to say this to a child?

[MarieFromStMoritz]

OK, my DS is being regularly beaten up by a boy in his year. My DS is 6 years old and the other child is about the same. I have spoken to the teacher about it, and she spoke to the child. We thought that would be the end of it. However, my DS came home on Thursday and told us that not only had this child done it again, but he was getting other children to hit him, too. I asked DH where the teacher was, and he said that she was talking to some other children, so didn't see. He said he then went to speak to her but she was busy talking to other people, and then the bell went.

So, I have been seething about this all weekend. My DS is a delightful little boy and wants to be friends with everyone. I love him so much and cannot bear the thought of anybody hurting him.

So, this morning I asked DS to point out this child, which he did. I went over to the child with my DS so that he knew who I was. I bent down to the child's level, pointed my finger an inch from his face, and said: "if you ever hurt my son again, there will be trouble. Do you understand me?" The child's lip started quivering and he walked away.

I was stood in the playground for a while to keep an eye on things, and this child kept looking at me. It occurred to me afterwards that as I was wearing sunglasses, he could not see whether or not I was looking at him. He looked a bit intimidated and afterwards I felt quite bad.

My job is to protect my child, non? But why do I feel so bad? And WIBU? Thanks.

Hardgoing, top post.

northern and there have been plenty of kids labelled wrongly, for whatever reason, and they end up drifting through school with no support. Different I know, but damaging all the same.

It's clear that at 6 years of age, you need as a parent, to do more than just react on instinct. Gather facts and engage the school to it's maximum potential.

Loonietoony mentioned up above about parents going up against the school and taking matters into their own hands, and how counter-productive it is. She's spot on.

If matters like this are to be cleared up effectually, and for the long-term, then you have to work WITH the school. That means open lines of communication.

It's not bullying FGS, it is reprimanding a child for unacceptable behavior. These days it seems that adults are scared of being adults. I don't give a shit what the other childs background is-why does that matter?

I agree too that if one adult hit another it would be taken very seriously, so why not protect our children?

I actually disagree 'boys will be boys'. This behaviour is appalling and needs stamping out now, by those who are in charge during the day (i.e. not you, the school). I would have been up at the school daily until I had a clear action plan, the child had been reprimanded/parents told/on daily report. I would not have gone home when the bell went, I would have asked for a meeting with the teacher, then one with the head had that not been satisfactory.

Threatening six year olds is not the way to go, although I think a 'I'm watching you' look is perfectly permissable.

Of course it is preferable that the school deals with it-but sometimes they don't, or they have the "boys will be boys" attitude as well.

Can I also add that I don't think it was the right thing to do?

SarahStratton I don't actually think the school have been involved fully yet. The OP spoke to the teacher, once. She spoke to the child involved. So far, so good. It happened again. And the OP's boy didn't tell the teacher. He tried, but didn't manage to have a word. It's not his fault but it's not the teacher's either - she was talking to other children during that manic last few minutes at the end of the day (if the bell went next) and wasn't to know the Op's son was trying to tell her things. So as far as school know, there has been no recurrance of the difficulty.

I don't see this as failing to act by the school - they have dealt with things that they know have happened.
Now you might say that since the other lad did it again, they weren't being effective. But, many six year olds will have one last go (how many times have we all stood there saying 'Don't do that. I said, don't' while watching our child assessing us to see if we really mean it?). So the school then need the chance to come back again and show that they mean what they say.
Don't really think we need to label a six year old a little shit, either. Maybe he is, some kids can be. But you don't know him at all - it just might be rough and tumble that went very wrong and he needs specific guidance on this. Might not, but just as you shouldn't excuse punching unless you have a definite reason, so you shouldn't label a young child until you know him.

And as others have said, you don't know the circumstances. What if the two boys had been playing brilliantly and then one lad snatched a toy and the other lad didn't know how to deal with it other than thump? Doesn't excuse the thump, but it does mean that an incidents need to be looked at with a 'big picture' view rather than perceived bullying.

No-one is advocating, as far as I can see, the OP does nothing. Just that frightening a six year old you don't know, when you don't have the full picture either, is not the way forward. You go back to the school and give them a decent chance to do something.

If the child who was threatened reports the op, I expect she is going to struggle to move this matter forward as they will be too busy dealing with her bullying never mind the childs.

Ok, for the pedants among us "Children will be children", I thought with the OP referring to boys I was safe enough to refer to them, but hey ho. They are 6 year old children. You were out of order.

no, I don't think the gender was the issue. It is assuming that a six year old is not actually being bullied.

I was actually asking her not to assume that was the case at all actually.

Are we in a parallel universe? it has been going on for a while and the school has already been involved. the op said so in her first post.

As Dave said, I wasn't being pedantic about the gender, more disagreeing that it's fine for a six year old boy to be set upon by another, who is co-ordinating other children to join in.

HuntyCat- you have my sympathies if you have tried this after years of bullying and exhausting all procedures at school. I too think action is needed if your child is bullied relentlessly for years, personally I would rather homeschool than put my child through what some of my friends endured at our comp.

However, this isn't what has happened here, and I can't see any evidence that threats from parents stop anything, often bullying cases which escalate really badly involve bullying the whole family/whole family vendettas on our estate. As I say, the OP may be happy threatening a six year old, but I very much doubt she would care to take on some of the parents I have encountered over the years.

At six, they are still quite scared of authority, and a good school with a firm bullying policy should be able to sort it out. As my husband pointed out (when I wanted to sort a similar situation out myself), we can't follow our children around all day at school. If you are their only protector, this leaves them completely vulnerable (unless they are prepared to turn round and fight themselves). It's better to have a whole host of adults at school looking out for your child, with sanctions and the parents being brought in if it continues.

