to say this to a child?

[MarieFromStMoritz]

OK, my DS is being regularly beaten up by a boy in his year. My DS is 6 years old and the other child is about the same. I have spoken to the teacher about it, and she spoke to the child. We thought that would be the end of it. However, my DS came home on Thursday and told us that not only had this child done it again, but he was getting other children to hit him, too. I asked DH where the teacher was, and he said that she was talking to some other children, so didn't see. He said he then went to speak to her but she was busy talking to other people, and then the bell went.

So, I have been seething about this all weekend. My DS is a delightful little boy and wants to be friends with everyone. I love him so much and cannot bear the thought of anybody hurting him.

So, this morning I asked DS to point out this child, which he did. I went over to the child with my DS so that he knew who I was. I bent down to the child's level, pointed my finger an inch from his face, and said: "if you ever hurt my son again, there will be trouble. Do you understand me?" The child's lip started quivering and he walked away.

I was stood in the playground for a while to keep an eye on things, and this child kept looking at me. It occurred to me afterwards that as I was wearing sunglasses, he could not see whether or not I was looking at him. He looked a bit intimidated and afterwards I felt quite bad.

My job is to protect my child, non? But why do I feel so bad? And WIBU? Thanks.

I was looking after a little girl who is at university now ,when she was also 6 a boy in her class was threatening her with his fathers gun ,that he would shoot her ,as much as I and her mum told her that he could not bring a gun in to school she was very afraid ,along with hitting her in the playground and then one day she came out and told me he had spat on her writing.I told her I would sort it out [We had also spoken to teachers ]and not a lot was being done.I took her into school,and did exactly what you did I went up to him and told him never to go anywhere near her again ,not to touch her work ,nor speak to her .I have to say that I was absolutely furious but spoke to him very calmly [I didnt use the line from The hand that rocks the cradle.....] He didnt touch her again and in fact the next year were quite friendly.He`s a lovely boy now by the way.

YANBU - my basic rule of thumb is not to tell off other people's children unless they are behaving dangerously and hurting people. If a child is hitting my child, then it's absolutely fine to tell them off.. bullies do stuff because they think no one cares

Why don't you try and observe what is going on. Ds3 kept telling me a boy was pushing him around and hitting and hurting him in purpose. I watched, and saw the boy trip and fall into him. The cases staff observed were the same - a clash of heads in the playground, etc etc. The boy was a lot bigger than ds3 and is clumsy but there's no way he was a bully. ds3 found it incredibly hard to understand the boy wasn't doing anything on purpose. I don't think he ever did - but ds3 was wrong. His perception was wrong. This is why to have to understand fully what is going in before you go storming in threatening a child. It's bonkers behaviour and risks the school labelling you as bonkers.

If you see and observe a series of incidents - stepping in and saying 'don't do that' is fine. But going all heavy handed over incidents you didn't even see is crazy.

There is a fine line between simply telling another child off and intimidating/threatening them like the OP did.

But how do you know its been resolved?

For all you know your DS had a good day because the other boy was playing in a different part of the playground, your DS didn't wind up the other boy or if your beliefs are true the other boy just decided to go beat up someone else today.

Abolsutely nothing you have done has solved the problem. Although I do not wish your DS to be hurt again, I'd be fascinated to know what is happening in a week, a month time. Did the other kid hit him again who knows maybe your DS may be inspired by your actions and threaten other kids 'with trouble'

And also what about any other kid - and heaven help its another kid that gets a school bus who doesn't have a mother to go ploughing in on their behalf.

Completely agree soupy. Although i'd say it was a stonking great obvious line

I am trying to get to know people but it takes time, I guess.

I don't think you have done yourself many favours here now, OP. I think you will find it a lot harder to get to know people now.

I agree with seeker et al, it is never appropriate to scold a kid like that! You just bullied him, imo! Not to say that you have left yourself open to all sorts, what if he tells his parents you hit him? Who do you think THEY will believe?

My then 2yr old was attacked (hair pulled, thumped, head pushed from side to side) by a 3yr old & believe me I wanted to hurl that kid across the school yard with all I had in me (we were waiting for dd1 to come out) but instead I found her parent, I spoke to her (she ran in the school to hide from me initially) I complained to the school (my daughter wasn't the first she attacked). That is how you deal with it, not by confronting a child!

I'm sorry, I believe what you did was not better than what this kid did to your son. YOU bullied him.

Some of us on this thread have had children who were bullied, and know how it feels. We are not advocating doing nothing.

Whilst I agree with Devon that you should take seriously, and investigate anything your child says (as mentioned before, I wish I'd done it sooner), I still cannot agree that what the OP did was right

My son has been systematically bullied by an older child since he started school (starting with being dragged behind a shed and threatened in reception). The child responsible has behavioural issues and a troubled home life and, I agree, needs support. The school have tried every strategy they can think of, but to little avail. It has gone on for years.

On school pick up one day, the child attacked my son in front of my husband.

Having read this thread, I am interested to know what you all think you would have done here and what the correct approach would have been?

I thought it was stonkingly obvious too, JimJams but it is clear from this thread that it isn't.

Going up to a child and telling them calmly not to bully your child again is fine.
Bending down, getting right in the face of a 6 year old and warning them of "trouble" if they do it again is not.

What soupdragon said.

Vicki1981

It has nothing to do with "being seen to do the right thing"! As an adult, you don't intimidate a 6yr old! End of!

I have told a child I don't know to please stop pushing dd (when I saw it happen), but I would never seek a child out in the playground (where children should feel safe), get into the child's face & threaten them! It is NOT on!

Good for you. Lets hope your son isn't picked on anymore

Yeah...never mind the CHILD, the 6YR OLD, she picked on, hey! He must be a notorious bully who should be stopped at all costs! Who cares if it means being intimidated by an ADULT!

