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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say this to a child?

491 replies

MarieFromStMoritz · 20/11/2011 05:27

OK, my DS is being regularly beaten up by a boy in his year. My DS is 6 years old and the other child is about the same. I have spoken to the teacher about it, and she spoke to the child. We thought that would be the end of it. However, my DS came home on Thursday and told us that not only had this child done it again, but he was getting other children to hit him, too. I asked DH where the teacher was, and he said that she was talking to some other children, so didn't see. He said he then went to speak to her but she was busy talking to other people, and then the bell went.

So, I have been seething about this all weekend. My DS is a delightful little boy and wants to be friends with everyone. I love him so much and cannot bear the thought of anybody hurting him.

So, this morning I asked DS to point out this child, which he did. I went over to the child with my DS so that he knew who I was. I bent down to the child's level, pointed my finger an inch from his face, and said: "if you ever hurt my son again, there will be trouble. Do you understand me?" The child's lip started quivering and he walked away.

I was stood in the playground for a while to keep an eye on things, and this child kept looking at me. It occurred to me afterwards that as I was wearing sunglasses, he could not see whether or not I was looking at him. He looked a bit intimidated and afterwards I felt quite bad.

My job is to protect my child, non? But why do I feel so bad? And WIBU? Thanks.

OP posts:
woollyideas · 21/11/2011 17:28

Oh for pity's sake. No-one is objecting to a child being told off; they are objecting to a child being threatened by a parent who did not witness the incident taking place and where no proof of bullying exists. There is a massive difference.

(a) I witness my child being deliberately hit by another child, causing pain. Do I have a word with the child who hit mine? Yes, absolutely, but in an appropriate way that does not involve threatening language/fingers in face.

(b) My child says another child has been persistently hitting them, but I have seen nothing myself, nor do I have any proof that anything concrete has happened. Do I listen to my child/go and see a teacher/try to get to the bottom of things? Yes. Do I go up to alleged hitter and threaten them? No, I bloody don't.

woollyideas · 21/11/2011 17:29

By the way, that was, of course, addressed to the people who are referring to the 'little bully/thug' despite no evidence...

KittyFane · 21/11/2011 17:30

Jamie I agree with you to a certain extent.

However some DC are just plain vile, often vile to everyone.
Nobody's DC are perfect but bullies are a bloody menace and to be honest, I really don't care if they get scared. They should learn hard and fast that there will always be a person willing to stand up to them.

OP did go to the school first and the bullying continued.

seeker · 21/11/2011 17:30

"The other day my son (8) was told at school " Where is your brain, cos its not in your head" I can't imagine a teacher being able to say that in the UK."

What on earth makes you think a teacher couldn't say this in th UK?

JamieComeHome · 21/11/2011 17:31

Feminine - but that sounds a bit like my upbringing in the 70s - and lots of bullying went un-reported and unchallenged and lots of adults are damaged as a result.

Schools don't necessarily have to be punitive to small children to stop them bullying - my school manages to look at the reasons behind the behaviour as wel as the behaviour itself - for the benefit of the bully and all their potential victims

Feminine · 21/11/2011 17:32

wholly op did all that.

I think she had had enough.

insanity its done here all the time, I didn't/ don't really dig it but ... the kids are all fine.

They have built up more confidence actually, peculiar as it sounds.

KittyFane · 21/11/2011 17:33

woolley: By the way, that was, of course, addressed to the people who are referring to the 'little bully/thug' despite no evidence...
OP's child coming home having been hit on regular basis enough evidence?

recall · 21/11/2011 17:34

I can understand why you did it, and I bet he will not do it again. If an adult did what he did to another adult, the police would be called, kids deserve the same protection as adults, well done - little twat Angry

Feminine · 21/11/2011 17:34

seeker you honestly think a teacher would get away talking to an 8 year old boy like that (in a kind of laughing mocking tone?)

Ok then...

JamieComeHome · 21/11/2011 17:35

Kitty - I know children who hit first and then run to the teacher to tell them they've been hit back. I've seen it. It happens. I'm not saying this is the case for the OP. It probably isn't. But it could be

Feminine · 21/11/2011 17:38

Thinking about it a bit more...my eldest spent almost 3 years in the UK system, he was picked on.

Nobody did a bloody thing , apart from giving extra care to the bully.

Here, nobody does much either, but the kids don't stand for it so easily...

I am still a bit Confused and don't always like it , but it has been interesting!

