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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say this to a child?

491 replies

MarieFromStMoritz · 20/11/2011 05:27

OK, my DS is being regularly beaten up by a boy in his year. My DS is 6 years old and the other child is about the same. I have spoken to the teacher about it, and she spoke to the child. We thought that would be the end of it. However, my DS came home on Thursday and told us that not only had this child done it again, but he was getting other children to hit him, too. I asked DH where the teacher was, and he said that she was talking to some other children, so didn't see. He said he then went to speak to her but she was busy talking to other people, and then the bell went.

So, I have been seething about this all weekend. My DS is a delightful little boy and wants to be friends with everyone. I love him so much and cannot bear the thought of anybody hurting him.

So, this morning I asked DS to point out this child, which he did. I went over to the child with my DS so that he knew who I was. I bent down to the child's level, pointed my finger an inch from his face, and said: "if you ever hurt my son again, there will be trouble. Do you understand me?" The child's lip started quivering and he walked away.

I was stood in the playground for a while to keep an eye on things, and this child kept looking at me. It occurred to me afterwards that as I was wearing sunglasses, he could not see whether or not I was looking at him. He looked a bit intimidated and afterwards I felt quite bad.

My job is to protect my child, non? But why do I feel so bad? And WIBU? Thanks.

OP posts:
Feminine · 20/11/2011 16:38

Rational , it was thrown in... further up thread in conjunction with other issues

I used it again...to explain why op knows what is going on in her 'neck of the woods'

Many posters had ideas for what she should do ...she is not in the UK.

I am not either ...different ways here too.

Original poster
MarieFromStMoritz · 20/11/2011 16:38

So I agree with others who say it's essential to make sure you have your facts straight before telling off a child. However if he has genuinely been hurting your son, then you acted correctly.

The teacher's initial reaction when we reported the incidents to her, made me believe that she knew. Or that it had happened before.

OP posts:
Feminine · 20/11/2011 16:39

Watch out MARIE you are going to get accused of drip feeding now! Wink

shesparkles · 20/11/2011 16:39

YANBU at all.From anything I've ever seen, schools are notoriously useless and ineffective at dealing with bullying on any level, in fact their whole process for dealing with it seems to be so protracted that any sanction loses its effect by the time it happens

Children need to learn that their actions have consequences, and I think that 6 is a good age to learn, if they haven't already

DevonLodger · 20/11/2011 16:40

I am concerned at the number of posts that suggest that you should not always take the word of a 6 year old as true or that the OP should have witnessed the abuse herself before believing her child. This should never be the adult approach to abuse of whatever nature. Adults taking this line have resulted in many children suffering for years from abuse at the hands of manipulative individuals because the adult who is supposed to be protecting them refuses to believe them. Please assume that your children are telling you the truth and deal with it accordingly. Whilst I do not agree that taking this matter into her own hands as the OP did here was the only way to handle it I am glad that she supported and believed her child's cry for help to her.

unfitmother · 20/11/2011 16:41

No, Marie I would act like a rational adult I would demand to speak to the Headteacher if the teacher did nothing (helicopter or not) and would withdraw my child, if necessary, until he was safe but I would never threaten or bully a six year old and shame on you for doing so!

WorraLiberty · 20/11/2011 16:42

It is possible that this child is the victim of violence at home, although I certainly don't get that impression

And what exactly would give you that impression?

If the child wore a T Shirt with the words 'My parents hit me'?

How do you think abusers get away with abuse for so long? It's because 9 times out of 10 the child 'doesn't give the impression' Hmm

Either way, your definition of 'trouble' could be quite, quite different to his...especially with your finger tip being an inch from his little face.

Original poster
MarieFromStMoritz · 20/11/2011 16:42

Interesting... DH has just come home and told me off about telling this child off. I asked him what he thought we should do, and he said that he thought we should enrol DS in some kind of martial art "so he can kick ten bells of shit out of the next kid that does this to him". (DH was badly bullied at school).

Is this better? Or worse?

Honestly, if you knew us, you really would be amazed. We are the quietest, kindest, most gentle couple. This is probably why our child has been picked on, because he is like us. Maybe this makes him a victim.

