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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be surprised 3 out of 6 children didn't bring a gift to dds party?

157 replies

Lollyheart · 19/11/2011 18:22

I'm happy that they came to her party,I'm just surprised 3 children didn't give a present, I personally couldn't send dd to a party without a present.

OP posts:

spugglers · 19/11/2011 23:28

Poundlands are not in every town. Where I live the nearest cheapo shop is a £6 bus ride away.

cherrysodalover · 19/11/2011 23:29

Look I am of course playing devil,s advocate against the sweeping indignation on this thread.
I think a card is acknowledgement enough surely?
I myself do take something small but I think there is nothing wrong with just taking a card.
I also think family life is stressful enough without having to dash out for birthday gifts every other week and I realize this is how it is for a lot of parents.we are at one to two parties a month and sometimes it is a relief when we cannot attend a party, so the stress of finding a "thoughtful .....does not have to be expensive....gift" is removed.
I love that my peers here are setting a precedent of throwing gift free parties. It is the way forward.
I worked in an orphanage overseas briefly.
Believe me we have more stuff than we need for our kids.....most of us on here anyway, since we have the luxury of a computer to use.......I don,t think many of our kids only have pieces of tin foil as toys..........our society is consumerist mad and I find this thread......the tone of it......evidence of that.

AteAWholePacketOfBiccys · 19/11/2011 23:37

I even sent something to the Halloween parties my children went to. Only some Halloween cakes and sweets but its polite.
You should always take a gift to birthday parties. Like other people have said even a pound shop toy or packet of Maltesers if you can't afford much.
YANBU.

AteAWholePacketOfBiccys · 19/11/2011 23:40

In a situation like HoneyandHaycorns mentioned then something homemade by the kid or mum or a homemade card with a poem would be a lovely gift would be nice.

spugglers · 19/11/2011 23:54

The thing is some people are really finding it hard to make ends meet and I don't think a lot of people on this thread acknowledge that.

I can't really pass judgement on the families that the op speaks of because I don't know their circumstances.

The children who didn't bring presents to my parties when I was younger were living in deprived circumstances. I can remember my mum saying that she felt really sad because some of the children wanted to stay eating at the party table rather than play games because they were hungry.

My friend at primary school would ask me to save her my crusts from my packed lunch, when I told my mum she started giving me a double lunch so I could give it to her. The same friend at the age of 11 hadn't even ventured further afield than the parade of shops on our local estate. I can remember on her birthday she received £1 and spent it on 5 lion bars for her mum, I suppose that she was so used to having nothing that it didn't occur to her to spend it on herself.

For some families, social niceities don't register on their agenda, they wouldn't even think of buying a present for a classmate because presents may not even be something they buy for their own families.

Don't be so quick to judge because you have no idea what life is like in some families.

Cherriesarelovely · 19/11/2011 23:55

That is very unusual. I agree, not the be all and end all but strange and a bit rude.

MrsJAlfredPrufrock · 20/11/2011 00:05

I've sent children to parties before with a note inside the card saying: Sorry, present to follow. And then sent the wrapped present into school the following week.

RealLifeIsForWimps · 20/11/2011 00:17

Gift free parties are just a new way of showing you're better than the masses in that you don't need the gifts because you have so much already.

It's like white bread and brown bread, fat and thin.

Another way to make less affluent people feel crap

Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 20/11/2011 00:21

I agree with those who say some families genuinely wouldn't be able to afford even a token present. I think the card is acknowledgement enough of the birthday. Frankly I would be happy not to have my house filled with cheap and nasty tat.

perfumedlife · 20/11/2011 00:35

Ds received an invitation which stipulated 'no boxed gifts' Took me ages to work out that it meant bring cash instead.

