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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be surprised 3 out of 6 children didn't bring a gift to dds party?

157 replies

Lollyheart · 19/11/2011 18:22

I'm happy that they came to her party,I'm just surprised 3 children didn't give a present, I personally couldn't send dd to a party without a present.

OP posts:

pigletmania · 19/11/2011 20:47

To be fair my mum is not from this country and might not have been familiar with party etiquette.

spookygarlic · 19/11/2011 20:50

You don't have to take an expensive gift, we have very little money but we think of something, my daughter is luckily very good at art (heaven knows where she gets that skill from!) and so she has drawn a picture/painted a picture of something that she knows the other child is interested in and DS given that for a present before. A canvas can be bought for £1-£2 and we have the paints already.

wedoNOTdothat · 19/11/2011 20:57

mumbling exactly, although it is very kind of people to bring a present, a large amount for a small child is unnecessary and after she opened them we kept loads back for a rainy day.

LordOfTheFlies · 19/11/2011 20:58

There was a similar thread about 3 weeks ago and loads of the posters were of the view that they would rather have the child along and no gift than no child there.

But that gives the impression "Oh I'm so special, it's my gift to you that I turn up to your party".

I would never send a child without a present.Parents get enough warning, and in the Reception/ Yr1 days when it was a party every week or so, we still found and bought a gift.

I am just imagining how sad it is for the Birthday child- all the build up and excitement of their day- and no present.

Carrotsandcelery · 19/11/2011 21:01

You expect the odd family not to manage a gift but it is strange that 3 didn't when it is quite an expensive outing you are treating them to and quite a small group.

It is true that it would have been worse for your dd if they hadn't come because they couldn't provide a gift but it is clear that you already realise that.

NoFrillsMum · 19/11/2011 21:11

pigletmania my mum did the same
It is awful for both kids (the birthday kid AND the guest).

pigletmania · 19/11/2011 21:13

it is isent it NoFrills, I vowed never to do the same to dd

5moreminutes · 19/11/2011 21:19

Absolutely if a child attends another child's birthday party they bring a gift - this does not have to be expensive, as others have said a bar of choc or sweets costing well under a pound is fine, just something wrapped up... In fact sometimes the favourite gifts are the cheapest and something expensive but not thought out never gets a second look after the party - my 4yo DS's favourite present after his party was a plastic box with Lightning McQueen on it, which he likes to use as a sandwich box for Kindergarten (preschool). I saw them in the ?1 bins at the supermarket - it doesn't matter one bit, the child or his mum knew ds loves Lightning, or it was a lucky guess.

YANBU, it's a social convention.

DD had a cinema party and nobody failed to bring a gifts - 8 little girls came to the party. I was happy all had thoughtfully given relatively small gifts size wise, so I could fit them all into the plastic bag I had brought for the purpose! Parties are usually small in terms of number of invitees where we live, so a lot of thought tends to be put into presents. Thopught being vastly more important than money. I do like the "coin for the piggy bank" one - it also implies no more than ?2 / 2 pounds due to the word "coin" - may do that in future when we have outings instead of at home parties!

NoFrillsMum · 19/11/2011 21:20

Me too pigletmania, one of the things i have vowed to not do to my kids. Ever. Its only couple of pounds ffs.
Mind you those who do this are not even poor, they are too busy for 'silly things'. 'Silly things' matter to children.

leftmymistletoeatthedoor · 19/11/2011 21:25

Yanbu. I'd never send my kids without a present. In fact, if ds misses a party he shouldve been at (due to illness) then the kid still gets their present.

That said, ds has invited 30 to his party in december - I hope some don't bring anything!! 30 presents days before xmas might push me over the edge!

Last year people from nursery we barely knew gave him £15/20 presents. My limit is 7/8 for friends and 5 for others.

Poundland do things that would do fine though - lunchboxes / character cards / balls etc.

LemonDifficult · 19/11/2011 21:28

YANBU to be surprised.