YANBU! I know what bullying can do to a child and how it never leaves you even as an adult ... Good on you for taking a stand

And how about this little lad who had been bullied BY AN ADULT? You expect him to have forgotten about that by tomorrow, do you? Or will that not have an lasting affect because he is 6 & she is an adult?

You can't condemn the lad's bullying, but condone the mother's, that makes you a hypocrite! Worse actually, because you are condoning the bullying of a 6yr old, by an adult.

YANBU I think you did very well to be as calm as you were

Your poor DS

MarieFromStMoritz whilst I agree with WHY you did it I say YWBU. You are an adult, you pointed your finger an INCH from his face and threatened a child. Regardless of intent or reason, that was very unreasonable.

I've been in your situation and my goodness I've been tempted to do exactly as you, but you simply cannot retain moral highground by threatening a child. Had you got down on his level (without the finger pointing) and maybe used different words I'd agree with you. But what you said and did was out of order.

Speak to the parent. By all means speak to the child, in the presense of the parent but don't finger point (if someone pointed a finger an inch away from your face how would you react? I'd bite it) and do not threat.

Much as I believe you should do something, for your child, there are lines that you shouldn't cross and threats cross that line BIG TIME.

Even if you feel like it, even if it works.

I'm glad to see soupdragon speaking sense on this thread.

little toad
little shit
the brat
Thug

So now WE have to resort to bully tactics do we? All we have to go on is the words of one mother, we don't know this kid, don't even know the whole situation, no ideas what kind of environment this lad (the so called bully) comes from, yet GROWN ADULTS, MOTHERS, no less are resorting to name calling a 6YR OLD? Disgusting! You should be ashamed of yourselves. THIS is how children become bullies, they copy what they see/hear. They see YOU calling a kid of 6 a little shit, they think it is OK for them to do it too.

Wonder how those calling him names would react to see their dc being discussed on a forum & being called such names.

It's not bullying FGS, it is reprimanding a child for unacceptable behavior

Wrong. Reprimanding is not threatening "trouble" if they don't back off. "if you ever hurt my son again, there will be trouble. Do you understand me? Threats = bullying!

seeing the change in my little boy this afternoon I do not regret what I did. Not for a minute

Good for you, op . I wonder what change his parents have noticed in the little lad you threatened?

Just adding spoiled little monkey to the list of bullying names.....

I also agree with jimjams that there is no way you could know exactly what's going on and you could well be wrong.

Of course not. As I said, I was addressing those who suggested that poverty and/or drugs could be a factor

There is nothing to suggest that this child is a victim of violence

How about mental abuse? Emotional abuse. The scars that don't show. No, yu are assuming OP that just because the kid doesn't look abused/like he is from a drug environment, or a house of poverty that he doesn't have issues.

I was well fed, well dressed, always had nice clothes etc. But my mother hated me. She didn't love me & made no attempt to disguise it to me, but to the world she was THE most doting parent you could met. I lived with that for 18yrs & the only scars I have are inside. And they are deeper than any physical car I could ever imagine.

I also don't understand your expat theory. Many expats here need their job for their visa & I bet there are some not so great parents among them. I don't understand why you think expat needing job = no chance of any type of abuse!!

*scar

I understand why OP did this - I've wanted to say something similar to numerous children over the years ..... but it's not really ok, I don't think.

I remember being on the other end of this once: I was about 9, this girl at school was systematically, subtley and cleverly unpleasant to me, and I kicked her on the leg . Obviously shouldn't have, but I still remember the fury and frustration and inarticulacy.

Anyway her mother came up to me in front of EVERYONE and said 'I don't want to hear about you kicking S no more, do you hear me, NO MORE' and god I was mortified, I remember face flushing and eyes prickling with tears as everyone stared.

I don't know whether S was mortified at her mother doing that, or very pleased. I know she carried on being vile, I just never retaliated again.

Not fear going to school

Doesn't matter that another 6yr old is now fearing going into school after being picked on by an adult though, no?

Talking to this boy sternly is understandable. However what you said was ambiguous and could be interpreted by him as a threat of physical violence. Pointing your finger in his face is physically threatening. Had you told him you would be speaking to school/parents then that would have been ok. However what you did do was bully a 6 yr old child thus weakening your own case.

I would have followed up with school first before talking to the child or his parents.

OP has gone, no doubt because lots of posters aren't whooping and offering her cyber-pats on her back.

She claims that her family are quiet and gentle yet her actions show that she reacts totally on instinct, without considering all facts and possible outcomes. Remember that they are new to this school, are not familiar with staff or other parents, yet she decides vigilante action is justified. To those posters who defend her indignantly by stating that the schools they've experienced 'stood by and did nothing' , they need to ask themselves how much they communicated before taking their own vigilante action.

DH is a Headteacher and has to constantly remind his parents to keep communicating with the school. Schooling and Parenting should work in partnership if it's to be at all effective. He has to regularly defend teachers who, on one hand, get criticized for taking a heavy-handed approach to discipline, yet on the other hand, also get criticized for not 'doing enough' to stop problems. Parents think that 'they should only have to complain once' for action to be taken, but we all know in the real world, that children rarely comply immediately, especially if a pattern of bullying/tormenting others is well established. How on earth can schools strike a balance, if vigilante parents rock on in there and take matters into their own hands?

I've no doubt that there are situations where parent's have been justified, and of course there are always going to be rogue schools with utter shite management, but this isn't the norm.

OP has vanished from this thread because she doesn't want to consider that she may have opened up a can of worms with her actions. She has absolutely no idea what's going on at the school and frankly, some of you cheering her on have to think about your own values here.