Feelings of anger SIL pregnant

[KIWIFTM]

After 7 months of charting my cycles and staying a strict diet, no alcohol, fertility yoga and taking a romantic 2 week holiday - I'm still not pregnant.
I have just found out that my SIL is pregnant and am finding it really hard to be happy for them. In fact I'm feeling really angry at them. Firstly I had let on to my brother that we were trying and they kept that to themselves ( we live in different countries). I feel like I've been lied to and now I am expected to be happy, with the added heartbreak of not being pregnant myself. I think they're being unrealistic about a happy reaction from me.
I was on the phone to my family the other day and I was passed over to my SIL, as they are only 6 weeks I had been told not to talk about it, so I didn't. We have quite a 'superficial' relationship and I never share my feelings with her, so when I emailed to say how I was feeling I think she thought I was dumping on her. Now my SIL is kicking up a fuss saying I am not happy for them and am causing problems in our family. What do they need from me anyway? they've got what they want - Am I being unreasonable?

OP I have been trying to conceive since Feb of this year, its not happened. I thought it would of by now. I am feeling a bit disappointed, starting to get a bit worried etc etc.

I can understand where you are coming from in regard to finding it hard to be happy for others. 3 of my close friends have announced their pregnancies in my time of TTC. Now I learn both my SIL are trying to conceive too and yes I will be a bit FGS if they fall immediately.

These are my private thoughts, I would never share them. First reason been although it has stung a bit I am genuinely happy for them I can separate that from my own feelings of disappointment that Im not pg.
Secondly one of those close friends has had 14 mc, only has one ovary and has just given birth to a baby she has wanted and tried to have for TEN years. Puts my ten months into perspective.

I think the best way forward is to send another email. This time do not mention yourself, instead apologise profusely and try and be genuine.

FWIW - your conception could take a while yet, hopefully it wont but if it does, and you continue to alienate everybody it will be a long and lonely pregnancy.

why should she hide her feelings? Because her feelings aren't her pregnant SIL's fault.

Also, another point TTC can become all consuming. I have up to now ignored charts.

The other morning I actually shouted at my ovulation test "what do you mean no?! MN says I should be now" I then flung said test in the bin and kicked the bin and sat on the bath in a sulk for ten minutes.

This month I am not testing ovulation, or my mucus, or my temperature, I dont want to know if my cervix feels like a banana or a orange or any other bloody food item.

I think from your original post your obviously getting a little bit too hooked up on it (totally natural) perhaps do some fun things for a while and take the pressure of yourself. You may find it works wonders.

ITs not about hiding feelings completely. When I found out one of the friends was pregnant I smiled said "wow congratulations" gave her a hug and laughed and carried on.

I came home sat on the couch and ate a mars bar telling my DP that I was sick of everyone been pregnant but me. (slightly dramatic but thats how it felt)

You share your feelings with someone close to you but not the person who is pregnant!

davey-by the same token her feelings are not the op's fault. Do you really think she would choose to feel like this? She cant be feeling that great about herself especially if she has read some of the supportive comments on this thread

YANBU for feeling this way. I understand it must be painful and you're clearly feeling quite irrational at the moment. However, YABVU for taking it out on your bro and SIL. It's not their fault it's taking a while for you. It's just one of those things. Suck it up and please do apologise properly without mentioning your problems. This is about them. Don't let this ruin your relationship with your brother and sister-in-law.

Keep your feelings about yourself separate. If I were you, I would let the pain and anger you're feeling out but not at them. Talk to your partner or someone else. Although it's painful, try to keep it zipped around them. It's not their fault she got pregnant quickly and it's taking you a while. It's no one's fault and, as I said above, just one of those (difficult to deal with) things.

I'm not usually a fan of the ''well I had it worse and was a saint post'' but here goes. We had 10 years of trying, 6 early miscarriages, £10,000 of tests and IVF - whilst the world, his wife, every friend, acquaintance, family member of fertile age and 2 of my godchidlren - got pregnant and had beautiful healthy babies - some even had the audacity to have bloody twins. My DH and I were happy for all of them, sad for us but happy for them.

We are not meercats - one of the pack having a litter does not suppress the other females fertility hormones.

In all kindness - Get over yourself

'davey-by the same token her feelings are not the op's fault. Do you really think she would choose to feel like this?'

i really agree with pinkforever

You don't choose to feel like this. I had no say in the way I felt after loosing my babies. It just was the most shit feeling ever, no words can describe the agony. It can take over your whole life. Things that remind you of it are hellish. I have never had fertility problems as such but took over 12 months to concieve DS3 after a loss over 20 weeks. However, I have friends who have and it sounds hell.

The OP's SIL surely would be tactful if she knows OP has been ttc for a while? Surely she would expect it may hurt OP abit?

raspberry-good for you in behaving like that-being the that saintly must feel good. But you are not the op so please do not tell her how to feel. As I said in my previous post noone in their right mind would choose to feel like this.

In all seriousness-cut her some slack.

Quick reminder that the OP has been TTC for a grand total of seven months. That's months ....not seven years.
Perspective if you please.

pictish-and your point is? Yes to you our I 7 months my seem like nothing but to the op it seems a long time. She has already said she is very ambitious-perhaps she thought this would be easy and now sees herself as a bit of a failure? Who are we to tell her how to feel?