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 20/11/2011 00:48

PerfumedLife - I would have bought something that I thought he would like and taken it out of the box

perfumedlife · 20/11/2011 00:58

That thought did occur to me Chipping but it was explained to me later that this was a culteral tradition so thank god I didn't offend.

perfumedlife · 20/11/2011 00:58

Cultural even

eminencegrise · 20/11/2011 01:01

'PerfumedLife - I would have bought something that I thought he would like and taken it out of the box '

My ILs did that at a wedding.

A lot of toys I give are not in boxes.

I do think asking for cash is grabby.

sozzledchops · 20/11/2011 01:15

I can understand someone not bringing a present if they are really struggling and would much rather have their presence than a present, would hate to think a child didn't come to a party for this reason. It's just unusual that 3 out of 7 didn't bring one. If they were giving it later because it was awkward at the cinema then you think they would say.

coldwed · 20/11/2011 06:19

I am just glad they turned up! presents really do not feature, not because I am a kid soul :) but I am aware that other people's situations are different to mine. The most important thing for me is that they turn up! I always panic no one will turn up, so just glad they came.

I go out of my way to tell parents 'hey make sure you come...don't worry about presents, we just want the child there

coldwed · 20/11/2011 06:20

fuck, I should have checked what I wrote! so many mistakes! forgive me MN.

runningwilde · 20/11/2011 06:36

Yanbu at all and it is bloody rude to not get a child a present - so so rude. Even if they said the presence/Present what a bollocks line to say thing, you should get something. If you can't, don't send your child to the party. They were rude, rude, rude and ao is anyone who thinks it is ok to send their child to another child's party empty-handed. Shame on the stingy parents

Lexie1970 · 20/11/2011 07:06

YANBU!

We always take a present but I try and only spend between £6-£8 as it just gets ridiculous.......

A few weeks ago we were invited to go bowling for a birthday but it was cancelled at last mo - when it was rearranged I took the present and just would not dream of going empty handed!!!!

Kayzr · 20/11/2011 07:39

See I would probably love this even though the DSes wouldn't. When DS1 had his birthday party he got 20 presents. Almost all were plastic tat that I then end up standing on.

runningwilde · 20/11/2011 07:43

Spugglers - if that was genuinely the case then of course it would be absolutely fine. I suppose I am talking about some d the people I know who can afford to get something but dont. I had a friend at school who I would take to my house after school so she could have tea with us as we knew she didn't get a lot at home. I would do the same if I knew of a child like that. Most people can get a token gift though right? Even if it was a gingerbread man biscuit! But I am definitely with you on that - if there was someone really struggling I would hate for them to turn down the party because they could not bring a gift. But I still reckon that most people could bring something

PosiesOfPoinsettia · 20/11/2011 07:44

Turning without a gift without saying to the parent that you couldn't afford it is dreadful.

5moreminutes · 20/11/2011 10:22

I think the OP will have some rough inkling as to weather the reason might be financial - to have 3 children from separate families not bring a present is strange, if OP lives in a deprived area (or one with a mix of deprived and more affluent) she will know it. It is often the people with most who give the least though, and vice versa! It is odd and rude in most social circles within the UK to send a child to another child's party with no token gift whatsoever, if the reason isn't financial hardship, even though most of us don't want more plastic tat in our kids lives and we all know there are children in the world without a toy to call their own, which is truly sad.

The fact remains that we still fuss about our children being well taught at school, despite knowing some children have no school to go to, and in the same way (though less importantly) we want our kids to be happy at their birthday treats/ parties (which for many does mean having some little token gift to open) despite knowing they are privileged to be in the position to be having a party or treat and expecting a little present... It is a lot to expect of a 7 year old not to expect presents esp if they have been to other parties where present giving is the norm...

5moreminutes · 20/11/2011 10:23

whether not weather, sorry, sat up a lot of last night with vomity, croupy 4 year old and wakeful snotty baby...

PosiesOfPoinsettia · 20/11/2011 11:06

Agree 5 it's most likely thoughtlessness above poverty that meant no gift.

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