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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say this to a child?

491 replies

MarieFromStMoritz · 20/11/2011 05:27

OK, my DS is being regularly beaten up by a boy in his year. My DS is 6 years old and the other child is about the same. I have spoken to the teacher about it, and she spoke to the child. We thought that would be the end of it. However, my DS came home on Thursday and told us that not only had this child done it again, but he was getting other children to hit him, too. I asked DH where the teacher was, and he said that she was talking to some other children, so didn't see. He said he then went to speak to her but she was busy talking to other people, and then the bell went.

So, I have been seething about this all weekend. My DS is a delightful little boy and wants to be friends with everyone. I love him so much and cannot bear the thought of anybody hurting him.

So, this morning I asked DS to point out this child, which he did. I went over to the child with my DS so that he knew who I was. I bent down to the child's level, pointed my finger an inch from his face, and said: "if you ever hurt my son again, there will be trouble. Do you understand me?" The child's lip started quivering and he walked away.

I was stood in the playground for a while to keep an eye on things, and this child kept looking at me. It occurred to me afterwards that as I was wearing sunglasses, he could not see whether or not I was looking at him. He looked a bit intimidated and afterwards I felt quite bad.

My job is to protect my child, non? But why do I feel so bad? And WIBU? Thanks.

OP posts:
MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 20/11/2011 09:49

My sister did the same OP but with two 9 year old girls who called her 6 year old DD fat and stupid...(which she is not)

She KNEW that it would go on and on if she didn't put the far of God into them and so she scared the crap out of them with a "look" and a few words...no swearing just a thinly veiled threat of big trouble.....there have been NO moreincidents and my niece knows now that her Mum will help her when needed.

Neice feels more confident too....she's seen HOW to stand u for herself.

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 20/11/2011 09:50

Meant to say YANBU!

Loonytoonie · 20/11/2011 09:50

Vicki1981

I would be upset to find out my daughter was upsetting another child and wouldn't mind a parent telling her off should that ever occur (she's only 3 atm)

You imagine you wouldn't feel upset, but you may very well be a bit put-out about it if and when it actually happens. I've had another Mum pull my daughter up about something she hadn't done quite recently, and it's not something that sits easily, I can tell you.

JamieComeHome · 20/11/2011 09:51

BTW, i have given "the look" to a bully, and it can be effective, but I would not go further than that

Loonytoonie · 20/11/2011 09:51

Sorry, meant to add, that you've got to be in full grasp of the facts with children in this age group, because their view on things are never objective.

DownbytheRiverside · 20/11/2011 09:52

Smile Thank you for the enlightenment!

perceptionreality · 20/11/2011 09:53

For all those of you saying it works, yes it probably does - but to frighten small children with threats is not civilised behaviour.

pictish · 20/11/2011 09:54

YANBU!

Sod the little toad.
There's nothing wrong with making a little bully aware that he is being watched and his actions are not appreciated.

I don't think it's 'aggressive' or 'threatening' - it's what happens if you pick on other kids....their parents get pissed off with you.

Hope it's stopped him in his tracks OP.

cory · 20/11/2011 10:06

I don't have an opinion of the OPs child at all- but I do know of a parent who ended up with egg on her face having steamed into school to complain about her son being bullied only to be told in no uncertain terms that the shoe was on the other foot. So remembering this, I have always gone in very carefully and with an open mind. Not that I don't trust my dcs- but it never hurts to tread carefully.

Loonytoonie · 20/11/2011 10:08

DownbytheRiverside if that's directed at me, then save the sarcasm. Merely pointing out that it's easy to play the virtuous parent until someone ticks off one of your own. I challenge anyone to not feel differently.

SmethwickBelle · 20/11/2011 10:10

YANBU. I'd be fixing the child with a withering stare from this point on too.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 20/11/2011 10:13

Just to add another thought before I go out. We lived in Oman where a lot of children are brought up by domestic staff. Some have very little parental input and very little discipline.
I still think the OP did the right thing.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 20/11/2011 10:14

And, some school staff are intimidated by parents and are status conscious.

DownbytheRiverside · 20/11/2011 10:14

'DownbytheRiverside if that's directed at me, then save the sarcasm. Merely pointing out that it's easy to play the virtuous parent until someone ticks off one of your own. I challenge anyone to not feel differently.'

I was referring to the fact that I hadn't considered schools in Muslim countries wouldn't work on a Friday. The comment was addressed to the OP and QueenofDenial who pointed it out to me. I like being enlightened rather than ignorant.

DownbytheRiverside · 20/11/2011 10:15

I sould have put their names in the post to avoid misunderstanding, so apologies.

SarahStratton · 20/11/2011 10:16

I'd have done the same.

OP has gone through the school, the school have dealt with it ineffectively. Hopefully, it will stop the little shit in his tracks.

