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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feelings of anger SIL pregnant

236 replies

KIWIFTM · 20/11/2011 08:42

After 7 months of charting my cycles and staying a strict diet, no alcohol, fertility yoga and taking a romantic 2 week holiday - I'm still not pregnant.
I have just found out that my SIL is pregnant and am finding it really hard to be happy for them. In fact I'm feeling really angry at them. Firstly I had let on to my brother that we were trying and they kept that to themselves ( we live in different countries). I feel like I've been lied to and now I am expected to be happy, with the added heartbreak of not being pregnant myself. I think they're being unrealistic about a happy reaction from me.
I was on the phone to my family the other day and I was passed over to my SIL, as they are only 6 weeks I had been told not to talk about it, so I didn't. We have quite a 'superficial' relationship and I never share my feelings with her, so when I emailed to say how I was feeling I think she thought I was dumping on her. Now my SIL is kicking up a fuss saying I am not happy for them and am causing problems in our family. What do they need from me anyway? they've got what they want - Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
marriedinwhite · 20/11/2011 15:07

I am sorry you are upset. But I am afraid YABU. Our dd was my 5th pg and it took us seven years to produce two living children. I lost count of the number of times, someone broke the news to me that they were pregnant or that a baby had been born and I sat at the end of the phone congatulating them and showing an interest with tears streaming down my face. And then visited the new mother and baby with a gift and a smile on my face feeling as though inside I was at breaking point.

raspberryroop · 20/11/2011 15:07

Maybe her brother lied by omission - ie didn't tell her that they were ttc as well because he knew exactly how she would react?

or she could just be very upset - either way she is still behaving unreasonably to people she should care about.

And all this you cann't control how she feels etc is just the female equivalent of behaviour justification.

splashymcsplash · 20/11/2011 15:09

Haven't read the whole thread but guessing op has realised they are Bu.

On a separate note what on earth is fertility yoga??!

ll31 · 20/11/2011 15:16

would think tbh that ur apology was not great - comes across as I'm centre of world and of course I cant share in ur happiness until my happiness is sorted out first... Look they're adults and I'm sure will go on and ignore ur attitude but would say you may have damaged ur future relationship with them - plus I'd think u may have ensured you'll be distant enought aunt - say in worst case scenario u don't conceive - do u want them to celebrate their childs birthdays etc in low key way not to upset u.

I'm very sorry ur having problems conceiving - I know its awful, beyond upsetting but still and all u can't act as if its all that matters to everyone else. Really hope u get pregnant soon

raspberryroop · 20/11/2011 15:16

middle class crap that makes you feel like you are doing something - when you should just shag more and stress less about other people

ChuffMuffin · 20/11/2011 15:40

Maybe your DB & SIL had been trying for a long time, and hadn't said anything as they didn't want people to know?

I understand what you've said, but can't you show a little happiness for your DB & SIL without making it all about you?

HeidiKat · 20/11/2011 17:00

Seven months really isn't that long, I thought the average conception time was actually a year? If I was your SIL I would be extremely miffed at your attitude that "it should have been me first so I can't be happy for you" and it would possibly damage the relationship, I have had similar jealousy issues from my SIL in the past (but not pregnancy related) and I am perfectly civil and nice to her when I see her but don't go out of my way to speak to her and can't see us ever being good friends, if she had behaved this way when I had announced my pregnancy I don't think I could even manage that.

Kayano · 20/11/2011 17:04

Op have you had any replys to your emails?

Do u expect to be godmother etc?

maamalady · 20/11/2011 17:11

YAB so completely U I don't quite know what to say. Seven months? FFS, get a grip. We've been trying two years and counting, several of my friends and family are pregnant - and you know what? I'm happy for them, because it's the most wonderful and exciting thing ever. I am genuinely astonished that anyone could react in such a spiteful and petty manner. Yes, it's upsetting because you can't help but feel jealous, but to send emails saying this as if your brother and SIL have anything to apologise for is madness.

Hopefully your brother and his wife are bigger people than you are, and are able to rise above such nonsense without letting it upset them or cause a rift in your family.

newbiedoobiedoo · 20/11/2011 17:14

Is this a wind up?

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 20/11/2011 17:29

You sound like a spoilt child, I can only hope you are stewing in your wrongness.

Andrewofgg · 20/11/2011 18:07

Apocalypse That is the sort of grossly unkind remark I expect from my gender, not yours, unless indeed you are male. OP was wrong but has apologised - why hurt her when she is vulnerable?

