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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say this to a child?

491 replies

MarieFromStMoritz · 20/11/2011 05:27

OK, my DS is being regularly beaten up by a boy in his year. My DS is 6 years old and the other child is about the same. I have spoken to the teacher about it, and she spoke to the child. We thought that would be the end of it. However, my DS came home on Thursday and told us that not only had this child done it again, but he was getting other children to hit him, too. I asked DH where the teacher was, and he said that she was talking to some other children, so didn't see. He said he then went to speak to her but she was busy talking to other people, and then the bell went.

So, I have been seething about this all weekend. My DS is a delightful little boy and wants to be friends with everyone. I love him so much and cannot bear the thought of anybody hurting him.

So, this morning I asked DS to point out this child, which he did. I went over to the child with my DS so that he knew who I was. I bent down to the child's level, pointed my finger an inch from his face, and said: "if you ever hurt my son again, there will be trouble. Do you understand me?" The child's lip started quivering and he walked away.

I was stood in the playground for a while to keep an eye on things, and this child kept looking at me. It occurred to me afterwards that as I was wearing sunglasses, he could not see whether or not I was looking at him. He looked a bit intimidated and afterwards I felt quite bad.

My job is to protect my child, non? But why do I feel so bad? And WIBU? Thanks.

OP posts:
PinkCanary · 21/11/2011 12:43

I can understand why the OP did what she did, however...

I'm a childminder AND a TA so I see what happens in school as well as out. Last year I was caring for a 6 yr old boy who suddenly didn't want to go to school as he was being 'bullied'. Mum had been repeatedly annoyed that his coat was coming home damaged around the hood. Apparently children had been dragging him around the playground by his hood. Sounds horrendous right?!?

Except... the frequent occasions I was on playground duty I witnessed that in fact this little boy generally instigated the rough play and continued to despite countless staff interventions.

There are two sides to every story and IMHO 6 year olds aren't very reliable at distinguishing fact from fiction.

LizzieBusy · 21/11/2011 12:46

YANBU but as others have said, you may be storing up trouble for your DS in future.

My mother did something similar with me - I was 11. That girl never so much as looked at me again so it worked beautifully but it can backfire. If it makes you feel any better, I would probably do the same.

JamieComeHome · 21/11/2011 12:48

Goosey - I sympathise, I really do. A situation where the school is unable to stop this is a nightmare. I do wonder what would have happened if my son's bully had continued - bullying has such a terrible effect on developing children.

What I would say, is that if I saw something in front of me,like you did, then yes, I'd defend my child. But I'd try and be very careful how I did it. It could backfire. But I do know how angry it makes you feel.

JamieComeHome · 21/11/2011 12:49

PinkCanary - I agree. Things are not always how they appear.

LizzieBusy · 21/11/2011 12:58

I have just read through all the posts and think that the posters who accure the OP of bullying are being ridiculous.

Why shouldnt a child be told off? As to it being intimidating, its always intimidating to be told off. I was told off yesterday for parking taking up 2 spaces. I was chastened and intimidated - big deal.
I think this whole, children should rule the world and run around unchecked idea is ridiculous. An adult telling off a child is always going to be somewhat intimidating even when done in the most gentle of ways..

cuteboots · 21/11/2011 12:59

this is a really tough one as I have a similar thing going on with a little boy and my son. Last week my son came home with a huge bite mark on his arm and I was tempted to go up to the school and kick right off. I did calm down and have said to the school that I see this as assault and if it happens again I will take it further. Every time I see this little thug I just glare at him! Grrrrrr

Heleninahandcart · 21/11/2011 13:06

If it is any comfort I did exactly the same as you 10 years ago. I still feel guilty about it but that kid never hit my DS again. YANBU but then I would say that Blush

JamieComeHome · 21/11/2011 13:09

Lizzie - if you've read all the posts then you'll know that many of us have no objection to a child being told off, as long as

a) you've actually seen what has happened
b) you don't do it in the way the OP did

JamieComeHome · 21/11/2011 13:10

sorry, that sounded a bit patronising Blush

nursenic · 21/11/2011 13:16

Good for you. When my kids were at school I always followed the rule that the school/teacher gets one chance to sort it out. If they do not, then I take over.

And I'm not advocating jumping in with both feet, going over the top, being a bully myself but rather investigating the problem then dealing with bullies and their families directly and via law/civil courts and the school via big fuss and the local press if they flagrantly ignore bullying in their school.

northernwreck · 21/11/2011 13:44

I often read on here that children at five or six should be fully independent, playing out, able to run their bath, make a sandwich, ride a bike, have road sense, look out for younger ones, etc etc ad infinitum.
And yet, somehow,at the same time they are still just babies at 6 who
a)cannot be trusted to tell the truth when questioned seriously by a parent and
b) cannot be expected to know right from wrong, and that hitting is wrong.