JamieComeHome · 21/11/2011 17:43

Feminine - I would get really militant about it if it happened to me. I feel really bad that I didn't pick up what was happening to DS1 until I saw it. There should be zero tolerance for bullying behaviour as well as help for the bullied and the bully if necessary

DamnBamboo · 21/11/2011 17:54

YANBU.
My mother did just this when my little brother was being bullied (I tried to defend my brother but just got hit as well). She saw this child on the stairs in our school and told him in no uncertain terms that if it happened again, he would be a very sorry boy! It never did. This was of course about 27 years ago when you were generally allowed to discipline children should it be required.

I can totally understand why you did it. I really can.
The consequences of bullying nowadays are not even a slapped wrist and there is no real deterrent.

I'm pretty sure if bullies learn young that it isn't going to be tolerated, it may well change their behaviour. That said, you have to be certain.

DamnBamboo · 21/11/2011 18:00

I'm lucky with my sons new school though. He was the subject of minor bullying and he came home and told me about petty name-calling by year 6's (he's in year 2) and I initially tried the whole, 'they're being silly, walk away and tell a teacher etc...'
However, after a week or so, it was the first thing he said to me when I picked him up; a clear sign it was beginning to bother him. I went straight to his teacher, who went straight to their teacher who came down hard on them immediately.
They admitted to her directly that there were being spiteful and were made to stand up in assembly and say what they'd done and that they were sorry and it has never happened again.

I'm glad they dealt with it so quickly because like all bullying, it has the potential to escalate and I can safely say, had he been assaulted, I would have made your approach look mild.

Fortunately, he is a confident boy and wasn't too bothered by the name-calling although bothered enough to mention it and even more fortunately, he's at a school that has an absolute zero tolerance for it.

babybythesea · 21/11/2011 18:31

Well, all I know is that if my dd is seen by somone to thump someone else, I will happily let the adult who sees it give her a telling off, and tell her she deserves it if she complains.

If, however, an adult seeks her out in the playground and speaks to her like some imitation mafia boss, without even finding out her side of the story, then I will be up at the school querying whether that parent should be banned from school property for a week or so. And I will not join in with the bullying (seeking out a person specifically to intimidate them - wholly different from a verbal rebuke immediately after you've witnessed something) but try and get it sorted through the school Which means continuing o inform the school if there are repeat incidents. Compared to here when the OP told the school about the first instance and then didn't tell them about any further instances.

In every instance in adult justice, if you are accused of something, you are allowed to put forward your side. It is entirely possible that the OP's son called the other child 'silly' and he didn't like it and didn't know how else to respond. I'm not saying he did, but you don't know what really goes on between two six year olds. Look at the number of people who have given examples of their child insisting they'd been hit by another kid, even when they (the mother) had seen it and knew it to be an accident.

SoupDragon · 21/11/2011 18:37

"This was of course about 27 years ago when you were generally allowed to discipline children should it be required."

You do understand that no one is saying the child should not be disciplined, don't you? And you do understand the difference between discipline and threatening a child don't you?

When I was at school, corporal punishment was generally allowed. Some things do not remain acceptable.

DamnBamboo · 21/11/2011 18:41

I know soupy and I don't advocate or use corporal punishment; never have.
What I'm saying is in years past another parent telling off another child who had done wrong (and I've no reason to disbelieve the OP, especially given that the school is already aware of it) wasn't frowned upon like it is now.

DamnBamboo · 21/11/2011 18:42

Yes I understand the difference between discipline and threatening.

Patronising much Hmm

SoupDragon · 21/11/2011 18:44

"woolley: By the way, that was, of course, addressed to the people who are referring to the 'little bully/thug' despite no evidence...
OP's child coming home having been hit on regular basis enough evidence?"

Did they do DNA testing to see who had done the hitting? Was there any evidence beyond what the OPs son said?

The OP mentioned it to the teacher once (plus a follow up the very next day). Does that sound like someone who has "had enough"?

If my child was regularly coming home complaining of being hit I can guarantee you I would not only have mentioned it once. In fact, they would not get the chance to be regularly coming home complaining of being hit.

SoupDragon · 21/11/2011 18:45

Not patronising at all. Incredulous that you clearly can't see the difference.

DamnBamboo · 21/11/2011 18:46

They may well though Soupy if the school wasn't dealing with it.

What if it was happening regularly and at first, like many children are told to, they walk away from it.

DamnBamboo · 21/11/2011 18:47

Of course I can see the difference.

What about any of my posts implies that you think I can't.

SoupDragon · 21/11/2011 18:51

Well, the ones where you think the OP was disciplining the other child rather than behaving in a threatening and aggressive manner.

DamnBamboo · 21/11/2011 18:53

Where have I done this soupy where?

cheekyseamonkey · 21/11/2011 18:55

dropped phone in the loo clean water, can't get texts, please message me on here.

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