OP posts:
Rational · 20/11/2011 16:42

"I used it again...to explain why op knows what is going on in her 'neck of the woods' "

Not all kids that are having a hard time at home look like extras on a Barnardos ad. Jeeeez, why is this so difficult to understand?

WorraLiberty · 20/11/2011 16:44

I am concerned at the number of posts that suggest that you should not always take the word of a 6 year old as true

Of course you take it as true

And then you deal with it correctly and in an adult way

bemybebe · 20/11/2011 16:45

OP YANBU
I would have done the same, although I would first make damn sure that the bully boy is indeed a bully.

WorraLiberty · 20/11/2011 16:45

It's worse

Your DH sounds almost as bad as you when it comes to these things

babybythesea · 20/11/2011 16:48

And if the other child tells his mother something totally different, Devon? I do know what you are saying and I think there are certainly times when believing a child is crucial, but I also think that before you wade in and threaten another child you need to make sure you have your facts right.
The other mother may well be hearing "OP came up to me at school today and was really nasty and now I'm scared and I don't want to go to school tomorrow in case she's there." Which is also true. You just haven't heard the lead-in to it.... (And now, we've got an adult threatening a child in the playground - I know which accusation I'd be taking more seriously (child vs child, adult vs child).

Feminine · 20/11/2011 16:48

rational I said as much with regard to the violence issue.

I am not silly , I know abuse happens in many forms, at many different class levels.

Thank you.

slavetofilofax · 20/11/2011 16:49

I disagree with your DH that you did the wrong thing, but I think he has a very good idea about the martial arts class.

It will give your ds confidence, and that can only be a good thing. I think it's a good thing for dc to do anyway, wether they get bullied or not.

Original poster
MarieFromStMoritz · 20/11/2011 16:53

The thing is, slavetofilofax, I have always taught him not to fight back, but to tell the teacher.

OP posts:
unfitmother · 20/11/2011 16:53

Your DH sounds a lot saner than you OP.
Karate gave my DS more confidence, DD has just started too.

Rational · 20/11/2011 16:54

I lived in RAF quarters for a few years and was surprised to learn that RAF personnel families had the highest rate of Social Work involvement than any other group in our area, pro rata. It shouldn't really be surprising really, when you think that the families are often isolated from extended family for lengthy periods and it's difficult to set up a close supportive network when you live so far from your original home.

A bit like ex-pats in the UAE I would imagine.

unfitmother · 20/11/2011 16:55

Martial arts classes for children are not about fighting but self defence. For when you're not there to threaten children for him

Original poster
MarieFromStMoritz · 20/11/2011 16:55

He does karate, I think DH was referring to some kind of street-fighting class! Incidentally, if DS kicked this child in the face and knocked his teeth out, what would you people be saying then? That that is OK?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 20/11/2011 16:57

martial arts are a good form of exercise and they do teach self discipline and self control.

However, if your DH thinks after a few lessons he's going to be able to "kick ten bells of shit out of the next kid that does this to him"....he's quite deluded.

That would more than likely get your child a bigger kicking than the one he was trying to avoid.

Just go to the school. Speak to the teachers and demand they look into this properly with no excuses from either the school or yourself.

unfitmother · 20/11/2011 16:58

I think you and your DH deserve each other.

Original poster
MarieFromStMoritz · 20/11/2011 16:59

OK, I'm leaving this thread now.

OP posts:
marcopront · 20/11/2011 16:59

Having taught in a school similar to the one the OPs DS goes to, I would like to say that these students are often victims of neglect. OK they may have more money than they no what to do with, but often they have little parental interest. I had a student tell me she would much rather her Mum spent time with her than bought her things. I found that heart breaking. Another student said he had never had a proper conversation with his Dad. If the boy didn't come by bus there is a strong possibility it would be the maid or driver picking him up anyway.

Floggingmolly · 20/11/2011 17:10

Everyone getting their knickers in a twist about op threatening the 6 year old and how terrified he must be, have you missed the part where he can desist from bullying the other child and then the consequences will not happen? He doesn't have to quake in his boots at what terrible things are coming his way, he can just behave himself. Hmm

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