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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say this to a child?

491 replies

MarieFromStMoritz · 20/11/2011 05:27

OK, my DS is being regularly beaten up by a boy in his year. My DS is 6 years old and the other child is about the same. I have spoken to the teacher about it, and she spoke to the child. We thought that would be the end of it. However, my DS came home on Thursday and told us that not only had this child done it again, but he was getting other children to hit him, too. I asked DH where the teacher was, and he said that she was talking to some other children, so didn't see. He said he then went to speak to her but she was busy talking to other people, and then the bell went.

So, I have been seething about this all weekend. My DS is a delightful little boy and wants to be friends with everyone. I love him so much and cannot bear the thought of anybody hurting him.

So, this morning I asked DS to point out this child, which he did. I went over to the child with my DS so that he knew who I was. I bent down to the child's level, pointed my finger an inch from his face, and said: "if you ever hurt my son again, there will be trouble. Do you understand me?" The child's lip started quivering and he walked away.

I was stood in the playground for a while to keep an eye on things, and this child kept looking at me. It occurred to me afterwards that as I was wearing sunglasses, he could not see whether or not I was looking at him. He looked a bit intimidated and afterwards I felt quite bad.

My job is to protect my child, non? But why do I feel so bad? And WIBU? Thanks.

OP posts:
rainbowinthesky · 20/11/2011 09:13

Even the most delightful, much loved children stretch the truth sometimes.

DownbytheRiverside · 20/11/2011 09:15

Quite a lot of parents would and do, which is why we have a clear procedure to follow and rules that protect all children on school grounds.
All schools have bullying issues, it is how effectively they are dealt with that makes the difference.

ginmakesitallok · 20/11/2011 09:16

YAB totally U. I posted a while ago about a Mum who had sent a letter into the school accusing my DD of being a bully and demanding that her behaviour was dealt with (she and other girl were 7). I was furious - but let school deal with it. Turns out she had been getting a very different story from her daughter to the truth. The girls were best of friends next day, and there have been no issues at all. (School did nothing by the way as they knew the situation). If the other Mum had done what you had done I would have been livid and am not sure how I would have dealt with it.

On my thread I was given lots of advice to let school deal with it - and that's what you should have done.

Motherofhobbit · 20/11/2011 09:17

YANBU - if my son were hitting another child I would have no problem with that child's parent telling him off. He's already been told by the teacher not to do it and not listened.

Vicki1981 · 20/11/2011 09:26

Oh for heavens sake the replies here are examples of why there are so many children growing into little thugs.

We're all too afraid to be seen 'doing the wrong thing' these days. If this is ongoing, and the child had been beaten up, the teachers are already involved and nothing had happened, the poor victim was being denied innocent fun in the playground...

Of course the mother has a right to say something to the child. I would be upset to find out my daughter was upsetting another child and wouldn't mind a parent telling her off should that ever occur (she's only 3 atm).

My other half is one of 3. The youngest (by over 15yrs) was being picked on and upset by bullying. The other two went to the boys house and brought him down a couple of pegs - no violence. It worked.

Sometimes schools are so worried about being careful and doing things properly they take on too much of a softly softly approach. Bullies need to have their habits nipped in the bud (again, not condoning force or violence whatsoever, tough and strict words).

Oh and whoever said about busses. Our nearest primary school is almost 3 miles away and they offer a bus service as not everyone drives and the roads aren't safe to walk/cycle to school. So yes, some children have a lovely mini-bus with seat belts and a teacher on board to transport them.

littleducks · 20/11/2011 09:27

I don't mind my kids being told off, if another adult witnesses them do something I don't.

I dont think I would be happy in this case though......the boy is only 6, catches the school bus so his parents arent there in the playground to defend him.....and gets threatened for something that may/may not have happened previously.

fedupofnamechanging · 20/11/2011 09:27

I can completely understand your frustration - you went to the school and they failed to deal with it, but these children are only 6. You ought to have contacted the head teacher and insisted that something be done.

The instinct to protect your child is huge, so remember the other parents will feel this about their child. Honestly, if you'd behaved like that towards my child, I'd lamp you one.

NinkyNonker · 20/11/2011 09:28

Some would say having a mother who for a around threatening small children was also pretty thuggish.

