How do you manage emotionally if you receive no child support?

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So, I found out yesterday that I'll only be receiving £5 a week from ex partner for teenage son It's worthless, so I'll just give it to ds1 for pocket money.

We can manage financially (don't have lavish lifestyle) and I work, but that's not the point. I should be receiving a reasonable amount from ex partner for this child, which he wanted after all.

How do you stop feeling angry, bitter etc.? I don't want to keep thinking about this issue. I just want to get on with life. He doesn't see him that often. He tells ds1 that he's putting money into a savings plan for him, but pays for absolutely nothing that ds1 needs, doesn't even send presents or pocket money

What do you tell yourself to make the anger go away?

You roll your eyes, tut at what a loser your ex is and be greatful that you're no longer with him.

It is hard. My ex (who I've not seen for seven years) has turned dodging the CSA into an art form and sometimes it does get me down.

Thing is, we have beautiful children from these wankerish men, are proudly supporting them and are living our lives.

Being angry about them is a waste of time and energy. You need to accept that your ex is a complete knobber, put it all behind you and not think about him again.

xx

I have no idea, but watching this thread with interest.

XP desperately wanted a baby, so much in fact that I went through multiple miscarriages trying to have a baby.
XP was the driving force behind each and every pregnancy IYSWIM.

Since we split, he has no interest in DD whatsoever, he has never paid a penny in maintenance, only sees DD when he has been kicked out by his latest g/f, so approx once every 6 months. DD talks about him all the time, in fact every time she hears or sees anyone else with their daddy. Yet he is never ever there for DD.

In fact, if the truth be told, I am convinced that if I rang him right now and he felt like answering, and I told him that DD had no food/clothes/water and he could help, I guarantee he wouldn't.

He would merely make excuses, and put the blame on me. (Don't you get CTC for DD? If you can't cope with what you get from the govt, give DD to me full time and I'll bring her up )

He is the definition of deadbeat dad, and I still feel unbelievably angry at him sometimes. It kind of washes over me when I am least expecting it, or when I am struggling to cope with DD/having no money, all the things he could alleviate if he felt like it.

I have never felt so much anger towards someone for as long before in my life.

I know this will probably go down like a lead balloon on here, but tbh, I wish he was dead.

Isn't it just so fucking SHIT?

I was reading one of those leaflets and it said that if they don't pay the CSA have the power to take away their driving licence and/or put them in prison. I would be amazed if anyone has ever actually undergone these punishments.

I just cannot understand how they can walk away and not give a tiny toss about their childrens' welfare. It defies every fibre of my being and I just...

oh, sorry in answer to your OP - I don't know. I think it just fades but I think it's important to vent your spleen (to friends or just on here) and not to bottle up the feelings too much.

shitsponges

I never felt angry when I raised my children with him and I worked and he didn't for ten years, when we split and I got nothing for 5 years again I never cared a I worked and could support my children myself, I never thought to rely on a man for anything best to be self-sufficient. He didn't support them until I got sick and could not work then I got £50 a week when he could afford it.

thank you for these replies. I'm sorry that you're all going through this as well.

He has told me to give him custody, then he'd support him as if!

littlemisssarcastic I've wished him dead as well I think it's natural.

Generally, I'm so busy trying to cope with bringing up 3 DC alone, studying and trying to overcome my health issues that I don't have time to be angry. The £3 a week he pays for my 3 DC doesn't really assist with the DCs but maybe one day he'll stop claiming JSA while working and actually declare his income, not holding my breath and don't really think about it that much.

But sometimes, like when I'm admitted to hospital, ring ex-H to ask him to help with DC and he replies 'it's not my problem, ring your Mum', I feel that if he was in the same room I would do him some serious damage.

I deal with those times by ringing the friend who has held my hand throughout his affairs, gambling addiction and leaving. And call him every name I can imagine (I'm not ususally a swearer but these outbursts make me feel soo much better). Then she reminds me that it could be worse...I could still be married to him

It's not "relying on a man", Fabby. I never relied on that cunt when we were married nor since, but the fact that so many men get away completely scott free makes me very angry.

Why the FUCK should I work full time to support my children with not a single penny from their father?

Why aren't they more aggressively pursued?

Why is there no shame anymore?

I think it's GOOD to be angry, it's better than being passively indulgent of them "oh men! aren't they blinking rubbish!"