Oh, and the school bus is perfectly credible. I live in a rural area. Children are bussed to school from villages miles away. If the parent doesn't drive, etc, they have no choice other than to put the child on the school bus. It's a school bus, not public transport.

Loonytoonie · 20/11/2011 10:16

Good point Kreecher. Safe to say, that not many of us, myself included, know the ways of schooling in other parts of the world.

It's a tough one - certainly in the UK, the school will take a dim view of this, most certainly. That cannot be disputed at least.

Rational · 20/11/2011 10:17

Of course it was completely unreasonable.

You may well think your little boy is the sweetest gentlest little thing in the world but essentially we have no idea what they're doing in the playground.

Your choice of language was a bit disingenuous too, first he was beaten up, then he was 'hit'. Which was it? I'd be surprised if he was beaten up.

They're 6 ffs, 6 year old boys will be 6 year old boys. If you were really that worried you should have visited the head teacher until it was resolved.

You have absolutely no right to intimidate another child like that, if it had been my child I'd have kicked your arse!

Loonytoonie · 20/11/2011 10:18

Ah, I get it. Then I withdraw what I said Smile.

Loonytoonie · 20/11/2011 10:18

No harm done DownbytheRiverside Smile

Hardgoing · 20/11/2011 10:20

I utterly disagree with the way you handled this, because at our school, if you picked on the wrong child, you may well be starting a feud with the parents, who, in my experience might be rougher and tougher than you.

I think the best thing to do with bulling is to get it out in the open. At aged 6, your child isn't being 'beaten up', he got hit a few times which is completely awful, and the teacher and the head all need to come down on this like a tonne of bricks and reinforce that NO-ONE treats anyone like that in their school on their watch. They need to get the boy who hit yours to go to the headteacher, have a telling off, inform his parents and have sanctions like missing play. They then need to speak to the other children about being sheep-like and hitting people because someone tells you to. This is what happened to my dd1 recently and it was handled in an exemplary fashion by the school and we have had no repeat whatsoever as I would have been living at the school til they sorted it out

At present, all the power still rests with the bully, ok you have threatened him, but he may move to more subtle ways, like name-calling, evil looks or getting other children to hit your son.

And by acting in this way, you have compromised your ability to hold the righteous moral ground and if the child tells the teacher what you have done, you will be in trouble, not him.

If you had gone through the school, and the headteacher, and the governors, all reminding them of their duty of care using their bullying policy, and the child was older and not six, I might think you had done the right thing. But I don't agree this is the right way to handle bulling at this age.

northernwreck · 20/11/2011 10:21

"6 year old boys will be 6 year old boys."

Oh jesus. It is attitudes like that that end in 12 year old boys hanging themselves because they are being so badly bullied, and the adults around them think that they should suck it up because "boys will be boys".

Fuck that.

My sister used to get bullied, and they used to follow her home from school. One day my mum came out and scared this girl, who was the hardest nut in the school, so bad she never spoke to my sis again.And all my mum did was the quiet scary voice (Think Hannibal Lecter..)

OP YANBU, you stood up for your kid.

WelshMoth · 20/11/2011 10:23

I'd perhaps have wanted to do the same (gut reaction, protect my child etc), but engaging the full-support of the school is what is really necessary.

I'd go back in to the school and insist that stronger action is taken. The class teacher may very well have spoken to the child in question, but will still be needing to be kept in the picture should the hitting or 'beating up' continue.

OP, can you tell us exactly what's happening to your child?

UnsureRightNow · 20/11/2011 10:26

I am actually quite appalled at what you did OP. It was a 6 year old child FGS. I understand that you want to protect your child but surely what you did was bullying. You spoke to the child IMO in a sly and menacing manner which is cowardly on your part, mean and nasty. You behaving like a bully.

As others have said you have no idea of this child's background. It is absolutely NOT your place to chastise someone else's child. Especially not in such a horrible manner.

Oh and you taught your child that the way to handle situations is to be the biggest, meanest bully - good luck when he comes home doing the same to other children.

CardyMow · 20/11/2011 10:26

Sorry, though I have always followed crappy useless school 'procedures', IMO If you have told the teacher once that a child has been hitting your dc, and that other child hits your dc again - then the school haven't dealt with it effectively. It should NOT happen more than once, and should NEVER happen again after you have told the school.

Some bloke hits you at work hard enough to leave a mark - you would not expect to call the police, then two days later have him do the same thing again, would you? So why should our dc have to put up with that?

I have given up on the school's useless procedures, and now I tell the child that has hurt mine NOT to touch my dc again or there will be trouble! (Though it has taken me from Reception to Y5 to get to that point, with my DS1 being picked on non-stop). Now, sod the school, I am dealing with it. And, surprisingly enough - it has calmed right down since I have taken that tack!

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