This child not only hit OP's kid, he organised and co-ordinated other boys to do the same.
That is systematic and pre-meditated bullying.
I don't know if I would have done what OP did, but I don't blame her for doing it.
And yes, being told off is intimidating. And it's a giant leap from "trouble" to violence, really.
Also it is just a massive feat of conjecture to decide that the bullying kid is being physically/emotionally scarred at home. Not all bullies are being abused, and not all bullies stay bullies-it can be a phase. He was warned off, hopefully he will stop.

SoupDragon · 21/11/2011 14:20

"And yes, being told off is intimidating. And it's a giant leap from "trouble" to violence, really"

No, being told off isn't intimidating, having an adult bend down, stick a finger in your face and warn there will be trouble is intimidating. There are plenty of examples from other posters who have told children off for similar behaviour but managed not to do it in such a manner. It really isn't difficult to tell child off without being intimidating and agressive.

I don't think it is a huge leap at all for a child who has been using violence to think that a threat of trouble means violence.

Personally, I hope the boy's father goes up to the OP, sticks his finger in her face and tells her there will be trouble if she threatens his son again. Because that would be absolutely fine wouldn't it?

northernwreck · 21/11/2011 14:44

Well, that would be a bit different soupdragon, since the OP hasn't beaten up the boy, or organised other people to beat him up.

ddubsgirl · 21/11/2011 14:51

good on you my eldest was bullied from yr 2 onwards,he wanted to kill himself than go to school,no matter how much talking to the school nothing ever happend even after the child left the school he had got others to join in and it carried on after he left.

SoupDragon · 21/11/2011 15:36

No, but she has threatened him in what was an aggressive manner. It should be perfectly acceptable for the father to do the same back to her if it is acceptable behaviour.

Rational · 21/11/2011 16:49

Good on you for trying to reason SoupDragon, I can only liken it to hitting your head off a brick wall.

Some of the posters on this thread are so obsessed with their own precious little darlings they frankly don't give a shit about other children. One of them went anywhere near my child with that attitude and they'd truly find out what 'trouble' meant when I got my hands on them.

northernwreck · 21/11/2011 17:08

When I was at school the best teacher was the one who used to bellow at the children-really yell, when he lost his rag. It actually stopped people throwing things and chatting long enough for us to do an interesting lesson, and everybody respected him.
Were we scared of him? Yes, a bit. Was it because he was big and loud, yes!
So what!? I got more out of those lessons than most others, where the teachers had no control at all.
It has nothing to do with "being obsessed with precious darlings"-how ridiculous-it is sometimes just common sense that a child who is bullying, hitting and organising others to hit be fucking well told!
Of course it is better if the school deals with it, but the families of kids who have topped themselves due to bullying may tell you that the school often do nothing.
Maybe if people didn't get so hysterical over the idea of someone pulling up their little darling teachers in school wouldn't be struggling to teach a lot of unsocialised children who know their rights but couldn't give a toss about anyone else's.

KittyFane · 21/11/2011 17:11

Some posters are seeing the bully as the real victim here.
What about the persistently hit, bullied child?

KittyFane · 21/11/2011 17:12

northern: Maybe if people didn't get so hysterical over the idea of someone pulling up their little darling teachers in school wouldn't be struggling to teach a lot of unsocialised children who know their rights but couldn't give a toss about anyone else's.
Absolutely.

JamieComeHome · 21/11/2011 17:13

northern - I agree with the bit about schools. If you have faith that the school will deal with it and give them the chance to do so (which I'm not sure the OP did), then it shouldn't be necessary to get involved. Luckily, my school was excellent.

I think part of the problem is that there are too few lunchtime/playground supervisors

KittyFane · 21/11/2011 17:18

Infact, all this "You can't give my little bully thug baby a taste of his own medicine because you'll scare him" is a load of rubbish.
Of course they are scared, they've been persistently cruel to another child- they are scared because they have been found out by someone bigger than them. Bullies thrive when left unchallenged.

pinkee · 21/11/2011 17:22

Well I think that what you have done is let the 6 year old know that there are consequences to his behaviour and have tried to protect your son.

Now, the 6 year old might think twice before lashing out at your son.

You sound like you were direct and to the point. So imo YANBU.

JamieComeHome · 21/11/2011 17:22

Kitty - trouble is, you don't always know what's gone on. Especially when you are talking about young children. I work in a school, and I know this is the case

Feminine · 21/11/2011 17:25

Where I live, the teachers/people are not bound by any PC limitations.

Now , I am not saying that is a particularly good thing but kids are constantly told off and punished for things they haven't done.

You know what? they are all fine. They laugh about it and toughen up in the process.

The other day my son (8) was told at school " Where is your brain, cos its not in your head" I can't imagine a teacher being able to say that in the UK.

I used this example as an illustration really.

Even if the bully had done nothing at all , I doubt very much he will be scared for life!

insanityscratching · 21/11/2011 17:27

Would all the people who think it's ok be happy if another adult did the same to their child on the pretext of what another child reported?
Is it really ok to speak in that manner to any child? Would they do that to their own child? Why is that acceptable if it wouldn't be acceptable if you did it to another adult?

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