I've never received a penny from my ex for dd1. Nor has he ever clapped eyes on her in her whole life. He still denies she is his despite not one but two paternity tests proving otherwise. The CSA 'lost' the first one. They have a habit of 'loosing' or 'cancelling in error' any maintenance claims I make against my ex. If I was a suspicious person I would think that this has something to do with him working in a government department himself, although you think that would make it easier for them to get money from him, wouldn't you?

I have given up now and accepted that any claim is never going to go ahead. I've filled in all the forms. Been to CAB. Been to my MP. I hear all the promises and nothing ever becomes of them.

I don't feel angry with ex. I feel sorry for him. He is missing out on my beautiful, clever and kind dd1. As are his family. All for the sake of money. He told me when I was PG that he would only pay for her if he had full custody of her.

Reality, dd1 knows the truth. That he walked away and has chosen not to see her. We told her it is because he is not a very nice person and didn't think he would be a good Dad but that it doesn't matter because her relationship with DH is even more special because her chose to be her father, most Dads don't get to pick their child. She seems happy with that explanation and has no desire to meet or know anything about ex.

My sister's best friend was in a similar set up to your daughter, having only ever seen her father a handful of times and then being raised by her mother and stepfather. Her biological father tried to make contact with her not long after she had her first child. She told him in no uncertain terms that she had a father and her child had a grandfather and it was not him. She is very well adjusted and has her own business.

I hear you. My daughter grown up now, her dad was (still is) black cab driver in London, works max 3 night/wk, self-employed, declared to CSA he earned £60/week and they awarded me £20/month for her from ages 5-16, he didn't pay anything for her first 5 yrs either, it's an insult and I have a mountain of debt as the legacy, have worked full-time all my life and am ready for the knacker's yard but will no doubt have to work till I'm in my 80s to repay all the debt, I don't know the answer to any of it, if these guys have no conscience I hope karma does its magic some time

I've long got used to the fact that my ex is not going to support his children financially. The CSa are completely useless, however I do have a charge now over both of his properties that maybe I will be able to realise one day but I don't think about it. It annoys me if I think about it. In the meantime, I put the food on the table as does my husband, we clothe them and pay for everything and do everything. One day I imagine the children will ask me about it, until then, ill just keep on doing that.

It grates on my husband though. I pretend it doesn't matter because to get caught up in how dreadfully unfair it is would seriously upset my equilibrium and I do not allow my ex to do that to me anymore.

I am struggling starting my own small enterprise at the moment, so not really bringing in much at all. I asked ds's dad to pay for school dinners, which he agreed to (£ 9 per week).
However, the other day he asked me in a really annoyed tone why I don't get free meals. When I told him it was because I am not on Income Support and he said "well why don't you go on it then?"
I explained that as I am doing freelance work, and looking for a second, part time job, it would not be in my interests. Plus, I don't want to be on Income Support!
He sees nothing wrong in me slipping onto the lowest rung of society because he hates to put his hand in his pocket for a measly nine quid a week.And this is all he pays. He paid nothing at all for the first two years either.
I wish I knew how to stop being angry!

sorry that there's so many of us out there. I totally wish the CSA were more effective. It's sickening that these people are allowed to get away with it. I will have to learn to cope with it and get past the anger because it's so destructive. I do know that ds notices his father's lack of care and provision. I guess I should be pleased that I can support him by myself. ds knows which side his bread's buttered on and knows how mean his father is.

£5 bah, I bet he spends more on his dog each week

I do get money direct from my ex's wages but as he doesn't see any of them -4 in total -and never buys presents or shoes or coats etc it doesn't go far for my two teenage boys in mens clothes.

I always find believing in Karma gets me by. He doesn't get to see my gorgeous kids grow up, they love me and hate him. It's me they see everyday and all their memories are of me and them, even before he left. Loving them gets me through anything and him not being here is the best gift I ever could give them. My youngest son hasn't seen his dad since he was 6 and doesn't ever want to. They're not stupid, they know Daddy makes Mummy unhappy. Their bond with Mum is stronger than any bond in the world - thats a scientific fact - so don't worry so much and enjoy every single moment you have with your beautiful children.

My ex pays £100 pcm. Which is a step up from the £20 i got (when he could afford it) for the first two years of DD's life. We have a private agreement, he sees her for six hours every other month, and claims back his petrol costs to a total of £50 a month. I recently asked him if he could stop this, as I can't afford it, and he gave ME the riot act. His mother let 'slip' to me (we get on, she hates the fact he shirks responsibility) he had a week's holiday in spain recently. When I took DD away earlier this year, he wouldn't contribute to her flight because holidays are a 'luxury item' Nice that he can afford 'luxury items' for himself but will only see DD if he isn't out of pocket.