Kayano · 20/11/2011 18:24

Andrew... She hasn't really apologised though...

Andrewofgg · 20/11/2011 18:27

There's still no need for Apocalypse to be hurtful, though, is there?

pink4ever · 20/11/2011 18:28

FFS the nasty to the op on this thread is appalling. She is having a bad time because she desperatly wants to be pregnant and isnt. Way too kick a person when they are down.

Am sure none of the posters on this thread have ever done/said/behaved in a way that on reflection werent the bestHmm

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 20/11/2011 18:32

You cant help the way you feel. Its ok to feel whatever way you want, however unreasonable it really is.

But we cant inflict our feelings on everyone around us. They dont deserve it and we havent got the right to do it.

Taking away from someone else's joy does not diminish our grief.

For a long time I could bearly look at a teenage girl but I listened to proud parents tell me about their DD's acheivements and felt happy for them. Even though it was killing me.

It would have only made me feel worse to be mean to them.

OP - in the long run you are going to make yourself feel even worse than you do now if you continue with this sort of behaviour. I hope you get pg really soon but what if you dont? You will drive yourself spare and drive your friends and family away too.

HeidiKat · 20/11/2011 18:32

Pink4ever we have all behaved wrongly at times, we are all human. The OP chose to post in AIBU where people are brutally honest rather than the conception boards where she might have found more sympathy.

AuntieDoris · 20/11/2011 18:34

You may have been unreasonable to send them an email but I do get that feeling of feeling really sad that someone else is pregnant when you are trying so hard. My younger sister has two children and we have been trying for 15 months with no success. Both times she phoned me to tell me she was pregnant I cried. It didn't matter how hard I tried not to I was and still am unbelievably envious of what she has and what I do not.

I love my niece and nephew dearly and wouldn't want to be with out them, but secretly I still wish I had got there first! And before anyone comments, I know that is unreasonable!

Kayano · 20/11/2011 18:39

I haven't been nasty to op, but on AIBU you have to be ready to be told when you have been unreasonable, and ten wen you are still being unreasonable after 'apologising'

A lot of people on both sides will feel upset at this. Those in similar positions to OP and those in similar position to the SIL

IneedAbetterNickname · 20/11/2011 18:41

YANBU to feel the way you do, but YABU to have sent that email! My SIL is pg with her DC3, and I am,if I'm honest, insanely jealous, despite the fact that I am not even TTC! But I am so broody it hurts! However, I have congratulated her, and ask how the baby bump is every so often. I hope you conceive soon :)

ReindeerBollocks · 20/11/2011 18:46

I've been on the receiving end of this, I was pregnant SIL wasn't, but was TTC.

SIL made it very difficult for me, told me about private miscarriages I didn't know she had, talk of what she would do when she got pregnant, not wanting to know how scans went/what the sex of the baby was etc.

Whilst I was treated quite badly I tried to be sympathetic to my SIL, she was clearly suffering, and I tried to do my best to ease her pain. It can't be easy knowing that SIL is pregnant when you want a baby so badly. Take a couple of weeks to get used to the news, then send them a positive email asking about baby stuff. Don't alienate yourself for the entire pregnancy as you might feel worse in the long run.

Plus, seven months may feel like a long time but is actually not when TTC. Good luck TTC and I hope eventually this can bring you all together, rather than arguing over it.

MrsJAlfredPrufrock · 20/11/2011 18:47

LOL at "After ... and taking a 2 week romantic holiday, I'm still not pregnant."

thebigkahuna · 20/11/2011 18:47

I don't think it's accurate to say that someone who has been ttc for 7 months and is not yes pregnant is "having problems conceiving".

That is a perfectly normal length of time. It's not a race.

OP, well, I guess you know YABU by now.

eminencegrise · 20/11/2011 18:50

'FFS the nasty to the op on this thread is appalling. She is having a bad time because she desperatly wants to be pregnant and isnt. Way too kick a person when they are down.'

But it's okay for you to continually kick a 21-year-old disabled girl with a 7-week-old baby when she's down. Hmm

Xmasbaby11 · 20/11/2011 18:51

YABU. What did you want to achieve by sending that email? You need to apologise - it was cruel and selfish to lash out and try to rain on their parade.

I know it feels like forever, but 7 months is not very long to TTC. We took 9 and I wasn't at the point of worrying. Of course, when friends got pregnant during that time, I felt a pang and wondered if it would ever happen for us. It is normal to feel jealous, but please try not to be bitter. You could end up driving everyone away, when friends and family are invaluable support in difficult times.

Best of luck TTC.