to say this to a child?

[MarieFromStMoritz]

OK, my DS is being regularly beaten up by a boy in his year. My DS is 6 years old and the other child is about the same. I have spoken to the teacher about it, and she spoke to the child. We thought that would be the end of it. However, my DS came home on Thursday and told us that not only had this child done it again, but he was getting other children to hit him, too. I asked DH where the teacher was, and he said that she was talking to some other children, so didn't see. He said he then went to speak to her but she was busy talking to other people, and then the bell went.

So, I have been seething about this all weekend. My DS is a delightful little boy and wants to be friends with everyone. I love him so much and cannot bear the thought of anybody hurting him.

So, this morning I asked DS to point out this child, which he did. I went over to the child with my DS so that he knew who I was. I bent down to the child's level, pointed my finger an inch from his face, and said: "if you ever hurt my son again, there will be trouble. Do you understand me?" The child's lip started quivering and he walked away.

I was stood in the playground for a while to keep an eye on things, and this child kept looking at me. It occurred to me afterwards that as I was wearing sunglasses, he could not see whether or not I was looking at him. He looked a bit intimidated and afterwards I felt quite bad.

My job is to protect my child, non? But why do I feel so bad? And WIBU? Thanks.

I'm not assuming anything. I just think it's incredibly important to have the facts straight before piling in. And 6 year olds aren't necessarily reliable witnesses. Thier perceptions of things are different from a grown up perception.

Of course I don't have a low opinion of your child, Maria!

YANBU. I'd be ok with a parent saying this to DS if he was being a bully.

Hope it gets sorted for your DS

OP, you say that seeker dies not know your child but has a low opinion of him. This is what you have done to the boy in the playground IMO

So, you're new to the school (a school where they let 6 year olds go home by themselves on buses????) and rather than approach the school and the adults over a problem between children you bend down and shout in the face of a 6 year old..?

You sound like a right Chavva.

I am so with Seeker.

If you were unhappy with the teacher then you should have spoken to the headmaster/headmistress.

6 year olds do not always give the full version of the story.

YANBU

I can completely understand why you would want to react like this, but have you considered that if this 6 year old is bullying others it may be because of things he sees at home? What if this little boy comes from a home with domestic violence or his parents hit him? All you've done is show him another adult being intimidating and from the sounds of it you've really scared him. I'm sorry but I think YABU.

OP, seeker clearly doesn't have a low opinion, and other posters who are suggesting that too need to sit back and have a think about this before they type.

6 year olds aren't always reliable when presenting fact, especially when it comes to the complex world of relationships. It's completely true that relationships alter on a daily basis with children of this age, so there's a chance, a chance that OP may have made matters worse . We're not suggesting that your boy is lying, but in your own words, you're new to this school and he's having what may be settling in issues. 6 year olds aren't the most subjective creatures.

OP if I were you, I'd start talking to other parents. Gently gently. You'll glean a better picture of what's going on if other parents could tell you about friendship groups, the more 'powerful' personalities in the class, children that perhaps need to be watched etc etc. Really, you've gone in all guns blazing with only a small grasp of the situation ESPECIALLY in light of you not really knowing who's who.

I of course agree with the general opinion that it does no harm for children to realise that there are parental repurcussions, I'm all for it in fact. But there's more to be done here OP.

They don't let them go home on their own on buses, NonnoMum, it's the school bus.

By the way, what's a 'chavva'?

NonnoMum, that's credible re the buses. I've known a Mum to pile her 3 year old per-schooler onto the school minibus. Little girl is now a very hard, streetwise 7 year old .

Let up on the name calling though, it doesn't help.

I am someone who believes firmly that an adult should be able to chastise a child who is misbehaving - eg shopkeeper, someone inconvenienced by the chidl in public etc - particularly if no parent is with them.

However, I think you did the wrong thing in this case. The child is quite young and was unaccompanied and on school premises. It is inappropriate for him to be approached by an adult who is not a teacher or staff member and effectively threatened, albeit in a low-level way, about something that wasn't actually going on at the time - it would have been a bit different if it had happened right in front of you.

