to say this to a child?

[MarieFromStMoritz]

OK, my DS is being regularly beaten up by a boy in his year. My DS is 6 years old and the other child is about the same. I have spoken to the teacher about it, and she spoke to the child. We thought that would be the end of it. However, my DS came home on Thursday and told us that not only had this child done it again, but he was getting other children to hit him, too. I asked DH where the teacher was, and he said that she was talking to some other children, so didn't see. He said he then went to speak to her but she was busy talking to other people, and then the bell went.

So, I have been seething about this all weekend. My DS is a delightful little boy and wants to be friends with everyone. I love him so much and cannot bear the thought of anybody hurting him.

So, this morning I asked DS to point out this child, which he did. I went over to the child with my DS so that he knew who I was. I bent down to the child's level, pointed my finger an inch from his face, and said: "if you ever hurt my son again, there will be trouble. Do you understand me?" The child's lip started quivering and he walked away.

I was stood in the playground for a while to keep an eye on things, and this child kept looking at me. It occurred to me afterwards that as I was wearing sunglasses, he could not see whether or not I was looking at him. He looked a bit intimidated and afterwards I felt quite bad.

My job is to protect my child, non? But why do I feel so bad? And WIBU? Thanks.

Floggingmolly

"have you missed the part where he can desist from bullying the other child"

no-one has missed that part, the point posters are trying to make is that the op only knows haif of the story and has compounded the issue by her actions.

"because you took your child's word for the fact that the boy is a trouble maker with absolutely no evidence whatsoever other than the word of your own child"

Worraliberty - sometime it's not always possibe to get third party validation of physical or other abuse and yes it is entirely appropriate to take your own child's word if that is all that you have. In fact sometimes it is essential.

So the ends justifies the means?
It's ok to threaten children as long as it means you get the result you want?

"It's ok to threaten children as long as it means you get the result you want?"

Well, if a bully is stopped then yes. Is it not ok with you?

My mum stepped into a situation like this when I was at school and the bully left me alone. It hadn't been dealt with by teachers. It's not the best way to deal with it but in my case it worked and I was much happier as a result.

I agree, again, Devon. But what resulted was a second child being intimidated in the playground by a strange adult. Believing your child is one thing, but acting in such a heavy-handed manner towards a second child is another entirely.
Saying you have to believe your kids absolutely, every time, without asking for proof, is essentially saying 'children never lie.' However, even my 2 year old will deny she has done something, when she clearly has, if she thinks I'm cross with her for it. She will tell me her nappy isn't dirty, when I can smell it a mile off, if she is busy and doesn't want to be taken away to be changed. Children do fib, and you really have to use a bit of common sense to figure out where to be a bit sceptical.
What do you do if you are Child B's mother? Your son has just come home and said he is too frightened to go to school tomorrow because a lady he doesn't know came up to him in the playground and said some nasty things to him and he was really scared.
You certainly don't go ahead with some form of rough justice, because you haven't got all the info you need.

"Well, if a bully is stopped then yes. Is it not ok with you?"

Did you read my post from this afternoon about me stopping my husband and his ex from doing this to a child? Shortly after the incident with their son the 'bullying' child was taken into care due to neglect and abuse at home. So the ends don't justify the means if it entails further abuse on a potentially already abused child. Most of these children come from very unsettled backgrounds.

Fucking shame.

It's ok to threaten children as long as it means you get the result you want?"

Well, if a bully is stopped then yes. Is it not ok with you?

Umm, obviously not. He's six - I think it's a bit dangerous giving a kid a label like 'bully' already. He doens't get on with OP's son, but without knowing what else happened (did the OP's son say something or knock over a tower of bricks he'd just spent ages building) to feel pride that you've somehow put a little b***d in his place seems to me to be a bit excessive. Bully seems to me to imply a systematic and planned persecution of a particular child - not what usually happens with six year olds as they are normally far more immediate and reactive. So you may not have actually taught him anything other than threatening behaviour gets you what you want.

Rational I did read your post. I would not allow my child to be bullied by another. If you are fine with yours being bullied it is your parental choice.

baby I agree with you insofar as 6 year olds do not normally have a deliberate persecution campagns against each other, although just a couple of years older and it is more likely.