The OP can only be happy with her intervention if a) the child doesn't tell b) it is effective and her child is never touched again. We don't know if that is going to be true, so I don't see any victory here.

The OP is my new hero! I have so often fantasised about doing this to kids who were being mean to my DD. When I was a kid, it was quite normal for adults to tell off other people's children. Quite right too. If the teacher in OP's child school wasn't doing her job properly, then it's up to OP to nip the problem in the bud. Good for her.

OP I don't think you are unreasonable at all, good for you, I hope the brat leaves your child alone now

How can you conclude the problem is 'nipped in the bud'? The child may wait a week and restart the previous bullying- what then?

YABU. I appreciate that you felt the teacher didn't resolve but you spoke to her once, you should have approached her again, talked to the head, the child's parent etc. You are taking your son's word as given - he is six (two sides).#

Have it ever occured to you that you will now be the talk of the playground and possibly labelled a loon and this might stop other children playing with your son.

Ok, so you walked up to a 6yr old child and threatened him with 'trouble' whilst pointing your finger in his face...why?

Oh yes, because you took your child's word for the fact this boy is the trouble maker, with absolutely no evidence whatsoever other than the word of your own child?

If you threatened a child in my DS's school, you'd be in a hell of a lot of trouble and rightly so.

Use a modicum of sense next time and sort it out through the correct channels.

well done {smile}

@Hardgoing: "How can you conclude the problem is 'nipped in the bud'? The child may wait a week and restart the previous bullying- what then?"

And then I go to the school and tell them I'm taking my kid out until they sort the problem out. I am so sick of the way bullies get an easy ride in schools - and it's not nice to see all the people on here making excuses for the bully and implying the OP's child is telling lies. I have a close friend whose DD is the sweetest, gentlest kid you can imagine. She was relentlessly bullied by girls in her class (bullying of the psychological kind rather than the physical variety), and my friend went to the school time and time again. The class teacher kept reassuring her that the problem was being dealt with, while also implying that my friend's DD was probably exaggerating - but my friend had to listen to her DD crying herself to sleep every night. Eventually she took DD out and put her in a different school where she is now much, much happier.

What I like about the OP is that she didn't accuse her child of telling lies or making stuff up (imagine how damaging that is to a child's ability to trust in his parents) but, having failed to get the school to deal with the problem, dealt with it herself. So now her son knows that that his mum cares about him and will listen to him and take what he says seriously.

Thugs need to be dealt with (and yes, I'm afraid six-year olds can be thugs, and so can four year olds and three year olds) and if the school doesn't do it, then it's up to the parent to do it.

It might backfire. A mother in our school did this in the playground in the morning to a 6 year old boy who was chasing her son, in fact her son had been bullying the other boy, who has SN. The chasing boy's mother reported the telling off mother to the school who issued her with a written warning about her behaviour on school grounds, I gather (I don't know her very well) the relationship between her and the school is completely broken down now.

YABU and you have now compromised your position with the school.
You were not an eye witness to what took place. Your role is to comfort and support your son and keep the school informed so that they can play their part.

I have the experience of a parent approach my DD in the playground and "give her a stern warning" about the way she was treating a classmate. DD was really upset and frightened by this. I contacted the school because if there was any chance my DD was behaving an a way that could cause upset to another child then I would want to support the school in dealing with this. But also because the parent approached my child in the school grounds which is a place where the pupils have the right to feel safe. If it was wrong for your DS to feel frightened it was equally wrong for the other boy.

Turns out was nothing more than a typical three into two dosen't go situation and my DD was had done nothing. However, the other mum has now gained the reputation of being a loon, as her actions were witnessed and her daughter's relationships with her peers have suffered. Had I persued a complaint she may well have been asked not to enter the school grounds.

There are proceedures and you should have followed them.

That's absolutely right Hackmum, the OP should have gone into the school and had it dealt with in the firmest manner, making it clear that she wouldn't tolerate this for her child and would be happy to escalate it up. to the head, governors and beyond if it wasn't dealt with immediately. That's what I did in a very similar situation and I think my manner (which was that this is a top priority that I want sorting now) helped ensure that the school paid it their full attention.

I am not excusing bullying, and would never advocate giving bullies an easy ride. Please don't imply that I am. I would also not let it go on for months or years, when it happened to my child aged 7 one afternoon, I was up at the school half an hour early the next day, for a formal meeting. Had it ever happened again (which it didn't as dealt with incredibly firmly), I would have been having a meeting with the governors.

But, it's far from clear that the OP has solved the problem (what if the other children who were hitting him carry on, is she going to threaten them too?)

And, for all those fantasising about frightening a six year old, at least I fantasised about having a go at the parents, who were a lot tougher-looking than me. Pick on someone your own size if you reckon you're hard enough.

My husband and his ex were getting all carried away with what they'd like to do to a little boy that had been 'bullying' their little boy a bit at school (they were 6 too), they wanted to do exactly what the OP did, they'd tell the little shit off etc etc.

I was shocked at this response. It must be awful to have your child bullied but they, at this point, didn't have the full story. I advised that they should purely deal with the school and take it further down that route if they didn't get anywhere. My feelings were that even if it were proved to be true (stepson can be a wuss), that they have no idea why this little boy reacts like he does, maybe it's all he knows how to work with. Luckily there were no confrontations, and the lazy mother didn't even pursue it through the school. She possibly didn't have time before the offending little boy was taken into care because of abuse within his home. The poor little sod really didn't know how to deal with issues without violence, that's what happened at home.

And anyone who thinks that another adult showing him who's boss is the way forward should be ashamed.