NinkyNonker · 20/11/2011 09:28

Some would say having a mother who goes around threatening small children was also pretty thuggish.

florencepink · 20/11/2011 09:32

YANBU, however If it did ever happen again I think you somehow need to make the school sit up and listen both for the sake of your Ds and the other boy, a six yr old physically hurting others would ring alarm bells for me - maybe he is a victim himself at home? Sad

eaglewings · 20/11/2011 09:32

Our school buses no longer have any adult on them other than the driver :(

DS who has AS had a mum on the war path after him, she thought she knew best, went to the police! Turns out her son was bullying mine and my son took the wrong decison and bit him as the boy was holding his hands to the ground.

5 years on her son now has the modern version of an ASBO, my DS is learning to handle his own social issues very well, with great support form his school

nancerama · 20/11/2011 09:34

YANBU

My mum did the same thing when I was at primary school. The little toad gave me a wide berth after that.

Vicki1981 · 20/11/2011 09:35

Eaglewings that's a shame. How does that work out? I expect the children are well behaved anyway with the driver being there?

perceptionreality · 20/11/2011 09:37

YABU - you are an adult. This is a 6 year old. We all feel like doing this when our child gets picked on, but to approach the child and make threats is very wrong indeed and you could land yourself in trouble for doing it tbh.

If the teacher is not dealing with it, you go to the head.

SuePurblybiltbyElves · 20/11/2011 09:38

We've had this exact OP before quite recently, haven't we ? Maybe the OP posted both and is seeing if she gets a different response this time Grin.

DownbytheRiverside · 20/11/2011 09:39

She told you how it worked out Vickie. Confused
Which is why some of us are saying that it's better to work with the school and get the full picture, then let the school handle bullying issues.
OP spoke to the teacher once. And has not been back to tell us the physical evidence for being 'beaten up' or whether she relied entirely on the word of her child before acting.

Original poster
MarieFromStMoritz · 20/11/2011 09:41

I'm puzzled about the time too, it's only 10pm Sunday in NZ so where are you OP? Where in the world is it Monday now?

It is not Monday, it is Sunday. We live in the UAE and our working week is Sunday-Thursday.

OP posts:
eaglewings · 20/11/2011 09:42

On one bus there is a problem but the driver gets that kid to sit at the front. On the others it's fine
My DS did not travel by bus, sorry if I confused you. He does now and has learnt to stand up for himself and stands up for others too :)

Catslikehats · 20/11/2011 09:42

downbytheriverside it doesn't have to be Monday for children to be in school. Most of the muslim world starts their working week on a Sunday - as I said earlier my DC are in school today Smile

spugglers · 20/11/2011 09:44

YABU. However if it was happening to my child I would find it very hard not to do the same.

eaglewings · 20/11/2011 09:45

Marie, did your child have bruises?

FabbyChic · 20/11/2011 09:46

Id have done the same too if I couldn't talk to the parents.

Good for you. Lets hope your son isn't picked on anymore.

Pekka · 20/11/2011 09:46

YANBU! I know what bullying can do to a child and how it never leaves you even as an adult, have seen it close hand with my DB. Good on you for taking a stand.

MissMogwi · 20/11/2011 09:46

YABVU- I wouldn't dream of doing that to. a six yr old. You should have gone through the school.
And as for pointing your finger an inch from his face?! That is aggressive and threatening, how would you feel if his mum did that to your DC.

I don't have a problem with other adults telling kids off if it's deserved, and they see the child doing something wrong, however this is different.

JamieComeHome · 20/11/2011 09:49

I'm not going to have a go at you, I really understand the instinct to protect your child (my DS1 was bullied), but I have to agree with those who say you can't and shouldn't chastise the child yourself, unless you are right there and saw exactly what happened/is happening. If you do what you have done, then you put yourself at risk - you don't know the facts and you could be accused of intimidating a small child, whatever the facts are.

For the sake of your son, go back to the school, get hold of a copy of their bullying policy, and pursue it (relentlessly if you have to) that way.

As an aside, if a 6 year old is bullying, the school should have things in place to understand why they might be doing it, and to nip it in the bud, for their sake, as well as potential victims. If you got to the school , you will be helping not only your son, but other victims, and maybe the bully himself.

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