My best friends dd was relentlessly bullied at school for over a year. I witnessed it all seeing dd coming home with dirty clothes and puffed eyes and her mother (my friend) crying to me saying she did not know what else to do as the school was very sympathetic, but the bullying did not stop. Eventually, the girl's gm (my friend's dm) went to school and told exactly what OP has done to a bunch of 13 yo. DD's life was changed literally overnight.

Why do people keep saying he's six as if that means he doesn't deserve to be told that his bad behaviour will have consequenses.

Six year olds are more than capable of knowing that it is not ok to hit other children. They should have been well aware of that for years. If a child has known for a good three (at least) years that it is not ok to hit and then does it anyway, they do deserve to be told that there will be severe consequenses to their actions.

Whether or not the child had a bad home life in any form is irrelevant. It may be a reason for the behaviour but it does not excuse it, and it does not make it ok for another child to also become a victim.

Marie, if you are still reading, then as you will know from your ds's karate lessons, children are taught when it is and is not ok to use physical means in martial arts lessons. Your DH is well off if he thinks that there will be a class for six year olds that will teach them how to beat up other kids. You need to be concentrating on making sure your DS knows that he has to shout out if someone is hurting him, and that he has to make sure that he tells an adult, any adult if he is hurt. It might be worth seeing if the school has any sort of system where the older children look out for the younger ones. My ds was a 'peer mediator' at his junior school, so younger children that had any problems would go to one of the mediators if they were upset about anything not in class time.

"I did read your post. I would not allow my child to be bullied by another. If you are fine with yours being bullied it is your parental choice."

I never said at any point in this thread that I would allow my child to be bullied, that's crap to be honest. You really don't need to stoop this low if you're happy with your argument.

I am not "stooping low". OP went to the school, they have not acted, so she told the boy to stay away. Hardly can be called "abuse", eh? I frankly do not care what your cause of action would be, because clearly we have different priorities.

My 4 dsc, thankfully, were never bullied at school. They went to a great school where all the children were guided and supervised appropriately.

course obviously

To suggest that because I wouldn't get down into a kids face, finger poking an inch from his face, telling him there'd be trouble if he touched my kid again means that I would allow my child to be bullied is just shit!! Id do everything else I could, including pushing the school to address it and contacting the kids parents. Why would you even assume from that that my child is not my priority?

rational, bemybebe is totally off track with her comments. Absolutely ludicrious and not worth getting into an argument when someone says such silly things.

YANBU good for you

rainbow

I agree, thanks [exhalescalmly]

Because whilst you are "pushing" the school and contacting the kid's parents your kid is being pushed around the playground.

Incidentally, the only time I would resort to such action would be if I was 100% sure the story is true and the school was already given the opportunity to resolve the issue. I would not be waiting for anything or anybody else as I have seen the effects bullying has on kids.

"WorraLiberty, you should also read the facts before you post. I have seen the teacher - twice - about this."

You only appear to have spoken to the teacher twice about the original incident - once when you started the complaint and once the next day to see if she had done anything. Then you took it into your own hands and threatened a 6 year old ^without the etcher knowing about the second incident. Which I believe is what WorraLiberty said.

However, I see you are the sort of poster that posts in AIBU without being prepared to hear that they are guilty of threatening and bullying a six year old unreasonable.

Telling children off and warning them against being horrible is not bullying them, abusing them, or anything else like that. Many people on this thread are confusing a straightforward verbal discipline measure with something a lot more serious, invoking emotive terms in the process. This has the effect of diminishing the severity of real abuse and violence, apart from anything else, and comes across as rather hysterical, tbh.

Some people on this thread are confusing telling a child off and behaving in a threatening, aggressive manner.

It has the affect of normalising such aggressiveness from adults to children and comes across as rather thick and pathetic to be honest.

One very lovely thing the teacher said to my daughter when she was bullied last year (and it was a deliberate hidden thing, not a scuffle in the playground) was that she was so brave to tell the teacher, as it is very usual for children who are bullying one child to be bullying another. That's why if it ever happened again, she was to go to this teacher or another one, because it would help other children and protect them too.

There is clearly a culture of physical bullying at the school if the boy had encouraged other children to hit the OP's child (as was said earlier in the thread). Secretly challenging the instigator may stop it temporarily (or not, too early to say), but it won't do anything to tackle the wider problem- what will the OP do if one of these other children who also think it's ok to hit her son start doing so again?

Hardgoing - I agree with you entirely.