She has apologised to sil-perhaps she didnt word it greatly but she is having a bad time. She doesnt need people on here kicking her when she is down.

Perhaps sil is the type who will gloat or be uber precious over her pregnancy-I think the poster who said sensitivity cuts both ways had it spot on. At the end of the day she is pregnant and op is not so nowt much for sil to moan about in my book.

Wow, whether you have since apologised and explained your feelings to your brother and sister in law or not. You had no right to be so harsh and critical in the first place.
I hope that your family and friends are a lot happier for you, when you do eventually fall pregnant.

How were you lied to?

I do hope you get space, I'd give it to you because you sound quite self-absorbed and immature. Even thinking that, 'Well I'm older and my younger brother is getting head of me' sounds very juvenile for your age. This sounds incredibly silly to even register.

I hope you use the space to try to learn to be more adult, and how sometimes in adulthood it's very important to hide some feelings from our loved ones, no matter that it's no one's fault, because to reveal them is very hurtful and mean-spirited.

If I were your brother, I'd be so very hurt by both your communications, but I'd hide that and try to forgive mostly because I loved you.

So what if the SIL is over-precious about her pregnancy? Aren't we all, the first time? There's no excuse to act like this among adults! So upsetting.

pictish quite.

I haven't read all the threads so apologies if I've missed something - but

Getting pregnant is the start of a very long journey for you SIL. Without being depressing - what if she lost the baby? What if the baby is ill? What if this is the only pregnancy that she ever has? What if, what if, what if . . . She is at the start of her journey.

You are at the start of a different journey, and no matter how you feel about 'getting pregnant' I suspect when you do fall pregnant you will fully understand just how your SIL may feel right now.

Please do try to be kind about her journey. If only you could allow yourself to flash forward and think about if and when you have children and future family gatherings. How lovely for there to be minimal undercurrents.

Put aside how you feel and try to be as welcoming as you can - she'll be excited and terrified and fragile - as everyone has said 7 months is no time for you to be trying.

OP - YABVU. I understand feeling hurt. I had not long had a miscarriage when two of my friends told me, within five minutes of each other, that they were pregnant. I felt completely stung. BUT I put on my happy face and gave them big congratulations.

Then I found a quiet place and had a cry to myself.

It's okay to be sad for you, but it's unfair to put that on your brother and his wife. They've done nothing wrong.

You really need to give them an apology that doesnt justify your behaviour.

Also, I have a very close friend who tried for a baby for over 8 years. She tried the usual route and when that didn't work she tried IVF. She had two ectopic pregnancies from IVF. Finally she gave up and they tried to adopt. That had its' own problems. When the adoption finally fell through, she gave up. Less than a year later, she fell pregnant with her ds. And then three months after his birth, she fell pregnant with ds2.

You need to understand it can take time and people will get pregnant while you're trying. If you don't want to lose a lot of friends/piss off relatives, you need to practice your happy face.

Oh she's ambitious! I see. I didn't realise that she was ambitious! Well in that case I take everything I said back.....ambitious people are, of course, perfectly within their rights to expect to be first at everything, even when it's a matter of sheer luck.

Perhaps her sil is absolutely NOT the type to gloat or be uber sensitive over her pregnancy? Perhaps she's a perfectly nice woman who is annoyed that her 'ambitious' sil holds her pregnancy against her, and feels saddened that said sil is kicking up a stink about something no-one can be held accountable for, and is blighting her happy news by making it all about herself? I dunno. Neither do you.

Point is - no-one is saying she can't or shouldn't feel as jealous she does. We can all empathise with her feelings.
What we ARE saying, is that in this instance, given the relatively short amount of time the OP has been TTC, it was wholly inappropriate to express those resentments to the delighted parents-to-be, and expect a reaction in her favour. We do not empathise with her actions.

What the OP did was wrong. An apology devoid of 'but me me me' is the only way to reset the balance.

Yanbu to feel like that. Yabu to behave as you have.

I agree the OP has no control over her feelings none of us do. However we all have control over how we express those feelings. I completely sympathise with how she feels, I've been there. There are healthier ways to let out those frustrations like talking to her DH, a counsellor or on the boards on here.

Alienating her family and friends is not only nasty to them but not healthy for OP and will not help her sanity. I mean that in the nicest possible way.

pink4ever - I wasn't a saint - but I did act like a reasonable adult - not a spolit entitled bitch !

Her sil pregnancy does not stop her getting pregnant!!

Yes, but then she won't be first. You know, it's so important .

I still don't understand how she was lied to, unless she thought that by telling her brother she was TTC he was supposed to wait until she was pregnant? For real? What was he supposed to do, stay celibate? What if the condom broke? Was he supposed to order his wife to use MAP in case his elder sister were not pregnant yet?

I'm confused how she was lied to.

We had been trying for a baby for 2 years. We fell pregnant. I told my Aunty, not one word of congratulations, just 'Don't tell N and W they have been trying for 6 months' oh thanks Aunt.

4 years later after 3.5 years of trying for number 2, We fell pregnant again, once again (oh how could I have been so stupid) told my Aunt that I was pregnant, again no congratulations, just a cat's arse mouth and warning not to tell N and W as they had been trying for No 3 for the last couple of months. Ta for that.
Aunt has been gone for 6 years now, can never quite forget her comments.

OP what I am trying to say is, it doesn't matter how you apologise, and if people forgive your comments, the words linger .....