It doesn't really sound about money, since a thing of stickers can be bought and wrapped for 70p. Just sounds a bit casual.

deviladvocate · 19/11/2011 21:34

In a manner in keeping with my nn i'm trying to imagine why they wouldn't have brought a gift - perhaps they thought they'd have to pay for the cinema ticket & meal themselves? Was it clear that you would be paying for all of the children? (lovely idea btw, may steal for eldest's forthcoming 7th birthday Can't think of any other reason, and a bit startled by the idea of giving a child cash for their birthday, how impersonal!

I would never go to a party without a gift, neither would i give cash, I pick out a card specifically for the child (usually with their age on it) and a gift that i think they'll like. Doesn't have to be expensive, it really is the thought that counts.

pigletmania · 19/11/2011 21:40

I think that the op just got unlucky. Went on the Poundland website, there are so many lovely branded things there all for £1, a few of those things would do just fine.

cherrysodalover · 19/11/2011 22:21

I have to say where I live there is a growing trend for parents to request no gifts at parties as it is seen as a bit naff and vulgar.....you know the excess of it....the encouragement of consumption in the young uns.
So maybe they are ahead of the game.surely you do not give a party to receive gifts do you?
We will request no gifts at son,s next birthday.
We all have too much stuff today.

NewsClippings · 19/11/2011 22:29

I don't have too much stuff :o

cherrysodalover · 19/11/2011 22:33

Just read more of the thread.
Wow.
You guys are really into the present thing.
And everyone blames the yanks for being such big consumers.....tut tut tut.
It is good to train your child to not expect people to buy them stuff........I'm sorry but I find it vulgar somehow.to be so taken back by not being presentedvwith more stuff we all know ends up In The charity shop before too long.

Good for those gift less families making a stand against this insane buying culture you have so gutlessly bought into and now train your children to do the same way.

Keep churning it out china.the Uk parents need more junk.

cherrysodalover · 19/11/2011 22:34

Guilelessly not gutlessly i meant to write.

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 19/11/2011 22:35

I think it's only a small portion of societywh are fortunat enough to think like that cherry... don't think a lot of DC in my DDs class have too many toys..certainly not enough to be vulgar.

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 19/11/2011 22:36

AND cherry did you not notice the people who pointed out that a pack of buttons or a hand painted pictre were lovely presents?

MCos · 19/11/2011 22:55

Hands up - have not read the not read the entire thread.
OP - I am guilty of driving off with the present still in the car. Have done it more than once. Rushing out the door, late late late, relief at being only 5-10 mins late (or on time if traffic better than expected), kids out of the car and handed over. Relax. Ooops - forgot to hand over the present, and somebody else is dropping them home. Present handed over in school on Monday (maybe not til Thursday, because DD1 is a forgetful head)..

Maybe that is what has happened???

LuckyRocketshipUnderpants · 19/11/2011 22:58

It's not about getting heaps of crap. It's about acknowledging someone's birthday & the fact they are treating their guests to a celebratory outing, for which some small token of appreciation for the host is generally socially appropriate. I wouldn't go to a dinner party without taking a bottle of wine or small bunch of flowers or something for the person feeding me. I'm all for limiting mindless consumerism but taking without giving in return also seems off to me.

Hardgoing · 19/11/2011 23:04

My great tip for presents is to buy packs of books from the BookPeople and divide them up. No tat, great books (Diary of a Wimpy Kid, Roald Dahl), no last minute present buying.

I am still surprised at this, because it's a strong social convention to take a present unless someone requests otherwise.

mrsjay · 19/11/2011 23:07

I think thats awful and right stingy i would never send my dds to a party without something . as somebody else said the poundshop isnt really beyond anybody is it ,

mrsjay · 19/11/2011 23:10

and cherry its not junk its giving a birthday gift non american tradition just a tradition when your invited to a birthday you take along something ,

HoneyandHaycorns · 19/11/2011 23:25

It's unusual, definitely. YANBU to be surprised, you are clearly not being grabby.

I have never had a child turn up without a present at one of dd's parties, but I wouldn't mind if they did. There was one little boy who declined our invitation, and I later learned that his parents were really struggling with debt - not sure if that's why he didn't come, but I'd hate to think his mum might have said no because of this. Presence is definitely more important than presents!

Having said that, some of the cheapest presents can be fantastic! My dd was once given two tiny packets of seeds in a card and we are still enjoying the tomatoes that she grew from them. :) a little imagination can go a long way!

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