in my belief on this, and I am Actually a freelancer who works around my children. But enough of this as it doesn't matter to me what anyone else thinks on this. All that matters is what I think and I think it is awful parenting.

MrsMuddyPuddles · 21/11/2011 22:59

I'm a bit Hmm about all the people saying it won't make much difference, because the cost of our DD's cot, travel system buggy, and high chair would easily have been a month of "just the bare min" expenses that entered into my maternity leave and off redundant calculations... (and we went for middle-of-the-road things, we could have bought way more expensive items)

That said, NO you can't say anything to them! All you can do is pray that she wanders into AIBU while this is still on page 1 if she hasn't already

Get0rf · 21/11/2011 22:59

Nobody is trying to convince anyone of anyting, I don't think.

Just all of us stating our opinions and experiences.

bemybebe · 21/11/2011 23:03

Having a judgmental parent unable to appreciate the variety of situations, dogmatic, ideologically charged is bad news for any child. They will have very hard time growing into a balanced individual.

catgirl1976 · 21/11/2011 23:05

I was amazed at the lack of maternity provision they have in the USA getorf.
We really do take what we get here for granted, even though I don't think its that great, compared to America its amazing

bemybebe · 21/11/2011 23:06

Depends where in the US. My old firm is paying 100% for 9months post natal and they are matching it across all the offices around the world, including the USA.

Get0rf · 21/11/2011 23:07

I know - it is astonishing. Maximum 12 weeks unpaid.

I remember when I had dd years ago, and had statutory maternity allowance for 18 weeks, had to take 6 weeks off prior to expected due date, so was back at work when dd was 3 months old. Looking back that was harsh compared to the allowances we have today, but loads of people just got on with it.

6 weeks old is very early, imo, for both mother and child, but people do it, all over the world.

catgirl1976 · 21/11/2011 23:07

Wow that's good. Any jobs going :-)

Get0rf · 21/11/2011 23:08

That is very good bemy - I imagine that very few companies would do that though.

I have worked for a couple of american owned multinationals, they gave the bare minimum.

TeaOneSugar · 21/11/2011 23:09

She has time to change her mind.

I was planning to go back to work full time, with a long (ish commute) and dd in the nursery over the road from work full time, until she was born :)

I changed jobs during my mat leave and reduced my hours at the first opportunity.

bemybebe · 21/11/2011 23:10

It is a great way to recruit women. Despite this we had only 3 professionals in my department in the team of 40. Although this policy was a relatively recent one from 2007, I left them in 2008, so do not know if it made any difference, also it is in finance (an american investment bank in fact), so plenty of other variables...)

runningwilde · 21/11/2011 23:11

Ah yes, because I have a firm belief that a six week old baby should not be without his/her mum, that makes me dogmatic Hmm
oh the irony in such an unbelievably ignorant post.

Bogeyface · 21/11/2011 23:12

Re the OP, i think that what you have here is a classic case of "when I have MY children............." naivete. Of course she is planning on going back to work when the baby is 6 weeks because she has never experienced birth and life with a newborn. The possibility of an EMC with its subsequent recovery time probably hasnt crossed her mind. Chances are she thinks that women who dont get dressed until teatime and are still hobbling about a month after birth are making hard work of it. I would bet you a weeks wages that she has a book written by She-who-must-not-be-named in her house somewhere!

Give her a year, and 5 will get you 10 that their opinion has changed dramatically. Dont you remember what you were like before you had your first? I knew so much..........and so little Wink

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