I suspect that if he tells his parents and they choose to complain, the school will take a very dim view of your actions.

I understand it must be frustrating if the school don't seem to be particularly effective but there are appropriate channels and you should be going through them, not taking matters into your own hands like this.

Some of you seem to be missing the fact that the teacher has already been involved due to past incidents of this child hitting the OP's son.

Why is it so difficult to accept at face value that this child is bullying the OP's son and she lost her rag about it? What she did wasn't ideal, she knows that, but why so many posters on this forum need to second guess everything I have never understood.

I've told children off when I've witnessed them hurting another child and the parent shrugs as if to say "oh dear!"

Don't be surprised if you suddenly get collared by the boys parents for doing that. The school may even get a complaint from the parents and deal with you. I know a school where they have olive on stand by as the parents kept taking matters in to their own hands rather than approaching the school.

At the end of the day parents only want to protect their child but let's hoe it doesn't bite you on the bum.

I think if my son was being a bully I would want to know. I would rather the school or the parent of the bullied child spoke to me direct. Having said this I understand the need to want to protect your child.

You're going to get a divided opinion on this OP, but it's clear that even though you may have think you've resolved it, there's a chance you've made things worse. Without knowing the world of the this other little boy, you only have the version of events from your son. Some could argue that this would be enough, but this age bracket isn't reliable in providing factual evidence. He's already up against it since he's 'new', and since you've taken the law into your own hands on this, you're going to be hard-pressed getting the full support you and your son deserves, because of your vigilante action. Sorry if this sounds harsh.

That's what annoys me about so many other parents. They see the situation as parent v's school, and are of the mind set that they are 'against' and fighting the school establishment, when really schools and parents want exactly the same thing for their children. How on earth can the school deal with the big picture, when parents take the law into their own hands?

Let us know how you get on op with the school and make them act!

I am with Seeker on this one, you need to make sure that the school has tried everything before you plough in and bully the child.

"Why is it so difficult to accept at face value that this child is bullying the OP's son and she lost her rag about it? What she did wasn't ideal, she knows that, but why so many posters on this forum need to second guess everything I have never understood."

Well, in this case, because the op asked whether she was unreasonable.

Just curious though, how do you know most mother's dont work?

daveywarbeck, because I suppose this is a discussion forum. I doubt any poster would get satisfaction from
"YANBU" or
"YABU".

In matters like this, there's always a bigger picture and should the OP want it sorted for the long-term, rather than dealing with the here and now, then there's lots to consider, no?

All the boy has to do is not hurt ops son. She hasn't threatened him in general. Shouldn't be too difficult for him to leave her ds alone. I don't think she has done anything wrong. She spoke to school, it continued so she spoke to child. If the boys parents aren't there it wouldn't do any good to phone them as they never see his behaviour in the playground! Yanbu.

Whether she was unreasonable to approach the child directly, not unreasonable to believe that her son is being bullied. I think that is pretty clear. But if you know better that he isn't being bullied, or that if he is clearly it isn't the little darling's fault because he is observing domestic violence at home, fair enough.

You should have investigated further. The child is 6 fgs. I know the teacher was spoken to once but that is hardly due process, and as you know nothing about the child you have no clue about whether this approach will make things better, or actually make things a whole lot worse. The child could have SN for all you know, and need different handling.

I suspect you're only looking for whoops and cheers though.

Ok. The op said that her chile had been regularly beaten up by this other boy. When asked about injuries, or other evidence she hasn't said anything. So we don't actually know whether it is out and out bullying, or rough and tumble going a bit too far, or something anywhere on q scale between those two extreme points. On the strength of what she's said so far, she was U to approach the other child like this. If she now comes and says that her child Comsat home every day covered in bruises, she's talked to the head teacher 10 times and nothing's happened, then her behaviour bcomes entirely reasonable. If she says that her child skips happily out of school, then sometime later says the 'x beat me up" and she has only mentioned it in passing once to the class teacher, then she was definitely being U to approach q child like this with nothing further to go on.