I feel your pain, and payments are often an insult to the child.

Most good parents though will make sure the child doesn't suffer due to absent (financially and emotionally) parents.

Kama is a bitch, they will be sorry.

Ladies dont worry about it, eventually your DC's will know and appreciate every thing you did/sacrificed for them and everything there dads didn't.

My DM spent years trying to get support from my "D"F through the CSA and it's predecessor, he had his own business (v wealthy) and would turn up to court appearances in various new sports cars and laugh in DM's face saying she wouldn't get anything from him. He paid accountants to hide his money and forged payslips that showed he earned next to nothing (his business was named after him FFS, 5 bed detached house, cars, holidays how did the CSA just blindly accept his crap!?!). He had nothing to do with me, DM hid all this from me but I found court documents one day and got the full story from her. Eventually she was awarded £2000 to cover the 14 years of nothing.

Result: "D"F tried contact 5 years ago, I told him where to go, my DM is amazing and I love her and everything she did for me even though it meant she never got to finish her nursing training (which i'm paying for her to complete now) :)

Channel the anger. I am still angry with my X on an intellectual level - it is wrong to abdicate responsibility for a child and it is OK to be angry about it. I write to my MP from time to time and whenever I come across ignorance and misinformation about single parents I like to point out a few facts, such as the fact that the vast majority of single parents in the UK Receive NO maintenance, and that nearly half of those getting maintenance through the CSA are only getting the minimum £5 a week. PArking fines are more vigorously pursued in this country. Says a lot I think.

However, on a personal level I can't even raise a shrug anymore. We manage ok and I feel proud that I've done it. My success is my own and I take sole credit for my beautiful children. Ultimately, it's my XP who is going to have to explain himself to our DC because with me as their mother and growing up with my values and sense of personal responsibility, they are going to be tolerant of his various excuses. It's one of the reasons that while I don't ever run him down in front of my DC and I am quick to praise his good points especially where it seems my DC have inherited them (I don't want them to feel that half of who they are is 'bad' IYSWIM), I also never make excuses for his bad behaviour. I don't want them crushed because they have put him on a pedestal that he will inevitably fall off. It's about managing expectations.

You're not alone and the anger will fade if you channel it productively rather than inwardly.

I've never had a penny of child support from DS's dad. He never wanted any access either. It was sad at the time, but in hindsight I was relieved to be free of the ex and raise DS on my own terms. I'm friends with quite a few lone parents and their exes make life much more difficult with all the fuss about organising access, disagreements over everything from haircuts to holidays etc.

I've remarried since then and I think it was actually easier to meet a partner without an ex on the scene. DH has taken on DS as his own and given us a far better lifestyle than we would have had with the ex and it is so much easier to be a family unit without having to split up the family for access weekends.

not going to be tolerant

(but I guess anyone who read that worked out that's what I meant )

The thing is...it's a cold comfort to me.

Cold, cold, cold. In fact it freezes me up. I don't want my beautiful, funny, clever, amazing boys to "know" that their Dad was a feckless fuckwit. After all, half of their DNA is his.

How can that be a comfort to me? It can't be. It's the worst of all worlds for us. I hate their dad for being such an irresponsible man, not just because of the money, but also for his lack of contact and his victim mentality of "oh I miss my boys, oh! DS1 I'm only not in touch because things are so raw between me and your mum" bullshit.

There needs to be stronger legislation, more social exclusion - (we need to make running away from your kids as unacceptable as drink driving IMO) and less stroking of their ego and belief in karma.

My child support amuses me now although it hurt and stung that XH didn't adore DD the way I did for quite a few years.

£1.70 per week. A princely sum. When he isn't buggering about pretending to do ridiculous degree courses,drops out and goes back on the dole.

Fuckers. Utter, utter fuckers.

Lavendarplum I could have written your post myself. No money and no contact from ex. Me and later DH too have brought up DS1. My ex won't work anyway so any advantage I would get from maintenance taken from his benefits would more than be cancelled out by his and his alcoholism'spresence in our lives. It's not as though about £2 or £3 a week would allow me to cut my work hours or buy something amazing. DS1 has had a stable life and I love it that way.